Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I'd like to say it gets easier but it doesn't. I have a 3yo and a teenager now and things haven't got any easier, just different struggles. The 3yo still doesn't sleep very well (around 4-5 hours per night) but he does have 2 days at nursery which helps some time to myself. What does get better though, is you learn more about your child and yourself and find better ways of coping. You'll meet other parents who are in a similar situation and learn from each other too.

I would suggest putting him in nursery rather than putting him in care. This is a much wanted baby so I don't believe you truly want to put him into care, you just want a break from parenting which is understandable. A day or two at nursery once you feel comfortable leaving him will probably do you wonders.

I would also try to move out of your parents house if you're still living there. You'll have more freedom and the days your mum can care for your child you'll have your own space rather than them just being in a different part of the house.

I’ll probably get eaten alive for saying this but would you not consider formula feeding? Baby will likely sleep for longer stretches and with more predictability. Also, if you can afford to live in Paris then I’d seriously consider moving back - you need familiarity and somewhere you feel comfortable - Northern Ireland is a big adjustment.

You have made 2 huge life changes at the same time, having a baby and moving back to your childhood home. In your mind it will have made sense, more support, family and growing up with cousins but the reality of becoming " a child" again to our parents will always be there. I had second child at 44 and promise you it does get easier but it will never be totally carefree because you always have something else to think of. 2 things stand out. I couldn't produce enough milk for my son and felt like a failure when the health visitor gently suggested formula but it was a game changer, he cried less and slept more as he was fuller and anyone could give him a bottle. Also try to stop the co sleeping, put a cot in the room and gradually get him used to sleeping alone. This will save you having to do it later, nobody wants a 3 Yr old in their bed! I'm now 62 with an 18 and 23 year old and they are my proudest achievement. I wish you well.

It does get better / easier, there are just different challenges, as with anything in life.

If you can afford it, look in to a nursery / childminder a couple of days a week might give you a break.

There is no text book baby / child / teenager. Stop torturing yourself by trying to compare.

Would you perhaps be happier if you went back to work (in Paris if feasible) and baby went to nursery?

It will get better OP but don’t expect life to revert to how it was pre-baby……motherhood is for life but rest assured, with all the disruptions, sleepless nights, feelings of loss of identity comes the most joyful, immense sense of unconditional love! Soon you will wonder how ever you lived without your baby!

Things do get easier as they become little people she can be so much fun. Yes it’s still hard and you don’t have any time to yourself, but when your little one hands you a leaf or some indeterminate object they have made for you or says “I love you mummy” it all becomes worthwhile. I’m so sorry you are having a tough time just now but it does change

There are things you can do with babies - things like English Heritage and National Trust properties and Museums were really good for me. Do what makes it easier for you. As you get to know the little person who is developing and their character you can get them interested in your interests (my kids love history). There are always challenges but different people find different parts harder - some people love babies but really struggle with teens. Some people tear their hair out with toddlers but love teens. It may be you are someone who finds it easier when you can talk to them and share interests. It does sound like PND is not helping - hope you can find a way forward.

Go back to Paris. Paris has babysitters, excellent nurseries, baguettes and parks. Your whole life should not be thrown away to make a baby best. You loved paris and that is where you intended to live so pack up the baby snd head back. Raise a little parisian boy.

It's the baby's crying, @Jellybunny98 and others, which stops me going out with him, to Dublin or elsewhere for a lovely day away. He gets very unsettled and cries uncontrollably at times (not hunger or nappy needing changed, obvs). One health visitor and the mental health nurse think it might be silent reflux. Someone mentioned CMPA so I have been avoiding all dairy and lactose on my diet- including any hideen whyley or milk protein in frozen chips, Pringles, the lot! I check all ingredients. However, both the lactation consultant whise services I hired and my local GP think that silent reflux is massively overdiagnosed as a medical issue and that there are side effects to using something like omeprazole which havent been fully investigated in babies. They think that it might be normal, "developmental" crying or colic. He has been prescribed Lactulose, a laxative, for constipation, so I don't know whether that is a factor, too. One midwife told me it's very rare for exclusively breastfed babies to get constipated but the doctor told me it can and does happen. All these conflicting opinions!

I’m hugely pro breastfeeding, understand all the theory behind it reducing PND, sleep etc and breastfed my last until 3 and still BF my youngest but I have to agree, some of mine were more content/slept better when they switched to bottle feeding. My last 2 would never take bottles or formula as think left it a bit late to try so the might have been too, definitely worth trying if struggling as much as current. I found mine wouldn’t take bottles unless first offered before around 4 months

If he doesn't like to be put down, use a sling. The Tula carriers and the Ergobaby carriers are very good and give a much safer fit than the babybjorn ones. Finding a good carrier is a lifesaver with a baby/toddler.

