Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I realise not everyone on here is a fan but I too hated the not knowing when and what … I used Gina Fords Contented Little Baby Book … within a week we had a very strict routine with my lovely DD sleeping in his cot for 8 hours a night and 2 daytime structured naps … it’s definitely a commitment to stick to but I found the structure helped me immensely xx

Go back to Paris. Do whatever it takes to make the move work. Babies sense our moods and if you return to live in the city you love, you might find your son becomes more settled and your confidence grows in tandem.

Early motherhood is a shock to the system whatever age you are, but I can't imagine how difficult it must be going through it in a place that doesn't feel like home and when you wish you were living somewhere else. Focus on how nice it could be pushing him in his buggy around your old neighbourhood this summer, drinking in the familiar sights and sounds. Then start making arrangements to get you both there.

What a nasty and unnecessary comment.

I haven’t read all the comments so not sure if this has been said already, but I felt the same as you in the early months. We paid £450 for a sleep consultant the day my son turned 5 months old and was developmentally ready to be sleep trained, and within 2 days he was sleeping through the night. I honestly can’t recommend this enough. You mention the lack of sleep a lot, so I wouldn’t mind betting you’d feel a lot different with consistent rest each night and an “end” to the day, where you put your baby down at 7pm and don’t hear from him again til the morning. It sounds like some kind of internet scam, but it’s so effective and has changed my life. He’s also infinitely happier now that he’s getting a proper sleep at night (and a solid 2hr nap every afternoon!).
Good luck and hang in there; my son is now 20months and a joy to be around. You will get here too!

I can identify with all the things you are describing: the anxiety, the fear of going anywhere in case he cries and you don’t know why, the awful sleep deprivation, the constipation, all of it! I found the early days almost intolerable.

I realised with hindsight that I made difficult things worse by blaming myself for not knowing how to fix it. There was no quick fix! It all resolved with time, and none of it was my fault.

It gets easier very gradually, so your terror snd anxiety will lessen but the day to day is still a bit of a grind. But I don’t think I enjoyed parenting until my kids were all in primary school, and I got some time to myself. My parents helped me out hugely too but I felt guilty taking time for myself when they were small.

They are now almost finished primary school and I can tell you they bring so much joy and fun to my day. Worry, too, but it’s outweighed by the good stuff. Hang in there, you are doing the very hardest bit now.

People who say it doesn't get easier honestly have forgotten what it's like to have a newborn, or had particularly easy newborns. I doubt your sister would have had 3 if it hadn't got easier. Both of mine were massively hardwork as newborns. I was up all night for months and chained to them as breastfeeding and reflux. I cried regularly. I also longed for my freedom. Yes, toddlers are quite hardwork physically but it's different. At least they sleep! (mostly) Then you get your evening back. Mine are 11 and 9 now and have been a joy for a good few years now. I'm not a single mum but they can easily be left with Grandparents/babysitters/friends/ in childcare when I need to work or get a break.

Every 3 months things got a little bit easier in the early days. Are you eventually planning to move back to Paris? I wouldnt give up on this if it's your happy place.

I can completely understand where you are coming from with the fear of crying when you’re out and not knowing what’s wrong, how to calm him down and other people. I was exactly like that with my second baby. I would do the school run with my eldest, go home and do the school run at 3. That was it, all day if not go out just in case. I was diagnosed with PND and given medication and invited to a therapy group with Sure Start, not sure you have those where you are. It took time and a lot of effort to go out with baby. I did it eventually and it was ok. I think you’ve ‘lost you/your identity’ by 2 massive life changes at the same time. If Paris was your home for so long and you know you and baby can have a life there, happy and content then go for it. If you’ve nothing to lose by giving it a trial for a while do it. Happy mam makes happy baby. Good luck xx

Take a breath, it's early days. Your sister is wrong, it does get easier. Imagine the holidays and travelling you can do with an 8/9/10 year old. You won't need them watching whilst you wee forever. It is still hard but different. We all like different stages and I suspect you'll be an older children person! Have you looked at pnd or some therapy - it's a HUGE life change (country, lifestyle, parenthood) you have undergone, get some professional help to adjust. See if you can do something for you and arrange childcare to help that happen.
You'll be great, it'll come, this too shall pass.

If you’d posted that you’d moved from Paris to NI to live with your mum aged 44 and felt depressed and anxious then that in itself is a highly believable story. The fact you have a new baby as well makes your story almost inevitable (IMO).

You’ve had a massive upheaval and life change plus a new baby. I don’t know what the answer is but I wouldn’t put all this down to just being a new mum.

This is age is prime colic time. Breast fed, bottle fed, whatever, it seems to be extremely common. I remember mine at this age would start screaming every time I tried to put food to my mouth.

The first thing to tell you, and the most important short term thing, is the crying absolutely will pass and it will pass soon.

Then you can pop him in a sling, and get out and about, day trips, museums, cafes the whole works. You'll be doing this before you know it.

