Help - What am I legally expected to pay beyond CMS and mortgage?

[DadofThreeee]

Hi all, bit of a long one.

I'm just looking for some advice on where I stand and what is generally considered fair in my situation.

I currently pay child maintenance for my two children through CMS, but I also pay quite a bit on top of that. I'm still paying half of the mortgage on the former family home, half of the annual boiler service (not sure I should even do this), half of the children's after-school club costs, school trips and I contribute towards other clubs and activities as they come up. I'm also still paying off some arrears and debts from during the marriage.

The children stay with me one evening a week and every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening. I've asked if I can have them more often, but that hasn't happened. As my ex doesn't drive, I do all of the collections and drop-offs for my contact with the children.

I moved out of the former family home in October 2024. I still legally own half of the property but no longer live there no party is in a position to buy the other out and the children are not 18 for many years.

I'm trying to budget for next year because I know very soon I will be asked for money to buy items like school uniforms.

I'm also unsure where I stand if I'm asked to contribute towards household items or repairs at the former family home. For example, if the fridge freezer needs replacing, my son needs a new mattress for his room there, the shower needs repairing or replacing, or there are other household costs. As I still jointly own the property but don't live there, I'm not sure what my legal responsibility is.

My questions really are:

If I'm already paying CMS and all of the above, am I expected to keep paying extra whenever something comes up? Is there any legal obligation to pay towards things like school uniforms, or is that something that should come from the child maintenance unless both parents agree otherwise?

What is my legal responsibility for costs relating to the former family home that I jointly own but no longer live in? Does that differ depending on whether it's an essential repair to the property or simply replacing household items?

Please note by no way am I trying to avoid supporting my children at all, I always will. I just want to understand where my legal responsibilities begin and end, especially as I'm paying CMS, contributing towards the former family home, covering historic arrears from the marriage, and managing my own household, other child with my new partner and our own finances.

I'd be really appreciative of hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has experience of how this usually works. I also do not mean to trigger anyone who has an ex who does not even pay the bare minimum.

Thanks.

My top financial advice would be not to have more children if you are struggling to support the ones you already have…

He hasn't said he was struggling and he hasn't said he wants to pay less.
People are just reading: Man = everything is his fault and he won't pay.

It's not an agenda.

It's life experience.

When you've met as many men who left their children with an allegedly abusive partner and moved on to have another kid very quickly and their only concern is finances (because somehow they are always paying loads in maintenence) and not the abusive woman living with their kids as I have, you get a little cynical.

I can’t understand why in nearly 2 years you haven’t seen a solicitor to get an understanding of what you should be paying.

it’s about £500 for a divorce, more to sort the finances via a solicitor, but it doesn’t make sense to me that you haven’t got the ball rolling? You must be paying more than £500 a month atm on all those costs you don’t need to be paying?

if you can’t buy each other out, then you sell the house. A simple google would have told you that.

i don’t think you’re not getting sympathy because you’re a man, more that the story doesn’t really add up. As above re the not seeing a solicitor. But also you have described her as a drinker and abusive - I can’t fathom why you weren’t straight to the court/police on day 1 of the split to get access to your children to protect them and be the resident parent?

So much wrong information on this thread. There’s no “should” when it comes to CMS. There is no definition of what it should or shouldn’t cover.

What “so much” wrong information?

And the answer to that is quite clearly, yes, he’s being ripped off. Doesn’t matter if he’s had quads and three wives since then. She’s taking the piss.

”CMS doesn’t cover activities…or trips”. In someone’s opinion it doesn’t.

So….. just the one post with so much wrong information? 🤨

You think he's being ripped off because he's paying the legal minimum maintenance (14% of his income, but reduced because he's already managed to procreate further), half the mortgage for which he's financially liable, and he chips in towards uniform and trips for the children he's left with his 'abuser'. Sure.

Can you fuck off to dadsnet? I'm not anti man at all and i love my husband but just fuck off men. Sick of coming on here to a womens place and you are all everywhere. Give us a fucking break. We're not here to listen to your sob stories. Yet again you are in our safe places.

If she'd left the children with an alcoholic abuser? Really, you think she'd be getting nothing but sympathy?

Its all good. Got thick skin 🤪

Never said struggling. I can pay my way for the children. 😁

Pay half the mortgage & CMS.
Provide whatever the children need at your house, mum provides for her house.
Get divorced and sort the finances out.

If she left the children with an alcoholic abuser, moved in with someone else and had another child immediately she would have her ass handed to her.

Get legal advice. Go for 50/50 contact and a clean break financial order.

Not when he leaves his existing children with someone he describes as abusive and has another after merely 9 months he isn’t.

If neither of you can afford to buy the other out the house will need to be sold and the equity split between you. There’s no way it’s reasonable for you to fund 50% of her accommodation costs on top of your own. It’s unusual now for a court to award a merger order, they prefer a clean break but you really need to get on with the divorce and financial settlement.

Until the house is sold you’d be wise to contribute to repair costs for the fabric of the building, to protect your investment and ensure an easy sale. After that you’re liable for CMS for the kids, morally it’s not enough to fund their costs but that’s between you and your conscience.

You're getting stick for bringing another child into an already messy situation that seems a long way from being resolved.

Why are you not pressing this to court, getting more visitation time and sorting finances such as selling the house and splitting the money?

My Dad left an abusive, alcoholic wife (his second, not my (dead) Mum). He got full custody of their DC (my half sib). No chance in hell he was leaving sib with mother. You should fight for full custody.

No she had the affair and entertained other guys behind my back. I had checked out way before I actually left.

Hi - my DH was in exactly the same position with his ex wife. They had 60/40 custody (her 60%), and he paid maintenance, plus half the mortgage for family home that he hadn’t live in for several years, plus half of any big costs (boiler repairs etc) plus regular extra cash for school trips, clothes etc, and he did every single pick up and drop off (including to parties and play dates NOT on his days with DC) because ex doesn’t drive. Frankly she was absolutely taking the mick. His ex frequently threatened to take the children away from him, so he put up with it for years.

it took a number of years to get the financial settlement agreed, and it ended up going to court, but this was the result of it:

• judge ordered the marital home to be sold, with proceeds going 60/40 in her favour.
• he pays monthly maintenance and absolutely nothing else.
• children still spend their time 60/40, and he no longer sorts out logistics/transport during her time with kids, unless he actively wants to.

I think you need to get yourself a lawyer.

Pretty much what I was thinking. Thank you

Thank you for this.

I think so too and habe made enquiries to get the legal support going forward.