Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

It's more about having parents who are able to find the connections to activities and external resources and willing to make the effort to connect to them. I mean, if your child has a learning disability, for example, they may not be able to achieve in the same way as others, but that's true of school as well. For these type of children, home education can often be better for their self esteem as it gives them the flexibility without the same pressure. Some children will do well no matter what. Some won't. I think it's been well proven in all educational spheres that parents are who have the most influence in how well a child does. Academic attainment is only one part of life though and I think we do over emphasise it for young people at the expense of recognising multiple intelligences.

YANBU to expect your partner to be an adult/father.

Who did his laundry, cleaning and cooking before he met you, OP, when I assume he already worked F/T? His mum? A servant?

If he works in data, perhaps he’d like to work out how little he contributes. You both work full-time, if your job is childcare of 2 x pre-schoolers and educating the 11 yo.

Most parents have to work all day (many in jobs where they can’t WFM so add on commutes etc) and spend their non-paid-working time with their kids and doing housework. If people don’t want to be responsible for parenting, they shouldn’t have kids.

IMHO, it sets a v bad example to kids if the mother does most of the parenting and housework.

If he hates his job, he should look for a new one. That’s what adults do when they hate their job.

Also strongly suggest you aim for financial independence, especially if you’re not married.

Amen.

What about putting the kids in school and taking relief teaching jobs just 3 days a week? You'd have 2 days a week to get the bulk of the house done (or money to hire a cleaner) and a bit of time to yourself. I'd hire a cleaner personally and then one day make sure I had pilates or yoga or something like that, followed by coffee with a friend.

You could get a job not related to teaching, but substitute teaching pays pretty well. You only need a toe in the door at a couple of schools and if you're competent, you'll have plenty of work.

You'd still get to do drop offs and pick ups of your own children some days, you'd still be doing the bulk of the home stuff, but you would have money, some time to yourself, pension contributions (don't overlook the value of this) and you'd be there for the kids for school holidays. On the teaching side, you don't have the planning load and you're not having to write reports and deal with parents. Walk in, be confident, hold the fort for the day and off you go home.

So your 11yo is effectively in Y7 now and you’ve been homeschooling for a total of 4 days?

I think your problem is that your values actually don’t align. From your other responses, it sounds like you husband can take or leave homeschooling and can take or leave you working or not. Maybe he’s vaguely supportive of the choices you’ve made and gone along with it, but if he doesn’t really see the value in you homeschooling or being a sahm he won’t appreciate how this is benefitting your family and how you each need to play your part to make this viable. He’s just not that into it. Adding in the homeschooling is a ‘you’ thing, so he’s not bothered enough for you to do it if it’s going to affect him negatively (by him needing to do more).

Were you a sahm since your eldest was born? If that’s true and you previously did everything with no complaints and have only recently started homeschooling he might not consider the extra workload you’re undertaking and instead neatly files it as more ‘home stuff’ which has always been your domain. Was there a discussion? Do you feel you’ve underestimated homeschooling?

If he hates his job then it’s only a matter of time before he starts resenting you. I honestly believe most men don’t believe in sahms, they think the woman is lucky that they have them providing and believe they don’t ever need to do anything in the house as they’re doing their job.

When you worked as a teacher, were you "a stranger who could not care less" to your pupils? I'd be offended if any parent at my school suggested I cared nothing for the kids in my care.

I think there are two issues here:

1. Your DH hates his job. He can either look for a new job or he can quit and you work. Or he can suck it up.
2. What happens outside of work hours. You both have difficult jobs. Homeschooling is no breeze and you’re a better woman than me for taking it on! But outside of working hours, I would absolutely expect chores / childcare to be split 50/50. I think it’s bizarre that it isn’t.

Don’t children naturally want to be with other children? My kids were so happy to return to school. Homeschooling is a lot of pressure on your home. I think it’s ok to change your mind, send them to school & get some much needed headspace for you all. Unless this is about you being unhappy as a teacher and not wanting to go into a school? I know many of my friends are. It’s a difficult job these days.

Home should be your sanctuary. For all of you. Your home sounds like a pressure cooker. Too much work/schooling under one roof. You should open things up and allow everyone to breathe. I hope your husband finds a job he enjoys. He sounds very unhappy.

You say your DH is supportive of your decision to homeschool. I suspect that in reality he finds being the sole breadwinner very stressful and he is resentful of what he sees as you choosing a way of life that unnecessarily places an additional burden on him.

As a qualified teacher you have the means of earning a decent salary while your kids get the benefits of schooling but because you want to be with your kids all the time you have forfeited that.You can try to get him to pull his weight a bit more but we know that’s not going to happen. He sees you as the home manager - that’s your domain - rather than as a joint and equal partner.

Don’t know if I’m typing this in wrong lace or not- but OP you’ve had A LOT of negative responses- IMO unjustly. You have the knowledge and experience to home school your own DC who you KNOW. It’s a full time job. I’m sorry your DH doesn’t like his but he’s a grown up and it’s kinda his issue to sort out. It doesn’t excuse him from parenting either. Do what YOU think is best and forget the critics- including DH. Side note- I worked in a primary school and saw so much going on that I would consider unacceptable for my boys so I can kind of get where you’re coming from. Keep strong 💪

I think you're unreasonable to continue with a situation that both of you hate. Having a SAHP needs to be an ongoing, dynamic decision that both of you are happy with. Neither of you is happy here and both of you are resentful.

