My daughter spends excessively on dad, but not me.

[Mammalys]

Sounds pretty and jealous right. Im actually not jealous, im just trying to understand why and I cant work out if its because she simply dislikes me.

My daughter is 19. She moved out to live with her dad, I left him when she was 10. The break up was hard on her. Her dad accused me of cheating which i didnt and cried to her and our friends. I tried to protect her by not doing the same. She hated me for a bit. Especially when I started seeing someone else 4 yrs later. She has always been ok eith her dad having various girlfriends. Actually she likes them. Her dad and I get along fine these days and coparent without drama. We are even on friendly terms. We have 50/50 care of the kids without dragging through court. When my daughter moved out it was apparent she wasn't coming back and I felt a little hurt. I asked her why and she said its just a busy household with 2 other younger siblings here and she wanted to feel more adult, in a quieter house. I accepted this and we seem to have a good relationship. She turns up to stay after a big night out but thats it. She comes running to me to fix her problems, she asks me for advice all the time, she even asks me for sex advice.

The thing is I have notice a huge disparity on the effort she will make for her dad vs me. For christmas she told me she bought him a $600 go pro. I was looking at my candle that was at most $20 saying oh that was nice of you.

For his birthday she made him a cake, booked dinner out for him and paid for the whole family. Cost her more than $400.

Just before my FORTIETH birthday.. the week prior I rushed to another city to rescue her after she had tried to move away and the new job wasn't what they promised. I flew there and drove her home in her little car. The following week, no effort whatsoever for my big birthday. No card, no gift. I was actually so hurt.

I did tell her I was upset about the lack of effort. I told her it hurts. I also said its not about the value, its about the effort to show someone you care about them. She apologised.

Next birthday she books me lunch out amd presents me with cardboard that has chocolates stuck on it. I said thank you and we paid for our meal and had a nice lunch. I ended up paying for her lunch too.

Mothers day she booked me dinner. Then we paid for it all. She gave me a vagina candle.

She tells me tonight shes going to surprise her dad for his upcoming 49th birthday with a trip to Italy. He always wanted to go there.

I am gobsmacked. These are just a few examples. I cant work out if I am being ridiculous in comparing here because it hurts to sit here and repeatedly be here for whatever she needs and pay for things anytime.. and yet this is how it is.

I dont want her to buy me a trip to Italy. I just want to feel like she cares for me. When I try to speak to her she fobs me off. She skips up to me, hugs me and declares "mummy hugs". She does everything to indicate that we are close... but then theres this?? What is this?? I

I have spent so much on her birthdays.. last one I bought her a trip to Sydney, it cost me $4000 and we had 4 days together.

She called you when she needed help not her dad. She knows you’ll come. Not saying her dad wouldn’t but she’s maybe more unsure of him. Same with the gifts

Unless you and dad have very different lifestyles and she's trying to keep up with his in front of him.........

She knows you have her back, she has your unconditional love. She's still trying to buy it from her dad.

Don't confuse money with love.

Your daughter came to you when it mattered. That says it all really. Fuck the presents.

I agree that she doesn't feel she needs to impress or win you over, you're her safe space- and that's the mark of a much stronger relationship. But she's a (young) adult now and I think it's fair for you to tell her that a lack of effort from her is hurtful. I wouldn't compare to her gifts for dad, but just say that you're hurt that she put so little effort in for you. How do you get to the point you pay for the meal? Do you offer, or does she actively ask you to pay?

She's taking you for granted and she respects her dad. Probably loves you both.

Unfortunately your daughter is a user.

I know it's hard to hear that about your child. But logically, all people with bad personality features - from minor to major - are someone's children.

I would be hurt by this too. It's a pity you can't just say What?? I got a vagina candle and he gets a trip to Italy but no, we have to pussyfoot around them incase we hurt THEIR feelings even though its ok for her to hurt yours. I can't believe she hasn't thought its bad herself.

It's sounds like she feels safe with you and feels the need to impress him?

I havnt said it outright because it sounds jealous. I am totally not, I just want to understand why.

I make more money than my ex husband, would it be because she sees it as unfair that her dad earns less?

