Teacher and summer holiday childcare

[treetop122]

How do other teacher parents do it?

I am a teacher and therefore I am lucky enough to get the summer holidays off.
I have 3 children… 11, 6 & 3. All three are at home with me all summer and it has always been this way. DH has a ‘normal’ job and usually takes 1 weeks annual leave during this time (at the end of the holidays).

As the years go by I can’t help but feel hard done by with this arrangement. Yes I love my kids. Yes o enjoy the easier days.. but 3 kids for 6 weeks is hard work. I struggle with the thinking about what to do every day. The constant food and providing meals then clear up then a meal again. The kids are fighting a lot, have different needs due to ages. Holiday clubs are not an option as finances are too tight. We are very active though and I get them out every day. This also adds to the demands of packing up lunches/subcream etc…

My husband has come home saying that he is going away for 48 hour trip next weekend and I am annoyed. Now before anyone suggests I do something similar, all my friends are looking after their kids too/juggling work and childcare/ going on family holiday.

Am I right to feel like he should be home at weekends over the holidays helping out with the kids? His argument is I am not working and he is so he needs time off..
I know I certainly don’t get any time off.

How do other teacher parents do it (one one partner is a teacher and the other is not?)

Am I right to feel like he should be home at weekends over the holidays helping out with the kids? His argument is I am not working and he is so he needs time off..
Yes he should spend weekends when his family in general. However no parent needs to spend literally every second of their non working time with parents. One weekend doing something with friends is absolutely fine in a normal supportive relationship.

I know I certainly don’t get any time off.
Thats a totally different problem.
I’m a sahm and even my DH takes annual leave to give me free time.

Teacher-parent is a busman's holiday, isn't it?! Teacher here, my DH and I argue about holidays a lot! I do all holiday childcare, clubs are out of reach at £45 a day per child. My youngest isn't quite school age but I have both children off in the summer. Most recent argument with DH was that he should get to lay-in during the week in the holidays because I'm around to get up with the kids every day (he WFH and starts work when it suits him, term time he lays in every day and I get up to do the mad school/nursery run morning chaos). I said I will remember to take my lay-ins then when he takes AL (which he always uses for himself and never for childcare). I suggested a compromise 2 lay ins each and the 5th day we both get up together alas no, this was not fair apparently.

I make sure to do as little as possible around the house during the summer because it feels the right level of petty, I'm on leave and already doing childcare I'm not a housekeeper and his cook too.

I make sure to claim time for myself at weekends to match his. He announces he's off to the gym or play golf, I announce I'm off to the shops or allotment or whatever. He picks really inconvenient times, I see and raise him inconvenient times.

And the kids are watching waaaay more TV than they ever normally do - so I don't have to actively parent in that moment and can sit with a magazine a coffee and my feet in the paddling pool for a bit of peace. We've been having lazy mornings and active afternoons and it feels ok.

Essentially I have no answer for you.

I hear you OP. When I had one child, I loved having the holidays off with her, it was a real perk. Now I have 2 (one who is a toddler) it is such hard work. far, far harder work than teaching all term IMO, and worlds away from my new non-teaching job (which is still largely term time only).

No idea where these £10-15 per day holiday clubs are. My daughter’s drama class offers one, it’s £350 for 5 days (and you have to do all 5 days). Most people round here are delighted that one of the ones in a school takes 4 year olds as it means the summer before reception they can put their kids in there instead of nursery and it’s a huge saving at £40 per day instead of £95 for nursery. There used to be one which was about £30 a day but that closed down. £15 is less than after school club for 3 hours!

Wow I’d be furious if my husband announced he was off on a holiday without discussion during the summer holidays!!
So he can afford a break away, but you can’t as a family afford for the kids to go to a holiday club for a few days to give you a break? It’s unfair and I’d be telling him that you expect time off as well. sounds like he’s selfish, does he have form for lumping everything on you?

Yes I think it’s fair that he goes on a weekend away… if you do the same. Most summers my husband will take the kids camping once or twice so I get a couple nights alone in our house which is lovely. Maybe he can take the kids away somewhere?

I think your situation is trickier than many - 3 kids with a big age gap is inherently hard. Living rurally, allowing them to refuse camps (like many, my kids wouldn’t have chosen it either but they didn’t have a choice), having no nursery over the summer… these are all choices that made it harder.

I think he should definitely take a few days off to give you a break at some point (assuming he has the leave as you said he takes off other school holidays). But otherwise I think you should find ways to make this easier - let the meals get simpler, set up some reciprocal play dates so the kids are busy, look around for some activity camps that aren’t full days even if you have to drive a bit… there are ways to make it a bit easier.

I have a few friends who are teachers and parents and yes - they are with the kids over the summer. I’m sure it’s not always the most relaxing but I can’t help being a bit jealous. We spent a lot of the summers the kids were little juggling childcare and forcing them into camps they didn’t love and it did make me a bit sad at the time. Now they’re 13/10 and we work hybrid so it’s much, much easier thankfully.

