Is this what people do with babies?

[ThisNimblePeer]

How do people manage to bring their kids up on no bedtime routine etc? Like, not following consistent naps for a baby? My SIL has a 3 yr old boy and a 4 month old baby and the poor bugger seems to just constantly be dragged around everywhere which i understand that’s life, shopping needs to be done etc but what im puzzled about is stuff like going to functions and staying there until 12am? The baby doesn’t sleep and has awful reflux and she and her mum just put it down to being a fussy, high needs baby but there is no structure to naps or a wind down at night for bedtime between say 7.30-9… the toddler is go go go all the time which I understand but why not protect the babies naps and bedtime? Is that just how it is? My partners family doesn’t understand why we protect our 9 month old naps so much and why we structure our life around him so much and honestly I often say and get quite angry about it, because how can you not? It’s a baby at the end of a day… I co sleep with my little guy and I’m super lucky he sleeps through the night with me. I’m strict on naps and haven’t even been to any baby classes yet as it clashes with his morning nap. Whenever we get asked to go out for dinner we get told the table is booked for 6 pm by partners family and we always say no, that’s when we eat and or do bath time then chill and play … I feel sometimes they perceive my way of parenting as something that isn’t right.

I'm not sure there is a norm. Everyone will work things out as feels right for their own situation, personality, and baby.

I never had such a regimented regime with DD (now 10), mainly because friends and family that had kids before me had very set routines and the kids would have a meltdown if they couldn't nap at a certain time, there were noises, holiday routines etc. My DD had a range for nap time, bed time etc and this seemed to work well. She's now very easy going and adapts well to holidays, school trips, evening events etc

Thankyou everyone for your replies, mumsnet doesn’t disappoint 😂 also I’m not regimented or strict I’m just routine driven because everyone seems happier that way. I do not think I’m causing him some sort of a social disadvantage though, he’s a baby at the end of a day not an adilt with 9-5 with wife and kids. I think I must have it easy though as he’s my one and only.

I'm the youngest of four and my mother has often said how i was just expected to get on with it as a baby as I had to fit in with my older siblings and their activities. It's was all fairly relaxed so I brought my own children up the same way. What's important is what works for you and your family.

I would absolutely follow my babies cues about when they were tired, and put them down to nap in the pushchair- they slept very well in there. They also slept well with background noise- I think that was important, particularly when it came to later babies with toddlers in the house because there can't be as much control. Being able to create a perfect nap bubble I think only works with the first, and of those that do, it can be hard if you ever want to be less rigid like attend a wedding or go on holiday and your baby isn't used to settling anywhere but at home with the backout curtains and complete silence. Mine are older now though and they all end up the same in the end.

In the holidays (and especially when we're on holiday), my kids just run around in circles like little Duracell bunnies until they drop, and then they're carted off to bed. It's much less stressful for all concerned.

During term time, we do have to have a routine and it involves the usual - dinner, bath-time, story-time, reading with the older one. But the number of times it ends with me saying crossly "Just go to bloody sleep, will you?"

I do find a strict routine more stressful than going with the flow.

Haha yes!

Just different approaches and children. We’ve always been flexible with bedtimes etc as my two have always been adaptable. When I had DD2 we couldn’t just stay home for hours as DD1 would have missed out, so we were often out and about all day. We’ve been to family events, weddings, special occasions where we have stayed late and all has been fine, kids have had fun, the world has kept on turning. It’s just never something that has caused us issues.

I personally did not enjoy being a slave to nap time. Much better to have a baby that will nap anywhere.

Each to their own.

People are different and babies are different.

I think it’s one of those things that is harder once you have more children, and it makes your world quite regimented which can make life more difficult. My eldest is 2 and with her I did protect naps more, my youngest is 6 months old and he sleeps wherever because our days are not built around just him, I can’t spend 2 hours holding him in silence while he naps because I have a toddler to entertain. We do have a bedtime routine but the odd meal out, wedding etc does no harm. I wouldn’t do it every day or every week, but once in awhile for a wedding or a family meal makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.

If I never did anything because of naps or bedtime I wouldn’t have done anything really for the last 2 years and that’s no way to live.

OP I can see that you pushed back on someone else who highlighted that not all countries follow such a rigid structure as the UK generally does. I do think that you're not appreciating how highly cultural some child rearing is. That doesn't mean that 'all of the UK' is doing it wrong, but that actually there is no one right way to bring up a child.

I live in the Middle East and lots of people I know can't understand the idea of a fixed, fairly early bedtime. From their (cultural) perspective why would children be made to go to sleep so much earlier than adults and have family time in the evenings restricted so much. It can be seen as a negative - why don't parents want to spend time with their children. Children will catch up on sleep by napping when they come home from school. The concept of adult time away from children isn't really a thing (I have no idea how parents cope!)

