Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

Your DH might be able to do a job he doesn't hate? Was it your idea to homeschool? Did he agree?

Will he also step up and help practically with the house and kids? Otherwise part time seems a good compromise. They need to have a good talk about whether the home schooling arrangement still works for them and is wanted by both.

I've known home schooling mothers who have worked a little, but they generally had older children.

Especially when so many of them are clearly so terrible and care nothing for children!

How is he in bed until 10-11? Haven’t you sent the kids in by 8/9?!

He goes off to an office for alone time while you get the kids in bed? Don’t they run in to see him or don’t you tell him to come out and help?

I wouldn’t put up with this!

You're the clueless one, there is no requirement for home educating parents to "teach" a "full suite of GCSEs".

We facilitate their learning, and children of GCSE level should be capable of self-motivated learning using the resources provided by their parents.

Not to mention the fact that "a full suite of GCSEs" is not mandatory, nor required.

Whether or not OP is teaching 10 hours a day, there's enrichment, planning, and resourcing to be done for 3 different aged children.

I don't think he can clock off every night, never do bedtime, basically leave all family matters to her and expect her to be single handedly responsible for the raising and education of all their children.

If he agreed to this arrangement, then he needs to respect the valuable work she is doing, the way she respects the valuable work HE is doing.

He also shouldn't want to just opt out of his children and family life.

If he won't change the things within his control that are making him unhappy then I don't know what you can do.

People on MN are super anti home school in general so the answers you get are entirely different to a SAHM who isn’t home schooling who is allowed to ask for their husband to parent their children and contribute to the house

Of course your husband shouldn’t be getting “me time” that you don’t get, 7-11pm every night and weekend mornings. That’s ridiculous. A SAHM is a working role agreed by both parties. His job isn’t 9-5 while yours is 24/7. He should split duties with you after work.

The fact that he acts like that suggests he’s completely checked out. For yours and your kids’ relationship with him, you should consider changes that can have a positive impact. But is he just a selfish man, and would anything you change make any difference?

We have one 2 year old and are exhausted from 2 years of terrible sleep, and don’t have enough time for each other. I can’t imagine managing 3 kids, unless they’re all in bed by 7 and you don’t see them until the morning. (I have a friend with 3 kids who someone manages this!)

Agree with PP that insulting teachers and people whose kids go to school derailed your main point. You also can’t expect people to know how you homeschool unless you tell them, as not everyone does it the same way.

OP it sounds like your current lifestyle does not suit either you or your DH. I think you need to sit down, with a mediator if necessary, and discuss how you can change things to make your lives more balanced and meet everyone's needs.

This is if your DH isn't checked out of the family and just doing everything he possibly can do avoid parenting or giving a shit about you, which his comments about the current situation do somewhat indicate. I think you're in a pretty vulnerable situation and should be prioritising ensuring you remain employable.

Not read all of your posts @EducatorMum but want to point out that you are NOT home educating 3 children. You only have ONE child of compulsory school age. The second child will turn CSA the term AFTER they turn 5yrs old. And your 2yr old is merely a toddler.

The legal term in the UK is also home educating, NOT home schooling. Home schooling is when the child is registered at a school and the school/LA are providing the work for them to complete at home. There is a distinct difference which is why using the correct terminology is important.

I'm a home educating parent, and my DH works from home full-time and does his fair share around the house and with parenting.

Your DH should be pulling his weight for sure.

It's relentless when they are young, I never got a break for YEARS but I will say it gets much easier as they get older. My youngest is now in double digits and I get me time now. Self-directed learning is a blessing.

But your eldest is now 11 and requires a secondary school curriculum. Are you up to speed on English Lit and language, history (there's a lot of it), geography, sex ed, the sciences, sport? This is going to involve a lot of explicit teaching of subjects. Schools also often provide extras like theatre trips etc. Can you do this with two much younger children?
Your DH could do more and you could encourage him but honestly, if he hates his job he needs to find one that suits him better. And I feel for him. He is looking at 16 more years of you being a homeschooler and him doing a job he hates. You need to find a way round this because currently you are both living miserable lives.
Children are wonderful, but you should not be building your lives around servicing them and doing nothing else.

