Help - What am I legally expected to pay beyond CMS and mortgage?

[DadofThreeee]

Hi all, bit of a long one.

I'm just looking for some advice on where I stand and what is generally considered fair in my situation.

I currently pay child maintenance for my two children through CMS, but I also pay quite a bit on top of that. I'm still paying half of the mortgage on the former family home, half of the annual boiler service (not sure I should even do this), half of the children's after-school club costs, school trips and I contribute towards other clubs and activities as they come up. I'm also still paying off some arrears and debts from during the marriage.

The children stay with me one evening a week and every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening. I've asked if I can have them more often, but that hasn't happened. As my ex doesn't drive, I do all of the collections and drop-offs for my contact with the children.

I moved out of the former family home in October 2024. I still legally own half of the property but no longer live there no party is in a position to buy the other out and the children are not 18 for many years.

I'm trying to budget for next year because I know very soon I will be asked for money to buy items like school uniforms.

I'm also unsure where I stand if I'm asked to contribute towards household items or repairs at the former family home. For example, if the fridge freezer needs replacing, my son needs a new mattress for his room there, the shower needs repairing or replacing, or there are other household costs. As I still jointly own the property but don't live there, I'm not sure what my legal responsibility is.

My questions really are:

If I'm already paying CMS and all of the above, am I expected to keep paying extra whenever something comes up? Is there any legal obligation to pay towards things like school uniforms, or is that something that should come from the child maintenance unless both parents agree otherwise?

What is my legal responsibility for costs relating to the former family home that I jointly own but no longer live in? Does that differ depending on whether it's an essential repair to the property or simply replacing household items?

Please note by no way am I trying to avoid supporting my children at all, I always will. I just want to understand where my legal responsibilities begin and end, especially as I'm paying CMS, contributing towards the former family home, covering historic arrears from the marriage, and managing my own household, other child with my new partner and our own finances.

I'd be really appreciative of hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has experience of how this usually works. I also do not mean to trigger anyone who has an ex who does not even pay the bare minimum.

Thanks.

Oh please 😊

Actually it's a public forum so it can't be classed as a safe space,and men have been coming here for years,the tag line is "for parents by parents.

If you are looking for a safe space I respectfully suggest you open up your own forum and police it by banning men from and then asking everyone to prove they are female

Legally for the children you only need to pay CMS. Nothing else (so no halfs on uniforms or wraparound care or school uniforms or so on. CMS covers all of it).

For the house you're liable for the mortgage. I'm not sure if you need to pay for basic maintenance (like damaged roof, broken boiler etc) - you might want to get legal help on this point or do a bit of online research. But certainly you don't need to pay for any contents that need replacing, like white goods and new beds etc.

The road is long but you've taken the first steps, and those are the hardest. You'll come to the other side. Best of luck!

You’ve met someone else and had a new baby within 18 months? How does that help your existing children already upset by the divorce?!

Mmmh. You also get a bit cynical when the ex is a blood sucking narcissist who will rinse a good man dry just to spite them, and then mess the kids up for life for a good measure.

It's not just men who can be a-holes!

You are paying towards your wife and children, as you should. Can't see why paying half their clubs, clothes etc is a problem for you. Probably unwise to take up with a mistress and get her pregnant if you are short of funds. Especially as you are unlikely to have recovered from abuse within such a short time-frame.

Get divorced if you really want anything to change. Yes, it could be expensive, but NOT getting divorced is expensive too.

Don't blame her you sound messy AF

The CPS are in control of 'charges' but a victim doesnt have to support prosecution and can disengage with giving statements etc, this happens a lot

Given the police were involved, social services would have been involved and decisions about whether the children remain or not would have been assessed, so OP may not have had a choice whether to 'leave kids with her'.

No doubt if she came on here and started a thread claiming her ex was accusing her of being a heavy drinker and trying to call the police on her and then not engaging with prosecution everyone would have sympathy with her and say that he was gaslighting, controlling, making it all up etc. He would be accused of trying to get the kids from her.

So have you initiated court proceedings to get more time with your kids?

Cms but bare in mind depending on your salary- its unlikely to be half their costs. Legally nothing else, but you should pay for clubs on your days, uniforms at yours etc.
The mortgage lender doesnt care who pays the mortgage as long as its paid. If it doesnt get paid youre both liable. Would your ex likely default? Realistically you could charge her rent as she has sole use, which offsets your half of the mortgage. You need proper legal advice.

Not ideal new baby but also if you were a woman saying your ex was abusive and had affairs your replies would be very different.

Go see a solicitor

That’s not correct

courts prefer a clean break which might mean the sale of the house

the quicker you get divorced the sooner you can move on

You can’t afford not to get legal advice asap. You’ve created a situation of dependency with your ex and it could come back to bite you.

You are required to pay CMS. That’s it. What incentive does your STBX have to sort out the divorce when she has a hammock?

You need to get the divorce instigated and in motion. Longer you leave it the worse the outcome.

Courts won’t care about your new child’s needs when splitting assets, they’ll take the view you knew the obligations you had to your ex and 2 children so they shouldn’t get less as a result.

cms rarely covers everything, or even half of everything. The problem with 'her time' and 'his time' is that 90% is her time. Most hobbies, trips, new clothes or kit needed will fall on her time. CMS makes mealy mouthed attempt to define it as a contribution to essentials, so none of what I listed above bar clothes are 'covered'. Try telling.teens that they can wear the same 3 t shirts from Asda as the essentials are covered. T
No pocket money, no gaming, no hobby supplies, no money to go out with friends or buy them a birthday present. Again, these all happen on tje RPs time so it just always falls to them? Whst their earning capacity is massive limited by childcare.

The ops current contributions sound pretty decent to me..as they should be. He should be more proactive about increasing contact if thats what he wants and not impressed with the new baby in 18 months or leaving his kids with an abusive alcoholic.

This is good advice. Mesher orders not as common as they once were.

If op was a woman saying.g theyd left an abusive ex, left their children with them a.d gone on to get pregnant in less than a year, she'd be given a very hard time.

So what are you saying here? Is she abusive or not? You described her as abusive upthread. Are you now saying she’s not abusive?

Behind every 'good guy'....

I'm sure you have posted before about this and the overwhelming advice was see a solicitor. Get the divorce started and let a judge decide what is "fair".

Because this is MN the domain of women up on their high horses 😂 the responses would be very different if you were a woman posting this but this site is a man hating pit of despair

Well noone is forcing you to use the website.

This thread is quite clearly a ridiculous drip feed of information anyway

Do you really think that if a woman said she had left her kids with a abusive man and ignored any questions about whether she had gone to court to get custody that people here wouldn't give her shit for it? You must be new.

Off you trot then. Over the decade plus I've used this site I have found it's been a very good place for calling out bullshit.

Well as she has the kids more time than you do, I'm guessing she works part time, so likely she can't afford the divorce costs.

Also you're in a dual income household, she isn't?

Re the boiler, I mean do you want your kids to live in an unheated house with no hot water?

None of us can say what's fair/unfair without knowing the exact details, however, given you own the house, yes, you're liable to pay half the mortgage, especially if your ex can't. It sounds like you're paying the minimum CMS which isn't much and you're already bleating about uniform costs?

Maybe don't have more kids if you can't afford your two older ones @DadofThreeee 🙄