Son not included in friends playdate

[Lmi1982]

So it's the summer holidays and my son has not got anyone to play with.. I am feeling abit upset as the family over the road who if I'm honest ive not been that keen on but always tried to remain friendly and chatted to when we cross paths has a daughter the same age as my son.

Yesterday she had a group of friends over from school to play, me and my son saw them arrive there was a mixture of boys and girls going to her house and my son was asking me why he cant he play with them as he kept waving at them arriving and even the parents who were dropping off there children were waving back at my son.

I felt bad and explained that we've not been invited.. later that day the dreaded ice cream van turned up outside their house and all the kids ran out to get one.. my son wanted to get one too so i took him over.. all the kids seemed pleased to see my son as they are all friends at school but then the dad said to me that my sons very welcome to stay for 5 or 10 minutes while he eats his ice cream.. so I was pretty enraged at turned to him and said 'that's okay we wouldn't want to ruin anything" and had to explain to my son that we were not invited in front of him... i felt bad.. one of the other parents we knew from the school was there and she looked at us bit shocked on how I think my son was treated ... my son is never been a trouble maker he's had good reports from school he's a little bit shy and has issues with low confidence... and just felt that experience did him no favours. It sort of felt we were looked down on and my feelings of anger are still high.
Plus we only live in a small village and he attends a very small school so that kind of adds to feeling more left out..
Am I just overacting I mean what are the other parents thinking or what is he even telling them.

Is the daughter friends with your son? We have a boy in my DD’s year a few doors down, they aren’t friends although they have school mates in common. We don’t invite each other to playdates like this and if we bumped into each other at the ice cream van I’d think the dad was being nice to say pop in for ten mins? Unless I’ve misunderstood your kids’ relationship here…

Surely you would just ask your son who he’d like round for a playdate when he was sad about it all and try to arrange?

Oh no …
your son was given an in …
and you BLEW it !!!!

you need to go on a charm offensive -
as it’s your son who will miss out due to your sour grapes 🍇

Totally understandable how you felt on your sons behalf and the painful feeling of exclusion for him.
But to have explained to him in front of others that he wasn’t invited was really quite unkind to your son.

I understand why you did it but from your son’s perspective it would’ve been even more hurtful to him. And he is the one that matters. It is very strange that the father said he can stay for five or 10 minutes I mean WTF - that’s quite strange.
It’s down to you now to turn this around for your son

He wasn't really excluded though was he?

A neighbour's daughter had some friends over.

How ridiculously entitl3d and silly you have been. Your precious ds is not entitled to an invite to every party. Instead of encoraging him to wave mournfully at the window, id have distracted him or taken him to the nearby park for a while. Instead you encouraged it then went up to the icecream van that had been invited by the other dc's dad. Utterly foolish thing to do. Well youve shown yourself upnow, you can kiss goodbye to anyinvites and set your ds up to be the butt of many jokes for yrs to come in your, 'small village', as the boy with the crazy mother. Unbelievable!

Agreed, having witnessed this kind of behaviour from another mum, her child rarely got invited to anything. I know it sucks! Don’t worry he will find his close group of friends, make sure you invite them over and they hopefully will reciprocate. If they don’t then remember not to blow up as it won’t help.

It’s really hard seeing your child left out . We’ve all experienced and it’s so hurtful. You haven’t come back to the thread yet or confirmed whether or not you host regular play dates for your DS. If you don’t then you can’t really complain he’s been left out. Is he very shy in that he maybe would have felt overwhelmed in a large group? Start being proactive and invite a friend over a couple of times a week in the holidays and hopefully the invites will be reciprocated.

So does your son normally play with the girl across the road?

I wouldn’t of let him sit at the window watching them go in.
i also wouldn’t have said he wasn’t invited in front of everyone, so when you say that situation wouldnt have done him no favours I think your comment has done him no favours.

its really hard being left out, I get it, but we have to help them then make passive aggressive comments in front of them and everyone else.

The other parent stared at you in shock because she was gobsmacked by what you said. Not at all about the fact your son wasn't invited. By the looks of it, he won't be invited to many things from now on. Poor kid

I'm constantly surprised at how big a deal parents make out of this stuff. You set the tone for how your kid perceived these moments. Nobody is obliged to play with your son. What we should expect from other children is that they are always polite and civil about things, and not a dick when not inviting or playing with a particular child. I think you've had a bit of an overreaction to this tbh, you need to learn to let this stuff wash over you.

