Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

This sounds great but I don't know how this would be possible- did your baby not cry to be picked up or for other reasons regularly? Maybe your little one was older than my baby (currently 14 weeks) at that stage?

Babies usually sleep much better in prams - with the movement of the prams and in the fresh air. Honestly, I found it so much easier to be out and about with the baby than at home (especially because I lived with my in-laws which sounds as depressing as living with your mum).

Hi OP,

I can see that you seem to assume you would not manage alone in Paris. I would not put too much assumption on this. I had two under three, and a dog, and my husband worked away for six months of the year. No family help at all. I used to panic whenever my husband left for weeks on end to work away. But it was never as bad as I’d worked it up to be in my head. It really wasn’t. Sometimes I just focused on getting through the next hours. I didn’t look ahead. I also suffered post natal anxiety and it was hard to leave the house sometimes through fear. But I just did it in the end. Try Paris. You have nothing to lose at this point. If you can still afford to only work part time, even better. Do you own the apartment in Paris? You can always return to Ireland if you want. I’ve lived and worked in several countries abroad - you are strong if you have done this. Very strong. Don’t forget who you are. You didn’t end up bilingual and living in Paris without being a strong person. It takes a lot to build a life abroad in a country which is not your native language. You’ve totally got this.

Thank you @kiwiane for your experience of being on Mirtazapine. I took Clozapine for a exile pre-pregnancy and it absolutely kicked me for six (in terms of making me exhausted) - don't get me wrong, I don't want to put on weight, but if Mitrazpaine worked,I'd be tempted to take it. I may have mentioned that I took several different antidepressants in the past (many years ago) and they didn't have any impact in my mood, which is why I am reluctant to try one now.

And thank you @Shinyblackstone for changing your name to post what you did. Do you mind if I send you a DM?

I am also interested in sleep training.

Also, strap the baby in a carrier to your chest. My second child hated being put down. I just strapped them to me all day. If baby is crying after feeds and you are breast feeding, cut out all dairy for 48 hours. You’ll soon see a difference if dairy is making them grumpy.

Depends on the actual parent and childs manner and relationship.
So i myself would ratger be 60 going thru teenage life,, than peri and hormonal myself! With a younger teen.
Go figure.

Breast feeding co sleeping mother here. At first i struggled with it all the feeding, wake ups knowing whats wrong but it does all come together. You say about worrying about crying while out and about. I always took a pram and a carrier out with me. If they cried to be picked up i would put them in the carrier and push an empty pram. Also a baby is a baby they are going to cry its their way of communicating. I genuinely dont think most people mind. If he needed a feed while i was out id pop in a coffee shop and everyone was so lovely, carrying drinks over to my table for me, staff offering to bring over water and so on. It took me a few months to build my confidence but once i had it genuinely felt easy and i no longer feel i have lost my freedom i actually find it enjoyable taking him on my days out. I dont massively do baby centred things i do what i enjoyed pre baby and involve him in it. My local cinema does baby showings, or become a member of the your local attractions, week days are always full of mums and babies in the same boat. My little one has never slept through and is 18 months now but once i surrendered to co sleeping full time it didnt bother me, i would wake briefly get into a comfy cuddle and let him fall asleep side lying feeding and i would nod off like that too. Up until recently i did all nights completely by myself as i found it easier but my partner has taken over now as we get ready for baby number 2 to arrive and i still probably wake just as much to nip to the loo or for a glass of water! I would genuinely start doing thinks you enjoy maybe a nice coastal walk or something. It sounds like you have sacrificed so much you need to get a bit of your own life back

I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old and I think the confidence is something you just get by faking it until it becomes real. With my first baby I just started a couple weeks postpartum with a trip to a coffee shop and went from there- yes she cried sometimes, no I couldn’t always settle her within seconds but babies do cry and that’s just life. Once I felt confident at the coffee shop I moved onto baby cinema screenings (loved them), shopping trips etc. I am a much more confident mum this time round with that experience and have just got home from a week in Devon with both kids by myself, me and the kids went to the Lakes for a week in February and I’m heading off to France with them both on my own at the end of the month. I would never have believed I’d have that confidence in those early days with my first baby, it is something that comes with time and just giving things a go. And accepting that things look different now but different doesn’t have to mean worse.

