Teacher and summer holiday childcare

[treetop122]

How do other teacher parents do it?

I am a teacher and therefore I am lucky enough to get the summer holidays off.
I have 3 children… 11, 6 & 3. All three are at home with me all summer and it has always been this way. DH has a ‘normal’ job and usually takes 1 weeks annual leave during this time (at the end of the holidays).

As the years go by I can’t help but feel hard done by with this arrangement. Yes I love my kids. Yes o enjoy the easier days.. but 3 kids for 6 weeks is hard work. I struggle with the thinking about what to do every day. The constant food and providing meals then clear up then a meal again. The kids are fighting a lot, have different needs due to ages. Holiday clubs are not an option as finances are too tight. We are very active though and I get them out every day. This also adds to the demands of packing up lunches/subcream etc…

My husband has come home saying that he is going away for 48 hour trip next weekend and I am annoyed. Now before anyone suggests I do something similar, all my friends are looking after their kids too/juggling work and childcare/ going on family holiday.

Am I right to feel like he should be home at weekends over the holidays helping out with the kids? His argument is I am not working and he is so he needs time off..
I know I certainly don’t get any time off.

How do other teacher parents do it (one one partner is a teacher and the other is not?)

If the kids don't count as work, he can book a weekend away and take all 3 kids with him while you have a weekend with no kids.
They can't count as work for him and suddenly become no work when it is you. Let him decide if they are work or not but it has to be the same for both of you.

I think that your frustration comes from his lack of involvement, not the parenting you’re doing. His announcing he needs a break is unfair on you; have you suggested this?

book a weekend away in November when things get hectic at work and weather is miserable!

get out in the morning, have a stash of activities - in dishing out a new craft kit a week for example or a new film. The craft can just be cardboard and bits from Asda here!

take advantage of the cheap kids meals around too - there’s a graphic online somewhere with a list - so you are out and not paying a fortune; it’s fine if they eat at Morrisons cafe twice a week, they serve vegetables.

I feel your pain OP. About 3 years ago I absolutely cracked in the summer holidays. I was so resentful of my husband and he genuinely had no idea what life was like. I said I needed some time to myself. He was off one day every week (he did some jobs) but nothing like what I'd get done in the holidays. I sat him down and explained what life was like. I explained I go from other people's kids, to our kids with no rest, no break, and then back to other people's kids.

Give my H his dues, he got it. We agreed to pay for some childcare and I had 3 days to myself. Not loads but it was bliss.

Go away on your own.

My husband is a teacher. I take 2-3 week annual leave from work and we use holiday clubs. Why not?

Would it work better for his week off to be in the middle if the hols?
Also the week after his weekend away book yourself, just you, a night or two in a hotel. Then you get an evening off of bedtimes and a lazy morning with hopefully a nice breakfast. You dont need to be going with friends to have a break lovely and you deserve it too.

Also look at the haf holiday clubs near you, these usually have half days and are cheaper :)

No he doesn't need it. He would like to but surprise having 3 children and a wife you have a responsibility. I am amazed what some men think they have a right to.

i was a sahm, then I worked pt starting at 7am and finishing at midday, exh started at 12.15 and worked until mid evening to avoid childcare costs, we coped fine. They are your children, I don’t get the problem, why have 3 if you can’t spend 6 weeks with them each year

I get it op (not a teacher) but he’s being unfair. So many women I know end yo in a similar position in that they’re either working or looking after their kids while the dad manages to end up with days off at home with no kids to look after.

Not sure what you can do other then raise it with him. This is why I only had 1 child. H made his laziness very clear and I wouldn’t have been able to do my job and do the parenting to more than one kid.

But as a pp said - the kids are either work or they’re not. And if they’re not he can take him with him on his weekend away.

You have two problems here:

1. You need to insist that the older two go to a holiday club even if it's a short one, 10-3. Or the 11 yo (if no SEN) can spend part of a day in town with a friend. It's obviously more fun to be at home watching TV gaming or messaging friends but if you need a break, they need to go. My DS is 14 and does have SEN and has been to a club about 3 days a week for about 4 hours. He gets his gaming time as a reward for trying the new club.
2. If your DH is working in the week you can go away for the weekend. Why does he get to go and why are you saying "no friends or family can take them". He's their dad!

