19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

[Susa1]

My 19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant.

He called me freaking out last week soon as the test was done and said they didn’t want it then the gf goes out that day with the test and shows all her family and friends. So now they are keeping it as she’s made that decision and he hasn’t had a say. To me it’s all off she has pcos apparently and was on the pill that she ran out of and didn’t want to speak to a doctor as she doesn’t like speaking to people. Yet now she’s gong to have to with pregnancy. Her mum went out that day of finding out and bought all pink baby toys as she her words hopes for a girl and is buying a pram this week of finding out after a few days late with her period. Am I being wrong here or is the way they have handled it crazy?

Yes I wanted better for my son he has just started a pathway to a great career and almost driving his life was on the up. His gf has never worked or has any interest in doing so and this concerns me as I want my son to have a good life not struggle.

If a man lies about using contraception it's considered a form of rape.

If there is a baby, the best you can do all do it love it. Having a child at 19 isn’t the end of the world, he is an adult and it could be the making of him. It’s not ideal but I have a couple of friends who had children in their teens and they did fine, had good careers and met and married other people later on. But their children were fine, they were fine and they still enjoyed life and now even more so with grown up kids while they are still young themselves to enjoy life.
keep contact and be in the child’s life.

Fuck. Well nothing he can do.

My sympathies though. Family sounds batshit!

Apparently you can. It's called stealthing.

But then surely if she’s the kind of girl/woman who objects to his using a condom if he wants to then the solution is to accept that he shouldn’t have sex with her, rather than go ahead without one? Wanting to use a condom for both their protection is a perfectly reasonable boundary. Perhaps we need to encourage young men to have the self control to walk away rather than making risky compromises just to get laid?

It would never have occurred to me to resist a partner wanting to use a condom. I’ve always seen it as less about them not trusting me and more about them wanting to protect us both. I

He can do what lots of men do, which is take zero interest and lie about his earnings if SE to pay the absolute minimum. Not saying he necessarily should but I'm not surprised men do this when lied to and told to suck it up.

It's the child that has my sympathy.

He doesnt have to stay with her but he does need to be a good father. Get a DNA test immediately. Encourage him to start putting money aside, talk about his responsibilities, contact , maintenance etc. Help him see he's not trapped, he can still have a successful life, enriched by having a child. Don't get involved in the drama. Don't criticise her or family, listen to him and support him

Yes. It’s its own porn genre, so considered a bit of a goal by a certain kind of man . . .

Ugh.

It makes me shudder.

It's easy to say this when you won't ever be in the situation yourself. It's a bit like saying women should avoid having children if they don't want it to impact their career/be discriminated against.

In the last thread loads of posters were admitting they'd have a hard time getting over it if their partner refused to trust them about birth control.

Er if your son isn’t going to use a condom he only has himself to blame. For one using the pill doesn’t protect against STI’s.

He hasn’t really got a choice now. Maybe spend the next few months considering if you want a relationship with your grandchild.

It’s not offensive to simply say you are taking responsibility for your own sexual health reproductive choices. Anyone who is offended by that isn’t worth being in a relationship with.

This

How do you suggest they do this? You can't have half a baby, so there is no compromise. It's baby or no baby. It's in her body, it's her choice. This is why men always need to wear a condom, unless they are in a relationship where a baby is okay.

I have sons in their 20s. I taught them early that they shouldn't take the word of a woman for it, if the woman accidentally skips a pill or there are other reasons it might not work, so they should back themselves up with condoms. They are just as responsible. Then I also taught them that even with two methods of contraception, pregnancy has still been known to happen, so they should think about that. Then I told them that if a pregnancy happens, they get no say what happens with that pregnancy, so they will have to live with whatever the woman decides. This is essential education for all men. If they then choose not to heed it, this is what happens.

All you can do now is support your son, prepare for likely grandparenthood and talk to him about making sure it doesn't happen again.

Not good enough - he should have not relied on her and been responsible for himself and also used protection. This is just as much his responsibility for happening and you seem to be enabling his poor decision making if he didn’t want to have a baby by saying it’s her fault and not making him have any accountability.

Easier said than done. It's like how a pre-nup is often a logical decision but still rubs a lot of women up the wrong way.

At 19, it is very fair. Big difference from a committed relationship at 30.

That’s a shame. They sound like a risky prospect sex-wise, then, and I would advise the men concerned to find a sexual partner who’s on the same page; they don’t have to have sex with every woman they’d like to, after all. It does seem odd of them to frame it in terms of trust, though. To me, using a condom is just a way to protect both partners. The question of trust needn’t enter into it, really.

There’s no trust or red flag issue. Everyone is taught in school that contraception can fail. There’s a risk of pregnancy if you have sex. End of. This risk can be reduced by contraception, but not eliminated. Any man with even a basic education and common sense wears a condom.

I have read some really creative attempts to blame women for everything men do (or don't do) on here, but this one really takes the cake.

You're assuming her motives here. And he allowed her to 'trap him' by not using a condom. If she'd had a tummy bug and taken the pill faithfully it could still have failed them.

Yes, it is the woman's decision, as it should be. I understand you being worried for your son and not thrilled with the situation but all you can do is make the best of it, love the child, seek to have an involved father, and your son can still get on with building his life.

Yes did such a shit job that my son sees the good in people and doesn’t think anyone would be so calculated to use him to have a baby as he trusted her

Yea, to teach a child this is particularly foolish. I taught mine to wrap it, doesn’t matter if someone says they are on the pill, infertile, an alien from another planet who can’t get pregnant from humans, all moot, you wrap it. AND, even then, think carefully as if it fails you are trapped for the next 25 years so you need to be sure it’s a situation you can tolerate being trapped in. That’s what you teach your kids!

Of course. Because if a man impregnated a woman by stealth then he will typically have removed the condom she saw him put on, and caused something very significant to happen to her body without her consent. She will then be forced to either undergo a highly intrusive medical procedure or carry and birth a child.
If a woman says she is on contraception and a man doesn't want to be a father then all he has to do is tell her his preference is to take responsibility for his own fertility because he really doesn't want any accidents, and wear a condom.
If she takes exception to that, he walks away.

Just extraordinary that parents aren’t teaching their sons this.