Is this what people do with babies?

[ThisNimblePeer]

How do people manage to bring their kids up on no bedtime routine etc? Like, not following consistent naps for a baby? My SIL has a 3 yr old boy and a 4 month old baby and the poor bugger seems to just constantly be dragged around everywhere which i understand that’s life, shopping needs to be done etc but what im puzzled about is stuff like going to functions and staying there until 12am? The baby doesn’t sleep and has awful reflux and she and her mum just put it down to being a fussy, high needs baby but there is no structure to naps or a wind down at night for bedtime between say 7.30-9… the toddler is go go go all the time which I understand but why not protect the babies naps and bedtime? Is that just how it is? My partners family doesn’t understand why we protect our 9 month old naps so much and why we structure our life around him so much and honestly I often say and get quite angry about it, because how can you not? It’s a baby at the end of a day… I co sleep with my little guy and I’m super lucky he sleeps through the night with me. I’m strict on naps and haven’t even been to any baby classes yet as it clashes with his morning nap. Whenever we get asked to go out for dinner we get told the table is booked for 6 pm by partners family and we always say no, that’s when we eat and or do bath time then chill and play … I feel sometimes they perceive my way of parenting as something that isn’t right.

In our case, because we have a baby who will sleep when she wants to (usually not very much) and no amount of structure or wind-down time etc. makes a jot of difference. Have tried schedules with her, she just ignores it. Sleeps only if she wants to.

She won't sleep in a cot, never has, so all her naps are in the buggy. She co-sleeps with me at night, wakes at least 2 or 3 times on the very best nights. An average night is 4 or 5 times, while often doing a split night. Until she was 13 or 14 months old she woke 7 or 8 times (she's 16 months now). I night weaned, and kept at it for months, and she just never 'got' it, was waking just as often, but was harder to get back to sleep (if at all) so went back to feeding overnight so that I could get more sleep.

If I sneak out of the bed after she's asleep she'll wake within the hour. It is not a case that I am waking her.

Her sleep is just atrocious. I wish I had a baby that responded to scheduling and slept in a cot etc. but I just don't, and there's nothing to be done about it (strong caveat that I don't want to change her, I just wish that she'd sleep a little better!).

Yes that sounds about right it must change dramatically.. I guess there’s no other way of doing it especially if there’s not much village around you

I didn’t have routines with mine-particularly the second one. He just tagged along. Worked really well. In my experience, trying to impose a regime is just more stress for everyone concerned.

Just mind though, op.

You are rejecting dinner invitations at 6pm - presumably you are thinking that this is just temporary and you will start accepting them when your dc is older.

But when? 2yo? 3yo? When will their bedtime routine be late enough, like 8pm, for you to accept dinner invitations at 6pm? And does that clock restart if you have a second child?

If you literally never make exceptions to your routine, then before you know it, it'll have been 5 years and the invitations will stop coming.

Also, your 5yo will never have eaten out or gone to a wedding or heaps of other evening possibilities and won't know how to behave when you finally accept one.

It's no way to live, op.

It’s been a while since I had a baby but as a single working mum I had a bedtime routine and that was it really. If I needed to go shopping or to a baby group (thank god for those btw, I’d have been so lonely without them) he’d sleep in his pram no problem.
I also took him abroad on holidays at age 1/2 and didn’t fancy going to my hotel room at 7pm every night, I took him to restaurants/bars that had outdoor seating, put his pushchair breaks on, lean it back against a chair and he’d go to sleep next to me, I remember seeing lots of parents doing the same thing.

I currently have one DS aged 2 and pregnant with my second but we didn’t ‘protect’ his naps as such he came out and about and napped on the go or similar and we have been like this his whole life.

I don’t understand why people are so regimented that they don’t leave the house during nap times. Some of my mum friends were like this and could only meet between 11 and 1 because of naps so it became harder and harder to meet with them. In the end o saw them less unless the little ones were older but I always thought how boring it must be to be stuck in the house at certain times. But tha was just their way of doing things and I did things my way. Maybe I was lucky for a bag who would sleep in different places and would shuffle his nap around but we had the best time on maternity leave doing all different things and seeing different people.

Basically you can’t change the way you do things and she can’t change it either so just let people get on and do their own thing.

I’m sorry you’re going through it😪 must be so tough. I was lucky I guess I just gave in one night at 4 month old regression and put him in bed with me and sleep changed instantly

Those are two different things though, when a baby 'should' be sleeping (massively varies by baby) and following the individual baby's sleepy cues.

4 month old are too young for routines basically, yes it works for some babies but most need to be at least 6 months before starting a proper routine.