It's not that there's anything wrong with a fixed early bedtime or heavy child focus rather than simply taking the baby out and about and expecting them to fit in with day to day life, but that actually there isn't anything wrong with what your family member is doing either. People parent differently. Absent the true extremes either end (ridiculous strictness or ridiculous leniency - effectively abuse/neglect), it really doesn't make any difference in the long run. Instead it's all about what works for you, your family and your child.

Personally I normally had a rough routine we stuck to but we travelled all over too and enjoyed all sorts of activities and adventures. That's what worked for me and my children

Agree with this. And if baby then starts nursery and is used to set naps at set times in very specific environments it makes the adjustment all that much harder.

My friends baby goes to bed at 10pm she baths her at 9, I find it funny but she prefers a lie in if they're out and about it's unfair as baby will be overtired and unable to sleep due to noise if they wanted to

Your first baby, and he sleeps through the night. You have the luxury of planning your days around his naps.

The key word in your post is 'lucky'.

Come back and post when you have two or more DCs.
My younger DCs napped in the car en route to places their older siblings had to go to.

We also brought baby and toddler of the day to evening meals out, etc. All thrived.

As life evolved, bedtime for all was 9pm. We didn't have a wind down routine. Just got ready for bed around 8:45, then stories, prayers, sleep.

I think there is a middle ground. I remember reading the GF book whilst pregnant, thinking I couldn't be that routined without a baby never mind with one!

We tried to fit things round naps, but DS wasn't that routined by them either! But never going to baby groups or anything else due to not fitting in with routine is probably not the best.

Also if baby needs to go to nursery/childcare there will need to be some flexibility

You talk about SIL and her mother but you don’t mention the father in your opening post?

If the baby doesn’t sleep and has awful reflux she’s probably just trying to survive at this point, what difference does it make if the baby isnt sleeping at home or isn’t sleeping at a wedding.

Some people value bringing the child with them and including them, and some people value home and routine.

Calling your nephew a poor bugger because of how your sil is parenting him seems incredibly harsh, your routine works for you and you don’t like people judging it, she’s probably the same.

Mine didn’t had set routines until school, grew up just fine. Look overseas, kids being up late is normal.

While mine were that sort of age, I just could not believe my peers with such rigid nap times, some of them couldn't do anything while the kids were small due to baby only being able to sleep at a certain time at a certain place. Just felt so restrictive.

"How can you not"? Very easily, if that's what you choose. What sort of parent you want to be is up to you. Some people arrange their lives around their kids; some have the kids fit in with them. I was raised the second way (a more common approach in the eighties, probably). Lots of falling asleep on stangers' sofas etc. Looking back, it did seem to result in happier, less stressed parents.

We had a bedtime routine of sorts with our daughter if it was just us at home, but never gave it a second thought if we were out or had friends round. If she was tired when we were out, day or night, she slept in her car seat or pram. She usually had a good nap during the day but never at a set time. I can’t think of anything much more bonkers than keeping to a routine so rigidly that you can’t go to baby classes 🤣🤣. I must admit that I would object to going out for a meal at 6pm because it’s so early, but not because it might interfere with a baby’s bedtime and bath time. Like just about everyone who is a parent, my daughter was the centre of my world and the most important person in my life when she was little, but that didn’t mean our entire lives had to be structured around her - we expected her to fit in with our lives for much of the time, not the other way around.

Sounds like you have PFB syndrome. It’s ok, it happens, you grow out of it with age and experience. 😁

As others have said there's no right or wrong way. We always just went with the flow, they slept when tired, often in the pram, car or sling. None of mine would nap in a cot, and they also stopped napping almost entirely before age 3.

I had three under 5 so the second and third had to just fit in with life. DS had to go on the school run every day from 2 weeks old. I always found it a bit tedious when people would say they couldn't possibly be out at a particular time as it was naptime. But I'd never have commented.

We did have a pretty standard bedtime routine, In the Night Garden, bath, story, milk, bed around 7.30. But if we were invited to a family event we'd let them stay up late and/or sleep in the pushchair. I remember taking them all to fireworks when they were maybe 2, 4 and 6 and putting them all in pjs when we got back to the car around 8pm so they'd fall asleep on the way home and we'd put them straight into bed.

At the end of the day just do what works for you and don't worry about what others are doing.

I feel like you're coming from a position where you think people with a less structured parenting style are somehow disadvantaging or not prioritising their babies. I understand that view, but I don't think it's generally correct. It can equally be argued that overly regimented methods are disadvantaging. And, as has been pointed out, different cultures often have very different approaches and that doesn't make them wrong (or you wrong).

Summing up, do what feels right to you but don't judge others 😄