Help - What am I legally expected to pay beyond CMS and mortgage?

[DadofThreeee]

Hi all, bit of a long one.

I'm just looking for some advice on where I stand and what is generally considered fair in my situation.

I currently pay child maintenance for my two children through CMS, but I also pay quite a bit on top of that. I'm still paying half of the mortgage on the former family home, half of the annual boiler service (not sure I should even do this), half of the children's after-school club costs, school trips and I contribute towards other clubs and activities as they come up. I'm also still paying off some arrears and debts from during the marriage.

The children stay with me one evening a week and every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening. I've asked if I can have them more often, but that hasn't happened. As my ex doesn't drive, I do all of the collections and drop-offs for my contact with the children.

I moved out of the former family home in October 2024. I still legally own half of the property but no longer live there no party is in a position to buy the other out and the children are not 18 for many years.

I'm trying to budget for next year because I know very soon I will be asked for money to buy items like school uniforms.

I'm also unsure where I stand if I'm asked to contribute towards household items or repairs at the former family home. For example, if the fridge freezer needs replacing, my son needs a new mattress for his room there, the shower needs repairing or replacing, or there are other household costs. As I still jointly own the property but don't live there, I'm not sure what my legal responsibility is.

My questions really are:

If I'm already paying CMS and all of the above, am I expected to keep paying extra whenever something comes up? Is there any legal obligation to pay towards things like school uniforms, or is that something that should come from the child maintenance unless both parents agree otherwise?

What is my legal responsibility for costs relating to the former family home that I jointly own but no longer live in? Does that differ depending on whether it's an essential repair to the property or simply replacing household items?

Please note by no way am I trying to avoid supporting my children at all, I always will. I just want to understand where my legal responsibilities begin and end, especially as I'm paying CMS, contributing towards the former family home, covering historic arrears from the marriage, and managing my own household, other child with my new partner and our own finances.

I'd be really appreciative of hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has experience of how this usually works. I also do not mean to trigger anyone who has an ex who does not even pay the bare minimum.

Thanks.

2 children I left* Not an easy decision given the circumstances but they are great with their new sibling :)

CMS plus half the house and other big expenses sounds reasonable

So, just for clarity to enable to us to perhaps understand the mindset of your estranged wife - this ‘new’ relationship? How new is it and when did the additional child arrive? Who instigated the split?

Put simply, if neither of you can afford to buy the other out, you need to sell the house asap and split any equity.
Others are correct that you are only legally required to pay CMS but this would make you a shit father.
If your ex (otherwise known as your wife) defaults on the mortgage you are equally responsible for any missed payments.
It is extraordinarily relevant that you have another child already. You were in no financial position to do that without jeopardising your existing children’s stability.
You don’t need legal advice to divorce; get online and submit the form for a reasonably small fee. Ensure you also submit a consent order to sever all financial ties with your ex. You should have done this before entangling finances with a new relationship and especially before having another child.
If your ex won’t allow you to have the children more, you can either complain about it online and do nothing or, apply to the courts for more contact like any half decent father would do.

This isn’t guaranteed. Courts prefer to make you sell the house and split costs. They rarely do the staying until 18 thing anymore.

thank you

For clarity -
I moved on from the abusive relationship, I dropped the charges against her (a neighbour had called the police) the marriage was done back in 2022 and we tried to make it work following her martial affair but history repeated itself in the summer of 2024 and I finally stood up and left. I really just want to be as civil with her and pay what is required. I have tried to limit contact and try to use a coparenting app as I just get abuse messages or unrelated messages often influenced by her drinking habits.

You need to file for divorce. I believe the fee is around £500 - small beer in the grand scheme of things. Filing will put you in the driver’s seat, so well worth it.

But before getting the decree absolut you need to have a financial consent order in place. Given the complexity of your situation and your X’s lack of cooperation, you will need competent legal advice. Anything else is likely to land you in a big mess.

save £££ by doing your homework: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and other books, family solicitor websites.

Hang on. You left your 2, presumably young if they aren't 18 for a long time, children with an abusive and heavy drinking woman. You have not used the courts to try and improve their situation, which is extremely vulnerable. And within 9 months of leaving the family home you have introduced your new partner to these very vulnerable children and rather than show them they have a source of support and stability instead have another baby.

You need to straighten out your priorities. Start divorce proceedings. Involve social services. Get at least 50 / 50 access to your children and push for far more.

You are their parent and if the other parent is being difficult at the children’s expense you don't get to shrug and say "I tried". Keep trying and put these vulnerable children first for a change.

DH pointed out your not just 'renting' to exW but also providing a place for your children to live. So the rent thing might not work. It's complicated.

File for divorce. Speak to a solicitor.

But left 3 children behind with an abuser?

And felt ready and able to enter into another relationship and have a other child within 18 months?

I think you've probably come to the wrong place for advice.

Yep. Tale as old as time. Not ‘let me get these children away from this abusive monster but instead, am I being ripped off’.

sadly its more complicated than that, but thanks.

Its not relevant, but you're a man so you'll be jumped on.

Even if the court proceedings were in place my understanding is she can live in the house until the youngest child is 18 therefore still being financially tied.

Not necessarily. I would cut it back to CMS and half the mortgage for now. Take legal advice and start the divorce proceedings.

He's already advised this. He's entitled to be happy and have a new relationship and child.

As the relationship was abusive and you have implied an issue with her drinking, are the children safe with her?

You don’t need to be paying everything you are atm but you do need to continue to pay half the mortgage until there’s a financial order at least.

It’s also reasonable to split the costs of big items outside of CMS which is rarely enough.

How old is your new child and was there any crossover in the relationships? It’s all very quick especially for your poor kids.

9 months pregant so basically in less then a year you’ve had a child with someone else?

Were you having an affair and if so I don’t blame your wife for going to town with all of this!

I’d have said you were being more than fair but this paints you in a different light.

He certainly has.
Loving the way the OP's claims of abuse are being ignored and the fact that this dad is paying much more than he is obligated to is overlooked.
Women really are the eternal victims on MN.

A lot of man haters on here. Bloke only asked for financial advice!

You dropped abuse charges and left your kids with her?

You can't decide to drop charges in the UK, and it was a, quite frankly, dangerous decision to leave your vulnerable kids with an abuser.

But you moved on quickly and had another kid so I guess all is rosy in your world (apart from trying to figure out how to pay less).

There are tonnes of F4J type sites that will give amazing advice on how to pay the bare minimum possible, maybe try there.

You need to divorce and the family house needs to be sold.

you don’t need to pay out for lawyers- apply for the divorce- £600.

you’re not legally required to pay the mortgage if you don’t live there but obviously you will have to deal with the credit / debt implications if there are arrears.

you pay CMS and get accommodation that is suitable for your children to stay at.

divorce isn’t that hard, woman up.

I’d probably say legally just child maintenance and half the mortgage (I’d probably say plus anything like major repairs since it’ll keep the final sale of your property fair), but it costs much much more than basic CM to actually raise a child. You could just tell your ex that you’re just paying bare minimum from now on but it sounds like it probably wouldn’t go down well which is understandable because, like I said, it doesn’t even scratch the surface. Obviously I don’t know how much CM you actually pay, but what my ex gives me doesn’t even cover the kids monthly bus fare to school.

I cannot imagine any situation where a woman posting that she had left an abuser and was paying plenty of maintenance would get anything other than sympathy on here.
It's bizarre what people take from threads based on their own agenda.