Help - What am I legally expected to pay beyond CMS and mortgage?

[DadofThreeee]

Hi all, bit of a long one.

I'm just looking for some advice on where I stand and what is generally considered fair in my situation.

I currently pay child maintenance for my two children through CMS, but I also pay quite a bit on top of that. I'm still paying half of the mortgage on the former family home, half of the annual boiler service (not sure I should even do this), half of the children's after-school club costs, school trips and I contribute towards other clubs and activities as they come up. I'm also still paying off some arrears and debts from during the marriage.

The children stay with me one evening a week and every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening. I've asked if I can have them more often, but that hasn't happened. As my ex doesn't drive, I do all of the collections and drop-offs for my contact with the children.

I moved out of the former family home in October 2024. I still legally own half of the property but no longer live there no party is in a position to buy the other out and the children are not 18 for many years.

I'm trying to budget for next year because I know very soon I will be asked for money to buy items like school uniforms.

I'm also unsure where I stand if I'm asked to contribute towards household items or repairs at the former family home. For example, if the fridge freezer needs replacing, my son needs a new mattress for his room there, the shower needs repairing or replacing, or there are other household costs. As I still jointly own the property but don't live there, I'm not sure what my legal responsibility is.

My questions really are:

If I'm already paying CMS and all of the above, am I expected to keep paying extra whenever something comes up? Is there any legal obligation to pay towards things like school uniforms, or is that something that should come from the child maintenance unless both parents agree otherwise?

What is my legal responsibility for costs relating to the former family home that I jointly own but no longer live in? Does that differ depending on whether it's an essential repair to the property or simply replacing household items?

Please note by no way am I trying to avoid supporting my children at all, I always will. I just want to understand where my legal responsibilities begin and end, especially as I'm paying CMS, contributing towards the former family home, covering historic arrears from the marriage, and managing my own household, other child with my new partner and our own finances.

I'd be really appreciative of hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has experience of how this usually works. I also do not mean to trigger anyone who has an ex who does not even pay the bare minimum.

Thanks.

I dont have an 18 month old ? 3 months old to be correct.

Because mums are usually not paid fairly by their ex's.

My ex pays via the CMS and that’s it. I know it’s no help but well done you for stepping up and doing all that extra. You sound amazing and I really think you might be being taken for granted. Whilst I wouldn’t encourage anyone to stop paying if they can afford it it does sound very unfair and a bit greedy of your child’s other parent.

Yes I used the Wikivorce service that someone kindly mentioned, really good help for my first call. I guess most of it comes down to legal costs, knowing she will fight everything.

It was never about not paying CMS it was about making sure it was fair as cms isnt governed to say what it really should be spent on nor evidence, so when I do contribute, I buy some of the additional items, i.e. footwear.

Thank you, thats my next course of action

Thank you. Again I am by no means perfect but I want to make sure what I pay goes towards the children so she isnt funding her lifestyle - I mean she could, but I am then less likely to provide extras beyond what is confirmed on CMS and what I do already.

Don't be that guy. 'Funding her lifestyle'..you mean covering your fair share of kids expenses so she has some of her own income, regardless of its source, ie work or UC to spend on herself. That's allowed. If she gets her hair done, thats not your cms. That's her money thats available because you are contributing fairly. It would be completely unworkable to prove expenditure..how does she work out and show what % of her energy, water, broadband bill is hers or the kids? Should she do separate shops at Tesco? How do you quantify the extra costs in living in the school catchment, or with big enough accommodation? An NRP who only has them twice a month doesn't need to worry about that so much. Its just not feasible. Unless you are a v v high earner your cms is not going to be near 50% of their costs let alone funding her lifestyle. Perhaps she should work out how much her career / pension is impacted by being the RP? Id be amazed if that sum came out in any NRPs favour.
If you want them 50% ..go get it. If she's an abusive alcoholic one can only wonder why you've waited so long. And as for 'entitled to be happy' and 'moving on'..sure. Im a decade into a lovely relationship post divorce. Fully happy and moved on. Guess what, we didn't have more kids or even live together. Both of us are primarily focused on our existing kids and not giving them half or step siblings and parents they dont need. Its not mandatory or necessary. I'm pretty appalled that you think leaving kids with an abusive alcoholic while you 'move on' and moan about supporting them.is ok. I've read all your posts and nothing you've written excuses it.

Talking from past experience of her spending habits. I will push further for the childcare arrangements in due course. I was unable to get any legal aid assistance and do not claim benefits. I was not in a position to afford the next steps. Now I can. The children appear happier and we have a really close bond. That's your own view re. no additional children. I just want to be fair at the end of the day and now getting legal advice I can ensure she is not taking things for granted.

It is very rare a court would not agree for house to be sold and any equity split. Starting point 50/50 but the needs of the DC may mean you only get 40 percent of equity. Most times couples divorcing pension share. You are not obligated to allow your wife and DC to remain in house until youngest DC is 18. That would only happen in very rare circumstances like a DC had a disability and current house had lots of accommodation like wheelchair ramps etc. for disabled DC. You are not legally required to pay anything above CMS but they are your DC and they may be deprived if you don't agree to pay half of activities and uniform. If you have doubts your wife is spending money on DC then take the DC out and buy them uniform items yourself.

Plenty of people self rep in family court and again, no money for legal costs but happy to bring another child into the world? You don't mean 'what's fair' you mean, what's best for you.

If she really is an abusive alcoholic, no decent parent would have left the kids with her in the first place, so either she isn't really, or you were more interested in your own 'moving on' than ensuring their safety. You keep trying to come over as reasonable and fair minded but it boils down to that.

You need to get a lawyer to start divorce proceedings, a better contact schedule and sell the house.
Otherwise you’ll be having versions of these conversations for the next 10 years.

So take them to M&S yourself and get the uniform, shoes etc.
There are many ways to provide without handing over cash. Make sure they have everything they need at your house. Take them on holiday. Make sure you get school emails and details so you can support them there.
Being a parent is about far more than just money.

Yes thats what I did with a few bits last year. Thats right they have most things at ours now that they do back at home. Have just had over the phone parents evenings and volunteered on a school trip with one of them. You're right it is more than that.