I don't think anti depressants is the answer, you've made massive challenging changes to your life and are currently going through a particularly hard part. If you weren't single, if were still living in Paris, if you were twenty years younger, you may still be feeling a lot of this. It's 100% normal. Having a baby is very, very difficult and the early months can be very horrible, thankless, extremely boring and exhausting. This comes as a shock to people and is not really said aloud, which causes women to feel like there's something terribly wrong or like they're a failure. It's absolutely not the case.

I was an older mum and yes it does get easier..maybe not for a very long time if you have 3 like your sister, but one is very different. You don't have 3 different little people, all different, all going through difficult stages, together and one after the other.

Don't worry about not feeling great instant romantic rushes of overwhelming love, it's in there, you're just too tired and overwhelmed to feel it at the moment.

Can you afford an au pair? Someone on hand to give you a break and time to yourself?

Secondly, go back to Paris as soon as you can. They've got everything you need there. Get a nursery place or an Au Pair and get yourself ready to go back to work.

Just try to remember, the baby is 3 months old, it's the very hardest time (until he starts teething and then that will be the hardest time 😁) but very soon the crying will ease, you'll be less tired soon, this will pass, you'll be able to get out and about in the summer and you can start making plans to head back to Paris and raise your Parisian boy, with occasional holiday visits to that grey little Irish town..

My first baby was a Gina Ford baby back in the day, lots of people used it then. Strict routine but it worked and made life so much easier.
Baby led stuff is all well and good but it doesn't work for everyone and I definitely needed to know how my day was going to look & needed the predictability of it.

The other thing to say is that babies are hard & your sister is right, parenting is never "easy". Other things crop up as they grow but the joy and love you get from your children is also something to look forward to and to treasure.
You start to get more back from your children as they grow and become little people.
At the moment you are deep in the trenches but it does get better.
Hang in there.

Honestly, why would you say something so shitty to someone who is already struggling? I can't imagine being so dense.

I know some people are quite happy at home but I find parenting easier out of the house. You just have to find what you enjoy and can do together which takes a bit of trial and error - I hate soft play so we don’t do it! I also hate massively busy and over stimulating baby classes but have found a forest school, some lovely small play cafes and a parent and child book club group. We did some baby classes at museums too. Several of my friends travel a lot with their babies.

Babies cry so I wouldn’t worry about that - I use portable white noise, a rocket/pram rocker and a blackout for naps in the pram. Some of my friends prefer a sling. Feed/walk when they start - get some loops to dull the sound of crying, I use mine when over stimulated.

I quickly found the child friendly cafes and go in to one weekly because the staff genuinely loved a cuddle with my LO’s and I’m quite happy to hand them over. Now I have a toddler and pre schooler they will also chat/play with them for a bit when it’s quiet which is lovely.

I think it’s very child dependent as to wether it gets easier as they get older, one of mine has and one of them hasn’t but they have both become little people with personality and that’s lovely! I would say it gets more rewarding/engaging though.

Also (I appreciate it won’t be as straight forward asthis) move back to Paris with LO if you can!

Of course it will get better!
I think the couple of posters saying it doesn't get easier have their individual circumstances, which aren't generally applicable.
Your baby will probably sleep for longer stretches (a very few don't). It will be eating solid food, so less dependent on you. It will start to move around and interact with the world, which tires it out. Some predictable pattern will start to emerge. Once it's a year old, it will be moving towards walking and making sounds approximating to words. It will be able to show you it's feelings. It will be fun as you can start to play with it and look at books together.
Please don't doubt that you will have an adorable companion before too long.
I felt just like you at the beginning but the feeling went away as I started to understand the baby's needs better and found it more rewarding looking after him.
Unlike others, I wouldn't underestimate the importance of having family nearby to help out, so would advise more caution about going back to France.
PS I have no idea why one poster found the age of 3 to be terrible; I don't think that's widespread. I certainly felt the opposite.

Oh gosh. Bless you! It absolutely does get better! My first didn’t sleep much until I got a sleep expert in at nine months. She absolutely saved my sanity and my happiness too. Once the baby is in a good sleep routine your life will improve ten fold. It’s not popular on Mumsnet, but getting baby to sleep independently is life changing. It doesn’t have to be cruel and you don’t need to let them cry it out either. Mumsnet tends to be very pro co sleeping but it’s not for everyone. I have tons of friends who still have their kids in bed with them because they never found a good sleep routine, and that was never for me. I’m too selfish and need my space, it’s okay to feel thar too. Baby is still very young right now, but please keep this in mind. Move back to Paris, get a nanny or a good nursery and go back to work if that’s what makes you happy. Your mum is elderly and you’ve probably realised she can’t be that much help. Pay for it if you need to! Good luck xxx

And how is this helping OP? She has baby now! Not like an Amazon parcel you can return you know!

Yep it’s hard and no it doesn’t get easier. I love my second at 42 but now she’s 2 and she just sucks the joy out of life.

