Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

Agree with this.
Both my kids went to uni in Sept 2025.
Their dad and I split up and co parented. We both give them a bit of money each month at uni. They use my income for student finance assessment (they can choose either parent if 50/50) and as a result get more loan (more to re-pay) than if they had used their dad's
However, I agree they should work too (DD does, DS doesn't !)

You shouldn’t be forced into paying the same amount. Pick an amount and send monthly. Given the loan is based on other parent’s salary, it’s actually on them to contribute. Yes you should contribute, but don’t be forced into a specific amount.

I may have missed it but I haven't read that exactly. They have just said they don't want to be used as an ATM.

CMS is usually well under the true cost of 50 percent of raising a child so you’ve probably already failed to support your child financially properly (and at £400-500 a month vs an average cost to raise a teen of about £16k p.a. including housing needs you are wildly off 50 percent). I imagine there is a good reason your eldest won’t see you more than 2-3 times a year.

Legally you can’t be forced to I don’t think. Morally the amounts they’ve asked for is way below what they probably need so if you can afford it you should (and by afford it - most good parents are willing to cut back on their “treats” to help their kids).

From 2015 to 2019.

Has that much changed in 7 years? And who sets that expectation?

My son’s rent for his final year in uni was £900 per month, for a pretty crappy room in a pretty crappy house, I paid his rent for him and he used his loan and some earnings from a pt job to live on
I think you are vastly underestimating how expensive it is

Was about to write 'first post nails it', but it looks like first 20+ posts nail it?

But the OP has stated that he can't afford to keep giving the amount that they have been giving up until now.
Also, thats a very entitled attitude to have towards your parents. Its their money and they don't have to give you anything past childhood. That's not the attitude I would take personally but I also want my children to learn that in order to succeed in life, they will need to work bloody hard and not rely on handouts. I know too many entitled young adults who just expect the bank of mum and dad to keep bailing them out without taking full responsibility for their own lives.

If they stop supporting their child, while earning enough to mean they get no extra financial support from elsewhere, that is terrible.

He won't!

Have you checked a parental contribution calculator for students?

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/

https://www.savethestudent.org/parentcontribution/

You're looking at this completely wrong. It's not "I can't afford to support my kid through uni because I need a bigger mortgage" its "I can't afford a bigger mortgage because my kid is going to uni, and I need to support them".

Despite what some here will say, no kid is cutting off their parent for fun or on a whim, but you don't seem willing to look at what you did to cause their distance from you. You are the adult who chose to have a child, that kid has no obligation to be who you want them to in order for you to support them. This "treated like an ATM nonsense" is just you parroting some lame deadbeat deflection, and it's embarrassing.

Get therapy and look at what you've done to get into a situation where you're genuinely trying to punish your own child for not liking you.

What isn’t ridiculous?

I contribute the difference between min (awarded) loan and max - for my child in London this is roughly £585/month. On top she has a barely used bedroom at home but eats household food and uses utilities when she visits.
For a child out of London it’s closer to £400.

What is a non ridiculous amount? Does your child get full loan? Can your child live with you in your big new house during holidays so her other parent doesn’t have to shoulder that burden themselves? What are you basing your contribution on? Do you just object in principle and think at 18 they shouldn’t expect a bean?

Well aren't you just a gem of a parent?!

Does your responsibility to your child end the day they turn 18? No wonder with this sort of attitude they want little to do with you. Who can blame them.

Sounds like you're busy punishing your ex and weaponising your child. Dick move if you ever want to have any form of relationship in the future - you know, as they mature and can build a more stable relationship with you.

You sound like arrogant, spiteful arse. If you don't help I think you'll reap what you sow.

Your ignorance is crazy.

Not every course enables working part time. On mine, one or two just about managed it in the first year but then had to quit. In the 2nd and 3rd year - impossible. We had to be on-site 5 days a week, 8 hrs every day at the very minimum.

Often, our workload meant we were working and coming in 6 days week, totalling around 70 hours. The very little time we had on Sunday we devoted to housework and doing basic things like washing and gathering our energy for another intense week.

That’s very sensible advice. Thank you.

YABVVVU

Why has your eldest reduced contact?

Agree with the last paragraph, they need to understand that all relationships are a two way street.

Based on OP’s comments I’m not at all surprised their child wants little/nothing to do with them.

Yes and it’s likely some support which is affordable will be provided. However the deans for CMS to be maintained is unreasonable. I think the idea someone else mentioned of assessing the shortfall btn loans and costs and then paying half of the shortfall if affordable is perhaps the way forward.

I think the affordability probably has changed.

In 2015 a quick Google tells me the difference between mine and max student maintenance loan outside London living away was less than £2000. It's now £5.5k, and even more significantly I believe loans have not kept pace with rent increases. Compound those 2 together and it's much, much harder for a student today to cover their own costs by working alongside their studies, if they only get a minimum loan.

Not that they should have to - students with better off parents shouldn't have to work longer hours because of their parents' income. But I do think something has changed and it's harder than ever, especially for those doing full on courses like medicine & pharmacy.

Mine works very hard in the hols but doesn't earn enough to cover her rent alongside her full time studies.

OP - I'm not sure what sex you are, but some of your wording, especially about the ATM, reminds me a lot of posters who come on here to describe their husbands, or soon to be ex-husbands.

Reading their posts, it becomes clear that the men view their family not as one unit they're a part of and that they're devoted to, but as a separate entity, one that's a constant drain on them. It's like they think of themselves as innocent, hapless victims that are preyed upon, and they resentfully count every penny or every pound that leeches out of them to support their own damn children.

I think with many of those men, they find the impregnating part very fund and enjoy the fatherhood status that comes along with having children, but seem to be in perpetual shock and dismay that their children much be financially supported, out of their own hard-earned money!

I hope that isn't you.

Yabu.

This is wild. Parent/child relationships should in no way be a "two-way street" where the adult can behave badly and the kid must pretend its ok to get support for university (or school since it seems this has been going on for a while).

You have no idea if it's reasonable or not because you have no idea what loan your C will have and what their expenses will be. So you shouldn't be announcing it's far too much. It might not be enough. But you're clearly a grabby one.