DD12 lies and hides things every time she's asked to do anything

[drspouse]

Whenever DD is asked to put away clothes she hides them - in one of the many cupboards we have e.g. where I keep my out of season clothes, under her bed, in the attic, many places, too many to search.
She has form for this with every task she's asked to do yes I've done it but she's walked out the room with something she's supposed to put away and she leaves it on the floor.
She's doing it at school as well, her first instinct seems to be to lie rather than actually do the job.
Screen time is a privilege not a right but she doesn't seem to care if she gets it, and usually lies about having done her jobs around the house. We can watch her if she's hoovering etc but we can't search every cupboard every time she has clothes to put away!
Full story here is that she's 12, she has done this ever since she worked out how to lie, she's been diagnosed with ADHD and we're on a waiting list for medication.

Ooh great, where's this specialist then? Do you get them at the capacity store that I can't find either?

Do you think this is a joke? You have adopted a human being with neurodivergence and you haven’t the foggiest clue what you’re doing with her. Disgusting attitude

I think it's a joke when people come on threads about parenting neurodivergent children and tell them to find "a specialist". Like there is one on every corner and we just haven't thought of that.

You obviously will need to stop being so lazy and do some research? Go to your GP and see if they have a recommendation, look online for psychologists, therapists etc who can help. It’s really worrying you’ve been allowed to adopt, it seems like you have no clue what to do with her and think ‘lack of capacity’ is a good enough excuse to let down a child with extra needs

OP, I'm ND- not diagnosed until adulthood- and I can remember doing this sort of thing as a child. You're right, the hiding and lying is actually a great deal more effort than it would be to simply put things away and I can remember my mum getting as frustrated with me as you are with her, but it makes no difference because it's not deliberate naughtiness. I would have dearly loved to have been organised and neat and to have done my homework- I really really cared about it all, absolutely longed to be the sort of girl who could do all that- and yet I simply couldn't do it. It's very hard to explain as obviously to one's rational mind it doesn't make much sense- clearly it's not a difficult in itself to tidy up and put things away and schoolwork was always easy for me when I actually did it. The closest thing I can compare it to is that feeling you get sometimes in dream where you know you have to do something important but you're somehow prevented from starting by something completely pointless.

Nobody had a clue about ADHD when I was young so I just got in trouble a lot and felt shit and ashamed and it made no difference. Eventually I worked out my own strategies for making things work but I think what would have worked at the time would have been more hands-on support, doing things together with my mum, maybe sitting at the table together to do homework and talking it through together. One clear system to know what I was supposed to be doing (eg a whiteboard or simple calendar)- not reward charts. Really back to basics.

I know this would be a lot of work for you but it really is worth a try. Do all you can to try to learn a bit more about it. Try not to get angry and frustrated- my suspicion is that this is might be what's underlying the lying, because she doesn't want to make you angry, she wants to have done the thing you asked her to do but she just can't start. If she DGAF she wouldn't bother lying.

if she has ADHD you are being unreasonable not to support her as she develops executive function. her ability to the tasks you are asking is not in line with her age.
you need to break down the tasks, you need to do to side by side with her, rather than sending her to room alone to achieve this.

This! My DD (19, ADHD) did few chores beyond tidying her room/making her own lunch etc whilst at school - she’s now at Uni and perfectly capable of doing her laundry, organising her work and social life, and in fact is currently doing a summer job where she has responsibility looking after others and making sure they are safe (think PGL adventure type holiday that involves water sports etc). I wouldn’t have dreamed of making her do her own laundry at 12, but she leant to do it in a couple of minutes once at uni (it’s not exactly rocket science!) All in good time.

@pikkumyy77that is such a thoughtful post and the recommendations are really good.

@BangBangBangBangBangi too was diagnosed in adulthood and that pretty much summarises my experience. I wanted to succeed like my Dads, I just couldn’t do it. We have done a lot of body doubling with our DC.

I will just share in case it's useful to anyone else (a couple of these are SE London specific).

