Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

I mean… what did you expect when you had 3 kids and decided to not only be a SAHM but also to home school? You were never going to have time away from them.

I make a home and rear my child single handed and earn significantly at a full time job

Proven?! By who? When? A 2 year old is better off in the care of people other than their mother?! Absolute insanity on this thread with zero evidence.

The homeschooling thing is getting a lot of heat. Not something I’ve done or would do but no judgement from me, I think it can be perfect for a lot of kids. However I am also a senior manager in data. One thing I will say in your DH favour is data has changed so much over the past few years and for the majority of roles not for the better. I would also love to leave data. However many data roles even at senior level are flexible, work from home and pay very very well. It’s bloody hard to leave because there isn’t many industry’s that pay the same and have the same flexibility for the money.
However, I work full time as a senior data manager earning £75K (assuming your husband is on the same or more) and I am also the main caregiver to my 4 and 1 year old. The reason being that my husband is a paramedic and works 12–15hr days. So tbh I don’t get that he can’t pick up anything. Because I pick up the majority and there isn’t much different other than me being a mum and him a dad

I feel sorry for all of you!

Since it is primarily YOUR choice to home school, I think you're being very unfair towards your DH. He hates his job, yet you want him to take on more work around the house, so you can fulfill your preferred choice to home-school? I could understand this if you had a very strong reason for doing so e.g. your children couldn't cope in a school environment or have a disability that makes attending difficult. To do it because you think you can do a better job is something, quite frankly, you don't have the luxury to do in your current situation. Have you even considered what home schooling actually involves? How you will handle subjects you don't know well? Or give them the opportunity to develop social skills? My brother tried this and found it much, much harder than he thought it would be.

I would strongly suggest that you discuss together a way forward that works for both of you, and not just expect your DH to fall in with YOUR choices.

Go away for a week by yourself and let him deal with the kids.

@tomatoplants I am a 1:1 tutor for children not currently able to access education and I fully agree that students can make exceptional progress.
But I don't agree that this would be possoble with a 4 and 2 yo also present and (understandably) demanding of my time.

Where are these magic four hours coming from? Do the children disappear for that time?

Did you answer my question about your expectations of childminders to do their chores?

Totally agree. It's a myth that we can have it all and be all things all the time. That myth has put a lot of pressure on women. You can't be in two places at once giving 100% to everything. Feminism was supposed to be about choice, not running other women down for making choices different to our own. Being home and fully present with your children is a very valid choice too.

i would agree with this poster, but I do think the fact of your having chosen to do a full time unpaid job like homeschooling means you don’t have a leg to stand on arguing he should change while you do what you chose and say it’s hard. I know you say he chose it too but it sounds very much like you’re the driver. I know you say it’s better for the kids but it’s a choice and one that millions of parents are not making. So I’d say if you can’t afford to leave him and also homeschool you only really are able to change this if you put the dc in school, get a job and tell him to contribute at home or to leave.

I'm working a job I hate, husband is a sahd and all the kids are in school. He does laundry and cooking, we have a cleaner because he doesn't want to do that. I'm still up early every weekend to take them to activities, we spend our evenings together. Your husband doesn't seem to like you much.

You can’t choose what is and isn’t debated on a thread. You made a very derogatory comment about teachers not caring, of course people are going to react to that, it was downright nasty.

And people have views on home schooling. I think with the best will in the world homeschooled kids are not going to grow up with the same social skills as kids in school - learning to share, work as a team, interact with a mix of people etc.

You’ve decided this is best for you and you’ve decided to inflict it on your kids. People are going to have opinions on that and you can’t tell them they’re not allowed to voice those opinions on your thread. It isn’t bullying, it’s freedom of speech.

@AllIneedAreMyFamilyandDogs It is absolutely possible to be a working parent and a great mum too.
What we need more of is men who step up equally as fathers so this can be far more easily facilitated.

Just go back to work let the kids go to school your all be far happier, sod the husband

You've mentioned home education groups, it may be worth discussing with the parents in them how they balance their home life. It was a popular topic in some of the groups I was in.

IME, it varies a lot and there is no norm. When I was home educating four kids, I knew families where mothers did everything as you describe while the father works, I knew single parents who home educated doing everything with some support from friends or extended family, and I knew couples and separated co-parents working opposite shifts to make it work. My husband and I did various ways of working to balance it all over the years.

Well before we had kids, my husband was doing a significant amount of the housework including most of the cooking. From our first, my husband would regularly take them for walks and trips out while I had some quiet time and was settling the kids to bed from around 6 months. There are times we've needed to rebalance, but even during times when only one of us has been working and/or one of us was doing nearly all the housework, we've had discussions around being tired, drained, but not throwing a lack of gratitude at the other party for discussing difficulties. Life is full of difficulties, part of being partners is helping each other work through them, not to belittle each other for struggling.

The various ways home educators make this balance isn't going to help if you're in a partnership with the kind of conflict that's being described. You'll need to hash out what kind of balance you each want with each other.

There are a couple things that are confusing:

We both have thought I could provide a better education for them than at public school. It was my initial idea

Why public schools specifically?

I would rather home educate my children than go out to work yes. Is that a bad thing these days?

'These days' - home education hasn't been the norm in most of the UK in well over a century, for some groups far longer. Even with the post-COVID jump up in numbers (which still baffles me with how badly home educated kids got screwed during that time) it's still a small minority.

A lot of people prefer being with their kids over working, that's not the same as comparing working with home educating. I quite enjoyed home educating most of the time, but it's full on and I don't think most people would want to be fully responsible for all aspects of their children's education, social needs, and more if they have other suitable options especially with older, secondary age children. That's why a lot of home educators are those with children who have additional needs who either have issues getting a suitable placement in the first place and/or have had severe issues in the school system and were withdrawn.