The sleep- I have no advice really. My 2 year old still doesn’t sleep through the night, my 6 month old has pretty consistently from being 3ish months old, I haven’t done anything differently, both breastfed babies, just different temperaments!

Try the anti depressants its bound to help.
Please mention this to the doctors and mental health team.
Do not worry about the comments your sister says.
It depends on the type of child and your abilty to bond, cope and find some even middle ground while parenting.
I would be getting out for a daily walk, take some hours away for yourself.
Do you talk to those friends you left behind.
A young baby is very exhausting...i had a baby co sleeper bed that sat in my bed...it was great.
I listened to music, watched all sorts of stuff and went in a really good baby website Babycenter in the wee hours in the first few months for some sanity.
Boys once they are moblie are a delight, easy and very close to you
How about looking at getting some stabilty with meds even temporaily 6mths or so.
I hope it improves of course our own stories and experience can aline but its not all bad i can assure you.
Life can return once you get yourself feeling better and a not so young baby but get some advice asap.
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It does get easier from the point you are at yes. You honestly are in the worst of it. They do start sleeping better gradually and they seem less fragile which helps ease the anxiety. There will be times over the next few years that are hard (personally I found the stage where they are moving around but basically like lemmings very difficult, for example) but it's not linear. I wouldn't mind betting you feel much better in another three months time.

Honestly I remember being in such a state sometimes, crying my eyes out and exhausted and about ready to jump off a cliff. Now that all seems like a bad dream.

I also am on antidepressants - sertraline - since before pregnancy and never had an issue with breastfeeding or cosleeping. I really would give this a go, it will help with your clarity and ability to cope. Also, is there a chance you're perimenopausal? I pretty much went straight into it after my baby and by god that makes you feel like the world is ending. Might be worth talking to someone about that, I'm now on HRT and my capacity to cope and mood has improved no end. You can get pregnant during perimenopause.

My other suggestion is - is there any chance your mum or someone else could give you a night off here and there? Mine has had my son one night a week since he was about six months old and it's been an absolute godsend, it's what enables me to sleep and have some sort of life. And they have a lovely relationship as a result!

@StrawberryStace I have relative freedom about returning to work- I work for an association which isn't a big company or anything like that so I can back to work in November or in January. My boss isn't forcing me.

@SweetPeaGirl I totally hear you with regards sleeping. I'd love to be able to out the baby back in his cot when he wakes up at night but him falling asleep on my boob after I've pulled him in to bed beside me is one way I get sleep these nights. As I said above, I am interested in some gentle sleep training. Its probably a bit early to start right now, but do you know much about this? How long does slept training take? Can I DM you, please?

I just saw you're breastfeeding. You're making your life more difficult than it needs to be. Formula and dummy is how my daughter slept through the night from 4 months onwards. Don't make things harder for yourself.

Similar to this.

You have had a huge shock mentally, socially, emotionally and physically.

To have a baby is hard enough but never mind move country, language, friends, jobs house etc

It takes 5 years to start settling in a new place even your own town. Normally I would advise people to only move one thing - you have done all of them in one go.

I was single aged 41 with a baby and it was horrific. But I have a gorgeous and funny 13 year old now and a lovely husband!

Thank you @aquitodavia It's not impossible that ai might be perimenopausal. I do feel, as you appropriately put it, that the world is going to end. I'm out on a walk at the minute (my mother is minding the baby) and I feel happiest when I'm away from him. I feel awful saying that but I hope (and believe, from what I have read on here) that that feeling isn't that unusual at this stage.
My mother could mind the baby overnight and for that I'd either have to express milk which I have not managed to do- the two times I've used a pump the hospital lent me, I damaged my nipples- I could of course try again with a different pump, or else I could try him with a bottle of Cow & Gate.
It's really my freedom in the place I chose to make my home (Paris) that I crave- an evening at the cinema might be nice and I think that is possible, even in the coming weeks. But it's Paris I am aiming towards in the bugger picture. I just have this fear or returning to Paris and the baby immediately starts regressing or teething and the crying and sleeplessness goes into overdrive....

