3 year old won't stay at mummy's house

[Aoak96]

Hi

I have recently split from my husband and moved out. We have a 3 year old son. He has started to refuse to stay with me (mum) at my new house to the point he is screaming and crying to go back to daddy's house. I now live with my new partner and we have my son 4 night where as his dad has him the rest. I don't know what to do he's started to say mummy makes him sad and he doesn't want mummy he just wants his dad any help appreciated

I smell BS tbh but IF this is genuine.

You move your "partner" out of the house firstly.
Then you spend some time reassuring your son and rebuilding his poor little world that has been turned upside down.
He's THREE! For Christ's sake. My DD is 3 and gets upset if I change her toothpaste 🤣
You're either completely daft or utterly incompetent. Sorry. But you must be able to see this is far too much change for a toddler to handle without fuss!!

I’d tell her to make sure all her priorities were on that little boy. All of them. She spends all her time reassuring him, play therapy if needed, making their time together just about them so that he will know, without any doubt whatsoever, that his mummy is ‘his’ person during this enormous change in his little short life. There is no way she has been able to do that whilst entertaining the living arrangements of a new boyfriend.

Maybe you are not mothering as well as you could but are trying to be the perfect person for the new partner. Possibly you are trying to put routines into the childs life that are not compatible with his fathers routines. His dad has your boy for 4evenings of the week so quite possibly he is at nursery during the week and ready for bedtime routine with dad.
It is an incredible amount for a small child to deal with and yet he tries to verbalise that he is happier with dad.
What a sad situation.
Perhaps you could speak to his father and find out what his routines are.
Does he read him a story, play with lego, watch T.V. etc.
Does he cook child friendly meals and are you cooking "adult flavours " eg spicy meals and expecting the child to have conscientious manners around the table?
He is still so close to the "terrible two's" where the youngster has regular and uncontrollable crying sessions over literally being too young to know whats expected of them or why they should or shouldnt do something.
If you bear in mind that it wouldnt be inappropriate for him to have some developmental delay with all the changes and upsets around his family life, then the fact that he is trying to vocalise why he wants to be with his daddy is remarkable in itself.
How can a small child really understand such a complicated situation?
Does he cry himself to sleep alone in a locked bedroom while you are busy entertaini g your new partner or watching T.V?
These kind of things would make it unbearable for the child who would feel dismissed, unloved and unlovable.
If you have a social worker you could ask for advice.

Come on, really? Where on earth did you get that statistic from?

@Aoak96 My little one has slept through the night from 3 months.

He caught m chicken pox when he was 2 and was brilliant with them. It was the weeks after that were a nightmare! He was so unsettled for weeks and wouldn’t sleep either.

I am teacher and I’ve had children be unsettled for a few weeks afterwards too.

Why on earth are you living with a boyfriend?!

On the contrary, I hate these kinds of threads. I hate reading about yet another child who's needs/wellbeing have been overlooked or discounted, by their parents (s) (mums or dads).

I'd say you deal with that as it comes. The BF shouldn't be living with her son. It's too soon. He's too young. OP has much more chance of getting him to settle into his new home without a complete bloody stranger there. Who gives a toss if they were friends before? The 3 year old doesn't know him from Adam.

I have recently split from my husband …I now live with my new partner
Your answer is in your first post.
You don't need to bounce from one man to another. How long you knew each other before you started dating is irrelevant.

It's far too soon to be living with a new man when you recently split up with your husband.

Nothing like out with the old and in with the new!
How many days, weeks or months did you live alone before your boyfriend moved in?

Do you not consider your child or just yourself?

Even if your son knew him as a friend that is very different to him being in your house and 'replacing' Daddy- which is how he sees it.

Numerous posters have asked for the timeline and you're not saying- which seems to show it's relevant and you're not willing to admit this.

I heard it from someone within the education system. But once heard it’s hard to un-hear. I have no way of disproving it. So I have to believe it. This way I keep my own DC safe.

No, they're not. Whilst the OP can't help that she's moved out of the family home, she sure as hell can avoid adding any more change and stress to her 3 year old by moving a complete bloody stranger in!

You created this situation.

you might not want judgement, but you need some straight talking. Your time scales are ridiculous he's THREE you've left his Dad & him & moved into a new house with a new man. Of course he's unhappy. The first month he probably thought it was a weird kind of holiday type thing. He just wants his old life back. His Dad & his home are where he feels safest.

Poor wee sausage.

why not just do days out (on your own) with him & let him go back to his house & his bed & see how things go, then maybe do some days at your new house (without your new man) & he might feel comfortable to stay over.

you have created this situation, don't blame him for not liking it.

This.

You really think a 3 year old can cope with such adult emotions as 'he was an old friend'?

Is he thinking 'Oh this is all fine and dandy. Mummy's new man was on the scene for a year.'

NO!

He's thinking 'I don't like this and want my daddy, not this replacement.'

Have you any emotional intelligence?

Does your new partner look after your son on his own?

It’s massive changes for a 3 year old child. I’m not sure what help you want but my advice is to put your son first. Your new partner moving in is clearly effecting him. I’d put my child first and ask new partner to move out. I couldn’t imagine my child not wanting to stay with me and would do anything to help and protect them and ensuring they felt comfortable with me again.

I think its less he wont stay at mummy's and more "daddys" was the familiar family home.

I think you need to be patient, and work through it.

He additionally might be feeling uncomfy with living with your DP if youve only recently split. Sounds a lot of change for a little one.

Id try things like getting him to pick colours and some toys for his room. Playing with him in it 121 when you have him and trying to make this feel as a safe a space as possible while he adjusts

Try and see it from his point of view. He’s 3, he doesn’t want an adventure or a new life. He liked his old life, which was all he’s ever known. When he’s with Daddy, the only thing that’s changed is that you’ve gone away.

He’s 3. He doesn’t know why you wanted/decided/needed to leave. You don’t mention any worries about him seeing his dad so it’s not like you both fled for your safety (in which case he might understand that it wasn’t safe in his old home).

He is probably furious with you. He thinks you left him and now he has to “visit” you in your new house with your new friend. Of course he’d rather stay with Daddy where almost everything is the same as it used to be.

It’s a lot of very emotionally charged change for him. My son didn’t like me holding my new nephew or niece when he was 3 and would fairly obviously make sure his Daddy was cuddling him while I held the new baby. He got used to it, but it took a little while and lots of reassurance! And that’s literally just me loving another baby! Lots of parents will say how unsettled a new sibling can make little ones. They’re worried Mummy doesn’t love them anymore now there’s something new to take up their attention. They are wrong, of course, just like your son is wrong that you left him because you don’t like him anymore or prefer your boyfriend or your new house or whatever little 3yo narrative he’s got in his head. But for now that’s where he is and you need to show him he’s wrong.

Knowing your boyfriend is very differnt to having this an intruding on his safe personal bedtime etc with his mummy id keep him totally away from that. You might offer your ex (if he’ll allow it- he has to id you still co own the home) for you to come and do bedtimes a night or two a week at his house so your son can have more stability - the nesting model - until he settles

To be fair, a lot of SM/TV programmes/books etc suggest it's quite easy, and not about the reality of it.

Has he done something? The new partner?

Why are some women so obsessed with needing a man in their life that they just jump into another relationship? Do people not consider the impact on their kids lives?

This is probably dad saying this and not a real story,
Who says 3 year old won't stay at mummy's house, mine?
Probably jealous ex

your son is telling you that you are making him sad....I guess that is one little broken boy ....

Your sons 3. There hasn't been a good chunk of time since he was born, let alone since the split.