My daughter spends excessively on dad, but not me.

[Mammalys]

Sounds pretty and jealous right. Im actually not jealous, im just trying to understand why and I cant work out if its because she simply dislikes me.

My daughter is 19. She moved out to live with her dad, I left him when she was 10. The break up was hard on her. Her dad accused me of cheating which i didnt and cried to her and our friends. I tried to protect her by not doing the same. She hated me for a bit. Especially when I started seeing someone else 4 yrs later. She has always been ok eith her dad having various girlfriends. Actually she likes them. Her dad and I get along fine these days and coparent without drama. We are even on friendly terms. We have 50/50 care of the kids without dragging through court. When my daughter moved out it was apparent she wasn't coming back and I felt a little hurt. I asked her why and she said its just a busy household with 2 other younger siblings here and she wanted to feel more adult, in a quieter house. I accepted this and we seem to have a good relationship. She turns up to stay after a big night out but thats it. She comes running to me to fix her problems, she asks me for advice all the time, she even asks me for sex advice.

The thing is I have notice a huge disparity on the effort she will make for her dad vs me. For christmas she told me she bought him a $600 go pro. I was looking at my candle that was at most $20 saying oh that was nice of you.

For his birthday she made him a cake, booked dinner out for him and paid for the whole family. Cost her more than $400.

Just before my FORTIETH birthday.. the week prior I rushed to another city to rescue her after she had tried to move away and the new job wasn't what they promised. I flew there and drove her home in her little car. The following week, no effort whatsoever for my big birthday. No card, no gift. I was actually so hurt.

I did tell her I was upset about the lack of effort. I told her it hurts. I also said its not about the value, its about the effort to show someone you care about them. She apologised.

Next birthday she books me lunch out amd presents me with cardboard that has chocolates stuck on it. I said thank you and we paid for our meal and had a nice lunch. I ended up paying for her lunch too.

Mothers day she booked me dinner. Then we paid for it all. She gave me a vagina candle.

She tells me tonight shes going to surprise her dad for his upcoming 49th birthday with a trip to Italy. He always wanted to go there.

I am gobsmacked. These are just a few examples. I cant work out if I am being ridiculous in comparing here because it hurts to sit here and repeatedly be here for whatever she needs and pay for things anytime.. and yet this is how it is.

I dont want her to buy me a trip to Italy. I just want to feel like she cares for me. When I try to speak to her she fobs me off. She skips up to me, hugs me and declares "mummy hugs". She does everything to indicate that we are close... but then theres this?? What is this?? I

I have spent so much on her birthdays.. last one I bought her a trip to Sydney, it cost me $4000 and we had 4 days together.

@Mammalys Read your update. So you are the scapegoat for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. I wouldn't put up with that. Why doesn't she move to her dad's? Don't let her treat you like shit. She only does it because she gets away with it.

This OP

She does live with her dad and has done for a year, before that her dad and I had 50/50 care of her.

We had a very long discussion last night, I told her she would be coming over to discuss in person and I wouldn't communicate via messages about this.

I told her to go first, to discuss her traumas and then we could go from there. She vented for about 10 minutes about the phone smashing and why dont I go to the extremes to monitor her brother like I did to her.
I asked several times, while we are here discussing your traumas what are the other traumas. We may as well discuss everything I've failed at as a mother so we can move on. She said that was it. Just the one.

So we went over in detail, why I monitored and destroyed her phone when she was 12. I went over my own trauma where my parents did not protect me from paedophiles, that my goal was to prevent her from actual harm from old men.

Her brother is 14 and spends all his screen time playing flight simulator and chatting to his best friend. I've checked on him several times and I am not concerned about him.

She felt pretty stupid after and cried, and apologised. Then asked if we can go to the movies today and spend more time as a family because she has been wasting time being hateful when she should "value the time we have left because one day my mum wont be here". (I'm 41).