Does he cry even when you’re outside in nature walking with him in a sling? I’ve had colicky babies and always found this settled them, my last one basically lived in the sling for the first few months and then at about 3-4 months gradually became more happy at being put down for short periods

Please take the meds and you can put the cot beside your bed to be close to your baby. They will help you feel better. Things will get better. It is normal to feel overwhelmed at this stage. Do something for you each day. Leave baby with mum for an hour and take a walk or go for a coffee. Life will improve. Each stage is hard in its own way but nothing like the sleep exhaustion of the baby stage. You will look back at this stage and wonder how you got through it, but you will! As a mother of teenagers I am sleep deprived again, lying awake waiting for them to come home from nights out! As I said each stage has challenges but you will love your baby so much that you will not contemplate life without them.

@BrendaSouleyman You've had a lot of good advice upthread: I would just add one more observation - so what if your baby cries when you're out? You seem to be very scared of that possibility. I don't think there's a parent alive whose baby hasn't cried when they've been out. It doesn't matter at all if your baby cries while you are out. You can try feeding them, changing their nappy, taking some layers off, putting some lawyers on. Babies often respond to be being danced around a bit - or sung to (I never seem to see people singing to their babies now but we used to do it all the time). Sometimes they stop - sometimes they don't. It doesn't matter! Anyone who is judging you for that is simply an idiot.

I felt very grim during the first few months with our first. I was crap at breastfeeding and the climate then was very anti-formula - the first time we fed my daughter formula because she wasn't growing at all, I felt as if I was feeding her poison. I still feel a bit angry about it now - and DD is 21! I was in a permanent state of complete panic - I think I had PND and that is how it manifested for me. I was a bit younger than you when I had my first but I wasn't having to contend with peri-menopause - I do remember that my hormones dig wreak some havoc when I was peri-menopausal - for about a week or so before my period, I felt desperately wretched and like the world was going to end.

What happened with my first though was that after a while I just go used to the chaos. I began to relax a bit into parenting. I stopped worrying about things like - what if she cries when we're out? It had already happened many times - to me, and my other friends with tiny babies! I felt able to embrace the joy of it.

And you start to get a bit more time back in small ways - I remember thinking: how can I handled 18 years of this? What have we done!? But time passes, and you just get more used to it all and you start to get little wins within a few months. I think that, in many ways, the first 6 months are the hardest, especially with your first.

Have you read Vicki Iovine - Surviving the First Year of Motherhood (actually: it's has a few names as it has been published a few times over the years): https://www.amazon.co.uk/Friends-Guide-Surviving-First-Motherhood/dp/0747536481#:~:text=Vicki%20Iovine%2C%20who%20previously%20authored,honest%20and%20often%20hilarious%20perspective.

Honestly - I found it so incredibly reassuring about the craziness that is the first year of parenthood and it's very witty also. She's also very good on PND. Give it a read if you can - or at least the chapter entitled "Blues Baby Blues" (or similar).

With the crying - someone once said to me that your own baby’s cry sounds so much louder to you than it does to anyone else and that’s so so true! I’ve been with friends who have a new baby and watching them get stressed in a cafe etc with the crying when it really wasn’t that loud and I could see that no one else around was batting an eyelid really hammered this fact home to me. Also in those early baby days I promise we are all winging it and just guessing why they’re crying! It does get gradually better/easier from 6
months imo.

I do think the sooner you get back to Paris and can get into your own new routine without relying on your mum the better you will likely be able to bond. I’m not a single mum but my husband works away a lot and after the first week he’s off when we have a new baby I’m desperate for him to get back to work so that I can start adjusting to my new normal routine and learning how to best juggle the children myself. Also tbh it does sound like your mum is struggling too.

You'll need to lower expectations and make adjustments to your life in Paris but you will start to get into the swing of things. Invest in a really good babysitter/nanny with qualifications and lots of experience of babies if you don’t have friends there to help. We have no family help but have a very occasional babysitter who completely gets our style of parenting and is invaluable. Good luck ❤️

I'll be brief because you've already had some wonderful advice here.

You are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you feel. I remember the 'what the hell have i done?' feeling very, very well and my son is now 13 and the greatest joy in my life, along with his younger brother.

You're in the absolute deepest, darkest newborn trenches right now - its both your and your baby's first time in these roles so cut yourself some slack. He's learning to be a baby, you're learning to be a mum - you need to be aligned on that and embrace that its a learning experience for you both.

EVERY single stage gets easier than the one before because you know your baby that little better bit by bit over time. The stages change every couple of months or so.A 6 month old is wildly different to a 3 month old so no you dont need to hang on until he is 4 or 5 years old. Just wait till he starts to engage more with you more - a smile, a giggle. Your love will grow ten-fold.

This is the hardest job in the world, but can be the most rewarding if you let it. Lean into it, accept that its an evermoving goalpost, make sure your basic needs are seen to and get the support you require whether that's from family and friends or antidepressents.

Also I think you need to give some real thought to your living situation. You've moved from Paris to Ireland when youre already at a vulnerable time emotionally. Thats a big deal. That decision was made at the time but can always be rethought. Beware not to 'blame' the baby for all the lifestyle changes as many of those have actually come from your relocation.

I promise this is not forever, not at all.