We usually had a routine for our DDs but wouldn’t have missed an occasional family event for it, and we were flexible on holidays etc

I never had much (if any) of a routine, and have raised two happy and successful adults 😄

Everyone's different, whatever works for you and your baby.

Thanks, it really bloody is. I love sleep, so I admit I struggle to understand why she doesn't (she's not sick or teething or anything, just uses any and every opportunity to be aggressively awake 😂)

Well we had 4 children in 6 years. That meant the younger ones had to be taken on school runs, drop to parties, swimming lessons, play dates, collect from beavers, after school clubs, gp appointments etc.
Mu husband worked nights do it was all on me. Didn’t do mine any harm.

Because some babies don’t need their naps protected? Some are fine just going with the flow.

Of my 6 I’ve had 2 that were awful if they weren’t asleep by 7pm. Albeit they could actually both happily sleep in a pram, or car seat (or in DS1’s case on a swing once 😂). They fell asleep when they were tired, wherever they were, as long as there wasn’t huge noise around them. Although once asleep nothing would wake them so taking them for a walk at a party or wedding, for example, until they fell asleep and then going back in was fine.

One only slept midnight to 5.15am from 5 months old and still sleeps similarly now at 25. Zero point in following any of the actual guidance or books with her as she had not read any of them and had her own way. She crashed out at midnight - no crying, not over tired or over stimulated (unless you’d spent ages frantically trying to get her to sleep beforehand) and woke right as rain.

The rest were all kids who slept when they slept. They didn’t have strict routine. If they slept less one night they slept more the next. They didn’t need rigid routine.

the only two who had any real routine were my eldest two and that’s only because they were twins and from 6 months to 2 years I was doing everything solo so I had to to fit everything in.

Probably the difference between PFB and a second born. DD2 has to fit in with life a lot more rather than everything revolving around her. I didn't have to do a nursery/school run when DD1 was a baby/toddler.

I think the truth lies somewhere down the middle. You sound extremely regimented. Are the other family attending midnight functions 5 days a week? Or do you mean the odd family event, once a week / month, and to you not even that frequency of disturbed sleep would be acceptable?

I come from a (European) culture where babies and children slot in with family life and social habits, there are no bedtime routines or missed events due to naps / earlier mealtimes.

We usually have lunch between 2 and 5pm, overstaying at the table especially at the weekends, then dinner starts anytime between 8 and 11pm. In winter earlier, in summer later. Babies and young kids come with us everywhere. They nap or sleep in the pram, on top of each other on a sofa, on their grandparents at a restaurant…

Would you say all of us, as a country, are doing child-raising wrong?

I must disagree with you. My child’s wellbeing and growing and comfort is more important than showing face to a dinner. We did this back in February when dc was just freshly 6 months, we forced ourselves to go knowing he’d kick off as he goes to sleep at 7.30-8.30 and it was pure hell screaming crying not loving life really! I felt terrible for him. but - a month later we ended up in a&e with him at 10pm and we were there until 1am and he did sleep on me to be fair.

PS there are also not many morning naps (an afternoon one is preferred, even for kids), and children absolutely stay up at weddings, Christmas and and birthday evening parties, etc… Childfree events are rare and people wouldn’t turn down an invitation to a social gathering because of their baby’s sleep (of course, I’m not talking about particularly difficult babies with a health issue or small children with additional needs).

It’s your first child, op. If you have another one you’ll understand why people can’t spend every day “protecting the baby’s nap”.
The older kids need to live their lives too.

So what works for you but don’t assume that everyone will follow your routine

Do

Wow what a question to ask - a whole country! You must really know your percentages 😂😳💀 but do go off! Yes I’m sure my question is based on my opinion that the whole United Kingdom is doing something wrong. Smh

I didn’t say that did 🙈 I’m simply asking if people perceive this as a norm

Yes, it is the norm when you have more than one child, op 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sil has her older child's well being to think of too.

If/when you have a second baby, will your older one be banned from any evening or midday activities because you need to rush home for the younger one's nap or bedtime?

I'm hoping not. I'm guessing you'll start doing what SIL does.

Besides, your baby isn't used to being out in the evening which is why he kicked off. If you did it more, he'd be less thrown by it

That’s fine, I understand completely but this one example I used wasn’t a play in the park where the toddler would run off some steam. This was a special event yes, but if I did go I think I would’ve attended until no later than say 8pm-9pm and go home. My question is why do we put so much societal pressure on our kids to fit in adult things at such young age? I can understand 5 yrs old onwards but not that young