Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

You don’t tutor EHE DC though unless you have changed jobs in the last few weeks.

Being closer to being on an equal footing with your DH meaning he would have to do much much more around the house and looking after his children.

I also totally agree with @Angryatheist in this matter like another previous poster (and a primary school teacher) has said.
. @Angryatheist isn't being ignorant at all..

The best reply 👌🏼 💯

The supportive posts have made very reasonable points. What does your husband say when you raise them with him? He is being not only unfair to you but pathetically petulant, complaining that he hates his job but not being prepared to look at alternatives. He has opted out of everything except providing income and feels free to criticise you. That is a heap of misogynistic shit and very bad for his relationship with the kids. You need to be challenging him more and not let him get away with these outdated ideas of family life.

That may be how YOU would approach home education, and if that's what would suit YOUR family, fair enough. However, home education comes in lots of various forms and it's not for you to project your expectations of home education on the OP, or others.

I have been home educating for close to a decade now, and I am also a former teacher, I have a very different approach to what you describe, yet my children are thriving and not deprived in the slightest.

There is NO requirement for home educating parents to teach the secondary curriculum.

Before making such claims, please do thoroughly read the DoE EHE Guidelines.

You’d have 2 incomes and your husband wouldn’t be shouldering all the financial burden?

@ReadingSoManyThreads Do your children have future plans regarding further education? Uni? Will this be achievable?

OP with respect, you don’t know what it feels like to be the sole breadwinner. It can be very stressful. I’ve been a single mother for four years, worried about getting sick, worried about losing my job, worried about taking too much annual leave.
In all honesty, I don’t know how you can know your husband is miserable and just let him become more depressed because you want to live out some odd house on the prairie fantasy.
Who pulls their year 6 kid out of school due to values?
Either you’re a religious nut who is worried about sex education or you’re a born again almond mum?
But it’s time to be honest about who really wants the homeschooling. Does your DH really want to risk his own sanity/ MH for this dream? Couldn’t you both work PT to make it better?
Or you could leave? See how UC provides for you, they don’t give a shit about your aspirations to home educate, you’ll have to find work.

I think you need to lay everything out on the table with your husband and he does too. What is happening now is unsustainable for you both. Discuss what things he hates about his work, what jother jobs are out there, what options there are for you earning money or reducing expenses. Also what can you do for your children to support your education values in a different way.

I will be honest. I am a single parent and every Saturday I lie in. I desperately need that to catch up. I just don’t get adequate sleep Monday to Friday. I don’t consider myself lazy because I’m cleaning up at 10:30pm frequently. But you also need time too.

@Budgiedrama OP doesn't want to go out to work - she's admitted that.

Haven’t read the full thread but I’m a home ed parent. Not through choice but for my child’s mental wellbeing. Yet I’m their only parent and so I do everything you do and work enough to pay the Mortgage, bills etc. to be honest I’d gladly be going to bed early with a child and doing all the housework if someone was willing to keep a roof over my head. But at the same time you do need to think about your future. Your pension. Having a f*ck off fund incase you ever split etc.
it sounds more that you hate being so reliant on this person and that he may have some deep resentment being the sole provider and all the responsibility lumped on him. Both are valid.
I would start looking for a way to provide even a small income for yourself from home, plenty of home ed parents do this.
also when you say ‘they won’t settle for him’ this sounds like he tried a few times and you ran in and ‘saved’ him. Therefore that is why they won’t settle for him. You need to let him do it and not interfere. They would settle for him eventually.

Of course they have future plans, why wouldn't it be achievable?

Wow! She's shouldering all of the household and parenting burden, and I doubt that would change if she was working on top.

@ReadingSoManyThreads Guessing they'd need to pass A-Levels? Do you teach them yourself to this level? I take my hat off to you if so!

I’d ignore them OP, they have an agenda which isn’t about giving you balanced advice.

Seriously it’s embarrassing reading this. If you know nothing about home education maybe refrain from commenting this nonsense.

My eldest two were home educated, went to university. One got prizes for being top of several classes. The other got the prize for being top overall student in their degree course. Another has a degree and two graduate qualifications but no prizes (even though they did well), as their study was very fragmented due to serious health issues. Youngest may never go due to disability issues, but you never know.

That said, the measure of success I use is whether my children are happy. Not how the world measures their income and material worth.

I’m afraid you won’t get much support, as most will focus on the fact you don’t work . Even though you us your qualifications to teach your own kids . They will fixate on it . MN is a very strange place when it comes to SAHM and home makers

@AllIneedAreMyFamilyandDogs Did you teach them yourself, including to A-Level?

I do a mix of teaching and facilitating their learning. My eldest is a very self-motivated learner, she does mostly self-directed learning, I haven't needed to teach her anything in years. She's currently working on her first GCSE course a year before her school peers. It's highly unlikely she'll do A-levels, there isn't an essential need for what she wants to do career-wise. She has been doing a lot of work herself in the field of work she'd like to do for the last 2 years and by the time she's 16yrs old, I'd imagine she'll be earning from it. I'd still like to steer her towards a college course though to give her a formal qualification. She won't need a degree, although there are degrees she could do, however, they are not essential, and I don't agree with young people getting into tens of thousands pounds of debt for an unessential degree.

My youngest child has been working towards the qualifications she needs for her chosen career, there are specialised courses she will need to take for this when she is old enough, but fortunately, A-levels and degrees are not required. She loves learning and loves to write me tests to take and then mark them!

If either of my children wanted to do a career where a degree was essential, such as medicine, law, engineering etc. I would of course support that, and ensure they were facilitated with the required A-levels, but it's highly unlikely my children will change their minds on their current career plans.

They are both extremely focussed and determined to succeed in the field they love.

@ReadingSoManyThreads Do you think it is possible to obtain GCCEs and A-Levels without any tuition? You said your daughter is fully self-directed which is impressive. Which GCSE is she taking? Is it one of a number?

It is not reasonable to expect you to work constantly and him not do the same, no. You both work 9-5 and then split the rest of teh hours fairly between you. But agree with others he is obviously really struggling too but for different reasons. Get yourself a PT job, kids back to school, give him breathing space to find a new job. Consider getting him some progressional help if his job is causing him to become depressed or burned out; he could just be selfish or he could be struggling himself.

You’d think time froze in 1996 for some people. My 100% home educated husband then acquired multiple degrees and an excellent job without any notable difficulty. 😂

I'd rather not get into specifics, however it is a creative subject, one she excels at. She's just started one for now, as she has started it a year early and with her being autistic, she wouldn't cope with being overwhelmed with doing too many at once.

It's absolutely possible for some children to not need tuition for GCSEs and A-levels yes. But that isn't saying that all children are capable without tuition of course.

Home education is all about tailoring learning for each individual child. Both of my children have very different needs, and learn in very different ways. My youngest child is a lot more academic than my eldest. My youngest loves to be "taught", I'm not sure yet what approach we'll take with her GCSEs as those are a long way off for now. My youngest doesn't have any SEN, so she'll likely handle numerous GCSEs with ease. That said, it's very expensive having to pay privately for GCSEs and the examinations, which is one of the reasons why many home educated children don't do 10. GCSEs aren't actually required for my youngest's chosen career path, she needs other qualifications specifically related to the job she wants to do, but we'll still get her to do at least 4 (including English & Maths), just in case, and I'd still like her to do a college course as a back-up plan and to keep options open for her future.

We play everything by ear and make sure each child has their own individual needs met, with their end goals in focus.