I don't have time to read all the posts but didn't want to read and run. Posting to say that I have been there - I was not technically single for the first 18 months but I definitely had more serious post natal depression than I realised at the time. It was haaaaaard. But it is very early days for you OP. you are still in the trenches.

I have no family in the UK and my OH was pretty absent (we separated within 1-2 years of birth) Likewise we had fertility treatment so had been a long road to get there. I have blocked out much of the detail I think because I was unhappy - and this is with a healthy baby with no real problems besides inability to breastfeed/late diagnosis tongue-tie. I was not a natural mother particularly.

I promise it has got better each and every year (now ten year old)

What saved me - NCT classes to make friends with other mums. I really leaned into these and met a few women I did not need to pretend everything was rosy with. (this may be easier in London as lots of others also didn't have family around so were struggling) Keep doing classes until you find some of these women! Just getting out of the house was crucial to me.

Buy a cheap bouncy chair you can strap the baby into - take them into the bathroom with to wee/shower - you will oddly feel a bit more free if they are transportable but safely strapped in.

I wish I'd taken a proper dose of anti depressants earlier too - and stayed on a proper dose for 6 months. This is apparently how long Sertaline takes to start to help your brain rewire emotions a bit. I did try them but wanted to prove I was fine so came off them very quickly.

I would stay where you are for a little while - it feels far too soon to make big decisions. You also need to be a bit strong for your mum at the moment. if you have a good relationship with her, that's gold, so don't waste the opportunity to do this together.

If you are still miserable when the baby is 1-2 then no reason not to move, but I wouldnt' opt to do it solo just yet.

lastly - my child has helped provide amazing local social life through school, its been really unexpected and a huge bonus. and that's really important if you are doing this solo. Lean into that when the time comes

Good luck!

I agree with others that it sounds like you have PND. I was a bit younger than you when I had my first but I had had a lovely independent life living in a city, and I also moved back to my home town when I was pregnant so having a new baby was a huge adjustment. I think my PND was also driven by total lack of self-care in the first few months because I was so focused on the baby (I had significant tearing for example, but didn't have a bath until baby was about six months old when that really would have helped both my healing and my wellbeing). So make sure you are taking care of yourself. And whilst it's great to have your mothers support during the newborn days, what is the plan beyond that? Unless you are sure you can build a life that is happy and satisfying back home, I would really recommend moving back to Paris before your live there moves on without you. Do you have a home and a job to go back to? It will be tough raising a baby on your own, but it does get easier and it will be better for you both if you still have outside interests that you find fulfilling.

How is this helping ?

When I had my second baby I felt like you. All I remember of his first six months is him screaming. I couldn’t go out and really struggled mentally. I was diagnosed with PND and as I was bottle feeding I did go onto antidepressants. I then felt a bit disconnected but they did help. Things got better after six months, he slept better, not perfect but manageable - up twice maybe in the night. The crying reduced. In those days babies were diagnosed with colic and that was that. He’s an adult now and still has digestion issues so there was definitely a bit more to it and his crying always seemed pain related. I took any help that was offered and went back to work for a break. It was tough but I got through it and honestly after six months things get better - babies do more and you get more back. Ride it out and aim for a move back to Paris later this year.

First it DOES get easier. Being a single parent is hard but there will be a tipping point where toy can suddenly start doing things with your son again that you genuinely enjoy. My DC1 is older now and we regularly go to the theatre, cinema, weekends away (they are under 10 by the way!) and have a wonderful time. The baby years are hard because you’re sleep deprived and it’s an adjustment but it 100% gets easier.

Secondly, do you speak fluent French? If so, I’d seriously consider moving back to Paris. You could build up a new network there with your little boy in tow, I’m not saying it would be easy but it also probably wouldn’t be any harder than what you’re doing now.

Gently OP I think you are trying to fix stuff that isn't broken. You seem to be seeing your difficulties as you being a bad mum or your baby being weird. In reality he sounds a very normal baby, and you sound like a very normal mum. When they are tiny, they are nocturnal and don't give you much back and it is very tiring and very hard. The thing I found helpful was having a focus for each day, a baby group to go to, or a friend to meet, or even something I wanted to do just me a baby. Give yourself time to settle into a routine.

The first 1 even 2 years of motherhood are the hardest and were the most miserable for me. Once they’re in nursery you get your life back, short stints but life looks different then. Then when they start school everything changes again, they’re more independent and “need” you less and less. The adjustment is HUGE and the constant crying and ground hog day yet unpredictability of the crying and the constant feeling of it all, it’s a LOT. But you are a mummy now, I doubt that will leave you now if you did give your son up, could you forget and move on with no regrets? Only advice hang in there, you’re in the trenches!!

Please get help for your feelings. Small babies are hard work but you don't need to be feeling so down.
You will get to know what your baby wants - I felt the same with my first and held off from doing some things. As he gets older he will start taking notice of things and it will get easier.
If your mum can look after him, go for a short time each day - a walk or a coffee and have a few mins to yourself. Start looking at how much help you can afford - housework/childcare/night nanny to give yourself a break xx