A few people have very interestingly suggested considering moving away from breastfeeding. It's very interesting because the therapist I have been seeing online is also an IBCLC consultant and even she suggested I could stop breastfeeding or at least consider it, because the hormones released during breastfeeding can also contribute to a woman not feeling like herself. I was very adamant to breastfeed and it really made me mentally unwell right at the start I have inverted, flat nipples). I'm glad I persisted but given how hellish and without joy these past 14 weeks have been, I really think I've given my son the very best start in terms of breastfeeding for over three months and I would be open to stopping. Does anyone think formula-fed babies sleep better, or is it just the fact that they can be fed by someone else that makes it easier? Because, again, even if I do go back to Paris, I will hopefully have a place un nursery, and as I mentioned above I can afford a babysitter once a week or so, but I won't have someone around me to help every evening or night.
My mum helps massively with cleaning and cooking - she does it all, I only cook a meal once a week while she minds the baby- but I see me and my baby's future in Paris. It's really trying to get him into a more regular sleep pattern and crying less that would make a difference. My therapist says the baby is much too young to have a regular structure of naps and sleep yet. That's fine- but I really hope it won't be years in the making.

Finally, I was naive about many things, coming into motherhood alone at age 44, but I don't want to give the impression that I thought a new-born would just be a breeze. I expected it to be tough. But I didn't expect it to be torture, which is what it has been.
Thank you all again.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with people upthread who posted that you don't need much freedom or time away to feel that you have reclaimed a bit of your old life - I'm on a walk right now to the shops and I feel that it's not enough. I want to keep walking and walking and never return to the house.
The other day, out for a walk, I passed a bus that was heading to Dublin, which also stops at the airport. I had my passport and phone and credit card in my handbag and I so wanted to hop on that bus to Dublin Airport and fly away...

Hi @BrendaSouleyman I read your posts last night and I completely know where you are coming from. My “baby” is 15 now but I remember very clearly the stage you are at. It’s utterly, utterly bewildering. Your life has been torn up and you’ve got this baby that rules the roost.

I can see the post box from my house, it’s a 2 minute walk. I remember crying because I couldn’t just pop down to it, I had the rigmarole of getting this baby ready, wrapped up, in the pram etc etc. it’s an utter head fuck. I think it’s harder when you’re older. I was 41. You’ve had freedom and a spontaneous life. I thought I’d completely messed up.

My baby was a terrible sleeper. I kept a sleep diary and still have it, it’s like records of torture.

at this stage, I think it’s important to just go with the flow. Sleep when he sleeps. Start binge watching series or listening to podcasts. You are a dairy cow. It took me a long time to accept this. I remember listening to Lauren Laverne who was having her second child and was reeling off the box sets she was planning to watch while breast feeding. Of course she knew, it was her second child.

I used to go to some baby groups and there are a lot of mothers who seemed to be on top of things. Or they are very good actors. I bonded with a 40 year old single mother who told me she didn’t have a clue what she was doing. We are still friends now. Just be honest and hopefully you’ll find some mum friends.

Make sure you get out for a walk every day, that’s so good for both of you. Start with short walks and then build up. I used to go out for hours and hours but that was probably 8 or 9 months in.

Get a baby bjorn sling (if they still exist). Get your mum to teach you the swaddle technique. Try white noise. I’ve got a photo of my daughter sleeping soundly on the floor with a speaker near her head! Whatever gets you through.

I think the return to Paris is a great idea. There will be so many more options of things to do. It would mess with my mind to move back to my home town.

I do think you’ll get this. You sound like a strong, independent woman. Of course you can do it. Parenting is definitely the hardest thing I’ve done. I’m proud of how my child has turned out. You will surprise yourself.

If you're on your own, BF is the easy option. I never imagined bf past 6 months and I was desperate to stop at 3-4 months. I didn't and once the hell of weaning/ teething/ilnnesses started, BF was my most amazing tool.

You've done the hard part of bf, most women quit by now.

Babies sleep when they are ready. Bf has little to do with it.

Well done on persevering with the breastfeeding until now! I think I've read research that says there isn't any difference between breastfed and formula fed babies when it comes to sleep so don't feel pressured to give it up. Switching to formula may make it harder honestly because feeding to sleep is the easiest thing in the world.

You really are in the worst bit now. To give some hope that you won't be sleep deprived for the next five years, my dd has slept through every night from about 13 months, but it also was a lot better long before that. Just one or two breastfeeds a night from about 6 months and she would be back to sleep, bar teething and sickness.