He has done so little for her... her 18th birthday he bought her ugg boots 2 weeks after the birthday. Other than that his decisions revolve around himself.

She lived with her dad and is close to both of you, perhaps because they lived together she feels her dad needs her more than you do and is looking after him and making him feel wanted by buying him things. What do the siblings buy you and their dad? Has it split down the lines of who lived with who?

She feels secure in your love for her, she doesn't in her dads. It's so sad I think. Daddy issues end up showing up in your relationships.

It may be that she thinks he 'needs' these things more. But it sounds like she just knows on some level he isn't that bothered about her - she may fear how stable her being able to live with him is - and she is trying to please/impress him.

I think it's fine to bring it up, again not as a comparison but more as a 'do you really think dad wants you to spend all this money on him?'. A trip to Italy from (I'm guessing) the US is a really extravagant gift from a 19 year old living at home and I think it's ok to point out that this seems like a weird use of her money, and to reassure her that she doesn't need to do this.

Ugh i'd just leave her to it, hopefully she will grow out of it. Dont pay it any attention and make sure you're treating all kids the same

Isn't there a fallacy that girls identify with their dad's and mock their mums, only to become the mum - something like that

As pp have said, this is part of being the reliable parent x

She's trying to buy his love and approval. My niece displayed similar behaviour years ago when in their teens/early 20s. Dad was a deadbeat but I could see my niece almost reverting to being the young child who couldn't understand why her dad wasn't around and didn't show her love. She tried again and again to impress him and force him to see what a great person she is. It was heartbreaking to watch but she had to work it out for herself which she did in the end. It's infuriating, but she'll come back to you, as others have said, you're her safe option.

I think she just feels she doesn't have to impress you or buy expensive gifts to make you love her. I think your hurt is more to do with the amount of thought rather than the cost, can you explain that again to her? Why don't you let her pay if she has booked a restaurant for a meal out?

Has he remarried? The money side of things might be in her thoughts.

It sounds like though you are very generous to her and just wouldn't think twice about picking up the bill when you do go out.

Would your ex organise a birthday trip for himself or a meal out? I do think sometimes these things are more complicated than having a favourite parent.

She is trying to buy his love. And feels secure that she already has your love.

Yep. She's not secure in his love for her. Being taken for granted hurts and it's absolutely OK to say so but try and keep her treatment of her Dad separate from her missing your birthday altogether. The way she treats you is normal young person thoughtlessness. The ways she treats her dad is quite sad- I'm amazed he takes such expensive gifts from her and doesn't tell her he'd rather she didn't!

Your daughter will realise and know the differences in financial values of the gifts she does and doesn’t give. She almost taunts you with them.
She still believes you broke up because were unfaithful.
She uses you when she needs something.
Next time she doesn’t get you something for a birthday ask her straight, face to face why not ?

And by the way she is 19. And shouldn’t behave as if she is 14.

She’s trying to buy his love , she knows she’s doesn’t have to do that with you , the love is there ..

I assume you are in Australia. I know that’s not the point of the thread, but how does a 19 year old afford to pay for a trip to take her father to Italy???

is there any chance she is making up some of this?

How does she have so much money at 19?

I also think she feels secure with you but is trying to buy his love.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It might be easier for me.to swallow that she is buying his love and feels safe with me.. she says she doesnt want to have her own children so I worry she will never understand my experience as a mother.

She has worked an after school job since the age of 14. I helped her open two accounts and showed her to save a portion of her wage. She has become good at saving money. She now works full time on minimum wage and has very little living expenses.

I bought a car before she got her licence and sold it to her for 3k to at least teach her the value of buying her own things. It was worth about double that but that was OK with me.

Dinners out she seems to sit with her siblings and revert to being a child. She doesnt get up to order her food or offer to pay. She just stays seated. Last time I asked if she would please buy me a dessert that we could share and she did happily.

We are in Australia. And yes a trip to Italy is ridiculous although I do believe she has saved the money for it. She doesnt have many friends and she has told me multiple times that I'm her best friend. Kind of just feel like thats the case when it suits.