Asking a mum of a problematic classmate to react

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

My DC is finishing Year 1 this year. There is a child in his class who has ongoing behavioural issues. He struggles to sit still and tends to hit other children.
The class teacher mentioned this during parents' evening, and my DC has also told me several times that this child hits his classmates.
From what I understand, the teacher usually removes him from the group until he has calmed down. As he had never been aggressive towards my child, I hadn't thought too much about it.
At the school picnic last weekend, however, I saw the child punch several classmates in the face—I'm not talking about pushing or rough play, but full-on karate-style punches. One child was knocked to the ground, and several others started shouting and crying because they were frightened. Another mum and I went to find the boy's mother to let her know what was happening.
She was sitting about 10 yards away on a blanket, scrolling on her phone and paying no attention to her son. When we told her what had happened, she dismissed it and even suggested that the children who had been hit had provoked him.
What surprised me even more was the reaction of the other parents. The parents of the children who had been hit didn't seem particularly concerned and instead suggested that the other mum and I were overreacting. Three other parents told me they had also seen the boy punching children in the face but didn't want to get involved because it wasn't their own child.

It left me wondering whether I had misjudged the situation.
Our intention wasn't to criticise her or tell her how to parent. We simply wanted to make her aware of what was happening and to encourage her to intervene, as we felt that this level of aggression shouldn't be ignored. We were concerned that, without appropriate intervention, the behaviour could become more entrenched as he gets older.

Was it unreasonable for another mum and me to speak to the boy's mother and ask her to intervene?

Sorry - hit ‘no’ but meant ‘yes’ you 100% did the right thing - if this was a school event - tell the head teacher

This happened to me last week - a boy who is a known biter went and completely attached himself to a girls chest with his teeth - girl was screaming but the boys mum and the girls dad barely reacted. Her friend even tried to pull him off and she was told by her mother ‘don’t intervene’ (!!) Honestly makes me wonder what goes on in the classroom.

@GlosGirl82 Just choose the other option to change your vote

Don’t know what to say op. Only posting for solidarity 👊🏻 and I think you did the right thing. Some people are just dicks. And some of those dicks just happen to also be parents, bringing up the next generation of dicks.

I remember a child at nursery who was a full-on puncher sending other kids to the ground like skittles. He was a proper demon too and used to even scare me a bit. I was terrified of him being around my little girl. I watched him the whole time and whichever end of the room he was in, I made sure we were in the opposite. His mother was an ineffectual wet wipe who would do the whole ‘he’s just tired’ thing (he didn’t look bloody tired as he swung his fists around).

Turns out, he’s actually grown into a good lad and did quite well at school. I think maybe school gave him the routine and discipline he badly needed.

We have the same situation, but a girl who is adopted and clearly struggles with large groups and finds them overwhelming. We've noticed that her parents don't bring her to parties anymore but send her with her grandma - who literally sits on her phone and ignores everyone as said girl takes a run at people and punches them or bites them. I had to say something when at our daughter's party we had four children crying within 10 minutes of the party starting (including my son). Her grandma's response was to say "oh. Come on now xxx, don't be naughty". And that was it. So didn't change the behaviour but I felt I'd done the best I could in the situation to highlight it to the child's caregiver.

The other parents probably don’t care because they’ve already decided they won’t be allowing any socialisation opportunities with the child (ie birthday parties / playdates) so it doesn’t bother them.

I would have spoken to a member of staff instead. Didn't any teachers or assistants see this happen?

I’m think the issue is more about what goes on at home…

Honestly I would be kicking up a right stink and trying to get that boy removed from the school.

I would make it as problematic as possible for them to keep him.

No worries.
This was happening outside school on Saturday.
I’d like to let the school know about his aggression, but not sure how to approach it.

Funnily enough, on the contrary. Boy's mum sent a party invite on Sunday and all of the apologetic parents confirmed attendance.

I agree. The teacher is known as strict and I don't think he can do more.

A good point. DC says he tends to hit other classmates, but I was dismissive about it as I was't sure whether that was true, until I witnessed it myself.

The boy I'm talking about is turning 6 soon. Would school be able to sort him out even if the
parents don't care?

I got my eyes opened when my DC started school - behaviour that I would not have tolerated from my DC barely registered with the parents of kids who were behaving like little shits. They were usually the ones who behaved like older shits as teenagers. Thankfully I'm well past all that now, it's a minefield.

You were absolutely right to challenge it - but wrong sadly to expect every parent to deal with it properly.

You did the right thing and well done for trying to stand up for the poor kids being hit.

Sadly some parents are just lazy/don’t care when it comes to managing poor behaviour and some seem to care more about their social status/school mum group dynamics than their child’s wellbeing.

At least you know which parents to swerve in future.

I’d certainly drop the school an email documenting the incident, but don’t expect a detailed reply and if it’s a year group with multiple classes see if you can get your kid into a different class next year.

I think you did the right thing @WittyOrca . Some parents see parties/get togethers as an excuse to completely check out and it really winds me up.

I took my son to a party at the weekend, they're all 6 and there was 10 of them at a soft play. One lad who my son is friends with came with his dad. The dad was in the corner, on his phone, the entire time.

This boy is actually a nice kid (I've seen him hug my son after a fall and stand up for a girl who was being pushed by another boy before), but he's 6 and very hyper with basically has no sense of when he's going too far.

The birthday girls mum had to tell him twice to stop jumping off a ledge before the staff came over (they were looking over) and I had to stop him throwing balls in kids faces. I also had to help him at the buffet, as he was obviously struggling and his dad was completely ignoring everything.

I really wish people would just parent their own kids.

The problem is there's more and more parents like her. And then their kids have more and more kids, so it's not going to get any better. Someone could get seriously injured from this. If the mother is neglectful, she shouldn't have kids. If a dog attacked a kid, and the owner was just on their phone and blaming the kid, we would surely report that neglectful owner to the police and hopefully get them banned from having a dog. No one is perfect-if someone had just looked away from a dangerous child for a moment, but then took things seriously, maybe the kid wouldn't be at risk of killing someone. People have been left with serious injuries even from young children, never mind when this one gets bigger.

One child was knocked to the ground, and several others started shouting and crying because they were frightened.

If one of those children had hit their head on something as they fell, it could've been really serious. I think you did the right thing @WittyOrca.

I'm worried about what the boy could
develop into in the future, which affects the neighbourhood as well. The mum is in her mid-20s and has never been employed. She said she'd like to avoid it - to keep getting benefits and council housing, I assume, as her husband is employed. They have one more kid. I don't want to trash those receiving benefits, as individual circumstances differ and the current economy isn't great.
Still, I do have concerns that she's a stereotypical low-ambition parent who doesn't bother to set up an example for her kids. Thus, I think it's even more important for the boy to get the boundaries set by the society around him.

You did the right thing.

There was a similar boy in my sons year, it really didn't get better through the whole of primary school. He wasn't invited to ANY parties after nursery. Thankfully only twice has my two kids in his year been at the receiving end. The last time I really lost my shit at the mother, she cried, I was honestly past giving a fuck and told her so. They're off to high school so will see how he gets on there. Scottish schools have absolutely NO power now for wee shits like this.

Sorry hit no by mistake! Of course you did the right thing

Yes, talk of “big feelings” and “expressing them in their own way”