Asking a mum of a problematic classmate to react

[WittyOrca]

Hi all,

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

My DC is finishing Year 1 this year. There is a child in his class who has ongoing behavioural issues. He struggles to sit still and tends to hit other children.
The class teacher mentioned this during parents' evening, and my DC has also told me several times that this child hits his classmates.
From what I understand, the teacher usually removes him from the group until he has calmed down. As he had never been aggressive towards my child, I hadn't thought too much about it.
At the school picnic last weekend, however, I saw the child punch several classmates in the face—I'm not talking about pushing or rough play, but full-on karate-style punches. One child was knocked to the ground, and several others started shouting and crying because they were frightened. Another mum and I went to find the boy's mother to let her know what was happening.
She was sitting about 10 yards away on a blanket, scrolling on her phone and paying no attention to her son. When we told her what had happened, she dismissed it and even suggested that the children who had been hit had provoked him.
What surprised me even more was the reaction of the other parents. The parents of the children who had been hit didn't seem particularly concerned and instead suggested that the other mum and I were overreacting. Three other parents told me they had also seen the boy punching children in the face but didn't want to get involved because it wasn't their own child.

It left me wondering whether I had misjudged the situation.
Our intention wasn't to criticise her or tell her how to parent. We simply wanted to make her aware of what was happening and to encourage her to intervene, as we felt that this level of aggression shouldn't be ignored. We were concerned that, without appropriate intervention, the behaviour could become more entrenched as he gets older.

Was it unreasonable for another mum and me to speak to the boy's mother and ask her to intervene?

No. Of course not. But the OP didn’t see her child get thumped and yet is ruminating on the cause, and has even approached the (work shy shower of shit) mother to ask if the child is neurodivergent. Talk about overstepping!

The fact that he was punching several other children in the face alarmed me. I wanted to make his mother aware of what was happening, and I expected that she would either remove him from the situation or explain to him that punching other children in the face is not acceptable.

I'm not sure what you mean by "it hasn't happened." Several children were punched in the face. Please read the original post before responding.

It hasn’t happened to your child.

Please also read before responding. Who else’s child would I be talking about?

Well it’s not up to you however much you want to. And anyway she will know. What I think you actually want to do is to put her right.

Don’t.

Honestly best advice I’ve seen on here about kids this age is NEVER go to the other parent directly. Go to the school/teacher. Not only does it take you out any potential firing line but if the school needs to be aware of a picture picture then this is helpful. Otherwise you just come across like a total busybody especially when your child wasn’t involved.

And as for suggesting he might have ADHD or similar that’s totally unnecessary. I assume you’re not a qualified child psychologist who’s assessed this child? such comments are going to get any parents back up.

At some point your kid is probably going to act like a little toerag (they all do). Put yourself in their shoes. How would you like it if a random person came marching up making wild diagnosis ?

Honestly? I think you should mind your own business. This level of scrutiny of a stranger isn't helping anyone, sweep your own side of the street.

Ok, but the picnic was not on school premises. It was a weekend getaway for parents and kids to celebrate the end of the school year. I can see that several parents have also suggested informing the teacher or a headteacher. Is that a valid move given that it wasn't at school?

ND-wise, I didn't suggest to her that her child has ADHD. That might have been misread from the fact that ND was mentioned in my earlier post. I literally told her, 'If your child has ND, though, I'm unaware of it, and in that case my advice to intervene might not be appropriate'

Given that it didn’t involve your child and wasn’t at a school function or on school premises then no, it’s not appropriate to tell the school about it. In general, stick to what the school needs to know about your child and any interactions with this boy, if there any.

It is inappropriate of you to intervene IN ANY CASE!

Well I said what I said about informing a teacher because you called it a “school picnic”. So it wasn’t a school picnic at all! 🤷‍♀️. Obviously if it’s not a school picnic you can’t inform a teacher.

However the point stands that your child wasn’t involved, the parents of the kids involved don’t seem bothered so not sure why you’re getting involved. Making a comment of “if he’s ND” implies you think he might be and is rude.

I think that's a slippery slope @Mostlywilliow.

If I see a woman/man being in punched in the face on the street, should I walk by? Especially if no one else is doing anything about it. Of course, in that instance you'd call the police, but with a child, you'd inform the parent.

A deliberate punch in the face is an assault and can have serious consequences if the victim falls and hits their head. I don't think anyone in good conscience can ignore that. Perhaps the other parents didn't realize that he was properly punching their children, not play fighting.

I don't think that @WittyOrca had any choice except to say something to his Mum tbh, his behaviour was dangerous.

Why it would be inappropriate to intervene if you see a child punching another child in the face? Surely common sense would dictate the first thing to do is alert the nearby parent who is responsible for the child in question. If my kid punched another kid and I was nearby I would absolutely want someone to tell me ASAP so I could deal with it - why should I get to sit on my picnic blanket while the teachers have to deal with it while also trying to run an event?