For balance the only home educated kid I know went to Oxford (the first in his family to even go to university)

You know your husband better than us, is he resentful about you home educating while he has to work full time and bear all the responsibility of earning the entire family income? Or has he always been a bit lazy and didn’t help much with your first child?

I don’t think you can leave the home schooling out of this conversation. Because it seems indulgent if it’s having such a negative effect on your family life as a whole. If you could work instead and your husband could change jobs then surely the family would be happier overall. It’s not normal to spend so little time as a family.

However if he just uses his job as an excuse to opt out of family life then you have a different problem to solve.

You’ve got loads on your plate! I take it your 11yo is year 8 so you’ve already done 1 year of homeschooling if they were in school to year 6? Or are you literally just starting?
It does sound a hell if a lot to take on, unless your 11yo is a self starter, which given their love of reading etc they could well be. If they’re ok to crack on with a bit of direction, pointing to the right video lessons etc, to leave you enough time with the 4 and 2 year old.
I can’t see how it’ll work long term without the 2 yo having some time in nursery so you can actually teach the 4 yo - they will probably need the most attention to stay on track and learning although as the 2 yo gets older they will too.
I guess see how it goes - you need a very calm helpful set of kids tbh for it to work - if they were all loons it would be impossible but 3 good kids would work and they could settle into and get even more self disciplined over time. And you’ve always got the option to put them back in school if they get bored/you can’t manage it, say from year 10 for GCSEs or pre-Sats or whatever.
Either way though, your DH owes you some relaxing time. I always think about sofa time- as long as you’re both getting the same amount of sofa/chill time then it’s fair. He can choose his job just like you’ve chosen yours, with his agreement- saying he hates it but not looking to move is not fair reason for you to never have a lie in.
He could do something in the evenings if it’s making dinner/dishwasher/washing, just one thing would really help you.
Good luck I hope it all works for you!

He could take a job that paid less that he may enjoy more.
People wouldn't be at home all day so less mess to tidy up.
You'd both get a break from being on the house nearly all the time. I left my last job as WFH all week was destroying my mental health.

I never understand this 'strangers' idea. The teachers / support staff dont need to love you child, your children are there to play with other children and learn without realising. They are not strangers after the first day .

The responses here are unreal. Ive done both sides and I can assure you working at your desk in data all day is way less tiring than what OP is doing. I now go to work for a rest and I have a high pressured job. When he comes home he should put the same effort as you, simple as that.

I'm a SAHM who home educates. What I don't get done during the day, my husband helps me with in the evenings. On his WFH days he usually does bathing and bedtime, not least so he gets more time with the children.

If your husband can't sleep, then by all means give him the lie-ins, but it's hard to understand why he can't help in an evening. The children won't start settling with him until he's more involved! And once they're in bed, at least you then bet time together - no matter if it's doing practical things while you chat.

If you're in the UK, you might wait to look into the legal difference between home educating (Electively Home Educating or EHE) and homeschooling. You use the latter term, but it sounds like you're doing the former. If not in the UK, please ignore that.

Your job is homeschooling, his job is data whatever.

You both contribute, his contribution happens to be financial.

Outside of your working hours, there is zero reason why you should be the family skivvy while he gets lie ins and plenty time to himself without a list of chores.

If he hates his job and his mental health is suffering, then as a family, you may need to look at rebalancing the financial contribution so you earn some and he can earn less.

Have you looked into flexi schooling? If you could do that 2-3 days a week and get a teaching job / supply work on those days, then with tax he would be able to earn a good chunk less for you to have the same household net income.

Thank you so much.

Did he want all 3? Was the 3rd child something he absolutely wanted or was it more you

What a mess. It sounds like your DH has completely checked out of family life. Is he ill? Why is he so tired? Is this the life he wanted? Tbh you all sound like you're all together a lot- you're homeschooling, there's a toddler as well as two school age children and he's WFH, everyone is at home too much!

It doesn't sounds like a great atmosphere for the children - your DD is seeing her mum running round doing every thing while her dad shuts himself a way. What are example are you showing her about future relationships? I don't think your attitude about work is great either - not for your children or DH. He's at work every day and you're saying "no I don't want to". Its also saying to your kids that going to work is optional. It just seems like there's a lot of resentment and very little quality communication.

Dads often want the kids as a 'legacy' but not the work that comes with them. A lot of men actively spend their time trying to avoid it but will say they love their kids and believe they are great dad's.

I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him

How do couples let this happen? We shared every bath time and bed time from day one. Why should the mum do it all? I don’t care who is at work and who is home, the children should settle for both parents.

OP why have you let this happen? Or why does your husband refuse to try? I don’t believe this situation could not be changed. I think so little of dads who outsource bath and bed etc to mum, it’s weaponised incompetence, nothing less. Of course he should help with this.