Is this what people do with babies?

[ThisNimblePeer]

How do people manage to bring their kids up on no bedtime routine etc? Like, not following consistent naps for a baby? My SIL has a 3 yr old boy and a 4 month old baby and the poor bugger seems to just constantly be dragged around everywhere which i understand that’s life, shopping needs to be done etc but what im puzzled about is stuff like going to functions and staying there until 12am? The baby doesn’t sleep and has awful reflux and she and her mum just put it down to being a fussy, high needs baby but there is no structure to naps or a wind down at night for bedtime between say 7.30-9… the toddler is go go go all the time which I understand but why not protect the babies naps and bedtime? Is that just how it is? My partners family doesn’t understand why we protect our 9 month old naps so much and why we structure our life around him so much and honestly I often say and get quite angry about it, because how can you not? It’s a baby at the end of a day… I co sleep with my little guy and I’m super lucky he sleeps through the night with me. I’m strict on naps and haven’t even been to any baby classes yet as it clashes with his morning nap. Whenever we get asked to go out for dinner we get told the table is booked for 6 pm by partners family and we always say no, that’s when we eat and or do bath time then chill and play … I feel sometimes they perceive my way of parenting as something that isn’t right.

SIL Has two children. Once you have two children you need to balance the needs of two children and can’t just do what is best for one child.

This, I didn’t have routine nap times for any of my 4 at all. It worked for me.

OP I just want to commend you for being that rare thing nowadays of being someone who has had a baby and actually acknowledges it and happily adapts your life for that whilst your little one is so small! Too many of today's parents refuse to change an inch of their lives after having a kid! When I go travelling I'm sick of kids being in places that aren't for kids, toddlers screaming holocaust museums and art galleries down. I went to Seville at Easter, it's a place you go to admire architecture, palaces and cathedrals and yet there's was under 5s everywhere and grizzling and screaming because it's just not a holiday for small kids! Who enjoys that experience? The screaming child? The tourists who have to suffer the screaming even though they are in an adult orientated setting? The parents stuck with the screaming and people pissed off with them? Go to places designed for little kids where they'll be entertained and not ruin things for others.

I think on balance I’d rather stay up until midnight occasionally, than never accept a dinner invitation at 6pm! You need to find a bit more of a balance yourself I think OP, rather than worrying about your sister in law.

I do get it, I have liked a routine with both of mine, not least because they were terrible sleepers. But you don’t have to follow the routine every single day for it to have benefit. Never going out in the mornings must be quite lonely and dull, get out there and make the most of having a little one in spring, even if you just go out one morning a week while they nap on the go, and maybe accept a dinner invitation every month or two??

I feel the same. My dd is very clumsy and emotional when she’s overtired so I’m very keen to get her down before she gets to that point. Elsewhere in Europe I think kids are up late more routinely. I guess if you can make family life work, with more flexibility, then fantastic. But it wouldn’t work for us.

Routine would have made me stressed out. I had easygoing babies who would sleep wherever and I wasn't bothered about the idea of feeding to sleep being a "bad habit" so I was happy to feed them whenever wherever too. It worked for us. They grew out of feeding to sleep. However I do think it's easier once they get to the toddler stage if you have a rough structure to the day.

I don't think it makes any difference to their later personality how you manage their feeds and sleeping as a baby, if anything it's probably genetic or temperament related so parents who like a routine will be more likely to have more routine oriented kids later and parents who go with the flow might have the opposite but it's nature rather than nurture.

I was a routine mum. First nap was usually in car seat on the school run for about half an hour. I would always be out if the house in the mornings at some kind of activity/baby group. I would usually feed them lunch out change nappies before I left sing all the way home to keep them awake and talk nonsense. When I got home straight into bed for a two hour nap before picking the others up from school. That second nap always took place at home in their cots. I never messed with it it just wasn’t worth it they would be grumpy and definitely didn’t sleep as well at night.It also meant they were in good moods if it was an activity night for the older ones and they had to come too. Plus it gave me a couple of precious hours to myself. I had 6dc and 3 under 4 when the last one was born I think if I just winged it wouldn’t have survived 🤣

How did you manage naps times with your baby and toddler, OP?

I had a mat leave friend who would always throw out infuriating comments such as "you girls and your routines" whenever anyone mentioned leaving for their baby's nap or that we'd aim for a time suitable nap.

But she was also always complaining that she tried to take her daughter to classes and she was always falling asleep en route. And she was always leaving occasions because her daughter was fussy rather than shushing/comforting her (or making sure she arrived well napped!).

None of the rest of us were agonising over nap routines - we just responded to what seemed to suit our babies, and that was a reasonable nap routine, usually supported by us.

She seemed to think we were imposing these needs on the babies, and older generations also seemed to think we were martyring. But it never felt like martyrdom - just working as a team with the baby so that both of us had a nice day.

Not living your life around a nap schedule is really simple, I'm not sure why you struggle to get your head around it. I think you actually do know that but are trying to pass this off as confusion rather than judgement.
If you have a second child will the older one have to miss out on activities because you have to be home for babies nap time?
My babies naps were usually in the pram whilst we were out. I tried to stick to the same bed time routine but I would not miss a special function because it clashed with bed time.
Mine napped morning and afternoon before 1. There wouldn't be time for anything if I was tied to the house for every nap. I believe socialisation and fresh air is very important for babies as well as me, so I'd go to groups and they would sleep in the pram on the way home or when we got back. I remeber advice at prenatal classes actually being that the baby getting out for some fresh air will help them sleep better.

And if you’d chosen to leave at 8 or 9 that would have been fine. For you.
There’s no right or wrong way to deal with one off special events. Everyone just does what’s best for them and their family unit on that particular day.
it doesn’t make you a better parent for leaving early or them a better parent for staying. It just makes different people different parents dealing with different children.

