How do parents balance work, six children and keeping on top?

[boymum06xo]

Hello,

I am all brand new around here, a friend of mine recommended I posted and wrote down my thoughts/feelings hoping it will relieve some of the pressure and feelings of overwhelm.

I am a mum of six beautiful, amazing and clever boys aged 11, 9, 6, 5, 4 & 2 years old, I have a wonderful partner who is incredibly helpful, loving, supportive and a wonderful father, I genuinely couldn't ask for better.
I work 4 days a week and my partner works 6 days a week, he works long hours so is only really at home in the evenings and his 1 day off a week.

How do people, keep a clean/tidy house, work, raise children, maintain some sort of a social life, keep on top of endless washing, and look slightly less homeless than the day before, I cant remember the last time I had my nails or anything like that done, plus cooking, food shopping, kids after school clubs, i see people so well put together, nice hair etc and they seem to be so effortless, I feel like I'm drowning.

I absolutely love my life and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed that I have what I do, but it just feels like something has to give- sounds silly but things in the house that I don't get chance to clean, like skirting boards, walls, under the sofa, it really gets to me.

Does anyone have any tips? schedules? advice? wine to give!!!???
And if I could have a clean house, food shop done, cleaned car, clean self all in one day that would be amazing!!

Thanks for reading.
xx

days out and holidays change a bit when you have 4+ for example we take picnics, we explore, walks, museums, lots of chill.

what is your idea of a day out and costs?

we do splash out on holidays and travel and we can afford to. We ski, we go abroad, we travel. I book the whole row on a plane, a whole minibus, you get the idea. But these are non essential things and our choice. No child was neglected by missing out on these things.

as for uni - they are adults. are you paying for everything? Do they have jobs? How are you financially educating them? I think you’re spoiling them. We can afford to assist them (and private school too) but we won’t entirely. They are adults at that point and must be involved the financial planning of their own lives. Ours have savings they get at 18. We will support. But they must work out what is best for them financially as much as anything else.

so I ask you, for your 3 what it that you deem they absolutely must have from you? Alton towers or they are clearly neglected? Fully funded uni?

@namechangedforthis67 The reality is you ARE very wealthy. That's fact. You have to be to afford private school for 4 kids and skiing holidays! And to give each child a generous savings pot!
You said originally your kids had no days out but that's not quite right from what you are now saying.
My ex-husband pays for the uni fees - he's also loaded. But no private school fees (I'm anti private school) or skiing holidays.
I really don't think from the sounds of what our kids have mine are the "spoilt" ones tbh?
My daughter is only 6 so not worried too much about uni fees and driving lessons yet. But only having one between us my husband and I we will manage.

@Cheeseandolivespleaseits about needs and wants and no one can bash the OP for a lack of days out or funding uni. Those are not essentials. What is essential is the OPs mental health.

@namechangedforthis67 But this is why most people make the financial choice not to have six kids. Because it's not affordable and ultimately they probably (understandably) miss out? For example, we can afford to take my little girl on a summer holiday. We wouldn't be able to if we had six.
And kindly, you come from a place of affluence where you can afford these luxuries and to outsource.

@Cheeseandolivespleaseyou would rather the kid missed out on existence than they missed out on uni and a sunny holiday?

MN is very high and mighty about affordability. The truth is people have different values and attitudes and there is not a black and white on affordability.

I think this conversation is very interesting. I also suspect the Op is long gone & I feel badly for her.

Re what a child “needs”.

It’s not that a child who doesn’t get certain things is neglected, but it’s just not much fun.

What kid wants to be the kid that never does a lot of things their peers are doing. One of my kids would absolutely hate that. Yes, it’s my job as his parent to set boundaries & expectations. So he can’t go on ski holiday fine, but I’m not going to tell him we can’t go on holidays at all while his friends take 3-4 a year and expect him to just understand. I think that’s asking too much of a kid.

I get your point definitely. DH grew up in poverty and my parents were a bit better off but there was a tight budget. DH had no holidays at all. We had camping holidays. Neither of us are traumatised. I think we as parents worry more than we need to about this stuff. For some parents it’s a stick to beat themselves with.

I take your point, especially as my own memories of holidays with my parents are either vague especially pre 12 ish, or memories of fighting with my mother as a silly teen who wanted to be left alone!

But I do distinctly remember never having been on a plane until I was 12, and despite not wanting to be the child who hadn’t been on a plane. And we were v middle class, we’d just always taken the ferry & yet still I needed that experience to be like my friends.

And I want to have experiences with my kids for me too.

Yes I agree, I spend a silly amount on family holidays not for the kids but for me - that’s a want not a need. The kids don’t have a psychological need for nice holidays or to have everything their friends have. I think it’s a big problem if they think they do have a need for that! There must be something about learning resilience and flexibility there. And not turning into a keeping up with the Jones, permanently dissatisfied adult…

I'm one of two and we always went to the same boring beach on holiday.

We aren't rich, we've worked out way up from being on the bones of our backside, but we've taken our collection of kids around Australia, to NZ, around Europe. No, we really aren't rich, but we got a couple of very lucky opportunities to do this that we grabbed with both hands. That's luck more than anything. Even if we'd had to stay local, my kids would have got better holidays than me.

I don't recall even being aware of what holidays the kids in my class took. Maybe they were as boring as mine?

