19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

[Susa1]

My 19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant.

He called me freaking out last week soon as the test was done and said they didn’t want it then the gf goes out that day with the test and shows all her family and friends. So now they are keeping it as she’s made that decision and he hasn’t had a say. To me it’s all off she has pcos apparently and was on the pill that she ran out of and didn’t want to speak to a doctor as she doesn’t like speaking to people. Yet now she’s gong to have to with pregnancy. Her mum went out that day of finding out and bought all pink baby toys as she her words hopes for a girl and is buying a pram this week of finding out after a few days late with her period. Am I being wrong here or is the way they have handled it crazy?

Yes I wanted better for my son he has just started a pathway to a great career and almost driving his life was on the up. His gf has never worked or has any interest in doing so and this concerns me as I want my son to have a good life not struggle.

He'll have to support the child financially, but that doesn't mean he has to stay with the girlfriend. A child is far less of a drag on a career than a deadbeat partner.

Well his only responsibility is 15% of his income for next 18 years. So he can just do that and be as loving a dad as he can possibly manage.

He doesn’t have to stay in a relationship with her if he doesn’t want to. Bet he uses a condom every time and for the rest of his life now.

The only way to spin this is for us to say congrats on being a Granny 👵

I can't say I wouldn't be equally gutted and disappointed about my child's future if they found themselves in similar circumstances. (I also agree with those suggesting a DNA test.) But your son is as much to blame for this situation as his girlfriend. She hardly held a gun to his head and forced him to have unprotected sex with her multiple times, did she? He knew he should be wearing a condom (it's impossible not to know about safe sex in this day and age), but chose not to.

Be angry that both of them were so foolish and shortsighted. But, ultimately, they will both have to grow up and decide what to do next. Your son could choose to be involved, or he could choose to walk away and pay child support, or walk away and pay nothing. The fact is, men get off easily. He can still have his fancy career, if he wishes, without worrying about childcare, being underemployed in a part time role, take the knock to his earning potential and pension etc.

She should have been honest about her use of contraception but he shouldn’t have relied on her when he was perfectly able to prevent it himself. It’s a lesson learned for him.

This doesn’t have to negatively impact him at all, in fact it might give him more purpose. Support him in continuing with his career pathway. It’s up to him how involved he wants to be (other than maintenance).

Internalise your resentment of his girlfriend. Don’t expose your son, her or your grandchild to it otherwise you might find yourself cut off from their lives.

Your son doesn't get a choice at this stage. She's pregnant and now it's her body and her choice. He shouldn't be having unprotected sex or trusting someone else to be responsible for preventing a pregnancy. Realistically, all he can do now is wait. Once the baby is born he can request a DNA test. He shouldn't take responsibility until he hacks a positive DNA test. In the meantime he needs to get a job and start saving money to support his maybe baby.

It's rather amusing that it's been mentioned that his girlfriend is of low calibre, yet he was sleeping with her on multiple occasions without condoms.

But ... he isn't low calibre?

Comical 😂

Nothing in the OP is as despicable as lying to trap someone into parenthood. Not one word of it. The tone of your post is pretty despicable though, when we’re talking about a boy who has been manipulated and deceived.
Firstly, her son isn’t wrong to want open and honest communication.
Secondly, if a devious, irresponsible woman (or silly girl) lies to her “partner” about taking contraception in order to trick him into getting her pregnant, then that “partner” has been exploited. It is HER job to be honest and not mistreat people.
Thirdly, if the way that that family tackle purchases suggests that they are viewing his unborn baby as a doll, it has everything to do with him. And just as much to do with OP as the other grandparents.

Imagine on one hand scolding him for not immediately being pleased and stepping up after being tricked into fatherhood (and then bamboozled with more falsehoods - the poor guy probably doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going)…and then in the very same post saying that he has no say in things relating to the baby.

OP I’m so sorry that this has happened. Ignore the spiteful comments and keep supporting your son. Remind him that he doesn’t need to remain in a relationship with a manipulative liar. He has his whole life ahead of him and doesn’t need to be held back by a scumbag family. He can still do all the things he planned while supporting his child and being a positive presence in his/her life…by the sounds of the mother and her family that baby will need a positive role model.
I will be warning my son not to trust anyone else but himself when it comes to contraception and I will do my best to steer him away from families like this (and praying he listens).

