Help - What am I legally expected to pay beyond CMS and mortgage?

[DadofThreeee]

Hi all, bit of a long one.

I'm just looking for some advice on where I stand and what is generally considered fair in my situation.

I currently pay child maintenance for my two children through CMS, but I also pay quite a bit on top of that. I'm still paying half of the mortgage on the former family home, half of the annual boiler service (not sure I should even do this), half of the children's after-school club costs, school trips and I contribute towards other clubs and activities as they come up. I'm also still paying off some arrears and debts from during the marriage.

The children stay with me one evening a week and every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening. I've asked if I can have them more often, but that hasn't happened. As my ex doesn't drive, I do all of the collections and drop-offs for my contact with the children.

I moved out of the former family home in October 2024. I still legally own half of the property but no longer live there no party is in a position to buy the other out and the children are not 18 for many years.

I'm trying to budget for next year because I know very soon I will be asked for money to buy items like school uniforms.

I'm also unsure where I stand if I'm asked to contribute towards household items or repairs at the former family home. For example, if the fridge freezer needs replacing, my son needs a new mattress for his room there, the shower needs repairing or replacing, or there are other household costs. As I still jointly own the property but don't live there, I'm not sure what my legal responsibility is.

My questions really are:

If I'm already paying CMS and all of the above, am I expected to keep paying extra whenever something comes up? Is there any legal obligation to pay towards things like school uniforms, or is that something that should come from the child maintenance unless both parents agree otherwise?

What is my legal responsibility for costs relating to the former family home that I jointly own but no longer live in? Does that differ depending on whether it's an essential repair to the property or simply replacing household items?

Please note by no way am I trying to avoid supporting my children at all, I always will. I just want to understand where my legal responsibilities begin and end, especially as I'm paying CMS, contributing towards the former family home, covering historic arrears from the marriage, and managing my own household, other child with my new partner and our own finances.

I'd be really appreciative of hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has experience of how this usually works. I also do not mean to trigger anyone who has an ex who does not even pay the bare minimum.

Thanks.

All my ex husband was obliged to pay was child support. He didn’t have to nor did he contribute to anything else at all. I bought him out on the house so it became solely mine. So I can’t say how the mortgage side of things work.

No idea on the legalities. Surely if you're paying half the mortgage but not living there your ex should be paying you half the going rate for rent. If you did it that way I would agree with half the costs you would normally pay if you were a landlord. House maintenance like boiler etc but not towards mattresses etc as you presumably have a mattress for your DC at your home too. Clubs etc should come out of CMS, any extra is optional.

So in 18 months you've already had another child with someone else?

What does the divorce settlement say?

Your ex is doing very well indeed!
My understanding is that you have no obligation to pay anything other than the CMS amount. That you currently pay half of the mortgage is tricky as if you don’t she will likely default and you would also be liable.

It’s important whether you were married - it makes a difference.

You are only liable for

1. CMS
2. Any 'Joint' debts eg The Mortgage

Nothing else

Your ex is taking you for a ride

Are you married in which case you need to divorce and get a proper financial settlement.

If you are not I suggest you get legal advice about the jointly owned home

As you are paying the mortgage it may have an impact on any CMS assessment.

You dont get enough time with your existing children (you dont mention having started court proceedings?) you have debts you are paying off, you havnt sorted out what's happening to the marital home so you are financially tied in there... but you've had another baby? Sorry, I want to be sympathetic but come on.

OP, you’re doing the bare minimum. Including paying the mortgage on a property which you will benefit from later down the line. Getting a woman pregnant after less than a year doesn’t paint you in a good light.

sadly we are not at that stage yet - she also wont pay for any of the divorce so more costs for me to foot.

