Teacher and summer holiday childcare

[treetop122]

How do other teacher parents do it?

I am a teacher and therefore I am lucky enough to get the summer holidays off.
I have 3 children… 11, 6 & 3. All three are at home with me all summer and it has always been this way. DH has a ‘normal’ job and usually takes 1 weeks annual leave during this time (at the end of the holidays).

As the years go by I can’t help but feel hard done by with this arrangement. Yes I love my kids. Yes o enjoy the easier days.. but 3 kids for 6 weeks is hard work. I struggle with the thinking about what to do every day. The constant food and providing meals then clear up then a meal again. The kids are fighting a lot, have different needs due to ages. Holiday clubs are not an option as finances are too tight. We are very active though and I get them out every day. This also adds to the demands of packing up lunches/subcream etc…

My husband has come home saying that he is going away for 48 hour trip next weekend and I am annoyed. Now before anyone suggests I do something similar, all my friends are looking after their kids too/juggling work and childcare/ going on family holiday.

Am I right to feel like he should be home at weekends over the holidays helping out with the kids? His argument is I am not working and he is so he needs time off..
I know I certainly don’t get any time off.

How do other teacher parents do it (one one partner is a teacher and the other is not?)

Money is very tight so a weekend away for me, paying for a hotel etc is out of the question unfortunately.
The time he is spending away is a big upfront cost. He pays a monthly fee and will spend a bit on food etc. so probably £60 total.
Things are uneven for sure and have been forever.
I don’t have the funds or the capacity to organise time away really. I will suggest he takes the kids out at the weekend.. but it won’t be for long from past experience. I see all the replies and realise that my relationship is not an equal or considerate one.
I have been default parent for a long time. I cope with this normally but the summer holidays highlight this considerably.

I’m really sorry to read this reply @treetop122and perhaps you should post in relationships as this isn’t just about this summer break. You need to push back before this breaks you. He might just be self-centred and oblivious and need it spelling out how unfair your balance is. Teaching is a very tough role these days and building in respite is essential for your own wellbeing. Not to mention effectively solo parenting 3 DC of that age range taking its toll.

Ok op. This is far bigger than the summer holidays and you are spot on that the summer holidays have highlighted the inequality.

as well as equal disposable time, there should be equal disposable money.

if he has £60 to spend on a weekend away, then you should have £60 too. If there’s only £60 in the pot, then that’s £30 each to spend on yourselves.

it could potentially be financial abuse going on here too.

you have a lot of thinking to do op. I would start stealthily arming yourself with info, start doing the sums of splitting. This isn’t a healthy or equal relationship.

So as is always the case with these , the issue appears to be that your partner is an arsehole.

I think it is reasonable for your dh to have a weekend away. I read some of your issue to be that you’re not doing the same as you say you’ve nobody to do it with. I’m a sociable person so I’d be looking to change that.

I’ve worked TTO since dd was 5 (aside from one year). My dh has taken to odd day off when I’ve gone away with friends for a long weekend but not for a random day for me to have a break. With one child I’ve never felt I’ve needed it. I love having summers off. We often went to stay with my parents for a few weeks of it which I know is very lucky.
now that dd is a teen it’s great as I have days to myself, aside from dropping and picking her up places.

get yourself things in the diary, start a new hobby, meet new friends and start having a life outside of your family.

You don't need to pay a fortune to get away for a day or two OP, you simply need to plan it? Find a little B&B and book a weekend for yourself. If you can't afford it just now? Book it for a weekend during the Oct holidays and save up for it, just like your H does!

And as for your H taking the kids out for a while, you can leave the house when he's out with them, switch off your phone after sending him a text saying you are staying out for the day and you'll be back after bedtime? Then simply enjoy a leisurely walk, a long coffee, a light lunch, a mooch round the town or a park with a book then a lovely supper somewhere?

Yes, he'll be angry to have been left with the kids all day and evening, but it would make him actually realise that having them alone IS bloody exhausting, and you've been doing it for WEEKS/YEARS without ever getting more than a couple of hours 'off' from it!

At the very least, you'll have the opportunity to tell him he's no right to be angry or upset because you forced HIM to do something YOU'VE been doing, with no help from him, for bloody ever! And at least he now knows a LITTLE about how bloody exhausting it is!

The problem with trying to show someone else the exhaustion in this situation is that you can’t. It’s impossible. Unless they also do it solo for 6 weeks. The exhaustion comes from the 24-7-6 weeks on end relentless of it all. It’s actually kinda fun to parent for just an afternoon here and there, and a totally different thing entirely.

Ideally both parents have equal amounts of leisure time whether that is 30min or 5 days.

He is entitled to go away for the weekend but you should be having equal time off- perhaps next summer you can budget for the kids to go to holiday club for a few days to have a break? I know you say they don’t want to go but frankly unless there’s a deeper circumstances I would tell them they’re going! The odd day doing something they find ok not brilliant isn’t the worst thing in the world and you really do need a break.

But yeah, if I were you I think I would be fantasising about divorce and him doing 50/50 or paying maintenance and not being around.

Your husband is a twat. A selfish, inconsiderate twat at that. And from your post saying you couldn't go away for a weekend because of lack of funds (yet he can), or capacity to manage 3 kids on your own (yet he can) then he is also a financially and emotionally abusive twat too.

Obviously relationships are far more complex than that but my question would be - do you want to be in the same position next summer holiday? And if not, what needs to change, and how do you make those changes?

Good luck to you.

@treetop122 does he have a hobby that he regularly attends? You say the weekend cost has largely been covered.

I honestly think you need to have a night away - have you a friend you can visit? He needs to be in charge of all 3 children for a day & night to see that it is quite full on.

I think the age gap is probably making things more challenging. If you had say 7 & 9 yo they would probably both want to do similar things (within reason) but a toddler and a pre teen likely won’t want to do same thing.

DH teaches and covered the summer holidays (three children to look after) apart from one week when we had our family holiday.
Why? Well I took leave on the inset days plus when his and their terms were different. It was almost always me that took time off when they were ill during the school term. Did not have a lot of holiday left - I even worked between Christmas and New Year - and if I did, we went away as a family. I am the main breadwinner and work in a very senior public sector job.

Hi OP,
I'm the same as you. Teacher mum of 3 under 10 with a husband who is at work most of the time. He is taking a week off for our holiday but that's it. I'm exhausted, overstimulated and irritable. I also realise that I'm so lucky to be able to have this amount of time off with my children but it is really really hard too!

I feel the same as you! The actual hours at work are easier than looking after my young kids who are constantly arguing for 6 weeks! I think it's ages. Mine are the same as your youngest 2. At the weekends I need a break and some time to myself.

Would you be ok with your DH going away for a weekend?
sorry to single you out.. but you are in the same situation as me.

Honestly I don’t think it’s wrong for him to take a weekend, but you should take one too. Even if you just spend the day out both days, take some downtime for yourself. Work is hard, parenting is hard, you both deserve a break.

Honestly, I don't think I'd mind. He makes more mess than the kids put together so at least there's that!

I was teacher and I think what a lot of people are underestimating is the exhausting nature of teaching. I have 3 and have resigned and this summer feel very happy to have the summer hols off with my 3 who are all under 6. Yes it’s tiring, but now I’m not working it’s do able (husband works a normal job but does do long hours). If I was also teaching I would absolutely not manage. Pre kids the holidays were how I reset my nervous system from the complete overload and overstimulation (and I say this as someone who truly loved the job). When you then have your own kids there is no way to do this.