3 year old won't stay at mummy's house

[Aoak96]

Hi

I have recently split from my husband and moved out. We have a 3 year old son. He has started to refuse to stay with me (mum) at my new house to the point he is screaming and crying to go back to daddy's house. I now live with my new partner and we have my son 4 night where as his dad has him the rest. I don't know what to do he's started to say mummy makes him sad and he doesn't want mummy he just wants his dad any help appreciated

Poor kids.

Yet another parent not giving a shit about their child and just throwing a new partner in their lives. Selfish.

'The tracksuit type'? Your snobbery is leaking out of your pores.

I agree with other posters that she has moved in with her new partner far too quickly and should put her child first but your post implies that only women that you deem to be lower class would do something like this which is rubbish.

You really are delusional if you think you 3 year old understands what’s going on! He’s know you’re partner for over a year, and you think it’s ok? He would have been 2 and had no concept of what has happened! All he understands is you’ve replaced his daddy with a new one! You’re clearly putting your needs above your child! You need a total reset and your partner needs to move out whilst you rebuild your relationship with your child! If it was the other way around and your ex had moved a new partner in you’d be posting what a bad father he is!

It isn’t unusual for children to become unsettled somewhere strange once the novelty wears off, think about holidays, its fairly typical for behaviour to be worse on week two compared to week one.

Dads house is his home, so really he should be spending as much time there as possible to maintain his normal so he feels safe and secure.

Your house is a strange place with a strange person, for a three year old thats two really huge changes. That will lead to feelings of confusion and fear in such a young child. He needs a slow and reliable introduction, visits, play dates etc to slowly build how much time he spends there with you. Alongside that short visits from trusted adults he has established relationships with, so grandparents etc. His routine at your house needs to mirror his routine he follows at home.

This isn’t judgement OP, this is fact and advice. It doesn’t matter if he knew your new partner over a year beforehand, that’s massively different to moving in. Seeing that person there when you get up and around your safe space with your mum all the time means he’s unable to fully be himself. Kids act different around people that aren’t their parents, you know this.
My DP met my DD when she was 3, he moved in when she was 7.
You haven’t given your child any time to adjust to you being seperate from his dad. Your home isn’t ‘normal’ enough for him because you’re not just mum any more, you are mum and someone else.
he probably feels a million times safer and more at home with his dad.

id consider asking your partner for understanding and moving out for a period of time whilst your boy gets used to his new normal of not having both parents in the same house.

Get the partner out

I read it that she has moved into the new partners house , but I could be wrong , actually upon rereading I think I am . But OP quite rightly has been given a roasting so won’t be back !

Yes, I think she’s left the family home, moved in with someone she’s been having an affair with and now she’s surprised her child doesn’t want to be there and that he wants to be at home in his own house with his own daddy.

If it’s true he was fine at first it was probably because he didn’t realise it was an ongoing arrangement and once the novelty wore off he was upset. Like when children start school and it’s exciting and everyone makes a big fuss. Then a week later they realise it’s forever and ever and they start pushing back.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to visit. Poor little lad. You've just upped and left him, to shack up with another bloke? Dear oh lord, put your child first. Could you not have waited a few years before moving in with the new man? Do some bloody parenting, oh and make sure you're using contraception, you really should not bring another child into this shit show.

Could you make his room in your place the same as his dad’s so it is something familiar to him. Could his father come in with him at drop off and say spend some time with him inside and see if that helps.

I haven't read all the replies so sorry if this has been said already, but I read this earlier and it's stuck in my head.

Surely this has to be a reverse? A dad has done this and thought he might get more balanced responses if he made out it was the mother who had behaved like this? What mother would walk out on their 3 year old?

OP he is 3. Splitting with his dad will have completely upended his whole world and shaken his sense of security. Then to move house - also overwhelming for a child without the split, no safe space. Then to move in with another man, not only is daddy ‘replaced’ but your affections and attention is divided. No wonder he doesn’t want to be there. You need to now stop considering your own needs (such has having a new partner/relationship) and start absolutely putting your child first. This means every decision made is in his best interests, and your needs are secondary. Probably moving out to a place for just you and your son and making it feel special and safe is step one.

