Is this what people do with babies?

[ThisNimblePeer]

How do people manage to bring their kids up on no bedtime routine etc? Like, not following consistent naps for a baby? My SIL has a 3 yr old boy and a 4 month old baby and the poor bugger seems to just constantly be dragged around everywhere which i understand that’s life, shopping needs to be done etc but what im puzzled about is stuff like going to functions and staying there until 12am? The baby doesn’t sleep and has awful reflux and she and her mum just put it down to being a fussy, high needs baby but there is no structure to naps or a wind down at night for bedtime between say 7.30-9… the toddler is go go go all the time which I understand but why not protect the babies naps and bedtime? Is that just how it is? My partners family doesn’t understand why we protect our 9 month old naps so much and why we structure our life around him so much and honestly I often say and get quite angry about it, because how can you not? It’s a baby at the end of a day… I co sleep with my little guy and I’m super lucky he sleeps through the night with me. I’m strict on naps and haven’t even been to any baby classes yet as it clashes with his morning nap. Whenever we get asked to go out for dinner we get told the table is booked for 6 pm by partners family and we always say no, that’s when we eat and or do bath time then chill and play … I feel sometimes they perceive my way of parenting as something that isn’t right.

just want to clarify I’m not moaning I’m just genuinely puzzled 😂

I doubt we evolved to have protected nap times, babies would just be slung on someone's back and get on with life.

I personally liked a set naptime because I liked the break and better night time sleep but I don't think a routine is morally superior.

I have 4DC lots of routine and planned sleeps for all mine. However the one with silent reflux only ever slept 11pm ish to 6am ish from 4 weeks old. It was hell. Perhaps she has a baby like that?

I’m not convinced my baby slept she passed out for 6/7 hours from sheer exhaustion.

Is your SIL a SAHM? I think that having to go to work or do the school run the next day helps establish a routine because it involves getting up at a certain time to get to work or school on time.

You do you, SIL can do her own thing. But I would be annoyed at any commenting about what you can and cannot attend. I was more like you and liked the routine.

Because all children are different and there is no 'right' way to parent.

I parent like you but one of mine also had reflux and it is utter hell the relentless battle to stick to the routine was soul destroying so I can understand just sacking it and trying to find some joy in life instead as you’re going to be extremely tired either way. Let them get on with their lives and you get on with yours.

Baby can sleep in the pram, carrier, car. Your life sounds quite boring. You can't even go to baby classes. I make sure DS has the possibility of napping, but that means taking a pushchair if we're going to be somewhere all day, not just not going anywhere.

We have a "bedtime routine" but no one's going to die if we stay up late at a family party then put the kids straight to bed without a story once in a while.

I think raising a kid on a strict routine will just raise an adult that can't compromise or go with the flow and needs very specific conditions to sleep or do anything. Our kids go with the flow, the know the world isn't perfect and it doesn't revolve around them. They adapt and make do. I think they're good qualities to have.

Life is for living, prison is for adhering to strict schedules.

Single parent here. My DC is now a very laid back and easy going teenager.

If I had structured everything around his nap and mealtimes as a baby I'd never have got anything done - if I had to go shopping, he slept in his pram on the bus. If I was out at a mealtime, he would have his milk or lunch on the go.

I wasn't out partying until 12am to be fair but in all other settings I just carried on with his routine and I made it work wherever we were - he didn't go without naps or food just because I made these things happen outside the house.

It's fine OP, everyone does this differently. Don't worry too much about anyone who thinks you're doing it 'wrong' and don't judge your SIL either.

There's a balance. It sounds like you're too restrictive (saying no to lots of activities because they clash with the nap) and maybe your SIL could do with a bit more routine.

But the 12am thing was presumably a one-off due to something particular like a wedding. Whereas you saying no to activities sounds more daily. So I'd say your SIL is possibly closer to achieving a good balance than you are.

I think it's a bit silly to blame a baby's reflux on the mum's routine but it seems voguish to blame mums for everything

I never had a routine with mine, and in fact, I've never really had a routine at all since leaving uni because I'm self-employed and I can do what I want when I want to a large extent. So I'm used to winging things.

Going with the flow worked for me because I could do more stuff, and I was less stressed out if the baby didn't sleep at X time. I think it's just whatever works for you, and there is no right or wrong.

There are two extremes and everything else in the middle.

TBH, your approach is verging on the extreme - the best thing about a baby is the flexibility they bring by napping anywhere. It gets harder as they get older.

I can’t remember at what age a proper routine was implemented with mine but it wasn’t in the first few months. At that age they just eat and sleep on demand. I remember taking my baby to a family party and just letting her sleep in her pram.

I do think as they get older it’s important to have a regular nap time and bedtime routine both for them and for the parents! But at 4 months I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely necessary yet.

I don’t really understand what you mean by protected naps. Do you mean that they’re had at the same time/place each day? My baby will sleep in bed next to me, in my arms, in the baby carrier, in the pram, and in the car. (Not in a cot or separate sleep space yet.) So, I can very much get on with lots of things and take her to lots of places while knowing she will still nap as and when she needs to. We are always at home in good time for a bedtime wind-down, but bedtime is any time from about 19:00-20:45 at the moment - simply based on how active she wants to be before giving in to her nighttime sleep. But if she wouldn’t nap anywhere other than at home then I would try to make sure she got naps there as much as she needed, if that’s what it means to have protected naps. I think like anything it must depend a lot on the baby and the family as a unit? For example I equally don’t understand the whole wake windows thing 🤷‍♀️

Thanks everyone for your replies. I was just genuinely curious.

The obsession with timed naps is a fairly new thing. In past times, and nowadays in many parts of the world, babies fall asleep when they're tired, or are put to sleep when they start grumbling. I don't understand parents who let their lives revolve around their babies' nap times, to the point that they don't go out at certain times because the baby should be asleep in their cot. Life with a baby is hard enough, no point in making it even harder by being a slave to naps.

I couldn’t handle such a military regime. I preferred a flexible approach the allowed me to get out and about.

So what I mean is go by what the baby that age should be sleeping, following sleepy cues etc not just forcing things like going out when not completely necessary around lots of noise people etc all the time.

How many functions till 12am has a 4 month old baby been to??

It’s just different to you and people probably don’t understand why you are not able to be out at times when other people would be ok with it. No one should be criticising you for it though. In the same way that you blaming the reflux or anything else on your SIL and her partner’s parenting style wouldn’t be ok.

When you have an older child you will end up having to take the baby around at times when it isn’t especially convenient. Like on the school run. It can’t be helped and you just try to work around it as best you can.

My daughter (who is now a lovely and very laid back 16-year-old) just had to slot around my life as a baby and sleep/eat in the pram on the go 🤷‍♀️

You sound quite tedious with your "protected nap time" 🙄

When you have older children, they matter too. Activities, school run, appointments, parents’ work. Babies usually just have to fit in.
I know we had far less time to be precious with the second child.

I would have to agree with you maybe at 4 months it’s not that necessary! I went to a wedding 5 weeks PP and my baby slept in the pram inbetween feeding and cuddles etc those were good old days

@ThisNimblePeer Ah right. Yes, I mean I haven’t had to make too many changes for my baby nap wise because like I say they will happily nap while out and about but I am quite strict with nighttime sleep and wouldn’t cart them along with me for a meal/family event just to show my face. If it’s working for you just keep doing it - don’t worry what they think!

I just love how a stranger on internet has to say my life sounds boring 😩😂 whoooops