I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Again, where do you think the child will go? She can't refuse to have her back, that's child abandonment and will not force social services to pull a foster placement out of their arses.
The OP needs to ask services for support, but ultimately it's her responsibility to house and raise her child. Foster care is not an option.

It is an option - if OP forces SS.

It isn't an option they like to go down, of course.

Parents do have a responsibility to raise their children. That also includes keeping their children safe. OPs son isn't safe. It does not include acquiescing to abuse to save the social care budget some money.

Same day emergency foster care isn't an option. It doesn't exist. You can't force them to provide something they don't have.

Hi. Hugs xx my younger daughter has PDA. She is an adult now so we are through the worst and it does get better, honest.

I haven't managed to read the entire thread so sorry if some of this doesn't apply.

But I had to learn a completely different way of parenting. My mum was strict and allowed for no disobedience and I complied 100% and I was shocked that my daughter would go against me.

Consequence based parenting was all the rage - Supernanny was on tv - and it made matters worse.

We got the PDA diagnosis at 7 but I was already doing PDA type strategies.

Basically I dropped all demands. She could do, eat, wear what she wanted, suck her dummy when she got home from school to calm herself down, watch TV...I stopped trying to get her to do stuff like crafts. We only bought birthday presents she wanted - no surprises.

We got her plenty of sensory help. There is a lot you can learn from books - i used The Out of Synch Child. We spent a lot of time in play parks, out walking the dog. We did bike rides, she had a scooter. We went swimming. We got to understand her sensory needs - like the dummy. She liked to suck things to calm down so we had lots of lollipops. We did fun sensory activities whenever possible - the book gives examples.

The aim at all times was to keep her regulated. That was the main goal. The idea is that you have to get them to a point where they are mostly calm, where they trust that you understand their needs and are always working to help them, and then you can start pushing for a bit more of what you need done.

It isnt easy. I would also suggest you get support. There are PDA support groups on Facebook, there will be local autism support groups. Look at your LA website under Local Offer to find details of local services which might suit your daughter - my LA has a club for autistic children at mainstream primary and they cope with all sorts of problem behaviours.

Good luck xx

Well I presume they would manage to find it - and for two children too! - if OP was arrested for child abandonment (like you seem to think would happen). So they can manage it in this scenario.

How are you op

No it doesn’t. Its a 20 week process long as the evidence is there. Done two myself!

Where are you op?

Maybe that's just in my school then - the SENCO certainly seems to suggest the process takes years with backlogs in getting professionals in to assess children with needs. From what the OP says in her posts, it certainly seems like the school haven't been very supportive so far so I'm not sure she'd get very far with them pushing it for her.

Hiding in my car on a thursday night wasn't how I imagined my night going

More difficult than usual, or about the same?*

*Not being facetious just trying to gage if it's worse than normal

Today is really hard. She didn't get invited to a classmates party. She takes rejection very badly

maybe get some help here

Sorry the image is under review 🙄

Out-of-Hours Social Care (Emergency Duty Service)

• Phone: Call 0161 234 5001
• Details: The Emergency Duty Service handles urgent adult social care emergencies outside of normal office hours. They conduct emergency Mental Health Act assessments at A&E departments and help with situations like carer breakdowns, homelessness, or severe safeguarding concerns. 1, 2, 3]

Local Crisis Response Teams

These multi-disciplinary teams (which include social workers, nurses, and GPs) visit individuals at home to provide urgent care:

• North Manchester: Community Crisis Response - North Manchester
• Central Manchester: Crisis Response Team - Central Manchester
• South Manchester: Crisis Response Team - South Manchester 1]

More likely would be the kids sat in a police station for hours and then maybe spending the night in a hotel room with two police officers.

That's adult social care

Sencos often put parents off applying. The la can be very strict on what they allow schools to apply on. But what they say is not necessarily true. Parents can apply direct and go to tribunal when turned down.

Have you tried speaking to her about this and tell that that maybe the friends mum couldn’t afford to invite everyone or maybe it could be her behaviour
and if she wants lots of friends & party invites she needs to treat everyone kindly or would that just result in hell for you? She sounds like she definitely has a PDA profile. Tell GP in the morning you WANT a right to choose referral, pick one there & then and get it sent.
You can buy melatonin gummies online, for sleep. Just give them a go op.