You can't sit at home all day to protect nap time when you have other children who also have needs.

You've worded this in a very judgy way. Are you suggesting that he has reflux because he's not on a timetable? If you enjoy living this way then that's up to you. I definitely wouldn't have done. When my baby was tired, she slept. If we were out, she slept in her pram. When she was hungry, she ate. She was a content and healthy baby and is now a content and healthy child.

I was like you with my first OP. I genuinely thought all the missing out on things was worth it. It was not. Subsequent babies have shown me to relax with naps 😂 plus the older ones need to live their lives. It’s true that subsequent children just have to fit in with the rest. You don’t have anywhere near the same amount of time, opportunity and capacity to implement such a strict routine with ‘protected naps’. but if you have another please do come back to this thread!

At the risk of getting slapped down by all the people saying it's PFB behaviour, I wonder if PFB behaviour is why firstborns tend to have better outcomes than subsequent children?

As a fourth born child, I missed out on lots of things because the needs of the other three "needed to be balanced". It went on through my entire childhood and continued into adulthood, and it's not exactly a tale of admirable parenting, I promise you.

(Oh and can people STFU with "when" you have another one comments? The assumption that everyone will churn out babies after having one is very passe.)

You sound smug and definitely very judgy of your SIL despite you saying you’re ’just wondering’. Obviously crack on if a strict routine works for you but loads of people don’t bother with it, we didn’t with either of ours and they are/were fine. In five years time (or if you have a second) you’ll wonder why you obsessed over naps etc, makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.

You sound very judgemental and as others have said, you may look back and feel differently about this one day. Especially if you have another child.

I have one child (4yo). He was a terrible sleeper and I was OBSESSED with routines and his sleep in general for the first few months of his life. I would obsessively search online for the magic bullet to get him sleeping "normally" (lol) and like you, my life was planned around bedtime/naps, meaning I missed out on baby classes and social events.

I'm not quite sure what changed but around 6 months in I realised how unhappy I was and that I needed to get out of the house. Doing this involved letting go of my routine. It was the best thing I could have done for me and my son. Not only was I happier (happy mum = happy baby) but I quickly realised that trying to put my son to sleep at set times of day wasn't working for him either. Every day looked different and he was sleeping better in the day and at night as a result.

Now that isn't to say that some babies don't thrive on routines, but not all of them do (despite what the internet tells you). You parent the child you have, or in your SIL's case, the children you have.

I have one child and when he was a baby he just slept in his pram when we were out and about. I had PND/PNA so staying in would have made me worse

I think whatever people do depends on them, their baby and the situation. There isn’t a right answer.

You both sides like the extreme ends of the spectrum to be honest. You not doing baby classes or having dinner at 6! And her not having a bed time.

My kids had a rough routine. There are 3 of them so I couldn’t revolve life around naps. They sleepy on the go. Sometimes they slept a bit later. If I spotted them getting tired I’d walk around with a buggy or a sling and they’d go to sleep and then I’d get on with whatever I was doing. They slept through birthday parties in soft play… really anywhere.

I was fairly protective of bed time but I think it is good to strike a balance.

I have less than 2 years between my children. With my first I was really precious about nap times and bedtimes. My second slotted into family life and napped wherever we happened to be.

There was no noticeable difference between their overall sleep or happiness. If I could go back in time I would have been far more relaxed with my first born 🤷‍♀️

I don't understand people who live their lives "protecting" their children's naps and routines. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was fully prepared to begin a routine with my child but we never managed to fall into one. We always woke up at the same time each day but I could never predict when he'd sleep nor for how long and if I'd "protected" those naps we'd have had to cancel all sorts of pre-arranged events e.g meeting friends for coffee or baby groups etc. Instead, we just got on with life and he's a very happy, adaptable 2.5yr old now! We have a loose bedtime routine but it's mostly driven by him literally saying to us "I want to go to bed now" and disappearing upstairs.

Of course, I leave somewhere if he gets too tired and cranky but he can generally sleep anywhere (he fell asleep in the trolley in the supermarket last week) so we can go to weddings and family dinners etc knowing that he'll either join in happily or fall asleep on a lap/in the car on the way home.
Obviously, don't do this every week but I appreciate the flexibility we have!

Totally agree! When our first baby was born I'd never heard of 'routines', I'd had nothing to do with babies before then, I was puzzled at being constantly interrogated about 'do you have a routine established?', my reply was usually Today's routine is this, tomorrow's will probably different! and she was fine, slept well, fed well etc., we went about life as normally as we could! I was a SAHM because the luxury of paid maternity leave didn't exist, it was almost 50 years ago, so I didn't have to worry about getting to work etc.

If it works for you, go with it.Sleeping through the night, you must be doing something right!

I have a question, OP.

What do you think would happen if you went to a baby group that clashed with your baby’s naptime?

Would they not just fall asleep on the boob/in your arms/in the buggy/sling/car on the way home? What’s wrong with that?

I never put either of mine down to nap in a cot. Cot was for nighttime sleep only. It created a good separation between day and night.

Babies sleep very well in a buggy with the fresh air and sky above them, or close to mum’s chest in a sling, or as a PP said, in their grandparents arms.

The way you live your life sounds very sad and regimented. Has it occurred to you that your SIL who is more experienced might actually know better?

I fondly remember the baby massage classes with my second DD, where she immediately fell asleep and slept through every class. I had a cup of tea and a chat with the other mums. Your life sounds very isolated.

Your life sounds very boring! Your baby is going to struggle socially if you just stay home for naps all day. We never have any routine, mine always napped on the go. Because we want to actually enjoy our lives!