It’s very simple too much too soon no more complicated than that

If your husband had recently left you to move in with another woman you probably wouldn’t want to go round and spend some time there. Even if it was for the benefit of your child. Which I’m not sure that it even is that beneficial to the child.

You say that as if you don’t have a choice. The obvious option is for your new partner to move out and for you to focus on your child.

I was going to ask about this. If he's being staying at yours just fine until two weeks ago, what has happened.
Has something at the new house frightened him at night, or is someone saying negative things about the house and the new man making him afraid?

She might not have a choice. She might not be in a position to afford to keep herself and her child without a man funding it lots of women destroy themselves financially when they have a child.

I am saying this with 25 years experience of working with 3 year olds.
My heart is breaking for the poor little mite, he’s literally crying out with unhappiness and you’re not listening to him! 😭 his whole little life has just imploded! For what it’s worth it sounds like the chicken pox has tipped him over the edge! But it would have happened sooner or later. You need to do something and quickly to stop this turning into a massive issue for him!
Is the house you’re in yours or your new partners? If yours I would suggest your new partner moves out while your son is there, your son obviously doesn’t yet feel secure in the house and you are his familiar adult so you need to focus on making him feel secure in the house. If the house is your partners that’s obviously more tricky! Do you have a relative with a familiar house that you could stay at while you have your son?
As others have said if Daddy has stopped in the family home that will also have a bearing, can you decorate his room at the new house the same? Same bedding etc so it feels more familiar.
you need to spend lots of time with him without your new partner, he’s going to be very frightened of all the changes and very anxious at the moment.
Just because you are ready for a new relationship doesn’t mean your son is. He’s so young that he won’t have the ability to put into words why this is upsetting him but he is showing you he is upset with his behaviour.
Please also let your son’s nursery know what is going on so they can make sure that they maintain a routine there and don’t throw any more big changes on him without lots of support.

Your son has a new home and is expected to now live with a man who isn't his dad, in a short frame of time. Of course he'd rather be in his home with his dad, as it feels familiar and safe. Could you not just have brought a new home for just you and your little boy?

I suspect you may well be right. There is something slightly off about the OP. Inconsistent use of dad/daddy and you could literally swap out the sexes in the OP.

Women do leave kids but we all know it is far, far more common for men to move straight from one woman to the next with barely a backward glance.

OP has gone after 3 replies and I doubt will be back, but I hope she takes on board some of the less shrill comments explaining to her, since she seems to need it explaining, how confused and upset her really young son must feel. 3 is pretty much still a toddler! He's not got any agency here, all he can do is express his disquiet and upset at all the changes he's had to cope with - mum and dad don't live together any more, HIS house is no longer his main residence, he has to get used to a new house, his mum now has a new man living in the new house ... This is so sad. It's a lot for a child two or three times his age to cope with!

We don't know the circumstances that led to his mum moving out, and I think it's still unusual for a woman to take her child and leave the marital home when there's a break-up, rather than for the male partner to leave (if there are children involved), so it's just possible there's something going on we don't know about. But even so, it's the parents' job and has to be their priority to make these changes as easy for the child as possible. On the face of it and with what little information we have, it sounds like the adults are behaving selfishly and thoughtlessly and not making their son's interests the most important thing.

I'm not speculating about why the break-up happened, or if there was any abusive behaviour to promote her departure, but any extra complications in those areas will have contributed to how confused and upset her son may be feeling. Poor kid.

You have ZERO evidence that the child's dad is behaving in the ways you suggest.

All the evidence points to the little boy's unhappiness with the new home. The OP'S job is to take away that unhappiness.

I was thinking that if a woman came here and said that her ex suggested that she do that, she’d have been told that he was completely unreasonable to make that request.

You have prioritised this new man over your tiny child. Clearly the timescales are minimal because you won’t actually say what they are. If you wanted to leave the previous partner, fine, but you should have prioritised your son, to give him stability and reassurance with the new set-up. Moving straight in with the new partner is selfish. It’s no wonder your son is confused, insecure and upset.