How do parents balance work, six children and keeping on top?

[boymum06xo]

Hello,

I am all brand new around here, a friend of mine recommended I posted and wrote down my thoughts/feelings hoping it will relieve some of the pressure and feelings of overwhelm.

I am a mum of six beautiful, amazing and clever boys aged 11, 9, 6, 5, 4 & 2 years old, I have a wonderful partner who is incredibly helpful, loving, supportive and a wonderful father, I genuinely couldn't ask for better.
I work 4 days a week and my partner works 6 days a week, he works long hours so is only really at home in the evenings and his 1 day off a week.

How do people, keep a clean/tidy house, work, raise children, maintain some sort of a social life, keep on top of endless washing, and look slightly less homeless than the day before, I cant remember the last time I had my nails or anything like that done, plus cooking, food shopping, kids after school clubs, i see people so well put together, nice hair etc and they seem to be so effortless, I feel like I'm drowning.

I absolutely love my life and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed that I have what I do, but it just feels like something has to give- sounds silly but things in the house that I don't get chance to clean, like skirting boards, walls, under the sofa, it really gets to me.

Does anyone have any tips? schedules? advice? wine to give!!!???
And if I could have a clean house, food shop done, cleaned car, clean self all in one day that would be amazing!!

Thanks for reading.
xx

It’s interesting that the posts you didn’t like are seen as not ‘genuine’. I’m pretty sure they were genuine. People are expressing their honest thoughts, and you will find a lot of that on MN. Personally I like it because I appreciate a bit of blunt honesty but if you don’t then you might not like MN.

I think you are interpreting certain advice as an attack.

The only advice I’ve seen you take you wouldn’t need anyone to tell you it’s that obvious.

You dont think telling me to use contraception is rude?

It’s very rude in the extreme. Of course. Which is why I said “certain advice”. And fair enough if that got your back up.

I do think you first post is very Disney toned. You have 6 kids very close in age which you wanted. But given how much you both work and the fact they are one of six at some point they are going to have to give up something other kids can have, they may feel crowded out, they may feel they didn’t get enough attention. One of more of them may not feel it was a positive experience having so many siblings.

And I’m saying you’re a bad parent or a bad person but you do seem rather blind to it, and you’re making it about your feelings.

I have 3 DC, work full time as does DH but a few days each from home which massively helps. We have no cleaner, I do the food shop in person & we have no outsourcing of anything.

Washing is done most days, putting away the washing is done a few times a week, ironing is done by DH every Sunday. I try to clean as we go but generally we dont live in a show home so there is crumbs on the floor etc most days but definitely not filthy - just lived in.

I plan our weekly menu & only buy what we plan to eat each week. I do all cooking & just cook whats I had planned to so Ive only had to think about it twice a week (do a food shop on Mondays & Fridays straight from school run).

I try to tidy up the kitchen every night before I go to bed so it tidy when I come down in the morning.

Bathroom gets cleaned whilst youngest is in the bath & Im supervising once a week & I do the bath as soon as DC3 is out & getting dry.

Its just trying to get as organised as possible & also accepting that you can only do so much (& lowering your standards!)

OP I think that most of us are being genuine here.

The only thing I will add is that whenever you are living a very different lifestyle to others (and 6 children is a very different lifestyle to 1-2) you have to really try not to compare yourself to others. Without being able to afford to outsource you won't be as tidy or put together as a mum of a smaller family. This is not a reflection on you it's just different circumstances.

Interesting. You either love your life, or you're drowning - which is it?
You've got a very large family, so something has to give. You can both work fewer hours and take the financial hit, or continue, but have better domestic structures.
In the past, when people had big families like this (I am from one) the older children had to take on chores and responsibilities from a young age. Doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen and hoovering are good examples.
I've never had my nails done in my life, but there's nothing to stop you making an appointment.
You'll just need to get the older children to take care of the younger ones.

Good points. Perhaps go on the large family board? I can't imagine dealing with 6 children, but you'll find people on that board who do.

I’d caution against the last paragraph as the older children may be ok with that or they look back & think they were forced to play parent.