I went over that anytime she was sick, I stayed home from work. I confronted bullies at school for her. I stood up for her when her first boss tried to half her wages. I flew to her and drove her the 7 hrs home when she was in crisis. Her life has not been so bad.

Overall it has been very draining and the conclusion is that she gets jealous of her brother and she's extremely immature for her age. Clearly a lack of hardship brings entitlement. Something most of us wernt so lucky to enjoy in our own childhoods.

Even though the issue has been acknowledged and discussed I am taking a step back and some time out from her.

I'm not a perfect parent but I havnt been a terrible parent either. So I'm going to choose myself for a bit and leave her to be the 'adult' she wants to be. So we did not go to the movies today. Makes me feel guilty but I'm assuming she would have presumed everything is on me to buy her again, and I am tired of being used when it suits her.

I'm sure living with her dad means he's probably dropping a few inflammatory statements here and there too. That sucks but out of my control.

Thanks for listening..

Get some family therapy. It will be worth it.
I think withdrawing your love and attention when she’s been honest about her (misplaced) feelings is likely to damage your relationship further.

QUOTE
She felt pretty stupid after and cried, and apologised. Then asked if we can go to the movies today and spend more time as a family because she has been wasting time being hateful when she should "value the time we have left because one day my mum wont be here". (I'm 41).

So we did not go to the movies today. Makes me feel guilty but I'm assuming she would have presumed everything is on me to buy her again, and I am tired of being used when it suits her.

So, this grown Adult (who pays for a full holiday to Italy for her dear dad) wanted to go to the Movies with you, and you assume you will end up paying for everything.
WHY??
And if this is actually the case, then it still seems pretty one sided to me.

Because even this whole scenario of last night is her manipulating the situation into tears and feel sorry for me stuff. I need a break.

a lack of hardship brings entitlement.

@Mammalys I actually think you've been "too good" to her. My children have been sheltered and they have gotten way more than I ever had but they are not entitled. Why? Because if I notice that they don't appreciate things or become blasé then I read them the riot act and scale back.

I'm a little baffled by the lack of attention to a young girl messaging old creepy men. There is absolutely damage and trauma there. This kind of thing doesn't happen in a vacuum.

I feel like it's almost been framed like a young girl was actively choosing to talk with adult men knowing it was dangerous. The child is always the victim in this scenario.

From her perspective, she was punished and had her privacy violated for being preyed upon. Yes OP was right to put a stop to it, but as a young girl she absolutely did not see it that way. She did NOT understand the dynamics of those "relationships" no matter how much it was explained to her. I know this because I was a victim of childhood sex trafficking. I didn't understand the horror of this until I was in my 30's.

OPs latest updates give away the true nature of the relationship. The lack of compassion is astounding. This is how men get away with what they get away with. We blame everyone (including children) but them for the things they are responsible for.

Maybe it's time to realize your young adult child is not perfect and will get things wrong and make selfish decisions. There's some underlying issues going on there that aren't easy to overcome alone. Trauma like that stunts emotional growth. You don't just turn 18 and suddenly grow and change into a fully responsible adult.

It also explains the inappropriately expensive gifts to her father. That shit changes how you see men in general.

She's in pain and shouldn't be trashed online by anyone including her own parent. Some of the comments are disgusting and lack empathy.

But her daughter’s actions are very hurtful!

This. Some are making excuses for the daughter, who comes across as selfish and unfeeling to me .

"She's in pain and shouldn't be trashed online by anyone including her own parent. Some of the comments are disgusting and lack empathy".

None of the comments lack empathy, they are all done out of kindness and empathy for the OP. She is the one that has reached out for advice, help, and to perhaps gain advice from mumsnet.

The Mum is at her wits end and has protected her all her life from the very traumatic and horribly tragic situation that you went through. Thanks to Mum she was thankfully saved from that.
My heart goes out to you.💙

However, despite being saved and protected the adult daughter still is being unkind and entitled.
The empathy from me is with this poor harassed Mother who is at her wits end and does not deserve this treatment after all she has done for her daughter.