So the following week book a spa day for yourself or just a day to yourself where he has the kids all weekend by himself as he obviously thinks its a holiday to do it alone and it will be easy. Or a few days in a travel lodge by yourself with a book and some bubble bath if you want a cheaper option. Just get away and leave him to it for 2 days "because you need the break" see if he changes his tune.

I'm not a teacher but have friends who are with DH/Ps who have 'normal' jobs' They do a combination of holiday clubs (and bear the cost), sport clubs (which are cheaper), share childcare with friends, visit family and expect their DH/Ps to take some annual leave too.

How old are you? As I headed towards 40 I had less ability to carry on as I had in the past. I needed more breaks from my own children in the holidays. Your reaction indicates you need “time off.”

I have some chronic health issues, had kids when older and went into peri pretty much instantly after the second at 41. The only way I could cope from a medical pov and a sanity pov was to book a couple of holiday club days each week. (That may be partly as teaching in send is sometimes so stressful too)

But I’ve also always had to work in the holidays- I genuinely don’t know how teachers these days don’t! Ive always told the children I’m working - sometimes I’ve had to physically go into work to sort the spaces out (this is changing as it’s a send school and the school is looking at ways that staff don’t need to do this as much). But also in the last decade we had to write endless re writes of bloody curriculum documents (apparently according to the union we shouldn’t have done this but found out a decade too late.)

It does mean that my children (and husband!) understand I have to work in the holidays, just like other parents. I understand that the 3 yr old can’t yet but that will change over the next year.

It also sounds like he doesn’t have any experience of what it’s like to look after the children on his own for a chunk of time. The only way to re set this is to find a hobby of your own (eg day long hike?) or go away for a weekend yourself.

I went away by myself when the youngest was 4 and the eldest was 9. I didn’t really enjoy it but I had to make a point. And since then have tried to go away more here and there. My Dh goes away with friends over the weekend quite a lot. He’s happy for me to go away but it didn’t occur to him that it was more challenging for me from a financial pov but also fatigue wise.

There must be someone you could go and see for a weekend? And do your own day trips on your own if you don’t want to interfere with their plans too much.

Also re clubs - both mine got to an age and stage where they liked going to clubs which we found the right ones. Finding out if friends will be there helps. Also one that’s going to provide what you can’t - there’s one near here that is a farm (the woman running it is an ex teacher) and others are forest schools.

At age 13 / 14 the clubs stop and they don’t need to go. My eldest is meeting up with friends locally a lot more so it does feel less full on.

I also use childcare vouchers / tax free funding for holiday clubs.

In that case, I’m not understanding why he can have a weekend away but you can’t?

you started with ‘you can’t have a weekend away because the kids have clubs’ now we’ve moved to ‘it’s doable’

so isn’t that the obvious answer? He goes away for a weekend, so you go away for a weekend?

and to your other question, yes, I do think parenting non-stop children of those ages is harder than paid work.

OP you are completely right to highlight this as an issue. You need to sit down with DH and talk it through. Working full time is tiring but entertaining 3 DC of a range of ages for a full summer break is exhausting.

DH having a weekend away is not unreasonable but he seems oblivious to how demanding your summer is and should have discussed the timing of this with you. You should also have equitable breaks. Be that a different weekend away or he takes a couple of days leave for you to do it during the week.

I understand how hard it is getting weekend booked in with a friend when all your friends have young DC (this drove me mad for years as my DH encouraged me to have time away but it was hard to find a friend who wasn’t stuck with default childcare like you). Personally I happily take solo trips for R&R but also, with such big age gaps of your DC have you considered taking a trip with your 11 yo, that would be a break/change and allow you to do an activity that wouldn’t be suitable for the younger 2. Divide and conquer at weekends can be so helpful when their ages and stages are so different - again this needs DH take turns with the older /younger ones but not having both is easier.

Ultimately your DH needs to step up. Best case scenario, he’s not a teacher and he’s just a bit oblivious to it all. You need to pick a time to sit down and jointly look at annual leave. It’s fair that as a teacher you have more overall leave so will take on more school holiday childcare - but also it’s fair to work out how many of his overall annual leave days are used family vs for just him and allocate the same number of personal days that he takes to you. Ditto the number of weekends away. If the number he is taking is so high that it’s not possible to make this work with childcare costs or him covering your days then the balance clearly has to be addressed in future years. Or you will burn out/end up divorced and he’ll have a whole lot more
challenges/cost to organise his own holiday cover.

you are not being at all unreasonable here - and not all men are like this. I hope it’s thoughtlessness rather than true selfishness.

But also, even if you couldn’t get your kids to their weekend club - it’s not that important that you can’t miss one weekend. You having a break is about a billion times more important.

Drama club is going to be more expensive than football club (hate to say it but it's a class thing and they charge what people will pay). My dd thankfully loves football and that's 40 for a full day, 25 for a half day, and there was an early bird discount too, not bad for London.

