Nearly 12-year-old wants to attend Pride and we have said no

[EdgyAzureBee]

My nearly 12 DD recently came out as bisexual and wants to go to a pride event. DP (who’s her father) and I both think she’s too young, don’t want her exposed to gender ideology and we said she can’t go. She’s now v angry with us even thou I explained to her why we said no and told her that we always love her. Just trying to do what we think the best thing is for her. She has a class mate she made friends with who is a ‘they’ and she became v interested in this whole thing. I totally didn’t expect her to come out with this so young.
DP and I both have been to pride before (him due to work me socially) and neither of us thinks she should go although DP thinks it’s more like a fayre but I know they sell sexual stuff that I’d not want an 11 y.o. see. She is not happy we said no and keeps pestering us.
My friends agree with our decision, what are your opinions here? I’m new to this so please be kind

No, I wouldn't take my 12 year old to a festival of adult sexuality be it gay, bi or otherwise. I would reassure that I still love and accept them for who they are, and offer to pay for train tickets to go when they are 16.

I agree with PP, it really depends on the one near you. It might be worth researching and bringing her to one that is family friendly. I don't agree with taking her to something highly sexualised. If a child that age came out as straight you wouldn't bring them somewhere with women in g strings gyrating at men or men dancing topless in a highly sexualised way so it shouldn't be any different for other sexualities. I don't know why some elements of the queer community don't get that general public decency doesn't apply to them, they will be their own worst enemies and lose support..but i digress. I think in this circumstances you made the right choice but I do think you should support her in another way. It might just be a silly fad but if this is her truly coming out to you, you need to show her that your support her.

Could you compromise by seeing if there are any youth LGB events or groups you could take her to, so she knows you are supportive of her identity, but being firm with her that you've been to Pride before and you know it's not appropriate for children? I have also been to Pride... there's Pride and then there's Pride. I think some of the people saying "just take her" have probably been to the "glittery rainbow fayre with pop music and happy people" type of Pride, rather than the "almost naked people in leather kink gear simulating sex acts while pretending to be dogs" type of Pride. It sounds like your one has a touch of the latter, and I wouldn't take a teenager of any age there...

Oh also, some people are acting like Pride is a central part of LGB identities, but there are lots of LGB people who avoid Pride because they think it's too commercialised and/or sexualised.

Ones that celebrate love - like pride . Just to be clear I’m not advocating for op to take the child to the parts of pride that are about sex , there are pleanty of parts specifically designed to be child friendly and speak about celebrating love

I am very happy for people to live their sexual lives as they wish as long as they harm no-one else, but I find the strident approach of the Pride organisers wholly unnecessary.

Love who you choose; but don't make a massive show of it. Just be yourself and get on with life.

You can be proud of who you are without making such a meal of it.

Isn’t Pride in July? In any case, if you make a thing out of this it will continue. Just say ‘sure’ and casually go. I have been to many Pride events and if there is sex stuff it’s not usually a thing you stumble across by accident…e.g. going to the public facing events will be fine.

You’re coming across like you don’t accept the idea of her being bisexual.

What was inappropriate?

I went to Pride in Brighton this week - we watched the parade, there was nothing inappropriate that I saw (there was one set of men in leather, but they were "covered")

Personally I felt it was an event about love and understanding and acceptance, and not about sex

We didnt go to any evening / party events - just watched the parade

Really? She'd already know about sex toys at 11??! I truly must have forgotten what it's like to be that age.
My 13 year old DS just gained a vague idea of what a dildo is (after it was mentioned in a comedy movie we were watching) - is he doing his childhood all wrong?

I think pride is very much changed recently. The pride festival by me basically looked like some kind of fetish party with lots of men in bikinis and thongs. I don’t think pride is the open-minded community spirit of tolerance that it used to be.

I would be worried about allowing my 12 year-old to go as well given how it has changed so much. Would you be willing to go with her?

And it's absolutely developmentally normal for adolescents to align themselves with trendy ideas that are going around their peer group.

It's kind of weird that we insist that if the trendy idea is something about sex, that we should fully trust their judgement and take them to adult street parties that we're not comfortable with.

Note: some trendy ideas have staying power! Deal with it later. "That's nice dear" isn't a repudiation, it's just saying that the signal the kid is sending right now is a particularly weak data point and you're not going to anchor the kid's identity on it yet.

Yes I mean what sex as in gender. Not what type of sex acts I liked?! Obviously.

But if I was into both sexes I wouldn't expect someone to disbelieve me.

I think you've made the right decision for the right reasons. You sound like decent parents and I hope your daughter continues to thrive under your care.

This comment is so dismissive. What you are saying, doesn’t match your actions.
Even huge Pride events like Brighton and London are fine for kids. You just pick where you go and go earlier in the day…. It’s not that hard, but you are making it hard. If you really want her to feel seen and heard, show it. I went to stage school weekly with no talent… and my parents still took me even though they must have prayed for earplugs.

Why did you ask our opinion?

Loads of kids and families go to pride. You are being very prudish. Go during the family bits. She will find way more ideology online. You bring against even being gay and going to pride is going to make her definitely not trust you when you try to stear her from harmful gender ideology / stereotypes. You aren't changing your mind and you think you are right so why are you posting this thread?

If she said she was straight, i bet you wouldn't be questioning that or wanting to 'revisit' in a year.

She's tried to open up to you and you've shut her down.

You sound bigoted actually. HTH.

🤣

You said you didn't take it seriously when they said similar things as preteens, that you knew they were "just copying friends." That's not neutral, that's dismissing it before you even knew which way it would go. And the fact you jump so quickly to an imagined extreme like litter trays tells me a fair bit about how that dismissal would have actually played out, that litter tray thing isn't even a real scenario btw, it's a myth that gets repeated a lot, but that you reached for it says something. Nobody here is arguing for anything like that, so I doubt it would have been a calm "that's nice dear," which wouldn't be great either, but would have been a lot less damaging than what your own words suggest.
If they'd have ended up bi or gay, that response would have told them loud and clear that their feelings weren't real or worth listening to until they fit the outcome you were expecting.
You got lucky that your kids turned out straight so it never came back to bite you. you just didn't have to see the harm because it didn't apply to them.

@Notreadytomakenice
Unless you had to perform alongside men in leather jock straps and sing about your budding sexuality, there is no link whatsoever between a stage school and a pride event!

I think part of her knows that she’s being bigoted and dismissing her daughter but she wanted proof and support otherwise

In my area, pride is a parade followed by parties in bars. If yours is similar why not walk down to the parade with her and then go home? She wouldn’t be allowed into the “party” side of it anyway, and there’s nothing lurid or sexual about the floats and groups in the parade itself. Various local groups normal join - walking bands, dancing troupes, local businesses etc.

It's actually irrelevant really what it is that she wants. As responsible parents you get to decide what is or is not appropriate for your 11 year old to go to. Of course you can discuss with her and your reasons why.

She's also too young to be certain she's bisexual. Adolescence is a time of change, exploring, learning. Responsible parents try and guide their children thru that as best they can.

You’re coming across like you don’t accept the idea of her being bisexual.

She's 12 - she does not yet know what she might be sexually in the future. Most children of that age feel attracted to different people at different times. It is a period of transition.

She needs to hear that she does not need a label; she just needs to be a decent kind person and that such decisions are for the future.