Harsh, insensitive post and not what OP needs to hear.
Nothing to be achieved by saying that he should have worn a condom.
OP, as hard as it is, you will need to stay strong. This is a shining example of how being a parent and all associated matters never ends.
Please try and avoid saying anything you might regret. And whatever happens, you need to be on your son's side to support him. If the girlfriend has the baby, you will need to support them too.
Please take care of yourself OP

It is certainly an unfortunate situation. But why is your high achieving son with a girl, who is lazy and not ambitious? Surely this is not the first time there has been trouble between them? Has he never mentioned that her family are a bit odd? I would certainly ask for proof of pregnancy and a paternity test. And while he shouldn't be with this girl, I hope he doesn't punish the child for it and is a good father.

I would put aside how it happened. Young people make foolish choices. Perhaps she did it deliberately, perhaps not. Forget about that - it doesn’t help anyone. He has a legal and moral responsibility towards the child. This would be true even if she had impregnated herself with stolen sperm.

it’s better, though not essential if you and your son maintain a cordial relationship with the mother and her family, whatever that looks like.

The child maintenance website shows the minimums, though it is better if he pays more:
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I agree with others that you should get a DNA test - you do not need to ask, and while others might disagree I think this should be done without the mother’s knowledge. If it is his which seems most likely, no harm will be done.

Don’t say anything at this stage you might regret.

not her job to support them. It was not her choice so she has no responsibility.

Respectfully, I think there’s probably a great deal to be achieved in pointing out that he should have worn a condom; while it’s not meant as a suggestion that he can go back in time, it’s certainly a reminder to him that he can avoid a repeat by learning from the mistake he’s made.

The thread title and its also the first line of the post 🤦‍♀️

19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

The sad thing I find is that nothing can prepare you for a baby. Everyone always glamourises and thinks it's going to be this romantic close bond with their partner/other parent and it will be all sunshine and rainbows.. the girlfriend probably thinks it's going to be really fun and shel get a house and benefits but noone will truly understand until being in that situation that

1. houses cost money
2. benefits are shocking if you only have one child no disabilities and are not a carer
3. if your child is disabled you have to be prepared for a completely different experience
4. you loose friendships and you feel stuck and trapped and have no "free" time anymore
5. you just never know if you will end up a single parent
6. children are relentless!!!!

She won't realise until it's too late. noone ever does.

you have had a child and you presumably know what it entails that's why you are worried for your son I guess.

he just needs to focus on being a present and supportive father and get his career sorted so he can be financially capable to have some independence for himself and his child.

Sending you love and strength as I am to OP. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story.

Wow

He is not a boy.

Sex carries the risk of pregnancy.

OP's son now has to take responsibility.

I sure wouldn't ever go to you for support!

So, the girlfriend's family have three dogs and a few other pets. Her family are supporting her through the pregnancy, and MNers are referring to her family as scumbags?

Hilarious.

At 19, maybe he's going to be a student a while longer? If his income is low then he'll be expected to pay very little, maybe zero, in CMS child maintenance, Then it's 12% of taxable income above a threshold. But only until he's 38, which seems a long way off, but not his whole life.

Think he needs to either commit or do the minimum. And the GF's family may make the former very difficult.

Holy Lord!
Do you actually have a heart?

Personally I’m not bothered how many dogs or ferrets they’ve got, and I’m not of the view that OP’s son is at all blameless, but I’m not uncomfortable with characterising lying about contraception and celebrating teen pregnancy as ‘scummy’ behaviour, either.

I'm guessing you emphasised over and over again during his upbringing that sex even with contraception is a risk of pregnancy every time?

So he chose someone who supported his ambitions and had ambitions of her own.

I guess not, when you feel he has a say in what happens in another person's body.

All you can do is encourage him to focus on his education AND new responsibilities....not being that MIL

It’s a bit late for this now but I’ve told my son that if he doesn’t want a baby then it’s on him to prevent that from happening by wearing a condom. It was silly of him to just trust her at her word.
The family don’t sound great, I’d be gutted if this were my son but also disappointed in him. I’d also be worried about my grandchild being born into this chaos. Try and be a loving grandmother to this baby, sounds like it’s going to need you.

If she has lied about being on the pill for some spurious reason then she conned him, possibly deliberately, she can stay not working now for a long time. He must insist on a DNA test before he makes any financial commitment.