Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Has your husband ever actually supervised? Because it sounds as if that all falls to you.

No, no chance would I go on this holiday, and I'd be tearing a strip off my husband for putting his children in danger "because he doesn't want to let down family". I'd be pointing out that family are letting everyone down by raising a fucking psychopath, and no means no.

I'd probably be telling the parents of this boy that his behaviour was the reason I and my children would not be holidaying with them ever again. And I wouldn't give a stuff what 'reassurances' they offer, they've shown who they are by never dealing with this behaviour in the past, so you know for a fact they won't deal with it in the future either.

Seriously - he sounds sadistic. Are they going to just wait until he actually seriously injures or kills a child? Madness.

This! Protect your kids fgs.

He is a total liability, who cares what your relatives think in the face of this danger?

No way would I ignore my Children’s plea not to go on holiday with the potential psychopath.

I’d have no qualms letting the family know exactly what he’d done, and why you are not attending.

Your Husband should be supporting you, and protecting his Children and not be another Dickhead, weak assed, pathetic excuse of a Husband. If your Husband won’t stand up for them, you need to. Don’t go!

The parents seem ok with their child hurting other kids, so for OP, a diagnosis of the nephew is irrelevant because the net result is the same - her kids are getting hurt, even when supervised.

I'm wondering if this family has any pets that have mysteriously disappeared?

Has he had any problems at school?

Does he have any siblings or friends - how does he get on with them?

He is very sly - asking your DC to go with him somewhere you can't see them. That is unusual for a 9 year old boy to be that devious.

It sounds like he needs some serious help.

How much supervising does your DH actually do? Does he supervise as closely as you do.

DC don’t want to go with them so don’t go. Tell them you have made plans to go on your own family holiday without them.

Don't go, explain why and keep your children safe. Sorry, your nephew is dangerous. The part about luring the children out of your sight is particularly sinister. I wouldn't want to spend any time with him.

Your husband disagrees with confronting his family because he's a spineless wimp.

Do not go. Tell the family why. Tell your husband he's a coward and you are standing up for your children because he won't.

Deal with the fallout. There will be fallout. A thick skin will be needed. Make sure your husband understands you expect him to have your back.

You really have to ask?

I would never be around that kid and his parents ever again
I think I would be bluntly honest about why
How old are your children?

No, please don’t go: “We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go.”

Your husband needs to be the one to tell his family why and set a boundary. You don’t need a load of denial and toxic fallout flowing your way.

So your DH would rather protect the feelings of his nephew and brother/sister than physically protect his own children? I would be telling him exactly that in no uncertain terms.

You tell him and them that you are protecting the physically safety of your children because none of them are bothered. Don't go on the holiday. If that causes a family rift, so be it! That would probably be a good outcome.

No chance that my children or I would be going in this holiday, or anywhere within a ten mile radius of this child.

DH can go on his own with his family if he really must, but if he doesn't understand why you and the children won't be going then he's a huge fuckwit and I'd be telling him that.

He goes alone. Your children do not go with him because a) they don't want to, and b) he can't be trusted to ensure their safety. He can deal with all explanations to his own family. If that means you fall out with them then so be it.

Ideally, he would be on the same page as you, refuse the holiday and then you could book to go somewhere else as a family. It would be nice if he could pull his head out of his arse and do that, but you probably can't rely on it.

This is a situation where your children are being hurt so you do whatever you need to do. I would make it very clear to everyone that you and your children will not be going on the holiday (or ever being in DN's company again) and you say precisely why. Your DH can make his own choice. This us one of those times when you put the children first.

You need a serious chat with your DH and explain you won't allow the children to go as they've asked not to and they are being bullied (dangerously). It's ok to say 'no' clearly and see how the other person responds.

Is your DH someone you can usually talk to?

Tell your NVDH that if he wants to go on holiday with his family, including little Charlie Manson Jr., he is free to go but since your job is protecting your children from possible harm and they do not want to go or be near Charlie, you are declining the invitation.

Then do not let him sway you, talk you into it, force you into it or any other coersion.

Send a card to the "big birthday" person and enjoy not having to worry about your children's safety for this holiday.

Yeah? And he's supervising is he? Hes physically on guard to protect the kids? Being a 24/7 physical barrier?

Don't wait until you are having this conversation over one of your children's hospital beds.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell them you are not going. Does he even care about them? Bloody hell

I would not be going. It’s not possible to supervise the kids 24/7 and your kids are going to have a crappy time waiting for nephew to attack or say something.

Your h isn’t unreasonable to go but I would not offer my kids up to their bully. I have no doubt they nephew looks forward to seeing your kids (I bet he has trouble at school with his peers) but that’s because unlike school, they are forced to play with him and he’ll be fully aware that there’s no co sequences from the adults there. Chilling that he clearly knows that he’s doing wrong and openly tries to get your kids to run away out of your sight. You owe your kids protection from harm or this will end up being why they’ll end up stranger from family/in therapy as adults.

I’d be clear that you don’t want to go as the lad is a bully and his parents are useless.
As a result you don’t want to pay money to spend a week fretting and supervising the safety of your children. Your DH attitude suggests he isn’t taking it seriously - does he do his share of the supervision?

Either no one goes, DH goes, or perhaps you all can stay at a nearby place and just meet up for meals here and there in a more manageable way (if other family members are attending too).

Your husband's and your first job as a parent is to protect your children. To not take protective action to safeguard them means you are failing them. You know your children are not safe, they have told you they don't feel safe and don't want to go on holiday. To not listen to them is abusive. Your husband's family and their inability to.parent and control their child should not mean your children have to be tortured and suffer. Can't believe him and his family have to have this pointed out. Imagine the stress your children are currently under with an unsupportive father and extended family. This is further abuse being condoned by all.

You need to be very clear with your husband. Under no circumstances are you and your children going on this holiday. Your children, their welfare, safety and even their lives ars under threat. This would be a line in the sand for me. Your husband should be protecting his children. His failure to do so would be raising red flags.
Have you noted these incidents with his nephew? Write them all down. Keep a record.
He nedds help.and quickly. That is not your responsibility. Your's is to protect your children. Do it and take steps now!

• Just to add. Attempting to drown someone or being sneaky enough to try and lure someone away where they can't be seen is a bit more serious than bullying.

Of course you should not go.

If you take your children on that holiday, knowing what you know, then you are letting them down terribly. You'll be letting them know that their safety and happiness is not your priority. They'll know that there's no point them telling you about any dangers or upset, because you won't protect them. Holidays are supposed to be for the enjoyment of all the participants, not something for children to fear and parents to be anxious about.

Your main job as a parent is to keep your children safe, so step up and do your job! Tell your spineless husband that you will not under any circumstances be letting your children go on a holiday where they will be at risk of serious harm - and mean it!

This. What does he mean you can’t let down family. His children are his family and more to the point it’s his actual responsibility to keep them safe not put him in the way of those who actively want to harm them.

His relative is storing up all kinds of trouble by not disciplining their child. Awful people come from situations where they are never given boundaries as much as from abused children IMO.