19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

[Susa1]

My 19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant.

He called me freaking out last week soon as the test was done and said they didn’t want it then the gf goes out that day with the test and shows all her family and friends. So now they are keeping it as she’s made that decision and he hasn’t had a say. To me it’s all off she has pcos apparently and was on the pill that she ran out of and didn’t want to speak to a doctor as she doesn’t like speaking to people. Yet now she’s gong to have to with pregnancy. Her mum went out that day of finding out and bought all pink baby toys as she her words hopes for a girl and is buying a pram this week of finding out after a few days late with her period. Am I being wrong here or is the way they have handled it crazy?

Yes I wanted better for my son he has just started a pathway to a great career and almost driving his life was on the up. His gf has never worked or has any interest in doing so and this concerns me as I want my son to have a good life not struggle.

He chose not to play his part and take responsibility.

Err no. He should have taken responsibility for contraception, regardless of what his partner said. That is part of being an adult, which he is. He will have to grow up fast and take responsibility - that is also part of being an adult. I hope his parents will support him in stepping up.

Agree with this.
Plus, paternity test.

Bareback sex is unprotected sex. It is indeed exactly what it is.

I have 2 teenage boys and they know they are supposed to wear a condom because after that, they don't get to decide anymore!

Yes I already said earlier that he should have worn a condom as he didnt want a child.

Im just saying that there is an assumption that women are happy for men to use condoms, Im not personally. And like others have said, you tend to make a decision as a couple what contraception is being used, why would you disbelieve your girlfriend if she says shes on the pill, if you dont trust her, you probably shouldnt be together.

If you want a belt and braces approach, thats a different matter, but many of the posters are berating her because he believed or trusted she was on the pill as if hes some sort of idiot for that.

And sure, your son could fall back on his bare minimum CSA contributions, but absolute shame on him (and on you) if he does that. Utterly despicable.

Because women must carry the weight of a man.

It's fascinating how women love to blame the woman in these scenarios while they're irresonsible sons breed wild.

It’s hard to take anything you say seriously or give it much weight when your opening line is “Do you know what, just fuck off.” It’s hardly an intelligent or mature response.

Yes, so would not being manipulated by a liar.
But we don’t blame the victim of manipulation, we blame the manipulator. We support the person who has had their lives turned upside down, whilst encouraging them to do right by the innocent child despite their being deceived. That’s that “nuance” thing I was talking about earlier, remember?

Absolutely.

My DS knows that sex can lead to pregnancy.

We have men driving large vehicles, but they fail to realise that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy.

Sex is not rocket science.

"Because women must carry the weight of a man."

Oh please- the sheer mawkishness- the next time a male copper, firefighter, lifeguard steps into danger and saves a woman's life I hope she reminds him that it is in fact her carrying the weight of this situation

Birth control begins and ends with the person wanting to have sex but not wanting a baby – end of story. That’s him as much as her in equal measure. Especially when you are a teenager.

Is she is naive for thinking she is infertile – very likely. But she is 19 and also very likely sexually and biologically uneducated. No evidence at all she has intentionally ‘trapped him’.

Buying things for a baby is not treating it like a doll – it’s buying things for a baby. The OP can be whatever grandparent she wants to be. She doesn’t get to dictate who buys things for their upcoming grandchild.

Oh, yes, well - I totally agree then! I hate condoms. The feel of them is awful compared to without them, and I'd rather not have penetrative sex than use them, in a relationship at least.

And you're right - he's not at fault for trusting the person he was dating, and taking her at her word that she was using contraception. He could've been more assiduous, sure, given how opposed he is to a child with her, but he wasn't being irresponsible in trusting her. It's one of those things where it's really important to pick your partner carefully, and make sure your values align. Of course, young people aren't the best at that!

Of course he'll have to. Does the OP seriously think her son should be able to decide that a woman isn't going to keep a baby.

He doesn’t get to choose to not financially support his child.

Its just sex, it doesnt need some alarmist special made up name. Its not abnormal.

In the case of family planning, and stereotypes relating to contraception, sex, and abstinence, there is a far greater expectation and burden on women than men in western society. This is exactly why boys and men are so ready to believe even a new partner when she says she’s on the pill: it all ripples out from that central societal belief that the burden of contraception ultimately rests with her, and that ‘proper’ sex is condomless sex. I don’t think it helps anyone to pretend this isn’t the case.

The term bareback is not made up. What's alarmist?

He repeatedly had sex without a condom. That was his choice. Continuing a pregnancy is 100% her choice.

It achieves bringing it to someone’s awareness that someone’s decisions in having sex and not wanting a child begin and end with them. Perhaps then she will not harbour so much disdain for the mother of her grandchild while her son’s decisions in this are wholly excused.

It’s beyond inappropriate for her to claim her son gets a vote in a woman’s decision to abort.

Its not a joint decision.
The fact you think it should be because you want your son to have some control here doesn't change that fact. The only time a man gets to decide if he becomes a father or not is at the time he has sex. Thats just how it is and we all know that. All your anger is wasted energy. You have no power here and nor does your son.
All you can do now is accept that and encourage your son to do the same.
His only decision now is what sort of father he's going to be, and yours is what sort of grandmother you're going to be.
Many people in your position manage to make something good from the hand they've been dealt. They bond with their grandchild and the relationship brings them great joy. Its not what you planned but it doesn't mean it's all going to be bad.
The most helpful thing you can do for you and your son is let go of the anger, you can change nothing and nor should you try. To try to coerce a pregnant woman into a termination would be a great wrong and a fools errand that would ruin any chances of anything positive coming from this.

I sort of think condomless sex is abnormal amongst teens who don’t want to risk pregnancy/STIs, or at least it should be. I would hope the use of condoms would be promoted as the default in any relationships where pregnancy would be as unwanted as it would be for, for example, a promising 19-year-old boy.

I’ll be honest and say she sounds like she doesn’t make the best decisions and isn’t very mature. Her mother also sounds.. unhinged..?
however. Pp is correct your sons choice was having sex or not…
he now has to support baby. He doesn’t have to stay in the relationship- frankly, the child’s’ life chances sound like they’d be better if your son was able to pursue a good career / life trajectory and provide well for his child. If staying with his gf means he will ‘give up’ on those things.. well frankly he needs to make the choice that is best for baby and that would honestly be to provide financially and help the child step up to a better life and not repeat the sort of choices that seem to be made on the maternal side..

Telling men to wear a condom isn't really a very realistic plan until we reach the stage where women won't be offended by their partner saying "sorry love, I know you're on the pill but I still can't trust you". Many will see it as 'a trust issue' and hence a red flag.