Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I totally understand how you feel about going out with a baby who’s so unsettled. My first baby screamed for hours and hours for the first 4 months and only really settled down to a comfortable level of fussiness at 6 months. At 14 weeks, you aren’t that far away from the crying starting to get easier. I am now on my second baby and realising that motherhood is so much more pleasant with an easy baby. I’ve not done anything differently. I think a lot of people really have no idea how privileged they are to have an easy baby. I wonder if the people who are telling you that it doesn’t really get easier, actually realise how bad it is to have a screamer. In my experience, it absolutely did get easier. My screaming baby is now a 2 year old who sleeps through the night and is an absolute delight.

I agree, aged 4-11 is an absolute joy!! I perhaps didn’t realise how much until my older children were past that stage but now I have 3 more younger ones I’m absolutely making the most of this stage with the 2 older (youngest) ones 🥰

While I think you do need professional help as it sounds like PND.

Beyond this, you have to stop trying to recreate the life you had and find the joy in this one.

While babies do not sleep through the night, it does ease off after the first few months and you do adapt.

Once your baby can start to interact with you it's very different. And yes they will kick you in the back endlessly but they'll also hug you and melt your heart.

You get joy in their joy and you are not there yet. I do not care for trains but my son has been obsessed since toddler hood. I have been to every railway related museum, day out and now bloody model railway shows.

Would I have chosen this instead of something I enjoy 12 years ago, absolutely not. Do I get something out of this time that measures differently but just as highly, absolutely.

Don't be afraid to seek professional help but don't go borrowing trouble. Yes there are many things that people can point to that are negative but nothing says this will be your experience. For want of a better phrase, you get used to the relentlessness and it stops feeling like that and becomes something else.

It's not your old life. It won't ever be that but it will give you experiences you wouldn't trade for anything.

All babies are different, so there's no point in worrying what yours will be like later on, compared to Sally's baby next door. My son was just like yours at that age, and yet my daughter slept brilliantly from quite early on.

It does 100% get easier as the months go on. Every single day that passes, just remember, that you are one step closer to the day when he will sleep through.

Mine are 29 & 27 now. Unfortunately, my daughter lives very far away, but my son is about half an hour away, and we regularly meet up for lunch and cocktails, and chat and watch the world go by. One day, this will be you and your son. He will be taller than you, a handsome young man, and you and he will stroll through art galleries together, and sit in Parisian cafes enjoying a few glasses of wine in the sun, chatting. And there will no doubt be ladies of your age watching on, who never had the joy of what you have.

And of course, he will most likely marry, and you'll have grandchildren Op. You'll be at the heart of a lovely little family. So much to look forward to. Just take one day at a time. You've got this.

What was your reason for being in Paris, work? Do you have the potential to go back part time in the future ?
Definitely go back if you can whatever.
In between time buy a soft cross body sling.

I hated baby groups until DDs were up and running and it could be about music, library etc. not just chat and cups of tea. We travelled everywhere Dh and I wanted to go, have breastfed in some unusual places now I think of it.

And do stop comparing with others. They are all different. Your sister sounds envious of you and your mum could probably use a break.

I know of a six year old child who still won’t sleep through the night.

Also, your midwife is lying to you. Exclusively breastfed babies can still get constipated. There is extraordinary pressure on mother’s to breastfeed. My own sister used to go on and on about how breastfed babies are so much healthier than formula fed babies. One of her children was always sick and the other had severe allergies. She was constantly complaining about how tired she was and being up all night cluster feeding.

My baby had reflux from breast milk and I found that feeding formula in a bottle while he sat in an almost upright position reduced instances of him being sick and upset.

Research anti-depressants yourself and check which ones won’t make you stack on weight. I wouldn’t be taking an antidepressant just to continue to breastfeed. If you’re not well then you should take an antidepressant that will actually work for you and stop breastfeeding.

I’m wondering if you’re sad because (in addition to you feeling trapped) you’re not getting enough sun light and the hormones from breastfeeding are likely contributing to you feeling sad.