I agree with you, I'm just going on my experience growing up in a large family, and that of my friends. From young ages we supervised small children. It was horrible.
Me and my siblings have only 2 children each for a reason. It was tough.

I don’t think it is possible to have the perfect life and some things need to give.

Obviously, the more kids you have, the less time for yourself you’ll have and that is just life.

I have less kids but I’m a single parent.
I try and do as much as I can on a weekday eg laundry, meal prepping, shopping, grass cutting, hoovering etc - then on the weekends I really try and do as little of the boring things as possible.

I would try and do similar, so that on the weekends you and DH can try and take in turns to have free time to go and socialise with friends.

Can you afford a cleaner?
I would have the same meals every 2 weeks and cook double to freeze.
I would do an online shop and have the same things delivered every month.

Teach your kids to clean up after themselves but don’t punish them by making them do too many chores or looking after the younger ones as it’s not their fault that they’re in a big family.

I am 1/6 and my mum kept on top of the house by putting us to work from a young age 😭😭. Babysitting so her and dad could go out (not me because I’m the youngest, but the older ones), we all had chores which we didn’t dare to skip, and we were expected to entertain ourselves a lot of the time. Her and my dad got divorced when I was young, but after the initial 6 months where he basically threw a strop she dumped him they were very effective co parents and actually remain friends to this day. He always backed my mum.

I have 3 kids and that’s enough for me, but my brother actually has 6 and he pretty much just does “organised chaos” (SILs words) which works for him and SIL - but my mum ran a tight ship. As for social life, I would say you’ve got to manage your expectations. We only have three kids and our social life consists of the local pub on a Friday when my dad has the kids. Sometimes my brother and SIL will have the oldest look after the two older kids and their younger three will go to my mum or dad’s - maybe something like that could work for you?

I know a lot of people from larger families resent it, but I feel blessed to have been part of such a good family. I always felt I seen by my parents and even though I didn’t get loads of one on one time, I always knew I could count on them for anything and if it was something I maybe didn’t want to talk to them about I could always go to a sibling or other family member.

I also agree with this.

My friends daughter has recently broke down to me because my friend has had a baby but expects the eldest to help take care of it.

Watching them whilst you pop to the toilet is fine but they are not parents and they didn’t choose to have a baby or young siblings.

They should not be doing any of the caring for younger siblings.

If you’re ever unsure, compare your eldest’s to friends who don’t have young kids and what those teens do compared to yours.

I completely agree, as I clarified, that was my experience, and not ideal. That's how people used to manage with big families.

I have 6, but in 2 batches (22,20,17 and10,7,7). We each have minimal stuff, though it's still a lot in a 4 bedroom house. One chest of drawers and half a wardrobe each is the limit. No pets. Cars are mucky inside and out and the house is aways always untidy. Garden is just lawn with barely any plants as we haven't got time to tend to it. Washer is always on, and I spend time in putting clothes away otherwise stuff gets lost or we disappear under a mountain of laundry.
We always have the kids friends round though, and we eat good basic home cooked food ...no-body is fussy and we all eat the same meal (reheated later if someone is out, rather than cooking all over again). If friends pop round and I have no biscuits or cake, I'll make them a plate of buttered toast.
Despite both working we are always skint, and so we don't really have holidays as we found that one big cost-cutting act is simpler and less painful than constant penny pinching spread across several areas

This site is strange. You are condemned by many if you don’t have any kids and then if you’ve deemed to have too many by their standards then you are still treated just as harshly by some. You can house and look after your children. They have a good life. Enjoy your children as much as you can. That phase in life doesn’t last. Take some of the positive comments about how to make things easier as needed.

I’m so sorry. I know it was considered the norm back then, but I am surprised that given how much we know now about the impact of large families - particularly on the older siblings - that people still choose to do it and don’t appear to have plans in place to mitigate the effects. As I mentioned my post, some of my friends who grew up in large families are very close to their siblings and it has been lovely for them. Interestingly though, many are less close with their parents because they feel anger/resentment at how their childhoods were affected. I hope the OP manages to avoid this, and I also hope you are much happier now!