Why would a father not want to get up in the morning with the children he wanted?

You should ask your husband that.

I didn't say it wasn't possible to be a working parent and a great mum too. I'm not arguing that because I don't believe that anyway. I have been both a working mum and a SAHM. There is a difference. Even not being there for that first hour or two after school two days a week, there's a difference. You can't be in two places at once. The point is that teaching our daughters they can have it all doesn't really serve them well. That adds a lot of pressure. In a perfect world, balance is ideal. Of course it's not a perfect world. What I want for my children is that they feel they can make the right choice for them and their families, be that work or SAHP or a combination, without feeling they are less because of their choice or circumstances.

I actually think your husband is treating you like a mug OP. If he was in agreement that you should stay at home and educate the children yourself, then no matter what job he does, he should be taking part in the children's lives, but it doesn't sound like he is. Why exactly doe he hate his job, or is he just using this as a stick to beat you with?

I'm one of the older Mums on MN, and so had my family when a lot of Mums just expected to stay at home to raise the kids. My DH worked full time, but he still appreciated that even when the kids went to school, I didn't sit at home painting my nails all the time, but did the housework, tended the garden, took the kids back and forth to school and clubs etc., and that I also actually supported his career, to the point where we could afford to have kids in the first place. He couldn't wait to get home and spend time playing with them when they were little, and even though I was the one who spent most time with the kids, he still put in enough time and effort that they were happy for him to take care of them if I was sick, and could bath them and put them to bed if I needed to be doing something else. So I actually think that your DH is being a lazy sod, and uses the fact that he hates his job as a way of making you feel bad for being a stay at home Mum and teacher, effectively doing TWO jobs, not just the ONE that he does! By the sound of things, he's putting in no effort to build a relationship with his children, and isn't looking after his relationship with you. I think you need to sit down together, and discuss what you both actually want and expect from life, as if he's not happy doing the job he's doing, then he either needs to get a different job / change career, or you need to discuss together a different way of life, which you both get to enjoy with the family that you chose to create.

but the main job that fits into school hours (ish) is teaching?

OP, it’s absolutely unfair how little he’s doing outside his work hours. In principle if you are SAHM with kids at home and he is working then when he’s not working the duties should be split equally.

But I wonder if this may be partly because he hates his job and sees it as you’ve got what you wanted (home schooling, home with the kids) and he’s stuck in a job he hates to pay for it all. So he feels like he deserves more time off, because he’s been doing something he hates whereas you’ve been doing something you chose.

I think you need to have an open conversation with him. There’s lots of things that aren’t working here, for you or for him. And possibly for the kids, at least the eldest. So talk about what can be changed to make you both happier. And you should be open to one of those things being the kids going to school and you aiming to go back to work.

I'd say this isn't a very equal marriage. He gets alone time, a lot of alone time...but when do you get -you- time? I presume he also wanted children and a home? It should be 50/50. You both take a break, both take turns cooking and cleaning etc.

I personally would put the children in school, because a majority of children go to school and go on to have good futures. Did you and your husband go to school? I know times are, but nothing is ever perfect. Just like the atmosphere is more than likely not perfect for your children. Being in school would allow you both some peace and alone time to communicate. You could also get out of the house, because no doubt it potentially feels like a prison?

You both need to sit down. You need to tell your husband what you want out of life, but don't let him dictate to you. It needs to change because it's not working as it is, right now.

I do have friends who have home educated. It does all sound laudable and I understand some of the reasons for homeschooling.

I'm told that there are various groups where parents share expertise and online tuition is often arranged for children who wish to take qualifications.

I've also been told of plans to make use of the Open University.

Unfortunately, the end result is seldom as expected. I can think of several instances where teenagers have had to enrol in their local secondary school at 'A' level or Higher stage in order to access the qualifications that they need.

I do know children who have expressed their regret that they were unable to spend more time in secondary school - they feel that they've missed out on experiences and interactions in spit of their parents' best efforts to provide them with the opportunity to join various social groups and they seldom interact with the same breadth of people that they might encounter at a state secondary, for good or ill.

I'm also very aware of children who enrolled in college in their later teen years, but have dropped out of their courses because they cannot cope with full classes, particularly if they have been used to what their parents imagine to be a 'learner led' approach.

I do know one teenager who coped with the transition: he enrolled for one year at the secondary school where I taught. He wanted to take a particular college course and realised that he couldn't tackle the necessary qualifications at home.

So far as the OP's dilemma over housework etc is concerned, then all she can do is reason with her husband and explain why working with her children is, in fact, a full-time job.

Your family life sounds miserable, especially for you, sorry to say.

You don't do anything together at weekends.
You do all chores and family work and are exhausting yourself.
Your husband checks out of evenings.
You have to do every bedtime.
I'm assuming you never get to do anything for yourself?
Your husband hates his job.
You don't have time for each other.

What is your relationship? How would you describe it?
Was your husband this selfish and checked out before you started home ed? It sounds like you've only done it a year.
Could you both work part time instead, at least for a year or two? And split the home ed / childcare part between you (let's face it 2 and 4 yo don't need 5 days of education)

The question that @TiredShadows poses about 'public schools' is a good one, particularly since (I now assume) the OP is using the expression in the British sense.

Of course YANBU. I have six home educated children (seven when I have my niece here). We have it divided like this: during the time he’s at work, DH’s job is his job and my job is education and whatever I decide to do around the house that day. When he gets home, the house/kids/life admin is split 50:50. Otherwise he’s working normal hours and I’m working 24/7, which would hardly be fair. You are on a fast track to exhaustion and resentment, you need to sit down with him and figure out a more fair division of responsibilities and if that can’t be managed I’d consider going back to work.

Allow you….