Asking a mum of a problematic classmate to react

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

My DC is finishing Year 1 this year. There is a child in his class who has ongoing behavioural issues. He struggles to sit still and tends to hit other children.
The class teacher mentioned this during parents' evening, and my DC has also told me several times that this child hits his classmates.
From what I understand, the teacher usually removes him from the group until he has calmed down. As he had never been aggressive towards my child, I hadn't thought too much about it.
At the school picnic last weekend, however, I saw the child punch several classmates in the face—I'm not talking about pushing or rough play, but full-on karate-style punches. One child was knocked to the ground, and several others started shouting and crying because they were frightened. Another mum and I went to find the boy's mother to let her know what was happening.
She was sitting about 10 yards away on a blanket, scrolling on her phone and paying no attention to her son. When we told her what had happened, she dismissed it and even suggested that the children who had been hit had provoked him.
What surprised me even more was the reaction of the other parents. The parents of the children who had been hit didn't seem particularly concerned and instead suggested that the other mum and I were overreacting. Three other parents told me they had also seen the boy punching children in the face but didn't want to get involved because it wasn't their own child.

It left me wondering whether I had misjudged the situation.
Our intention wasn't to criticise her or tell her how to parent. We simply wanted to make her aware of what was happening and to encourage her to intervene, as we felt that this level of aggression shouldn't be ignored. We were concerned that, without appropriate intervention, the behaviour could become more entrenched as he gets older.

Was it unreasonable for another mum and me to speak to the boy's mother and ask her to intervene?

It’s quite telling that the apologetic parents have confirmed attendance at the party. They either see something you don’t see or know something you don’t know.

That’s not a dig BTW, but if there are other things possibly going on - ND suspicions, etc then they’re cutting some slack.

It adds to my confusion.
I didn't mention this in my original post, but I brought up the possibility of neurodivergence with the boy's mum to avoid making assumptions in case he had been diagnosed and I simply wasn't aware. She reacted quite angrily, saying that he is "a perfectly healthy boy," that he sometimes gets overtired, and that he only tends to hit other children if they provoke him.
Some of the parents who attended agreed that the boy's mum should be setting firmer boundaries and that his behaviour, particularly kicking classmates, was unacceptable. Despite saying that, they still chose to attend the party.
I had not been asking parents individually whether they attended - the boy's mum posted a thank you message in the class WhatsApp group, tagging everyone who came.
That left me even more baffled. What I'm really trying to understand is the behaviour of the parents—particularly the two who witnessed the kicking, criticised the mother's handling of it, yet still decided to attend the party.

My son was diagnosed with autism at age 6. If nervous breakdowns exist, I had one. The shock and horror and grief of it all were utterly overwhelming. It took me years to wrap my head around it. He’s an adult now and I am still incredibly protective over him - and this woman may well be in the very early stages of investigation and coming to terms with it all - if indeed it’s a ND issue and it certainly sounds that way.

If anyone had suggested to me at that point that there was “something wrong/different” I’d have ripped them a new one. Until you’re in the trenches of it all you’ve no idea of the stress. And it sounds like the other parents can see that.

And OP when you see absolutely appalling comments like this, it’s such a heart sink. How fucking disgusting and arrogant and entitled and bullying. I was going to report the post but I haven’t because it just shows the attitude towards kids who are different. And if anyone ever voiced such an opinion in my physical presence they’d regret it.

I would accept that you can't control other's behaviour only your own, and that no teacher with the best will in the world will be able to counteract a lack of good parenting.

I think that your wanting "somebody to do something" about this child's behaviour is well intentioned, but there is a whiff here of saving him from himself, and judgement of the mother. Which probably isn't helping your cause with the other parents.

If he hits yours? Then that's another story and you deal with it directly, removing your child from his orbit if out of school, speaking with the teacher if inside school.

If the child does have a behavioural problem (I should note that I never explicitly told his mother that her son had a problem or described him as problematic), could her behaviour—such as sitting further away and disengaging by scrolling on her phone—be interpreted as a form of psychological self-defense?
I am trying to distinguish between two issues: on the one hand, the appropriate and expected parental intervention when a child is clearly behaving aggressively; and on the other hand, the possibility that a parent may ignore or distance themselves from the situation as a way of protecting their own emotional well-being when their child is ND.
My concern is that I do not want to cause the mother psychological distress. However, if I refrain from intervening, the child may miss the opportunity to have appropriate boundaries established by anyone, which could ultimately reinforce or exacerbate the problematic behaviour.

I typed a long reply and then deleted it.

You’re overthinking this, it isn’t your business and you need to leave it alone. Why the parent appears to tune out isn’t anything to do with you, at all. It might be self defence, it might be she’s got a dead cert tenner on the 3:30 at Kempton Park. Nothing to do with you.
As for “missed opportunities” seriously back off. She might be tuning YOU out.

And you actually said you “brought up the possibility of neurodivergence.” Why would she want to disclose anything to you? You plainly don’t like her and your posts are increasingly judgemental and frankly odd.