Are you an incomer to the area OP?

I have lived in a few areas and find that in small villages you have to put yourself out there more than you would in an area like a commuter belt town where there are lots of newbies. If they have known of the other parents their entire lives they will of course form a group and host each other's children for play dates. I have found that in these sorts of areas you have to make the first move, but you were offered a way in and instead of letting your son go off with his friends you took him home in a huff!! I'm not really sure how you are going to fix this for him tbh.

I would have taken your ds out if i was you as soon as i saw the children arriving. To the park. Swimming. Out for a walk and lunch. Just anything to distract both him and you.

Hi yes my son and this guy's daughter are friends I often let them play together on the front lawn.. however I'm very wary of him going over there on his own as my son has comes back saying why does her mum hate me and also me the dad too.. I've often had to grit my teeth over other comments made from his daughter over the time. In the early days I was even told I needed to report her dad to the school over something quite concerning a couple of years ago but didnt want to rock any boat or cause upset which has made that sort of unease between us.. His wife is a alcoholic and some of her language and behaviour in front of her daughter I've witnessed has been disturbing.

This people are allowed to do things without everyone involved, if my child asked they would be told not everyone gets invited to everything it is perfectly normal

Don't put your issues on to your child

So why would you want your son around them anyway?

You’ve said it yourself OP. You don’t want your son going over there, you don’t like the family, they don’t make him feel welcome, you think the mum has a drinking problem, are gritting your teeth at the daughter and think the Dad has in the past done something worthy of a safeguarding report.

Firstly, I doubt it has escaped their attention how much you dislike them, they see through your attempts to be friendly so why would they invite him. Secondly, why would even want him to be invited given all of that. Thirdly, he was actually invited to stay for ice cream and you said no and made a scene about it which is probably what the other parent was shocked about, not the fact that he had been left out.

Your best bet would be to initiate some playdates with different kids and forget about this family.

This is a very strange thread.

Isn’t is just…. It’s gone from “my sons not invited” to some having some serious CP issues in the space of a few hours.

In the early days I was even told I needed to report her dad to the school over something quite concerning

Told by whom?

Why didn't they report it themselves?

Why on Earth would you want your child going there, then?

You hate them and think their behaviour is concerning and harmful, but you also want your small child to go there and play? Really? Christ.

You should be glad your son wasn't invited, then. I wouldn't want my child playing in a house with a mother that hates my kid and is an alcoholic, a father with concerning and reportable behaviour, and a bratty kid with a big mouth.

Then it’s good your son is not invited to there house. Be grateful and move on ask other kids to your house then he might get invited to others. It is heartbreaking watching your dc not being invited or welcome but if you have concerns about the family stay away no point mixing with people you don’t know or like. I’m sure it will get easier for your ds.

You dont like the family call the mother an alcoholic, know something dodgy about the Dad and dont like the child so why do you want your child invited to a play date? After you embarrassed yourself by an icecream van I doubt he will ever get an invitation. You really are going to make your son a social outcast. Invite the children he likes to your house and give them a good time. Instead of encouraging your child to feel sad and leftout, you should encourage him to accept life's challenges.

Saying he could stay for 5-10 mins is mean. Then what, you drag him away again?

why couldn’t he stay for the remainder of the play date?

Your son and the girl are friends of convenience as they live close. You don't like the family. Your son wasn't invited to what you are assuming was a group playdate at her house. It could have been a birthday party. Playdates and parties at home are generally restricted in numbers due to size of the home. Unless there's a massive dripfeed that your son and the girl are inseparable, best buddies, your son invites her to absolutely everyrhing then you are being massively unreasonable and you handled it poorly. The other parents shocked faces were likely at your poor manners.
The family had a bunch of kids and their parents over and saw your son was pleased to see the kids so offered him to stay for a short while (2 extra people in the space - 1 an excited child and the other a mum with a face on her) and you took the huff and made a situation out of it.
You could have graciously accepted and explained to your son he could only stay for a short while because you had to get back for <insert favourite fun activity you had come up with so your son wasn't disappointed>.
I mean you could have done that in the first place rather than trooping across the road to hang out at the ice cream van and watch all the kids arrive.
You are entitled expecting your child to be invited and you haven't modelled good behaviour to him or how to handle disappointments well.
Please do reflect on that and what you would do differently next tine rather than on slagging off this family.