If it's a joint mortgage you are both responsible for payment of the whole mortgage, as far as the lender is concerned. So if your Ex has to choose between paying for school uniform and 'her half' of the mortgage, you could find that you have to cover that. If she can't pay, then you remain liable. You may well be able to claim it back from her if and when the house is eventually sold, but the liability technically remains joint.
If things are amicable, you could sit down and have an open and frank discussion about what the house expenses are, what the children's expenses are, and how you could be compensated for paying half the mortgage but also having to pay extra to accommodate yourself elsewhere. You'd also need to agree and calculate all the children's expenses, and work out how those are going to be paid for, as well as the roof over the children's head ,the heating of their home, the additional childcare that your ex provides, and in making any calculations fair, looking at available income and earning capacity, and how that may have been affected by childcare etc during the relationship. If you want to be fair, be fair to both of you, and look at what's possible. If ,for example, your ex does not earn as much as you, she might not be able to pay half of the household expenses, especially if she is working shorter hours for childcare reasons, or a less pressured or time sensitive job for those reasons.
It may be that you would both benefit from the house being sold.
You might take the view that if Ex cannot afford to pay for a new mattress for DS, then he'll have to manage wth the old one, or you may decide that if you can help, then you will. These things are not set in stone, but one thing you cannot do is insist that Ex buys something she hasn't got the money for.

Child maintenance, half the mortgage, half the house essentials like if the roof needs fixing. Half the kids activities. Yeah. Frankly, many men don't. But there's two issues here. You co own a house. You share children.

The children should be an equal expense. So your maintenance covers half their food, gas, water, electric, clothes, toothpaste etc their living costs. It doesn't cover their school trips or activities though.

You co own a house and share a mortgage. You are jointly responsible for the mortgage and upkeep of the house. Although this should be factored into the fact she lives there and you don't. But I don't think your mortgage company actually care about that, they care that you're jointly responsible for the debt. If it was vacant you would both be jointly responsible for the debt. It's essentially you both covering half the kids housing costs.

Id say you're contributing fairly. Unlike 95% of non resident parents. Depends if you want to continue contributing fairly to your children or if you want to join the dossers.

You have two separate things, paying for the children and the house. Is there a reason you are not divorcing for a clean break? Cms is the legal minimum you need to pay towards the children, but often doesn't reflect actual costs. School uniform seems an odd one to quibble over, they need it and it not that expensive. You surely need to come to a legal agreement about marriage finances and move on before the kids turn 18?

that's right, not sure the relevanct of this?

Currently still married.

Please note by no way am I trying to avoid supporting my children

Lol

Yes that was my understanding.

We are currently married. I am seeking the advice but I do not get legal aid etc it has just been able saving for the legal help and the proceedings.

It might explain why Ex doesn't want to pay towards the divorce, or be particularly amenable as far as contact is concerned.

It’s very relevant that you’ve had another child within 18 months. You are paying fairly. And if costs like uniform and school trips increase, your contributions should increase accordingly. If new baby mama doesn’t like that, them’s the breaks I’m afraid.

they’re your children and it’s your house. You also only have them 6 days per month. So yeah. Pay your way and pay more when it costs more. HTH.

I have asked to have them more but my ex is refusing this as mentioned in OP. I am also not asking for a sympathy. Even if the court proceedings were in place my understanding is she can live in the house until the youngest child is 18 therefore still being financially tied.

I split from my XH when my DC were toddlers. He paid the amount dictated by CMS and that was it. £245 a month.

He didn't see them, or contribute to the mortgage, uniforms, clubs, house maintenance as the years went by. I paid for everything.

I managed to get a mortgage in the end that paid off our outstanding one and enough to buy him out. Financially crippled me but I did it.

Your XW has really got a number on you.

You need to kick it on to a court ruling. A judge will help determine a fair split. Presumably when you sell the house you'll get a chunk of equity back that will help pay off the debts etc.

So you haven't taken any legal advice then, about divorce, a financial order, or child contact.

What you are paying is fair and reasonable. You can get away with paying less than what's fair if you choose to (and based on everything you've done so far, it seems obvious you will).

Congratulations on your new child. That must be really lovely for the three children you've recently left.

Long story short, I moved on from the abusive relationship, dropped the charges against her (a neighbour had called the police) the marriage was done back in 2022 and we tried to make it work following her martial affair but history repeated itself in the summer of 2024 and I finally stood up and left. I really just want to be as civil with her and pay what is required.

It's really sad that because your ex completely took the piss, you would encourage another dad to do the same to another single parent.