It’s nothing to do with you though. Why are you so invested? Let the parents and the school deal with any issues. You say it was a school picnic where you got involved, you should have told a teacher. Not gone wading in yourself.

Shouldn't we generally be mindful that neurodivergence (ND) is a possibility when discussing situations like this? At the same time, if a child is visibly aggressive towards several other children, and I'm aware that ND may be a factor, it's still reasonable for me to be concerned about the potential risk to my own child.
I don't think I should have to wait until my DC is actually hit before taking that concern seriously.
Should I simply brush the behaviour off because ND might be involved, or is it reasonable to acknowledge both the possibility of ND and the need to protect my own child?
My thoughts about his future development are my own, and I raised them within the context of this discussion.
I would have reacted in the same way regardless of my views about the child's or the parent's potential, their socioeconomic status, or anything else for that matter.

You can be quietly mindful. And of course, protect your child. Beyond that, keep your beak out.

I don’t think this thread has gone the way you hoped. Did you think you’d get lots of “learning opportunities” and piling in on this parent who you’ve suggested just doesn’t care? I’m guessing your child is a singleton. And not ND. You however sound a bit fixated and without compassion.

Imagine how any parent would feel if they’re constantly given feedback that their child’s behaviour is unacceptable. Do you think this is news to them and they’ll Thankyou for your considered opinion? Or that they’re stressed and worried sick, and knackered, and then have to deal with a knicker-ironing busybody who is amazed anyone would want to see her son socially? Guess.

I find the topic interesting, and MN is giving me a platform to discuss it. It seems that people have different views, and I'd like to understand their perspectives. In much the same way, you seem to be interested in my post.

Try chatting to AI.

HTH

You misunderstand me. I’m not asking why you’ve started a post on MN about it. I don’t care that you find the topic interesting, you can chat all day about it on here for all I care.

I’m asking why you’ve started felt the need to get so involved with the kid and his mum when the actual incident was nothing to do with you.

Because she is BETTER than the other parent. Clearly.

Having this sort of attitude towards someone because of their age and/or employment status is very unkind and judgmental. You would do well to reflect on how you view others.

Punching in the face? Of course you are 100% right.

The actual problem here seems to be the mother.

The school needs to take further action.
And the other parents ignoring this are plain stupid!
No way I am letting anyone punch my child in the face!

( I had it with my DD and a boy she was good friends with. It was punching on the stomach. And I thought it was playful, but apparently it hurt, so needed to be addressed. I was not present, so I misjudged that one. The parents of the little boy were on it, though. This woman needs a serious talk, from the school, ASAP)

That isn’t what’s happened. The OPs child hasn’t been hurt, the other parents are taking a different view. But the thrust of this thread is:

”There is a problematic boy in my child’s year. Do you think this is because his mother is poor, or negligent?”

Obviously no one should tolerate a child punching other children in the face, hard and deliberately. Clearly parents should be watching their child(ren) and responding to poor behaviour. Whether the behaviour is caused by lack of boundaries, or difficulties due to additional needs/SEN shouldn't affect that response. It needed intervention of some sort.

It is odd that none of the other parents cared about the children being punched and seem happy to ignore it in order to attend parties and so on.

But, you cannot control everyone in this scenario and neither can you parent this other child or force his parents to act how you want them to. What you do is focus on your child, and any others you are responsible for in that moment. You can intervene and redirect the boy, if necessary to protect the other children. If that doesn't work then you can remove your child(ren) from the situation and avoid any future situations where you interact with this boy.

At school, you can focus on your child, and any issues you and your child encounter with this boy. School can't "sort him out" if there is no support at home. What they can do is enforce their boundaries at school and follow through with their behaviour policy as necessary. Where that ends up for this child is not your business.

So, you are telling me that if you witness a child, any child, being punched in the face, in the meantime that is not your child, you are going to ignore it?
Really? Like the other parents (who are possibly downplaying it because they have not seen it, but if it is a punch in the face, then.... come on! It is serious!)...

Well, I think that is rather shitty, whether poor or rich or whatever.

Removed to where?

Yeah of course this kind of behaviour needs addressing. There is boy in one of my children's class who is similar and until year 2 most people got a bit annoyed but let it go. In year 2 it escalated and people stopped inviting him to things as his mum doesn't address it. Interestingly if his dad is around, he behaves better and his dad is great at dealing with it.

That being said - I wonder if you think you are a bit above the parents of this child. Just a reminder that, yes perhaps they should be doing more, but you don't know what else is going on (and it isn't your business). By all means get involved if your child is affected, but it's not for you to solve.

If the punching/fighting was still ongoing I would 100% intervene between the two kids to make sure nobody was unsafe. I would then tell a teacher at a school event. If it had been a single punch which was now finished I would find the nearest teacher and tell them.

No it was not unreasonable for you and an other mother…
However, you’ve worded the post in a way that might invalidate your responses. Good luck!