Oh that's hard for both of you

AuDHD with PDA can experience social rejection as a physical pain, which some people aren't aware of but then the pain can spike the adrenaline flight-fight loop (again!)*

*Caveat every SEN child is different etc but sometimes the above can be true

Sounds like your senco likes to put parents off applying, my sons school senco was the same. Couldn’t even be bothered to do SEN plans, i bypassed her and did the echp request myself and it was accepted & awarded within twenty weeks. Some sencos are just lazy.

@RoseField1yeah and the adult is in crisis. She wants to drive off and leave her child I’d say that qualifies. Plus they’ll be able to
link up with children’s services.

OP NHS 24 could be a good call to get directed to the right people

Also just to throw it out there @breakingpoint3222 the crisis line has been helpful for me at times NHS 111 option 2

Hi, I’m very sorry to hear of your very difficult and challenging situation which must be fraught with anxiety frustration and sadness too. You obviously love your daughter very much or you wouldn’t be reaching out for advice here. It looks like you have tried may things and possibly your daughter has some behavioural problems that you are not getting the correct support for. Your GP should be giving you the advice to get some kind of tests done for ADHD etc, if you have not done so already.
Managing Home cooked meals as a single mum with another child and the problems you currently face is admirable. However, I would maybe start to try batch cook if you can and freeze so you can just take from freezer and save time on some hectic frenzied days. This gives you a bit breathing space, when it all gets too much but at least you can still provide nourishing meals quickly easily having been there done that myself.

I have engaged nutritionists homeopaths and herbalists in the past and there are some really good people out there who can give you and your daughter some support and just rule out any deficiencies or ingredients that do not agree with her. You can also try CBT or NLP especially equipped to deal with small children. She is still acutely young at just six years old. If I were you I’d most definitely be trying to seek out alternative treatments and therapies if affordable. You likely have a beautiful daughter there just needing the right support from external providers of care to get her where she needs to be. It should not be handled aggressively but thoughtfully. The unfortunate case with traditional therapy sometimes is that they can be just prescribed heavy pharmaceuticals masking the symptoms and not the root cause. Before reaching out to psychiatrists etc therefore I’d try the alternative method if you can.

At home try create 1-1 moments with just you and her together like scrap book making or other nice arty stuff to draw how she feels. Let her lead and show you in pictures how she feels. It’s work you can take with you later to a therapist to discuss. Children’s worlds are complex and they often do not understand they cannot reason like adults until at least 18 even then you will be challenged as the front cortex for reasoning are not fully developed until around mid 20s. If you do manage 1-1 time you must end the situation calmly if she bites you or any other unacceptable behaviour and you can let her know you love her but can’t accept that behaviour and will resume again another day when she is feeling more calm and maybe she needs a little rest or jump on bout trampoline etc to burn up energy. (Always good idea) Consider teaching her personal space and respecting others which is arm distance. An alternative school like Steiner is also good if you can afford it and one is local to you? Some or all this might not work of course because you do not know the underlying situation but hang in there until you find out - you can also use calming lavender oil in burners if not insensitive to it around the house and minimise devices scourge of the universe imo and maybe try sit down read stories together. I’d also limit junk food if you know it makes her worse and encourage fruits or getting her involved in making nice healthy snacks like cacao powder and blended dates - rolled in coconut etc - let her get creative! If it all gets too much and I think you are now feeling burnt out and left with no support - remember to look after yourself MUM and get a nice bath or a glass of wine and tv of fave program to unwind and chill its important that you take care of your own wellbeing too and nourish yourself with good foods to be energised and try focus on the positives eg she can be a loving and affectionate child. We bring our children in to the world and sometimes it is sheer hard work fraught with misery some days but it honestly does get brighter as they grow up to be beautiful wonderful adults ! You are doing a fantastic job , and I hope you get all the support you need - don’t give up - there is help out there! if I were you I’d be quite insistent upon getting it too from those who can assist you eg GP first port of call but don’t reject ideas of alternative therapy. Much love to you all.

Made tea. Thrown it on the floor. Pushed her brother off his chair. I gave her no command or nothing. Just placed it on the table. Ive ordered some melatonin online.

Then she’s going to bed hungry, do not cook anything else. If she’s starving later just offer some toast. Good job ordering the melatonin hopefully it will really help.