You're not a perfect mother and she's not a perfect daughter either. She spends more money on her dad because he has less money than you perhaps, gets less presents? Have you asked her? I don't think you can expect rewards for rescuing her etc, that's what any parent would do.
The parent who enforces boundaries will always be seen as the less appealing one I think, and that's you, if her dad didn't really intervene much when she was a child.

Woah... what!?

Are you projecting your own trauma here to relate to a girl who has not had the same experience as you have? What you have been through is obviously really really horrendous. My daughter has not been molested, raped or preyed on in person, I have checked on this fact many times. She says the only event that occurred was her sitting at a bus stop and a teenager put his hand on her leg.

I am bewildered by the events going on and I have reflected and analysed my parenting to the point of exhaustion. I love my kids with a fierceness that I can't even describe.

The statements you make in your post are kind of going nowhere without advice or suggestions on what 'should have' been done or what the fix was to all of this. Please feel free to give advice.

Hiya, from the age of 10 when i left the kids lived with me at their dads request. He left the state so it was just myself and the kids, I had no family at all to help. Obviously the kids wanted to see their dad so I arranged every school holidays for them to fly to him. We didnt go through court. We didnt go through the child support agency, we made a mutual agreement that he'd contribute $200 a week. I didnt want it to get messy for the kids sake. My ex kept saying he wanted the kids to live with him and saying this to the kids. At the time he was bouncing around between his mum, sister and friends. Essentially couch surfing. I said to him I cant consider until he has a home because the kids need stability and a school in one place, not moving around the state.
Eventually he set himself up in a town and requested again for the kids. I couldn't bear to be without them and she was excited that the opportunity had come that she could live with dad too. So I moved state. For the kids. So we could have 50/50 care. She was 14 by then and thats what we did until she was 18.
She always knew that she could choose to live with whatever parent she wanted.
After she turned 18 she moved to dads permanently. I asked her why. She just said our house is busy nd chaotic with the other kids and us working/doing school drop offs and she preferred the quiet at dads because it was just them. My son still goes between our houses with 50/50 care and seems to be quite happy.

I think it's very easy (both for you and her) to underestimate the negative emotional impact of having to share your life and home with step-siblings and a stepfather. The more we take it for granted, the more repressed & troublesome deeply buried reactions can be. What to the parent can be just reasonably getting on with your life and fulfilling your adult needs can be unconsciously felt by the child to be bold selfishness.

This may be the case too. I don't doubt it would be difficult accepting another man in the house when your dad is sad.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Out of everything posted this makes the most sense. You are spot on... I have kept my pain and struggles from her because its not her job to help her mum. on the outside it appears that I'm strong and capable and have moved right along with life. She did even say to me many years ago that the hardest thing about the breakup was having to 'be the parent' to an adult. Yet here we are.

I am guessing that time and age will fix this?
I have not brought up the gifts or spending to her because to put it to her that way makes me sound bitter and jealous. And she does get to choose what she does with her money without having to justify to someone.

It is reassuring to have a reason that makes logical sense. This will help to fuel me onwards and allow me to have a relationship with her without feeling hurt by that part. Thank you!

I am going to put boundaries in place and expectations that she pay her own way though. She is nearly 20, working full time, has savings in the bank and pays half her dads rent. If she were stuck or in trouble, or even struggling for money I'd may for meals in a heartbeat. But I dont wish to feel like the cash cow in a relationship of convenience.

Thank you x

I feel for you OP - you've done everything right here. Would your ex be receptive to a conversation about not leaning on dd or accepting such expensive presents? He sounds like a total manchild! I think if you could get dd into therapy that could be really helpful in unpicking all of this.

Well done for stepping back. You can love her without being her punch bag! She needs to take responsibility here and if she's serious about moving forward, she needs to do some work!