It absolutely does get better and it’s hard as a single parent
I wouldn’t change a single hair on my kids head but I hate their father with a passion
At least you’ve managed to swerve that one
You will be fine, and you will have a magnificent son who will make you proud every day
Soon

Please be kinder to yourself. Having a baby is life altering and you are doing it alone, have moved location and are breastfeeding - you need to give yourself grace. I have a 2.5 year old toddler and a ten month baby, it’s gets so so much easier, all of the things you mentioned will get easier. He’s still so young and the fun stages are ahead of you.

• in just a few weeks he will start to give little giggles and his personality will start to come through. This was when I started to bond with my two, before that I was just on autopilot.
• in just a few months he’ll be sitting up, grabbing toys and eating food. You’ll be able to enjoy summer picnics. I found the crying started to reduce at this stage. You’ll be able to get into a routine for naps as they are more predictable.
• by autumn he’ll be so much stronger in his legs, he’ll likely be crawling (or attempting to), clapping his hands. He’ll likely be sleeping longer stretches as night feeds reduce/drop and you’ll be able to distract him if he cries by giving a snack or a toy.
• by winter the night feeds will likely stop and you’ll get more “good” nights than “bad” nights. He’ll start to say mama, he will be so easily distracted when crying - books, toys snacks and you’ll be so much more confident at a mother.
• by January you will have survived the hardest year and every month your son will get more and more independent - it’s gets easier, more enjoyable and you will get your freedom back.

Every baby is different and the above is based on my two but i will say mine were on average the worst sleepers compared to those around me - those saying you won’t sleep for 5 years are not typical at all.

As for sleep, I can’t get my 16-year-old out of bloody bed now. Does my head in for other reasons.

Your biggest mistake was moving back , if you had. A nice life in France would by woudo you move back ? You do not need a village for a single child , with one is easy . I was a single mum 15 years , teh start is hard but it gets better . Move away from your family drama , go and live your life , your kid will be fine where you are happy .

Sleep train as soon as you feel comfortable with it and slowly start getting baby into a routine. It isn't for everyone but it's how I stayed sane during the early baby days.

You do not have to put up with years of no sleep and co-sleeping if that isn't what you want.

Sleep training doesn't have to involve leaving baby to cry. I did pick up/put down and shhh pat which worked especially well when they were tiny. It isn't a miracle worker and does take time and patience but it is worth it if you feel like you can do it.

A routine helped too, I always had 7am as wake up and 7pm as 'bedtime' no matter how the day between those times went and then concentrated on learning about wake windows and trying to make sure baby gets really good feeds during the day. Admittedly, I bottle fed which made that part easier. After that, I gradually started working on consistent nap times and it all eventually fell into place.

Don't forget that it's also perfectly fine to simply put them down, let them cry for a few minutes and have a wee, eat a sandwich etc.

Maybe a return to Paris or London wherever .I think moving from a big cosmopolitan city to being in your home town isnt really helping .You have lost some of your identity I think .Maybe hard on Mum too? See if you can pick up your old life

Brenda sweetheart, I swear it will not be like this forever.

I had a similar situation to you: voluntarily giving up a life that I had loved, a subsequent severe mental health illness, and a little baby was involved as well.

The worst thing about depression for me is the way that my body and soul absolutely refused to accept it. The constant, constant, constant self-questioning and trying to reason with it (because I was terrified of getting to the end of my life and having regrets) compounded the initial shock of a life that was very different to what I had envisaged. I just felt like I couldn't stop myself begging and praying for this time and this feeling to end. And so the sense of wondering why I was feeling like this and when it was going to end made it all so much worse for me.

What saved me was an Arundhati Roy quote and I am attaching a screenshot of it:

It was the phrase seek joy in the saddest places that suddenly made me reassess my concept of a good life. I realised that despite having had that lucky period of really enjoying my previous stage, it was nature of life to have temporary stages. And that feelings of sadness would dissipate far quicker if I did away with the constant self-questioning of why I was feeling like that and when it was going to end, and tried to see it instead as a stage where I was not experiencing the emotion of joy as much but instead I was experiencing different emotions that all combined have the effect hopefully of making me person I want to be at the end of my life. And now I was at this stage, which I knew was morally the right stage for me to continue with. and not just morally, but for my own sake, because the alternative would have caused me such absolutely severe mental self-loathing that I wouldn't have been able to live a good life.

Anyway, it brought me an acceptance of the fact that a good life is never going to be based on how much I am or am not enjoying it at a given period. I started to meditate whenever I could, just little short sessions when I could manage it. I did a lot of breath work and when those feelings of sadness and regret and stress poured through me, I told myself, "Yes, I accept that this is what the feeling is now and everything changes and passes. Would you really have yourself as the person who was shaped their entire life only by pleasure and joy?

I have the most adoring, sweet, intelligent and lovely child who brings me so much joy every day. I absolutely couldn't have envisaged that when I was where you are now. Sending all my love and support to you.