Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

This thread is nuts, yes she got defensive when everyone piled in on home education and said something out of turn about teaching, but families who chose to home educate get it right in the neck and it must be exhausting constantly defending your choices. Home educating is like anything, it can be done poorly or done extremely well. Some children will thrive, some won’t. I assume OP knows her children well and I’m very willing to assume home education is being done to a high standard. I’ve no skin in the game here - I don’t and will never home educate because it’s not right for my family, and am in fact a secondary teacher so I have some faith in schools but home education is a valid choice and not something to deride unless you have evidence it’s being done badly.

Husband is a lazy POS though. I was a stay at home mum last year for a year as a career break and my husband can be a bit lazy but he would never, ever have buggered off after dinner every evening leaving me with the kids. I’m sorry, but that’s rude and disrespectful. He should want to spend time with his children and his wife. Same with mornings, why isn’t he getting up with you all and breakfasting/getting ready together for the day?

Home educating is your job, raising your children and maintaining your home is a joint endeavour.

but also a home life with a wife and 3 children he presumably doesn’t hate

I wouldn’t presume this at all given he hides away from them every evening, despite spending all day alone wfh. And given his clear expression of resentment that he works a job he hates to facilitate the life his wife wants.

Does that sound like a man who likes and enjoys his wife and family?

It sounds exhausting. I don't think you are unreasonable but mumsnet is not a good place to post- I don't think sending your children to school would make much difference. 2 year old is too little anyway.

I think your partner should be helping with bath and bedtime- he can read a story or run a bath even if they don't settle they will learn? Although sounds like your partner might be a bit burnt out too.

Do you get 1 on 1 time with him?

I don't know the answer but sounds like you need to work out a way to get a break. Could that be some sort of childcare? Swap with another parent?

Can you outsource some of the housework?

It is a lot you have taken on.

It sounds like a man who has opted out of family life.

This.

time for you both to reevaluate your lives. You’re both tired and resentful. I would be considering sending children back to school and getting a job so that he can get a job he enjoys rather than is miserable in to support the life you have currently.

I think your DH sounds fucking miserable and I reckon you’ve railroaded him into this life, he went along with it for an easy life and now he’s checking out because you’re both not able of having a functional conversation about what next.

and you’d have gotten more sympathetic replies if you hadn’t implied that those of us using state schools are inferior beings who care so little about our kids that we send them to a SCHOOL, heaven forfend! 🙄

Your husband wouldnt feel an imense amount of pressure being the only source of income?
(you havent said reasons for homeschooling, obviously that may be relevant)

He sounds a few steps from buggering off. Perhaps just too lazy to do it so far.

Could you explain how child benefit protects your pension please?

IME its only families who imply their way is superior and schools are abusive who 'get it in the neck'.

He does a bit doesn't he? OP I do hope you're married.

It counts towards your pension until your child turns 12. So counts towards the 35 years you have to work to claim a full pension.

I thought one of the ideas of home schooling is that it is all done in a couple of hours rather than the whole school day. Not really like a FT job.

The responses I've read on here are weird and unkind. Hopefully there are many more that are not but I feel compelled to comment anyway!

Even if just the 4 and 2 year old were in the mix, of course it's not ok for one parent to work outside the home for a set number of hours and the other parent to work 24/7 doing absolutely everything with the kids and around the house.

I was a SAHM for 9 years and when my husband was working I was obviously looking after the kids but when we were both at home we split everything equally (or he did more 😬) because he loves and respects me and is an equal parent to his kids.

If OPs husband is not happy in his job then that's a family discussion to see what he wants to do and how it can be facilitated. It's not a free pass to opt out of family life in the interim.

OP you are being treated really badly. I could and I hope would not live like this.

MoneysavingExpert explains it better than me… but claiming will ensure credits go towards your state pension (even if you don’t actually take the money)…
OP seems very financially vulnerable…

For what reason though? He hasn’t opted into anything else, has he? He’s not spending his time on hobbies or friends. He spends all day working alone and then the evening hiding from his family in the room he has spent all day alone working in. In a job he says he hates

Thats a lot more than ‘opting out of family life’. That’s a man who’s hiding away from a life he hates, but for whatever reason, hasn’t the motivation or energy (yet) to run to anything else.

I've heard that too, but having to do it whilst also being in sole charge of a 2 year old must complicate matters.

@EducatorMum if your 11yo was in school until y6 has she only just been withdrawn, and this is a new arrangement for your family? How did your family setup and division of labour work before you started home edding?

As for your question, in no situation is it right and justified for your partner to hide away every evening and lounge in bed every weekend morning while you are with kids and doing domestic work from 6am till 8pm every single day. And I don’t think any pp would accept that either! He is being a lazy arse and it’s bordering on controlling that he “wouldn’t let” you be a SAHM if 11 and 4 were both in school. Is his word law in other matters too? All these decisions should be joint and not on the say-so of just one person.

In your shoes I would look again at the split of money, chores, childcare, and free time across the week. As a SAHP you need to make sure your economic unit is providing savings (like a pension) for you as well as for him, and that you have equal access to money.

Otherwise you’re at risk of being financially disadvantaged or even abused/controlled, while he can ensure he is free to leave you if he wants to (and I would be worried about that in your shoes, because he obviously doesn’t like his life as it is. It would be very easy for him to decide it’s your fault and the solution is for him to leave you and just pay the bare minimum towards “your” kids).

Then he could change job without feeling the weight of the single family provider.

Is there a particular reason why your school age children don't attend?

Thank you

I am a teacher and a parent. I don't have a problem with homeschooling but I'm absolutely sick to the back teeth of this rhetoric that teachers don't care. It is absolutely rampant on social media, usually spouted by people choosing to homeschool. Do what you like - I don't argue there are benefits to home school. But please, please don't say teachers don't care. I've been working in schools 20 years. The pay is shite for the work teachers do. They are literally there because they care. I often lie awake at night thinking about how to solve a problem with one of my kids at school or worrying whether one will be ok over the weekend.

you are responsible for the children during working hours- ie 9-5- but outside of this you should be sharing childcare and house maintenance equally.

just because he works doesn’t mean he has 24/7 maid service.

I did around 18 months of SAHM when DS was 3-4. I was studying for a change of career and did most of that studying when DS was at nursery p/t and attending in person one weekend day a month. I did all the housework, washing, shopping and cooking in that time. My DH did some bed and bathtimes and took DS out, because he wanted to spend time with him. I felt it was a fair exchange but knew it was temporary until DS started school and I started my new career. Your situation sounds daunting imo. Your DH sounds like he might be avoiding the DCs in the eves? What time does he spend with them? Do they have fun together? Does he ever read to one or take one to an eve activity?

But it’s different for a parent doing it 12 hours per day. She can mix and match more. Her choice. Mine are in school because I feel that’s best for them and our family. She has made a decision based on her family.

Also homeschooling advice is not what she came for. She was asking for advice about her husband who doesn’t do anything to help with kids and housework.

YABU - he’s working in a job he hates and can’t risk changing it while he’s the sole earner in the household. Sounds like you’ve never done a job you’ve absolutely hated and found stressful just to pay the bills. Whereas you are at home all day without the same pressures - yes it’s work looking after kids and home schooling but it’s not the same as dealing with screaming and/ or toxic colleagues, unrealistic deadlines and constant pressure of holding everything together all day. No one comes to your house and tells you’ve failed because your 11 year old got 18/20 in a test instead of 20/20, it’s busy sure but it’s less pressure.

You need to go back to work so your household has enough financial breathing space for your husband to change job.