For me though I think this is where you have to combine your old life with your new life to keep things happy. As I mentioned before I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old and often do trips with them on my own while husband is at work- trips and exploring, going places, has always been something I enjoyed and I still do that now. Yes it’s different to pre-babies but it is still lovely! What stops you packing a bag for you and baby to head to Dublin? At this age you still really only need to think about what you fancy whereas with a toddler you do have to factor in what will be fun for them.

I get it!

Re the breastfeeding, yes I think formula fed babies sleep better and also it means someone else can do it, so a win from both points of view. They do just start to get quite hungry and breast milk isn't always enough. Once they start eating proper food that also helps with the sleep.

And absolutely, you have done brilliantly bf for three months. The evidence shows that you don't actually need that much breast milk to get the benefits. I was always combination as I struggled to produce enough (I also have very flat nipples and my baby had mild tongue tie). I was going to go to exclusively formula about three months, in the end I did still do the odd feed for about another month or so but then wound it down.

I found at 14 weeks my babies were at their most content being walked around in a carrier (sling) I used to say they would have been very happy if I was a Stone Age woman hunting and gathering all day and co sleeping all night. Trips out with the babies and the older ones were idyllic as lots of walking with baby in the carrier. Much more challenging at home needing to do all the jobs running a house with a baby that didn’t want to be put down but learned to do most jobs with baby in the carrier

I had to reply to you. I know you’ve had lots of great advice.

It can’t be underestimated how much your life changes when you have a baby, I was in shock when I had my girl and definitely had post partum anxiety bad. Throw in colic and reflux, a baby who hated sleep, my husband worked shifts so was barely here and I’ll be lying if I didn’t think at times WTF have I done. I called mental health services as I thought there was something seriously wrong with me as I hated it and she said “can I be honest? You just sound like a new mum”

I started going to a mum support group and it was the best thing I did, to be with other mums who were feeling like I did. It really helped. It is a shock! Not sure if you have anything similar near you.

I will say tho that you sound like maybe you changed too much, would moving back to Paris be an option? Take baby in a sling and go to places you like? Lay him down on a mat when you go to the toilet, he won’t go anywhere lol.
life doesn’t end; but you do have to adjust. You can still go to places, but it’s different now.

try and get some time for yourself doing things you like.

my daughter is now 4, and it’s challenging in ways but after babysitting my neice recently who is nearly 2, I can confirm they do get a bit easier. It’s a challenge in different ways but my daughter is a joy, can be hard work no doubt but the relentless slog of crying, nappies, not sleeping and repeat is over.

the baby stage is HARD but you’ll get through it. Consider Paris. Do things you like and take baby. Try and find an hour or two a week to go out somewhere for yourself. I hated baby groups. I did some but also took my DD to museums and for coffee stops instead.

your life isn’t over, you will adjust. Take it a day at a time. Good luck ❤️

It's ok, you have had several massive changes in a short time. You will feel so much better soon and maybe in the future you can move back to France. Nothing is as concrete or final as it feels right now.
I have DH and still had to inform him when I wanted a wee etc haha.
It's normal, it's exhausting and it ends!

Firstly I’d like to send you a big hug. I know you feel deep in the trenches right now, but I promise you it will get easier. While the sleep may not improve drastically quickly, you are nearly through the newborn stage. Soon your little one will be sitting up, eating food, playing and easier to distract when he starts crying. 3 months was around the turning point for me. Despite having my first at 20, I can still remember the total shock that it could take me around an hour just to get out the house. It’s almost incomprehensible before you have a baby that that would be the case!
Also, the sleep may get better quicker than you think! I have 4 DC and as babies they were all different with their sleep. I have done a mix of feeding/co sleeping/routines etc with all of them and I personally don’t think anything makes a huge difference whether they sleep well or not. Some do and some don’t.

I think it is a huge life adjustment to have a child at any age but after such a long time of freedom I can imagine it’s a shock. As well as the hormonal changes your body goes through, please be kind to yourself, your post makes me want to invite you and your son to my house for help and support!

You can get back to Paris. And you will! I don’t know whats the same as the UK but can you find a nursery or childminder…full time if you are able to. Take the time in the day to get your fill of your old life where you can do the things you want to do still. Could you look for another single parent in Paris with a similar aged baby to maybe pool resources. Honestly I really can see the attraction of setting up home with another mum. You could share duties and support?

Just to say my baby slept through at 8 weeks so there is hope 🥰 have you considered moving to somewhere you would be happier living xxx