What my kids are rich in is relationships. I feel I really missed out not having extended family. They have each other which is more than I ever had or will have.

No, certainly not everything their friends have. But that’s wildly different to almost nothing their friends have. I don’t want my kid to be the only 11 year old who has never been on holidays. I’m fine with saying so what if your friend has a bigger house, or nicer car, or ski trip or whatever.

And one of my kids simply loves travelling. He also loves history & science etc & he’s dying to go to Rome. And I love being able to experience his love for that.

Our 4 kids have been on some really amazing holidays - not everyone's cup of tea but they absolutely work for us. We also live in a 7 bedroomed house. The area we live in is really cheap and many people have a good level of disposable income. When my eldest was 11 she was one of 7 children in her class of 30 who had 3 or more siblings. In some areas it's really quite ordinary to have 3, 4 or 5 children, and that is before you get into large blended families. It is still very normal to be married by 25 round by me. Mumsnet is quite a bubble sometimes.

I’m one of two and we don’t get on. But we both have tons of friends. And I’m hugely close to my mum.

And because I only have two I have a lot of metal space go give to each of them.

My BF is one of 7, and while it’s lovely to see her family photos etc I can’t say I’ve ever really felt like I’ve missed out on something. Our family gatherings are much quieter but since me & DS had kids ourselves there’s now 9 of us at family events.

My mum is one of 8 and they have all kind of family drama with people at various points not speaking.

There are pros & cons to everything. My own view is with big families there comes a tipping point at which you can’t give each child enough attention. And that point depends on factors like age gaps, family support, working hours etc

And I do think there is a minimum amount of of attention a child needs.

I think 4 kids is vastly different to 6.

But I take your point about the bubble, I’d need to win the lotto twice over where I live to afford 4 kids.

I think the tipping point varies depending on the individual parents and what they are capable of. Some of us have more capacity and willingness than others. Mine certainly got more attention and support than my mother, who had just two children, ever gave us. Sometimes I think I over compensated on that.

I agree with not counting on siblings getting on. My DH doesn't have anything much to do with his siblings. My kids are grown and are very close to each other though, so that's lucky. I do hope that will always be the case. The drama in our family seems to be reserved for DH's mother and siblings.

My own thoughts about having children is you don't actually have them for each other as there are no guarantees for the future relationships they may have. I had them because I wanted them.

We moved to a cheaper location when the first was just a baby. We'd just graduated university. One of our goals was to buy a house and we didn't think we'd ever do that where we lived at the time. Sometimes you can make changes to make more possible, but I suppose you also have to be willing to leave roots behind and make the change.

Yes, 4 is a lot more ordinary than 6 - only 2/3 of the kids! 6 children must need so much physical and emotional labour. For starters, there are only 15 unique 2-person relationships in my family, versus 28 unique 2-person dynamics in OP's. I definitely don't think a clean house is possible 😂

Yes good point re capacity and willingness. the Op certainly sounds like she’s short of neither. I do think there is a point at which your capacity is exceeded though when it comes to working & having a high number of kids especially as many as 6.

It’s great your kids all get on. I feel sad for my mother that me & my one sibling don’t get on but that’s life to a point I suppose.

That may change. There was a long period of time that I didn't see my sibling due to vastly different lives. We have become close since though. Still have vastly different lives though.

@namechangedforthis67 Yes - I chose not to have 4 (or 6) kids as that would have meant my existing children missing out on holidays, days out, driving lessons, uni. Unlike as is your situation, we are not considerably wealthy as a family.
But most importantly, quality time with me and a fairly decent standard of living would have gone out the window.
It may also have meant the older children feeling a sense of responsibility to care a lot for their older siblings which isn't reasonable - let kids be kids, not carers!
I wasn't prepared to do that to my kids and I'm sure as adults they wouldn't have thanked me for it.

I can't imagine why kids would feel a sense of responsibility to care for younger siblings if the parents don't put that on them. My grandmother had 12 kids and I've never heard any of them talk about caring for the younger children, ever. I don't think they did.

I have one younger sibling, 2.5 years my junior. I was given huge amounts of responsibility for them, so that's down to parenting rather than family size.

@TeaAndMadeiraCake I feel it's more likely in a very large family as there is only so much one parent/two parents can manage. Also it is likely the case that there is a wider age gap between the oldest and the youngest child.
My mum was one of five - her brother 10 years her junior - and she definitely helped out with a lot of his care/babysitting etc as both of her parents worked (her dad worked three jobs).

It probably is more likely in a bigger family, but not inevitable. That sort of thing is down to the parents. Parents need to remember that children are children and parents are parents. You shouldn't have more than you can parent yourselves, whether that be ten or two.

@TeaAndMadeiraCake Well I take my hat off to anyone who can successfully parent six children. I'm sure it is ultimately possible, especially if you have significant wealth enough to be able to outsource, but no way I could (or want to) do it.
I would also have in the back of my mind...what if, for whatever reason, I found myself to be a single parent to such a large number of kids?

@TeaAndMadeiraCake@Cheeseandolivesplease my eldest does no babysitting at all although I wouldn’t oppose it if she wanted to. I don’t think this is inevitable in a big family. I don’t think there is anything wrong with them learning to contribute to the family and take some responsibility but I’m quite lax with all chores really.

i think what you’re saying @change is you want to parent in a certain way, a more expensive than other ways. That’s fine but it’s not everyone’s path or necessary.