My daughter spends excessively on dad, but not me.

[Mammalys]

Sounds pretty and jealous right. Im actually not jealous, im just trying to understand why and I cant work out if its because she simply dislikes me.

My daughter is 19. She moved out to live with her dad, I left him when she was 10. The break up was hard on her. Her dad accused me of cheating which i didnt and cried to her and our friends. I tried to protect her by not doing the same. She hated me for a bit. Especially when I started seeing someone else 4 yrs later. She has always been ok eith her dad having various girlfriends. Actually she likes them. Her dad and I get along fine these days and coparent without drama. We are even on friendly terms. We have 50/50 care of the kids without dragging through court. When my daughter moved out it was apparent she wasn't coming back and I felt a little hurt. I asked her why and she said its just a busy household with 2 other younger siblings here and she wanted to feel more adult, in a quieter house. I accepted this and we seem to have a good relationship. She turns up to stay after a big night out but thats it. She comes running to me to fix her problems, she asks me for advice all the time, she even asks me for sex advice.

The thing is I have notice a huge disparity on the effort she will make for her dad vs me. For christmas she told me she bought him a $600 go pro. I was looking at my candle that was at most $20 saying oh that was nice of you.

For his birthday she made him a cake, booked dinner out for him and paid for the whole family. Cost her more than $400.

Just before my FORTIETH birthday.. the week prior I rushed to another city to rescue her after she had tried to move away and the new job wasn't what they promised. I flew there and drove her home in her little car. The following week, no effort whatsoever for my big birthday. No card, no gift. I was actually so hurt.

I did tell her I was upset about the lack of effort. I told her it hurts. I also said its not about the value, its about the effort to show someone you care about them. She apologised.

Next birthday she books me lunch out amd presents me with cardboard that has chocolates stuck on it. I said thank you and we paid for our meal and had a nice lunch. I ended up paying for her lunch too.

Mothers day she booked me dinner. Then we paid for it all. She gave me a vagina candle.

She tells me tonight shes going to surprise her dad for his upcoming 49th birthday with a trip to Italy. He always wanted to go there.

I am gobsmacked. These are just a few examples. I cant work out if I am being ridiculous in comparing here because it hurts to sit here and repeatedly be here for whatever she needs and pay for things anytime.. and yet this is how it is.

I dont want her to buy me a trip to Italy. I just want to feel like she cares for me. When I try to speak to her she fobs me off. She skips up to me, hugs me and declares "mummy hugs". She does everything to indicate that we are close... but then theres this?? What is this?? I

I have spent so much on her birthdays.. last one I bought her a trip to Sydney, it cost me $4000 and we had 4 days together.

I wonder though if you’re paying for your other children’s dinners that she just assumes you will pay for her too. My daughter is nearly 19yrs and I can’t imagine going out for dinner with my kids age just paying for one.

That was my thought.

I have a complicated relationship with my mother and used to spend lavishly on her in order to try and assuage my guilt and confusion over my mixed feelings for her.

The others are 14 and 16. She's heading toward being 20 yrs old, not studying and working full time. When I was 20 I was married and independently living on my own, I didnt ask anything from my parents.
I pay plenty of times for dinner, but when she has arranged it for my birthday or mother's day and hasn't made any other effort I would think she would at least pay her own way?

Look I'm not saying your doing anything wrong, maybe just a miscommunication issue - have you said to her ahead of family dinners she should pay? Or is she just following what you have always done which is pay for them all?
And as for you being married at 20yrs, that is just not the expectation for young adults these days. Many wouldn't dream of getting married so young these days and are still living at home due to the rising cost of living.

I think actually spending that sort of money on a parent says a lot about how unhealthy their relationship is. It isn’t at all normal behaviour and he should have put a stop to it a long time ago. She knows she doesn’t have to buy your love. At 20, no way would I expect my dd to buy me dinner, even on Mother’s Day. Okay, fine if she offered and it wasn’t expensive. But time together would be enough.

Anyone saying this isn't downright disrespectful and wrong are lying.

She might just feel sorry for her dad? I know I did very much for my dad after my parents divorced because he was so helpless. I felt maternal towards him even though I was just 11 years old! Do you think that might explain it?

I get it. My adult DC both spend Christmas and birthdays with their father. He gets cards and presents for father’s day, birthday and Christmas. I get nothing. Not even a card. Very occasionally one or the other will remember to send me a fb message but it’s often an afterthought and late at night. I see my DD once very couple of months and pay for dinner or lunch despite her earning way more than me. Their father was abusive and they remember but seem to have him on some kind of pedestal. I don’t get it! 🤷‍♀️

Maybe she's trying to buy her father's continued goodwill, maybe she feels it's conditional whereas she knows she can trust and rely on you without the need for grand gestures, not saying that makes it right and I would be as upset as you are, yanbu

Thank you for the input, it is helpful. I was hoping insight would help to ease the feeling this creates but I guess if we dont have an open discussion it'll always be a guessing game.

As for the paying for dinner thing.. if its a special occasion that she booked for me I'd expect some kind of gesture.. not a grand gesture but something at least.

Wages in Australia are decent. She is on $32 an hour waitressing. We dont tip in aus, the employer pays the full wage. She has way more savings than I do. I never ask for anything at all other than to feel cared for on special occasions.

And yes her dad cries poor all the time but wastes his money on motorbikes and cars. He asks to borrow money from her all the time. He has been the victim for the last 10 years in all this. He works week on, week off. Earns great money. Has a lovely gf that I really like and is good to our kids. He is polite to me but has always felt sorry for himself because I left. I begged him to 2 years to be present and an active part of mine and the kids life before I left. He's generally a nice enough person, just not suited to being a husband. He lived the life of a single man while married to me for 14 years.

I'll keep it brief with this question.

Why the hell is she constantly telling you how much she spends on her Dad, while openly spending the exact meagre opposite on you (and rubbing your nose in it) so that you are totally aware of the excessive difference?

This is not a nice person..

My first thought is that if she can easily afford it - she's not going short or unreasonably curtailing her own lifestyle to buy things for her dad - I'd try to stop making comparisons and leave her to it. Honestly, she does not have to be telling you all this detail - yes, you probably have to know that she's going to Italy with her dad, but that's enough. I might consider telling her that while you know her dad's a big important part of her life, he's part of your past and not a very pleasant part and you don't really want to discuss him in detail.

But if she can afford to take her dad to Italy, she can afford to take you out to lunch AND pay for you (and arguably her siblings if she wants them along, assuming they have no way to contribute). This isn't asking a lot, it's just observing the normal logic of treating someone for a special occasion. I might be just assuming she'll pay next time, and wait it out to see if she does.

If she IS scrimping and cutting corners everywhere else to treat her dad, could you try asking her about it in a cautious, open-minded way - like you might if she were constantly spending a lot of money on a friend or boyfriend who's in a much better financial position than her?

It’s ridiculous for a teen to be spending that sort of money on gifts for a parent. A trip to Italy? FFS I’d be embarrassed to accept if I were her dad. I don’t know what to say about the disparity between how she treats you vs him because the gifts to him are just so wildly inappropriate anyway. (Although obviously it isn’t just about the money, and of course it would hurt to not even have your birthday acknowledged.)

She may be on good wages and easily able to afford these gifts but surely you have conversations about saving the money for a house, paying for further education (or is she just going to be a waitress her whole life?), etc. Wasting her money on excessive presents for a parent isn’t what she should be doing with it.