@Cakeface11 Exactly! At 5, he won't realize how dangerous it could be, so an adult (his Mum) needs to intervene. Otherwise, he'll carry on with the behaviour and another time, a child will end up with a black eye/nosebleed/concussion from hitting their head, etc.

So its ok for the other children to be scared and hit, kicked, punched, bitten, knocked over. You are a disgrace. And part of the problem. Of course this shouldn't be tolerated, and of course any parent in their right mind would leave no stone unturned to get this to cease. If no one is dealing with it then the bottom line is you push and push until they do.
The absolute legal priority for ALL concerned and a statutory duty for the headteacher and governors is keeping the children safe. I am 59 and I can still remember the trauma of the fucking bitch who bullied me every day when I was 7. Someone allowed that to happen. Were you happy and carefree when you were in the infants? I wasn't and I cant go back for a do-over and enjoy it second time round. Every single child deserves to be free from being scared of violence and if this parent has to push and push to get that they'll be doing better by the little thug than his own parents currently are.

The school needs to know. We are talling of punching in the face.
It does not matter that the child was not in school at the time.
Report it to the school.

Whether neurodivergence is or is not a factor is for his parents and the school to know and work out. People may share, if they wish - many don’t want to or feel embarrassed or just don’t know yet!

However, and still regardless of neurodivergence, the parent should not be ignoring their child and should be parenting ie helping their child regulate and keeping others safe.

I brought up the possibility of neurodivergence with the boy's mum

Ouch.

You are ridiculously invested in this. Going over to tell her that her son was hitting people was fair enough. But thinking and overthinking everything about her and her child is at a whole unreasonable level. Believing that somehow your community needs to bring him up is slightly mad.

It's none of your business.

Edited because I re-read and the children were crying.

It wasn't a school picnic. It was a group of parents on a weekend away with their children. Why did you feel you needed to appoint yourself as Sherriff?

In this situation, you protect your own child and don't go on holiday with them again. Let the parent and the school deal with the behaviour as they see fit, this isn't your situation to fix.

Reading between the lines I doubt you'll be invited to the next one, so you shouldn't have to worry.

To be honest, I also think that parents who fail to react to aggressive behaviour are part of a wider societal problem. It's selective aggression at the age of five today; it could be knife crime or robbery tomorrow.
Although most children who exhibit aggressive behaviour do not go on to commit serious violent crimes, research shows that persistent, unaddressed aggression in early childhood can be a risk factor for later behavioural problems. A child's development is influenced by many factors, including parenting, school, peers, the wider community, mental health, and access to support.
Consistent parental responses—setting clear boundaries, teaching empathy, and addressing harmful behaviour rather than ignoring it—are associated with better outcomes.
Looking at the responses now, I think I did the right thing. I will write an email to the headteacher to inform them about the issue and to have written evidence that I raised my concerns, in case the boy hits my child at school and causes an injury.

I do appreciate that my wording was potentially misleading and needs clarification. It was a class picnic held outside of school, organised by the parents' committee. No teachers were involved, so it was an informal event, although we, as parents, referred to it as the "school picnic."
I reacted—or, as you put it, "appointed myself as a sheriff"—for the reasons I mentioned in my previous response.

Surely voting ‘no’ means you think OP is not being unreasonable and did the right thing?

I just had another thought about this. I think I mentioned ND to the mum as a disclaimer, in case I wasn't aware that it was a factor in this situation.
However, as another parent pointed out in an earlier post, I also don't think that ND is an excuse for distancing yourself from your child's potential to cause injury to others.
In fact, I know parents of ND children who can sometimes behave aggressively, such as hitting their parents or siblings. Those parents have always been open about the challenges, so the rest of us are aware of them. When their children were younger, they also made sure to stay close by at parties and outings so they could intervene if necessary. To me, that is an example of responsible parenting—acknowledging the risks while supporting and supervising your child, rather than pretending the issue doesn't exist.

I didn't mention this in my original post, but I brought up the possibility of neurodivergence with the boy's mum to avoid making assumptions in case he had been diagnosed and I simply wasn't aware. She reacted quite angrily

Of course she reacted angrily.
That was completely out of line OP!!
I see no problem with you bringing her child’s behaviour to her attention, but stop there, please.
I can’t actually believe someone would say this to a parent.
I have a child with autism for what it’s worth.

Okay, I do acknowledge that my wording on that point was potentially inappropriate. However, I still maintain that it is not an excuse for allowing your child to cause injuries to others, nor for blaming other children for triggering your child's behaviour.
Every child deserves understanding and support, including neurodivergent children. At the same time, parents have a responsibility to recognise when their child's behaviour poses a risk to others and to take reasonable steps to supervise and intervene when necessary. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
I have now received a good number of responses and votes, which have given me a better understanding of how people initially interpreted the events. I appreciate the different perspectives, even where people (respectfully) disagreed with me.
As I mentioned, I will email the school to inform them of the incident and ensure my concerns are documented.