I have been a teacher the whole time I have been a parent. I am grateful to be home. I am grateful I don’t have the juggle that others have. Just for the record.
Rightly or wrongly, the stretch of 6 weeks in front of me with my children largely on my own I eventually find overwhelming. More the constant need for all criteria to be met, like suitable for all children (yes age gap doesn’t help here), able to safely take them all by myself, within a tight budget etc. We live in a rural area, holiday clubs are £40 daily and no half days. Rinse and repeat for 6 weeks then go back to work myself.

My post isn’t really about how demanding or privileged being home for 6 weeks is. My post was questioning whether a weekend off for my husband was seen as acceptable by others in this situation.

I have said this isn’t fair to my husband. He has responded that he is stressed from work and needs to go. I feel like Monday-Friday I am with kids and then need the two days with two parents in the house.

I was asking for perspective. Which I have gotten (I think) from everyone replies. It seemes pretty mixed!

My DC spent the summer in the garden. I would always arrange double play dates so they each had a friend and then pack them off to other people on the same date so I got a few hours peace. One time I told DH he had to take October half term off and he went to a conference instead so I took them to a 4* hotel on my own and paid with his credit card. We had a lovely time.

You'll have to pick some days to do the same.

In terms of you coping with the rest of the holidays - can you team up with some of the friends who have kids?

I think reframing the mindset towards it can be helpful. It’s not a criticism, I often need to take a step a back and look at situations in full. The OP has clarified this in one of her own posts.

I personally see no issue with either parent having a weekend away during the summer but the issue is the relationship dynamic.

The OP could go away alone if their friends etc are busy.

We both work full time. I had one week off and in that week I cooked and cleaned more etc, then the following week when DH was not working he did more.

OP I think your DH having a weekend away isn’t an issue as such but you should also get a break too. Could he take a few days annual leave?

I am a teacher and always did all holidays with the children myself as exh would not do a single thing. (Dc are young adults now.)

On the rare occasion I went out and he was in charge he would leave the children to their own devices around the house and I would come home to chaos. I remember going to the cinema once with a friend and I was hours as it was a long film and he complained about it so it was never worth it.

My dc always found holiday clubs hard and the staff would complain about them so that was not an option. I seem to remember putting one at a time into childcare for a day here and there as I had a flexible nursery up to the age of 6 and that helped.

I did survive and saw it as a perk of being a teacher. I used to think I missed out on the school run etc and wanted to be with the dc. I did have two children not three!

I'm a teacher and I only have one but I hear you. Teaching is totally exhausting and if I don't get a bit of a break, I go back just as tired as when I left. I love my dc to the moon obvs but having three must be a rodeo, no matter how many plans you have/play dates you share. I would put the older two at least in a holiday activity for a week if there was any spare money at all and tbh, even if there wasn't. It isn't 'time off' it's still masking, being patient, never having time to switch off. This is why stay at home mums get 50% in divorces, because they are seen to be contributing to building the family life.

I would lamp my husband with a frying pan if he told me that he was going away for the weekend of his choosing no matter what I said. That is phenomenally rude selfish, even if he does muck in in the evenings.

Him having a break isn't unreasonable as long as he afford you the same. That's when it gets unreasonable.

There's no magic solutions really, you can't change the age gap, you can't afford 120 quid per day. But your H can take a couple of day off for you to do what you want.

Would MIL help when DH is away? Even having the youngest 2 for half a day.

Next year the 12 yo will be able to be left at home so you can do more with the 7&4yo.

I only had one child so not as hard as 3 but I absolutely loved the summer holidays with mine. A weekend away wouldn't bother me as long as it was give and take. My DH occasionally had a weekend away with friends and expected me to hold fort but I equally did the same with my friends so I never thought of that as unfair. I just considered myself lucky to have six weeks away from work and have that wonderful time to spend with my dd seeing friends and grandparents, going to the park, baking playing in the garden and days out together x

Do you think he's seeing you being off all summer as you being 'on holiday', and you're seeing it as a different kind of work? I'm surprised he's not got more annual leave in the summer - I have 2 weeks off and H has 3 spread at the start and end. Could your H take more time off in the summer? Even if that means less at say Easter, because that's a shorter period for you to cover yourself so less daunting. For the record I think working is easier than looking after kids, certainly your ages.