I’ve never heard of that anti-depressant before. But I feel strongly that if you’re depressed and breastfeeding that you should start giving formula before trying antidepressants.

In respect to your baby crying - babies nervous system and their digestive system are new. They need to adjust to drinking milk. Often they get trapped gas and need to burp and fart or this can be really painful. You can watch videos on YouTube to learn how to feed, burp and make your baby fart.

Do you have any plans to go back to Paris?

I just read your update about possible reflux. Don't be hard on yourself, I had two of these and it's an absolute nightmare. People who haven't been through it won't understand. Mine would wake screaming as soon as they were on their backs. Do you have a good sling? I used the wrap ones. Mine would sleep for ages in it so I could get things done, go out for lunch etc, whereas only 20 minute naps in buggy.

Keep bugging your GP if baby seems to wake in pain. Treatment worked wonders for mine. 1 week not opening bowels can be normal for bf baby. Ask for referral if your GP can't help you.

Mine did sleep eventually but took longer than others. First slept through the night at 9 months but was only waking 1-2 x for milk way before then which is soooo much better than every hour. It will get better I promise.

Another thing is that I started doing stuff with the baby that people around me weren't doing. So for me it was buying DC a set of ear defenders and hitting the family friendly festival circuit (ie camping) I met loads of chilled out hippies there with barefoot children, and even just going to two a year gave me such lovely memories sitting in the warm sunshine while everybody cooed over DC And he wobbled about with the other babies. I don't live my life like that most of the year but during the summer months I tried to find cheap family friendly camping festivals. It will probably not be that for you but there may be another thing that you find that you love doing where you meet people that you like and your baby will honestly soon be at the stage where you can take them along. even if it's not overtly a baby led meet up.

What kind of delivery did you have? Have you taken your baby to an paediatric osteopath? I would very much recommend it regardless. Mine cried non-stop and he was like a new baby after a couple of sessions of cranial osteopathy as he had a lot of underlying tension in his neck that we had no idea about (thought it might be colic or silent reflux). Just a suggestion.

That's super helpful, that. Nice one.

I'd also say that if you need to give your baby formula at night, it's better than a miserable mother.

You have more challenges than most. I put myself through hell with the first to feed. Later ones were mixed fed because I couldn't dedicate that level of time with other children.

It's obviously a very personal decision but I do think one where the benefits have to be weighed across the whole.

I wonder if a post-natal doula might help. Someone who could be hands on with the baby but also has seen it all with new mums and can support emotionally with the adjustment.

Save yourself. Move back to Paris. Take the anti depressant. See if you can get some weekly therapy. It shouldn’t feel so desperate. Get all the support you can. Wishing you good luck x

I'm going to be completely honest with you as someone who went through almost the same - having lived abroad, travelled, had so much freedom pre motherhood and it all came as a huge shock how much I wanted my old life back. The freedom doesn't come back in the same way. The freedom comes through allowing your life to shrink and finding joy in the tiny things. You need to really allow yourself to grieve your old life and find joy for the fact you got to experience it al, and don't try to push the sadness or negative feelings away. The more you try and force yourself to feel better or try to find ways to get freedom back, you'll just tangle yourself in knots. Little things like five minutes of crafts, a favourite TV show, taking photos of things you love, keeping in touch with friends, journalling, therapy etc will all be your biggest help.

What really helped me was accepting my new identity of single mum who spends her whole life parenting and doing the odd bit of creativity.

It's not just breast vs bottle that contributes to sleeping though. I have 3 children, 2 of which didnt sleep through the night til over 12 months old and one who was doing it by 4 months. All breastfed. My friend's bottle fed baby is almost 2 and still doesn't sleep through. Surely just pulling the baby into the bed with you for a breast feed is easier and less wake-inducing than having to get up to make a bottle?

OP, your feelings are very normal, which i hope youre seeing from this thread. Many of us who have very wanted and loved children have felt like this at times (and gone on to have more children!)