How could it not be though. You have people from all backgrounds & viewpoints winding eachother up.

Trending topics:

• gender preferences are no, for a girl absolute no
• SAHMs are doing the hardest job in the world no matter the circumstances
• universal credit - don’t go there

I find the fashion & lifestyle crowd are lovely

Oh, OP!

Surely they don’t. Not without help. We could barely keep on top of it all with 2 kids and working. And you have a 2 yo!

Be happy and proud that you have happy, healthy kids, don’t beat yourself up about skirting boards.

Time enough for that when they grow up a bit.

Big families can be wonderful and joyful. There is a real trend for intensive parenting at the moment, where parents provide constant activities and input, and I think that leads to the obsession with limiting the number of children. I think intensive parenting has drawbacks as well as benefits. Children from big families are often more flexible, independent, responsible, confident and emotionally mature in my experience. I’m American and six children is average there! Here’s what I remember the families around me doing…

In terms of practicalities, having a tidy house is probably unrealistic while the children are young - as long as it’s hygienic and functional (ie you can find what you’re looking for) I’d say that’s a win. Way more important to spend time with your children.

Some tips might be -

Outsource as much as possible:

• cleaner weekly
• gardener
• robot vaccum, tumble dryer etc
• can you have a day off while they’re in childcare?
• laundrette after holidays was a great idea from pp

routines:

• make six weekly menus with an attached shopping list so you never have to think about what to cook or what to buy
• laundry - either have a day for each person (or each bedroom) so you don’t have to sort clothes, or put a whites / darks / delicates basket in the hallway and train the children to sort their laundry as they go
• everything needs to have a place
• everything needs to be back in its place before meals or sleeps

Share responsibilities:

someone once told me there are some jobs that are better done by children than not at all - I think dusting corners and under sofas and skirting boards are probably in that category!

• 14 year old cooks once a week and hoovers the living room and stairs once a week
• 9 year old in charge of unloading the dishwasher every morning (is that unrealistic before school? Maybe something different you know they can do)
• 6 year old in charge of laying the table
• little ones can put a wash on with you and wipe skirting boards or under the sofa while you hoover - should only be ten minutes to do the washing once a day and maybe ten minutes once a week of dusting - they’ll probably find it fun

looking after themselves:

I think giving them a little more responsibility for themselves as they age is sensible. Do it my new age = new responsibility so it doesn’t get unfair with the eldest doing everything. Maybe:

• take their own plates and cups to the kitchen after dinner from 2
• Put their own clothes away from 5
• Put their own sheets in the wash on a set day from 11
• hoover their own rooms and take their own bins out from 11?
• wash their own clothes from 16??

Or whatever works best for your family! I can’t remember what age particular chores were given out.

tbh if you’re worried about skirting boards you’re probably already doing everything brilliantly

The reality is to successfully parent six kids today you need to be very wealthy indeed!

we have 4 and both work.

we now throw money at problems regularly. Tutors, cleaners, dog walkers.

@namechangedforthis67 You must both earn well to be able to afford all of these things as well as raise four kids. How old are they? Past childcare age?

@Cheeseandolivesplease

one teen in high school
two at primary school
one in private nursery

we’re not in London that probably helps.

we do earn well but we’re careful where we spend money. We had the cleaner when the we had babies in the house. We had a dog walker when we needed it. I work 25hrs/week and H works all the hours of the week. We both do on call too. The middle kids have a tutor once a week (SEND support)

it’s busy but I love it and the scruples I used to have about paying for help are well gone

I can’t add much more than what other people have already said and I only have 2 dc but I do my own nails and beauty treatments. I got a gel nail kit from Amazon and it’s very easy to do. I do it after dc are in bed while watching tv. I sometimes dedicate a couple of hours on a Friday evening to doing all my beauty treatments in one go, like a pamper session. I dye my eyebrows etc it makes me feel more put together the rest of the week. I know it’s not the most important thing but if you feel better then things seem easier