I seriously recommend half days at a sporty club, they come back worn out and with a sense of achievement. Much easier to then fill a few hours before dinner, bath and bed.

Final thought. If £80 for a day for the 2 older kids to have fun and stimulation at a summer day camp is out of budget, where is the money for his weekend away coming from? There’s a budget for his summer activities ahead of his kids? Or are you indicating that kids activities come from your money rather than shared?

I’m 100% on “your side”. I’m not a teacher parent, however have teacher friends and I know term times run you ragged.

In my opinion your dh attitude stinks.

A good approach would be for him to try to understand FIRST how draining you find it to manage three kids of different ages, all day every day. And then to ASK how you might feel if he had a weekend away, and what could he do in the run up to take the load off you so you would have the energy to do not just give straight days alone, but TWELVE.

He is massively taking you for granted.

You know what? I’d let the housework slip. I wouldn’t have his bloody pants ironed and a meal on the table.

I’d start saying “we ate early as we had a busy day. I’m watching a movie with the kids as I’m exhausted. If you are hungry there is a chicken breast in the fridge you could cook along with some french fries in the airfryer - but then you’d have the faff of cleaning the airfryer afterwards. I suppose you could just make beans on toast - that would be a good plan as then you’d be done quickly and you could do bath and bedtime. I’m going out for a walk to get some fresh air once this movie finishes as I need some space because the kids have been full on today. Oh and since I’ll have the kids and all the housework for twelve days straight all by myself when by you’re away, the following weekend I’m going to disappear - not sure what yet but just assume you’ve got the kids all weekend. Thanks honey.”

Then you go out - you don’t have to walk, just go and sit in the park and read, or

You have to push back.

@treetop122 Who is he going away with? And why is it so last minute?

I think you should go away for a weekend on your own. If you can afford for your DH to go away, you can afford for you to do the same. If you don't want to go by yourself, take your 11 year old and do some stuff that you both enjoy without having the younger two in tow.

Also, I’d teach the older kids to do more in the house.

It sounds like you’re running a fantastic holiday club of your own plus being the cook and cleaner with no pay or time off.

You teach the husband to do more by going away and dropping the ball.

Teacher here and I did the same until school age. Almost had a breakdown. Now rely on holiday clubs and suck up the cost. Not £40 per child per day though I must admit. I also insist on one week away together where I delegate most of the prep to him. Right in the middle helps break it up.

I would say he could go away but I’d also make sure I get a weekend away too. Go alone! You can get a budget hotel for not much and the break will do you good and reduce the resentment. Read a book, have a bath, drink wine! Don’t let him leave everything to you!

So go away for a weekend on your own?????

Long lie ins. Walk along the sea front. Coffee with a book. Browsing the shops.

Sound idyllic to me!

I am not a teacher, but I work term time only. Part of the reason I took a job with flexibility is to save money so we can save money over the holidays, and so I can spend time with my children.
Yes, your DH is being unreasonable to just announce it to you, but you should do the same. You might not have any friends to go with, but you could go alone, or spend time with family. Some time alone might be very good for you.
If your DH is not pulling his weight, then you need to talk it through with him. You chose to have three children and you have big age gaps, so it is going to be tough for a while.

I wouldn’t be able to do a weekend

this sentence is quite telling op.

you are - rightly - upset that your husband sees you as the default parent and doesn’t appreciate what you do.

yet - you do it too with this sentence/thought.

if your husband can go away for a weekend leaving one parent solo, then you can go away for a weekend leaving the other parent solo.

a few people have suggested equal leisure time/you having a weekend - but you haven’t really responded.

I also had breast cancer three years ago.

I’d already been dropping the ball so at least dh could step up more and be able to actually do that. But he had to do it a lot more. Part of my fuller recovery has been being fit and well enough to go away on my own.

Please don’t let it get to a full burn out stage.

The other query I have is how is he able to afford to go away for a weekend but you can’t pay for at least one day a week holiday clubs?

The amount he’s paid to go away should be being given to you to either book them in for holiday clubs or for you to also go away for a weekend.

Some private nurseries that offer wrap around school care are also extending to holiday clubs and they can be both affordable and more play based. They can also take 3 yr olds in my experience. Certainly 4 yr olds.

“You are upset your husband sees you as the default parent”

DH treats me as the default weird smell problem solver and that gives me the rage now I am in the thick of tail end medical menopause.

I don’t mind being the default for a lot of things but some things take the mick.

I don’t understand why you can’t just take a weekend off yourself and go away somewhere? It doesn’t have to be with friends, go and stay in a hotel somewhere and enjoy a few days peace.

I take my kids away on my own camping or a caravan. Little breaks away have novelty and new things to do, sometimes my parents come or we visit them. It's still mainly on me but that is part of why I have remained in teaching, because I don't need to find childcare.