Capa First Response (national, online)
New Leaf NVR (online)
The Owl Centre (online) - put in our postcode and found a localish play therapist
Power the Fight (charity, SE London)
Football Beyond Borders (not sure if they're national or just London)

*DFs

This is a mental health thing for certain, but i'm less sure it is a feature of ADHD, my half brother has this and has been on medication since he was in his teens, but never did anything like this.
The first instinct being to lie is more common than it sounds, but you need to get to the bottom of why she is doing this, i very much doubt ADHD medication will sort it.

My daughter needs for everything to be a game or challenge. I have to race her to put the laundry away or put shoes on. I have to challenge her to toothbrushing competition. If its not competitive then she doesnt even hear me.

PDA is anxiety based so whether you 'believe" in it or not (until I actually had a child with those distinctive behaviour patterns, not sure I would have), strangles that reduce anxiety are helpful.

Making things a game or challenge as well explained by pp.
Doing things the same every time.
Putting them in charge of decisions where they don't matter that much.
Being flexible.
Letting the small stuff go.
Non directive language.

DH is irritating over laundry so I just pile his clean stuff up in the spare room in a basket. Once in a while he does actually put it away! I put DD's away because it annoys and inconveniences ME if she's got no school.jumper or whatever.

That's my main rule actually with both of them.

How much will this inconvenience ME if not done?!

Absolutely spot on
she’s an anxious, scared, overwhelmed little girl
avoiding anger and judgement for getting things wrong
ADHD children hide things “as a subconscious coping mechanism to manage executive dysfunction, avoid shame, and escape negative feedback”

how do you not know this ?

Strategies! Not strangles!

As someone who was a lot like your daughter at 12, I found your posts really hard to read. I imagine my mother would have made the same comments expressing her views that I was lazy and disappointing and perfectly capable if only I applied myself.

I did desperately try, but I can so empathise with her lying to avoid your displeasure and probably also as a rebellion against your approach.

My mother also wouldn’t have accepted that she was in any way at fault or not doing enough, and would have doubled down.

To save yourself and your child a lot of heartache, I urge you to try to meet her where she is. Take some things off her plate. She will see how well cared for other children are. She will see the support with hygiene and organisation, and whether she expresses it or not, she will remark on the difference between her experience and theirs.

Please try to see that even if she seems naughty and defiant and a liar, she is probably struggling and would benefit from the extra help.

OP, BlueDeer is starting to sound like they're winding you up. You're right, there are no readily available 'specialists' who come out of the woodwork when a diagnosis is made. I found this totally underwhelming when DC was diagnosed -we were in crisis and professionals and clinicians abounded (thankfully), but nobody with an actual specialism in autism. I imagine it's similar for ADHD. We picked our way through, but really, there is very little specialised support.

Well you say that but she’s not lying to deceive, she’s doing it for safety. I was exactly the same, I was on edge all the time as a child. Nowadays I’m almost the opposite, I’m too honest and will declare my inadequacies before anyone even asks which is equally dysfunctional in many ways. That’s because I spent a long time being absolutely hauled over the coals for things like where I put my knickers and I still feel like a piece of shit human because of all that.

not saying OP or any other parent is wrong to not enjoy being lied to, but it’s driven by shame because she knows it’s a simple task and she’s ashamed about not having done it. She won’t be enjoying feeling like she has to lie and being caught out, it’s crap. Also kids don’t have the confidence to say ‘I fucked I’m and need some help’, not straight away. They don’t come pre loaded with that kind of self awareness.

I hope that didn’t come across as accusatory or too defensive, I am probably projecting a bit because it’s been one of those defining things that’s set me back but my mum was doing her best the only was she knew how I think (fyi, also ADHD, also adopted).

I would say that nowadays I’ve developed strategies myself to get things done. I try and force myself to get too much done sometimes, but at least I’m a functional human being so there is hope!

Have you talked to an adoption specialist about her developmental trauma?