So you have only been homeschooling for a very short time? Your 4 year old would be due to start reception round about now and your 11 year old would be due to start secondary school round about now.. so have you been homeschooling for a week and are already burnt out? In which case I would say homeschooling is probably not for you Or have I missed something crucial?

That aside.. no.. your husband should not be 100% off duty when he finishes work.. you should be a family together.. maybe even having some time to leave the house alo e every now and then..

There is NO legal requirement in the UK to follow the National Curriculum.

@ReadingSoManyThreads What is self-directed learning?

Watch out, there will be fury for you being a SAHM.

But be sympathetic to your DH for having the pressure he does. Your life is very tiring but probably not as mentally stressful as his.

He’s under huge pressure. All the financial responsibility sits with him. You have freedom to organise your life, and can change your situation if you are not happy with the status quo. You chose home schooling, if it’s not working out you could put them in school and get a job?

To answer your original question, no YANBU to want some help. He should do some housework and does he spend any time at all with you or his children if he's in his office all evening and having lie ins at the weekend?
This does all sound quite miserable if I'm honest , he avoids his family and hates his job, you are struggling with handling everything else and lack of personal time. Does he have any redeeming qualities and do you enjoy each other's company still?
I think you need to have some frank conversations about what needs to happen to make this set up better. If I'm honest I would get a job so that you have options if I were you.

People have commented about the homeschooling when that isn't really what this is about

You haven't said much about your DH. When you were still working did he do much around the house or was it still mostly on you?

I think that is the main issue because if he was helping instead of sitting around with you doing everything then you wouldn't be so stressed out.

Can you afford a housekeeper a couple times a month on his income?

I didn't say there was a requirement to follow the National Curriculum, I pointed out that a secondary curriculum is subject based and OP needs to teach those subjects. Were I to home educate I would expect to teach a varied curriculum including the arts, humanities and sciences - though I would probably use sports clubs for the sporty stuff. Home educating and not teaching history, geography, music, art, biology, chemistry, physics, maths, English lit and language, some sports etc would be depriving one's child of the knowledge they need to function and to think. One can outsource music and instrumental teaching and also sports and dance (private classes) but the rest needs to be taught, surely, if only to prepare for external exams and for further or higher education, but specifically to produce a well-rounded, educated and moral and ethical citizen?

As others have pointed out, OP is not homeschooling but home educating an 11 year old. There is a difference in the UK between these two names. Home schooling is controlled by the school which provides the work to be done whereas home educating (or educating otherwise) is at the discretion of the parent/carer.

There are plenty of home schooled/educated/whatever you want to call it students who have gone on to do very well at university. I don't think OP should be worrying about the home schooling first though. I think she needs to worry about her marriage. Her husband seems to be totally checked out. The home schooling probably won't be feasible if the marriage breaks up.

Of course its work, but still quite different from a job like your husband's. You have mich more autonomy than he does, and you aren't dealing with co-workers and bosses and KPIs and all the corporate bullshit that can be completely demoralising and exhausting.
We can't tell if your husband is just a lazy sod or if he is depressed and burn-out. If it's the latter its worth looking a changes now so he doesn't end up unable to work and support the household financially.

I hate the term SAHM because it is so derogatory, as though being a mother involved nothing but staying at home. A mother making a home and rearing her DC is admirable and it is a huge pity that one form of feminism has derided this role to the point where women are ashamed to admit to it and are pilloried for being lazy or wasting their lives or wasting their potential.

There's a couple of things that you can do. Stop going to bed with your 4 year old and start encouraging them to settle alone. I would not be happy with my dh locking himself away in his office all evening every evening, and would firmly tell him that's not on, that should be your alone time as a couple. Both of your sleep patterns are at odds with each other and I think that once you are on an even keel with bedtimes, things will improve, best chats of the day are snuggled up in bed just before you go to sleep. But you both need to want this for it to work.

Oof what a depressing scenario. You and your husband have no interaction or relationship, it’s transactional.

Your tween is spending all her time with a 2 and 4 yr old and you think she wants it to be that way. If she does, it’s a symptom of this horrendously weird set up.

I assume as your older child got towards secondary you panicked and had more children to avoid needing to go back to work.

Think of the kids a bit more perhaps. You and your husband clearly aren’t going to go the distance. You barely see each other.