19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

[Susa1]

My 19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant.

He called me freaking out last week soon as the test was done and said they didn’t want it then the gf goes out that day with the test and shows all her family and friends. So now they are keeping it as she’s made that decision and he hasn’t had a say. To me it’s all off she has pcos apparently and was on the pill that she ran out of and didn’t want to speak to a doctor as she doesn’t like speaking to people. Yet now she’s gong to have to with pregnancy. Her mum went out that day of finding out and bought all pink baby toys as she her words hopes for a girl and is buying a pram this week of finding out after a few days late with her period. Am I being wrong here or is the way they have handled it crazy?

Yes I wanted better for my son he has just started a pathway to a great career and almost driving his life was on the up. His gf has never worked or has any interest in doing so and this concerns me as I want my son to have a good life not struggle.

Given the girls mothers reaction, I wonder how old she was when she had her first. Young mothers are far more likely to have daughters who become young mothers themselves (a quick google suggests more than twice as likely). My DD's primary school school best friend became an Aunt at 10 and her mum was a grandmother at 31.

I'm sorry but your son has no one to blame but himself. He chose to have sex with this girl, knowing her and her family background. Bloody stupid to trust her word of being on the pill. And what about sexually transmitted diseases?

The girl absolutely has every right to make a unilateral decision of wether she carries on with the pregnancy. Her body her choice. You cannotnforce an abortion on someone. Maybe next time your son will use a condom until in a monogamous, long term relationship when both parties have had std tests and his partner can be trusted to take hormonal contraception.

Just because her family are buying stuff for the baby now when you wouldn't isn't really any of your business and you are being very judgemental. Maybe if your son had had better sex education he wouldn't be in this position

My ex tricked me into getting pregnant by coercing me into coming off the pill as he claimed that it was affecting my moods. He said he’d withdraw and bla bla. Anyway he didn’t, he ejaculated inside me and didn’t tell me, cue me getting pregnant and not realising until it was too late to consider whether I’d go through with it. Yes he deceived me but ultimately I should have refused to let him be in charge of contraception. Yes he’s a demon for tricking me but it’s my own fault ultimately. Likewise for your son, he needs to take responsibility for creating this life. It’s not all on her, if he didn’t want a baby he should have taken care of himself. Now it’s time to step up.

Clearly, other MNers think you are typing nonsense!

I didn't report your comment. Stop caring so much about me 😂

Of course it does! Thats why it got a nickname in the first place!

That’s the whole point: taking steps to ensure they don’t become pregnant. If situations like the OP’s son’s frequently resulted in men having to raise children single-handedly with no independent income then I could see the sense of your analogy. As it stands, the two things aren’t analogous at all. Where children are concerned, women in general continue to bear most of the burden and men in general less. Pretending that isn’t the case may be appealing but it doesn’t make it true, sadly. There are, as you’ll see, posters reassuring OP (not incorrectly) that her son will be able to ‘get away’ with paying minimal support and even not being in the baby’s life at all if that’s what he chooses. That is always going to be far easier for a man than a woman. Are there exceptions? Sure. But they tend to stand out precisely because of how rare they actually are.

Oh, this is awful. I am sorry you experienced this.

He should've used a condom anyway. There's not only pregnancy it protects against, although thats not 100% guaranteed There's such a thing as stds. Surely he was taught that in sex education at school if not at home?

Yes, its her body, her choice. If he doesn't want to be involved then he can choose to opt out. He'll most likely have to pay maintenance though. She sounds totally irresponsible though, what with all the pets etc. How on earth does she fund them all?

Doesn't sound the most sensible type of person to be a mother.

What if it was "he told me he'd had a vasectomy/was wearing a condom but he was lying and now I'm pregnant"? Maybe in a place where abortion is illegal.

Would you still have to laugh?

Uh? What has any of that got to do with what I wrote?
Yeah, it’s simple…it didn’t really need saying did it? Particularly when the post you quoted of mine emphasised the importance of wearing a condom, despite anyone else’s assurances. So why did you bother?
Was it because I also acknowledge how unacceptable it is to deceive and manipulate a sexual partner?

But women in this country can't generally be forced to be a mother.

These things aren’t analogous because pregnancy happens to a woman’s body, not a man’s. Tricking anyone, male or female, into parenthood is vile. But a woman will never be able to trick a man into incubating another human for 9 months and then birthing it, or choosing an abortion to prevent that. This is why people tend to have a more visceral reaction to men pretending to be vasectomised than women pretending to be on the pill. The consequences are not equal across the sexes. (But, again, both are vile.)

Yeah the not taking the pill and not telling him is shitty behaviour on her behalf. I guess support your son to continue his life as he had planned, it doesn't mean he can't achieve, he'll just have extra responsibilities to manage at the same time. I agree with PP though in not saying to much about girlfriend and family, that would backfire. I wouldn't be encouraging him to move in with her or anything either, he doesn't have to stay with her but he will have to pay child support etc.

But even if the father has to pay it'll likely be less of an obstacle to his life/career development than it will be to the mother's if she ends up having to care for it on her own for 18 years before picking up her life again.

Sure, but a man will never have to choose between termination on the one hand or pregnancy/birth on the other.

In terms of financial outlay it's only really going to be the same as having a nice car on finance. Likely less.

Good lord, it’s in the title!

I don't think I'd be too bothered about terminating an unwanted pregnancy. I'm not at all religious or particularly sentimental about it.

I am not sure what she the mum is but she let the daughter get a sleeve tattoo at 14 😳

I’m not sure how that’s relevant, to be honest. The point is that a woman might be faced with the choice. A man never will be. How you or I individually feel about these things is anecdotal at best.

So what?

Your son likes her.

What are you talking about? I referenced our disagreement, I didn’t say you reported me.
You can’t help yourself can you? 😅 you really struggle to engage with the actual content of the post you respond to, rather than the feelings they evoke.

But not every woman is like that. For me, it's my baby the moment it's conceived. I made sure my now husband was told that I would never terminate if I became pregnant before we had sex for the first time. It just felt right to make that clear, as it was his life too. I guess you don't have those conversations when you're having something more casual though (which I never did).

True. I think for me it's the lack of agency. Trusting somebody you love and then being betrayed and having to suck it up for almost two decades with no recourse.

I'd almost be in favour of a system where the man is allowed to opt out if he categorically doesn't want to be a father and the mother doesn't care. In reality, it'd never work because men would abuse it to claim they never wanted to be a father after lying to have unprotected sex. It'd need some kind of pre-nup. And we also have to think of what's best for the child, which generally isn't being raised in poverty.

But I think we'd see less of this if there was no priority housing given and no guaranteed financial contribution from the father. Not saying it should be this way but I think it'd be a deterrent.

Yes, I struggle to engage with nonsensical posts like yours. Stop trying to derail the thread with your feelings.