He has been a parent for 11 years and if he hasn’t worked out by now that childcare isn’t exactly the easy option he is either an idiot (unlikely) or he chooses to ignore the reality because it is convenient for him. I wouldn’t say “don’t go” on his trip but he needs to take some time off and look after the three kids by himself for a few days to give you a break. You also need to have a conversation about his shitty attitude.

Im not a teacher but I did a term time only contract for a number of years as a childcare solution as one of our chikdren has asd and there wasnt really another option.

My DH always took 2 weeks across the summer holidays so that we both had a holiday as we were sharing the stuff. he didnt view looking after the kids as 'holiday time' for me. He saw it as chikdcare which was saving us a lot of money.

It meant we did more of the outings together and the other weeks were a bit calmer. He'd also quite often cook dinner after he got back from work if he knew the kids had been a hard day.

We did have lots of fun as well. Sometimes its on you to make the fun a bit easier on yourself though.

Why are your 11 and six-year-old deciding what they do and don’t do? You mentioned earlier that maybe it was something you were or weren’t doing and I think this could be part of your problem. Children of that age need structure and they need rules so if you need a little bit of downtime, even if you still have the three year-old, then they can go to a holiday activity.
I’m not a teacher, but I had my children on my own every holiday and I made the most of that time. We did lots of activities like going to the park or taking a picnic out somewhere but we didn’t have to pay for. Yes, you’re right it is hard work but you should enjoy this time if you can because all too soon it will be gone and they’ll be grown.
Sadly, does seem to me that you have a bit of a DH problem. Mine worked long ridiculous hours when the children were young but when he was at home, it would never have crossed his mind not to be a fully hands-on Dad. He would’ve loved to be more involved in the holidays and would never have gone away for a weekend without checking with me first. That doesn’t mean I have the control; it just means we’re working as a team. Could you suggest that you and your husband sit down to discuss how the physical and the mental load could be better shared? Without that discussion I’m worried you will just become more and more resentful and burn out more quickly. You do need to look after you as much as he needs to look after him.

Yanbu for feeling overwhelmed, I'm in your position but with just two kids. I envy dh's situation, his job carries on as normal but his mornings and evenings get easier as he isn't doing any school drop offs etc and I'm getting dinner on the table.

But you really need to use holiday clubs. Your kids will probably enjoy it. Also do reciprocated drop-off playdates, your 6yo and obviously 11yo are old enough.

I shouldn't complain because my younger one is still at nursery some days. I usually just have one kid at a time. But I'm very much default parent and it's usually very balanced for the rest of the year.

I totally get what you are saying so just messaging in solidarity and to say don’t feel bad about finding it hard/ tiring.

We have 3 kids 5,9,12. I find the holidays more tiring now than I did when the kids were toddlers and babies!! Can’t put my finger on exactly why. I’m older maybe (although only 40), the spread of ages. The older one staying up later so there are no evenings to myself and littlest gets up early. Maybe the contrast as I’m no longer on high alert all time with baby/ toddler so it’s a shock to systems in hols as term time has got slightly easier?! It is a full on day!!

My DH has taken 2 weeks off one near start one towards end and it will be/ was more restful those weeks!

I am grateful I have time with them, that I don’t have the juggle as other parents do etc. However it IS tiring all day everyday day trips/ entertaining etc. Especially when the day job the weeks you’re at work is also full on being with multiple kids. Busman’s holiday maybe 🤣

I think it’s the spread of ages and having 3 that makes it harder. Friends same age, same job with 2 kids similar age to our eldest 2 (9,12) find hols different.

You defo deserve some time off. Can you pop to gym or have a walk solo etc some evenings and leave DH to start/ do bedtimes? Plan half a day off at the weekends every weekend. Even if it’s to do chores in peace while they’re at the park/ Bike ride with DH is a treat 🤣.

Defo get a weekend away or day out booked in to look forward to next time with a friend if you can. I’ve had several 40ths throughout the year so haven’t done one this summer too - but you do need some hours of the week just to be alone I find!!

These are precious years and one day the kids won’t want to be with us all hol. Doesn’t make it easy!