Your upheaval has been more than most because your whole world has changed. Babies will do that, but most of us retain some elements of our old lifestyle (familiar places, friends etc) whereas you have left that behind in Paris. I agree with the PP who say to go back to Paris. You will cope better, I'm sure, surrounded by the things and places you love.

Babies will cry. And that's ok... itvwas all of us once and most people are sympathetic to that. The calmer and happier you are, the more the baby will feel that and you will respond better and more intuitively when youre not battling your own feelings

Wishing you a brighter future

No one's asking you to imagine!

Can I just reassure you that the joy of children does come. One of mine was a non sleeper and extremely high energy, however every year it got easier and better. Now they are a young adult I can look back on so very many happy times. I even enjoyed the teen years because we had a build a solid bond during the primary years.

Having a child, especially later in life changes your identity and routine so it's a massive upheaval however it will settle down.

A friend had a dreadful time with her only child, nothing had prepared her for the sleep deprivation however her son is now 6 and she is super close with him.

What's your plans to return to work?

Have you sold up in Paris?

Op you sound like you are in a horrible place mentally could your ds be picking up on your mood. That’s why he keeps crying. I would be looking at getting your mental health on track you might have pnd but a child needs love and you are struggling to give him it. You also have to be careful you’re not tiring out your mum. Your mental health is your biggest concern right now I would take the medication then decide on your future it’s never easy having a baby and 44 must be a struggle emotionally and physically. Good luck.

it does get easier, your sister has three!! im not a single mother but i had my son at 35 with my husband via ivf, and remember feeling like id lost my life and myself. life wont be the same but you do get yourself back and even better, youhavea walking talling little pal making you wonder at them as they grow, and actually want to be round them alot. i used to miss holidays just hisband and me but now id miss my little buddy, my twonyr old, completely part of life now.

You're in the thick of it, it does get easier, thats the cruel thing you wish it away and then miss it! I didn't enjoy the newborn stage and loving the toddler era.

I also moved to another country and compounded my post partum stresses with desperately missing my neighbourhood, job and friends. Moved 6 weeks post partum. Maming friends helped me hugely, also had a crying reflux cmpa baby who didn't sleep so know what it's like, time will help but make sure you're looking after yourself and seeking help if you jeed it.

OP I always said I’d have a baby on my own if I didn’t meet the right man - thankfully I met my husband because when I think of having a baby by myself now I think I was mad! What you’re doing is sooooo hard, so it’s ok that you’re finding it really hard. You will bond with your baby in time. You will sleep again. I did no sleep training and DS started sleeping through the night at 7 months. Yes it may take longer than that for your baby but it may not. But whatever happens you will sleep better soon. You’ll get longer stretches of better sleep. Newborn nights are hell but they don’t last forever. I stopped breastfeeding and found it helped/ baby slept better. You can gently sleep train from 3 months so do look into it. Things do get easier (though toddlers are hard but it’s not like a newborn and you will have adjusted to being a parent/life changing so much. And your child will become a companion rather than a small dictator who takes from you and seemingly gives nothing back!). When you’re back at work and baby is a nursery you will feel more like yourself and get some time back. You’re in the trenches at the moment but it won’t last. I think babies who cry all the time are the hardest thing in the world but everyone I know who’s had one says this begins to ease off at 3-6 months. I promise you will be able to go to a cafe before too long without being terrified of your baby crying constantly.

I would honestly look at the long run practically. Where my money is coming from now and where is going to come from in the future, since at 13 to 20 your son will need money for gadgets, going out, commuting to college etc and you will thinking about retiring. This I can assure you, will make the early years looking like total bliss

I am sorry to read this. It is very unpredictable how babies would be once they are here. However, you have some options lay down and if you take one day at the time. Soon enough this phase will be over. This is terrible hard to do as a single mother but the baby is here. You need to try harder as giving him away would be something you regret later. Worse of both worlds.

Ignore this OP, I sincerely doubt the baby is ‘picking up on your mood’. He sounds like a typical fussy, uncomfortable baby who cries a lot, my second was the same. Wind, reflux, constrpation, pain, all feature. Some babies are just more sensitive, it gets much easier as their digestive systems mature.