Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

I think a lot of the time one parent (usually the mum) enables it to stay favourite parent.

He though does have time for you & the family after he finishes work.

You both work till say 5.30pm then you share everything else equally. It's not on that you don't have equal 'time off'. Or he needs to address his MH or job issue.

I think mum does it at first because babies want to be with mum and it might be easier for her to fit it around feeds etc

I went back to work full-time when my kids were under one year so I cannot relate to this stay at home mum lifestyle and even less the homeschooling life. But at weekends and evenings I believe that the work in the house and the childcare should be shared between working parent and sahp. Why the hell not.

Some of these comments are so harsh! The level of judgement is wild. Home school is an entirely valid option lots of families choose - and you’re a teacher anyway. And that wasn’t even the purpose of the post!

Anyway - no you are absolutely no being unreasonable. Home schooling was a choice you made together for your family and doesn’t mean you have to do everything single thing within the home. I’d be so burnt out in your position. Im not sure how returning to work would help unless your husband seriously wants to rethink his career and find something else? Sounds like you guys need a really big chat without the kids there to evaluate what is and isn’t working for you both, and decide where to go from here. Could he be depressed? It does sound like you’re absorbing everyone’s emotional needs in the home with no space for yours.

Also struck me from your post - do you guys have fun as a family? See friends and do hobbies? Maybe there isn’t much space for the fun stuff at the moment. Good luck!

If you’re not married you have made a massively stupid decision. He can leave tomorrow and you have nothing. How do women do this to themselves

Slightly changing the subject but just checking you are claiming Child Benefit to protect your pension? Especially important in cases like yours where you have sacrificed your career …

And this would be covered in secondary PHSE which you must cover in your curriculum?

Agree

How has she “sacrificed her career”? Op doesn’t want that career and has absolutely no respect for those who have it.

You seem to be giving up any kind of quality of life whatsoever for either of the adults in order to homeschool. You are bound to be knackered doing all you do, there’s at least 14 hours a day work there it seems? And he is working a job he hates to finance it. Is it really worth it?
if the kids went to school/nursery and you worked part time, and he switched to a less well paid but nicer job, your quality of life would be infinitely better

This is an insightful post.

What I got from your post is that you are both really resentful of the other. In particular your H seems to hate his job, and frankly his life overall and you too, if he hides away from you ( and the kids) every evening. It sounds like he has given up on parenting. He may feel quite isolated from the cosy bubble and relationship that you and the kids have ( they don’t settle for him etc). According to your posts, your husband has explicitly stated that he sees you as living the life you want, whilst he is living a life he hates to finance that. He’s deeply unhappy. You see him hiding away as a sign he is lucky to get a break. He will see it as a sign his life is so miserable, he needs to hide from it. So, for the love of God, do not present this to him as a benefit he gets and needs to give up for you.

You are also resentful and unhappy, feeling overburdened and supported. Thing is, arguing with your H for him to take on more, will go down like a bucket of shit given how he is feeling about you ( and probably family life overall).

You are in the most vulnerable position though, as he is the higher earner who has the financial ability to leave. ( I know a homeschooler to four whose partner walked out on them all).

You both need a proper chat from the starting position that you are both miserable and your life is not working for either of you. Something significant has to change to improve everyone’s experience of the quality of life of the family. Or the family may end up splitting.

Your children will benefit more from a happy home environment than they will from homeschooling, and it sounds like neither you nor your husband like each other very much, or are fulfilled by the lives you have.

You are resentful, your husband sounds miserable, and whilst it’s great you are so passionate about homeschooling, your writing structure, spelling and grammar are quite…. unusual, so I do question if your confidence in your abilities to homeschool might be slightly misplaced.

Put the children in school. Get a part time job so your husband can find a job that isn’t destroying him, and he can help more around the house. Them going to school doesn’t mean you can’t teach them at home as well if you want to, but it’s clear that the set up now is not working for any of you.

I didn’t even spot the partner bit. Very foolish decision.

It seems like he is really checked out of family life @EducatorMum .

It could be mental health related if he is really struggling with his job.

