Is this what people do with babies?

[ThisNimblePeer]

How do people manage to bring their kids up on no bedtime routine etc? Like, not following consistent naps for a baby? My SIL has a 3 yr old boy and a 4 month old baby and the poor bugger seems to just constantly be dragged around everywhere which i understand that’s life, shopping needs to be done etc but what im puzzled about is stuff like going to functions and staying there until 12am? The baby doesn’t sleep and has awful reflux and she and her mum just put it down to being a fussy, high needs baby but there is no structure to naps or a wind down at night for bedtime between say 7.30-9… the toddler is go go go all the time which I understand but why not protect the babies naps and bedtime? Is that just how it is? My partners family doesn’t understand why we protect our 9 month old naps so much and why we structure our life around him so much and honestly I often say and get quite angry about it, because how can you not? It’s a baby at the end of a day… I co sleep with my little guy and I’m super lucky he sleeps through the night with me. I’m strict on naps and haven’t even been to any baby classes yet as it clashes with his morning nap. Whenever we get asked to go out for dinner we get told the table is booked for 6 pm by partners family and we always say no, that’s when we eat and or do bath time then chill and play … I feel sometimes they perceive my way of parenting as something that isn’t right.

Thankyou! I’m really surprised to see someone agree with me 😂

Depends on the adults and the children. You can't be rigidly strict on routine forever, but equally I think some routine is good. I had twins and a pretty strict routine in the early days. 9 months is very little and I think routine is very acceptable now, but you do have to relax it eventually.

As they got older one of mine had struggled more with any break from the norm, though getting more flexible as he gets older. Meanwhile DD is very go-with-the-flow and likes novelty. So I think the benefits or otherwise of the different approaches are very child-dependent and hard predict anyway when they are babies.

Honestly with twins it would have been total chaos without the routine, and I can't even begin to imagine being able to be so carefree about it as your family members. You just do what works for you - but I'd recommend you start to try to bend the routine a little at some point - for your sanity and to get them used to the unpredictability of life.

" My partners family doesn’t understand why we protect our 9 month old naps so much and why we structure our life around him so much and honestly I often say and get quite angry about it, because how can you not? "

I hope you don't mean you actually say this to your SIL/your partner's family?

I get the not wanting to go out for dinner but have you considered suggesting a compromise? Eg, host mid-afternoon tea/coffee and cake at your place, or going for a picnic in a local park as we head into summer?

You do know that people live in Seville and some of the people that live there are children? I find it interesting that you think you get to decide what the purpose of Seville is. 😂

I have two SILs.

one stuck very strictly to routines. Night time routine everyday, had to be home for bedtime. Even now, the kids struggle to get to sleep unless the routine is replicated.

the other was very laid back. The kids drop off to sleep no matter where they are

My eldest was a fussy, high-needs baby with silent reflux who hardly slept. I drove myself absolutely insane trying to get him into a routine with naps and a set bedtime. I did everything by the book, had a long relaxing bed-time routine that I followed every single day, and nothing worked because he just could not sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time until he was about a year old. Sometimes I would spend hours getting him to sleep for 40 minutes. I ruined my maternity leave trying to build a routine that never stuck. If I had my time again I'd just stick him in a sling and would get on with my life. He's a teenager now and an excellent sleeper for anyone who is wondering.

Yes, I would say your SILs parenting is normal, and yours isn’t. Not saying yours is “wrong” but it certainly isn’t typical of anyone I know that has kids.

My baby just came with me wherever I decided to go and if they were tired they slept on me, in the stroller, in the car, etc.

Quite. Babies generally seem to do better if they are adaptable. If one’s routine is so rigid that you miss out on so many opportunities, then life must become very dull indeed.

If they’re used to being out and about over nap time then most babies will sleep fine with noise and things going on around about them.

My youngest last week alone has had his afternoon nap curled up on a bench seat in a restaurant and laid out on picnic blanket at the park with adults chatting and older children playing around him. Always takes a good 2-3 hours in the afternoon no matter where we are and my older children have all been similar.

You’re at the extreme end the scale and you may find it very isolating

My kids never got into any sort of routine til maybe a year old

took them backpacking around Asia on second mat leave 4 months and 3 year old

the baby just went with the flow tbh and so did the older one

I can’t be having my life dictated by naps

il do cot naps if I feel like watching tv and having a break my self

but if I fancy being out and about I’d chose that

Of course you are genuinely puzzled. Not having a dig at your sister in law at all, are you.

And you'll find, when he gets older, that he won't go to sleep unless you're there.