Do you think the recent change to homeschooling your 11yo has made him realise the finality of him having the financial burden? When you were off with the younger children, it was a temporary stage of life, but now you are both faced with the entire education of a 2yo.

I completely sympathise with wanting to step off the school treadmill with the children. The school system makes many children very unhappy.

I think you may need to both consider changing things around a bit to share the load more evenly. Could you both work part-time and share homeschooling over the week? It would be more tax efficient, you could receive child benefit (if your DH currently earns over the threshold) and you would be building your pension.

I think if your family are serious about a lifestyle change, it needs to encompass everyone in the family and may need to include a house or area move to make it truly workable.

You said “naturally I do all the housework”….
I don’t think that’s “natural”. The house is a shared space/home/asset for which both adults are responsible.

The issue is the division of time. He has a job he hates but also a home life with a wife and 3 children he presumably doesn’t hate.

What discussions did you have about the division of responsibility for the children’s daily needs, education, house management and family time?

You took on the education role (which requires lots of interaction with other home-schooled children to provide vital socialisation) who said that means you also have 24/7 responsibility for the house and children?

If the children were in school and you worked, how would home-life be managed by the two of you?

Women often take on the whole of domestic life as a “job” if their partner earns the money to pay for things, yet the money always seems to be valued higher/accorded more status and decision-making than all the other work and care.

Of course it’s unsustainable for you to do this alone for another 15 years. If he needs Saturday lie-ins after a week of work, you need Saturday evenings or a Sunday lie-in for you to recuperate too.

It sounds as if there needs to be some discussion about the time you share the home as a family and which of you is responsible for what, when.

Good luck.

Realistically, you have saved child care costs and you have educated your children to your satisfaction. Both you and DH should be actively caring for the children out of school/work hours about an equal amount. And DH should be doing his fair share of household chores on weekends and after hours throughout the week.

Make an extensive list .
Allocate home schooling and childcare to hourself during DH work hours

Examine all other tasks.
Divide tasks that are left at the end of each day between you.
Expect DH to do bed times with small children. Leave him to it; he will get better.

DH should not be staying up until 12 midnight then expecting a sleep in on Saturdays. Firmly mark on the calendar some private time for each of you as well as some couple time and family outings for each week. Allocate chores for all of you including the two older children.

You could tweek the arrangement to be more equally workable for about three more years but then I would plan to put all back into formal education.
You could work three days per week and also take the lions share of extra curricular education and child care while DH works four or five days at a job that he finds more fulfilling than his current one.

So, you'll have three years to select schools and hunt for jobs.

It can hapoen, but usually the other parent is happy to go along with it to avoid responsibility.

I would also point out that you presumably go out into the world with the kids, and meet other parents and have some sort of community in your day. It sounds like your H spends all day alone, in the house. And doing a job he hates. His mental health must be appalling.

Something has to change.

Keeping fully out of the EHE argument, it sounds a bit like your husband doesn't enjoy spending time with you. He's not with you in the evening, is sleeping in at the weekend, then doesn't want to do much on the weekend days. How's the marriage generally? Might some different choices all round help here?

He also sounds like he's either bone idle or checked out of the family set up, and I'd want to know why?

Edit: just read the latest posts and see someone has articulated this much better.

It sounds like they’re all on top of each other at home most of the time. The only one happy in this situation is probably op and her partner has completely checked out.

Not sure I have any answers for you but it's interesting that so many posters on Mumsnet seem to devalue work that isn't paid. I wonder what would happen to society if everyone who wasn't paid for their work just downed tools for a month. I think you are working incredibly hard OP but things might have to change for both of you so a conversation with your husband is overdue.

Sounds suffocating all of you at home all day everyday.

Also I do wonder, what if something happened to the OP? Even a couple of weeks in hospital. They have made the children completely dependent on her for baths, bedtime and probably eating, and education and everything else. I actually think it’s so irresponsible. I’m not getting a sense of a wide support network here. Things need to change.

I wouldn’t say that. It’s just clearly this set up is only what op wants. It’s not necessarily what the rest of the family wants or needs.

You have no idea what the children need.