You're making a rod for your own back with co-sleeping.

Babies need the routine of their own cots, in their own rooms
I've never understood why parents don't realise this.

Come back to this post in a year and see what's going on with your toddler.

I agree with you, too, as far as the nap schedule goes.

But not with the co-sleeping.

All my babies had a routine and they slept in their own cots in their own rooms.

My children were happily in and out of my bed for a while. It was nice. They grew out of it with no trouble at all.

With your first baby, you have the luxury of living around their naps.

By the second and third, your life would be utterly hellish and miserable if you did that.

Same. They grow out of it. It's nice while it lasts.

I spent MONTHS trying to get DC1 into a nap routine (my sister in law swore by Gina Ford and gave me her book when I was expecting). I tried and tried and tried and baby just would not stick to a routine. Four months in having tried yet again to get DC to nap for about 40 minutes straight (she'd always fight it and be outraged even if she seemed sleepy) for her to sleep for all of 5 minutes before waking up in a rage I gave up. It was making us both miserable and she wasn't getting any benefit. After that if I thought she was tired I popped her in her cot. If after 5/10 minutes she was still awake I got her out again. Some just don't nap to any schedule, or mine didn't anyway. Not even at nursery. I just had to get on with my day and try to work around it. I don't blame you though if I could have managed to get mine to take regular naps I would have protected naptime too!

I didn’t live around my baby’s naps with my first; thst sounds so boring. I had a great time out and about, went to the pub most days! Baby happily asleep in carrier or pram.

Never had timed naps but bedtime routine was from the get go with both, unless there's was a wedding etc. Even when we had parties the routine was loosely the same, no bath but changed and bottle etc if they slept great, if they didnt, no big deal but we paid for it the next day 🤣

Saying that the day naps happened at similar times whether we were in or out the house. I think I was fortunate that way. But I didnt do many baby classes. Neither were allowed to sleep between 3-6pm though or else it was a late night for everyone!!

Don’t be so ridiculous 😂 my first co slept and breastfed every nap, every night time until she was 18 months. One night I got her a double floor bed and she just slept in there by herself and has done for years since.

It’s not helpful to be telling mums they’re making rods for their own backs, or creating ‘bad’ habits, or outright declaring that their child won’t go to sleep unless they’re there. It’s just not true. Mine are living proof.

You do what you need to do to survive and what gets everyone the most sleep.

Never had any routines for mine, after the first. I had five kids within seven years and if I'd had to put off school pick ups, play group attendance, mother and toddler group for the older ones because they co incided with younger ones nap/food/bed times I would never have got anywhere and school/playgroup etc would have been severely curtailed!

They're all in their thirties now and I don't think you can tell them from the kids that had strict routines and timetabled naps.

The only routine my second child had was determined by his older sister. He had to be up and have breakfast etc so we could leave the house at 8.30am and he went to bed at 6.30 pm when she went. In between, he napped in the buggy or in the car. We had to pick her up at 11.30am after nursery . There was no time for cot naps but we had wonderful quiet evenings. Oh, both were sleep trained . I know - we were cruel.

My two slept in the sling as and when they fancied it. I carried on with my day, sometimes I joined them 😴

Mine are in their 20s now, so I can’t quite remember.

definitely didn’t protect their naps.

It was more the case that when doing our own thing they’d nap on a rough baby centred schedule, but any trips or visits that clashed with that they just had to adapt, either by falling asleep anyway despite noise/excitement or by an occasional missed nap which might mean a delayed or disturbed sleep pattern later.

They didn’t happen that often so didn’t bother me.

My kids were born during the Gina Ford era (very strict routine). I didn’t follow her daytime regimen but I was pretty strict on the nighttime one. During the day they fell into a fairly predictable routine and often slept when we were out and about. I certainly didn’t say no to things because it clashed with a nap - it wasn’t so much that baby ‘had’ to nap from 10-12pm as there was a mid morning nap at some point. I did wake my baby if they napped too long or too late. Nighttime it was up at 7ish for bath, feed then story (even for my newborn) and put down when still awake if possible. Both slept well (DD had reflux harder to get down initially but at three months she was fine). Sleepy feed before I went to bed at 11pm-, then they may wake up for another around 3am or not… sleeping through from around four months from sleepy feed and all night from six. Never co slept (in fact babies were in their own rooms). Can count on one hand the disturbed nights I had, and that was only if they were ill. The people I knew with no routine suffered in the evening and had no adult only time, but daytimes seemed flexible as long as they slept at some point