Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I'm sorry you are going through this @BrendaSouleyman . I remember feeling how you feel, and I still do to some extent, this time around.
I have 3 kids I was a single parent aged 18 to my first and I felt as you do. Trapped. Wanting to run away is a sign of PND I'm sure. I had another 3 years after her but I had a supportive partner then. I now have a baby again because I decided to have another and I am pretty much a single parent this time too. It is HARD. Looking back I think it'd have hit me even harder if I had been older and had a great life before, like you did.

It will get better. Fourteen weeks is pretty much the peak of the unpredictable crying. There's a graph here I saw - https://cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/behaviour-emotions-and-mental-health/caring-for-your-crying-baby-icon/
I'm not sure what causes it - two of mine did it (not the first one). My baby is 6 months now and she cries much less than she did from 6 weeks - 4/5 months. When she cries now she can be distracted by toys or there is a clear reason usually. A lot of babies do this, no idea why as I did not even have time or energy to try take her to Drs or anything to figure out a possible reason. But it does pass. The sleeping I am also struggling with now, I do sleep training and baby doesn't get picked up out of cot all night, but she does wake a couple of times and cry for a few minutes which wakes me up and it is hard, also the fear that it will get worse. You need sleep though so prioritise this even during naps.

It will get better. It does. That is keeping me going this time also, because my older kids are 20 and 16 now and I know it does get better. I can sense from your posts that you'll have a lovely relationship when your son is older. xxx

I had a baby with CMPA and he was a completely different baby within a week of me completely giving up soy and dairy. If you can't see a difference, it's not there.

I remember being told as well, that our biological response to extreme stressor is our flight or fight response. Having a baby is one of the biggest life stresses we can go through. So imagining yourself running away or getting on a plane and not coming back is simply your flight response mode operating. When we're under such extreme stresses, it's natural to look for a way out, its part of being human. And of course most of us won't act on it but it doesn't for a second mean we're bad parents or don't love our children.

Apologies if this is a bit jumbled, I’m writing it whilst trying to keep my LO’s entertained.

Yes the advice is to reintroduce it to your diet. Either just go for it and have something like a milky coffee for a few days or you can follow the milk ladder yourself - I went for the full reintroduction because I was eliminating so many things I couldn’t possibly reintroduce everything slowly.

There are a lot of different opinions… for example I have spoken to different dermatologists in the same team who had opposing opinions on whether CMPA causes eczema (evidence says no but what they see says otherwise). I think all children with CMPA react differently.

My second had a terrible rash that only went after elimination, eye infections, reflux and gut issues. My oldest was a ‘happy spitter’ who pooed a lot - 10 times + a day when we introduced dairy to his diet at 6 months. Both had eczema that flares when they have dairy.

They’re non IGE allergies so we only figured it out with elimination and reintroduction. With my oldest his reaction built over time (we did several elimination reintroduction attempts to confirm) but my youngest is gassy/awake/increase in crying normally the night of exposure.

Cranial osteopathy did make a difference to my youngest too but not his CMPA or reflux - it was a nightmare putting him in a car seat as he was so tense but by the end of our first session he was ‘pliable’ and I could just lift him in and out! Cranial osteopathy made zero difference to my first either. I would say that’s because CMPA was underlying rather than tension where they can help.

Sleep wise if there’s and underlying issue, please don’t try sleep training yet - I am pro sleep training but it won’t work with a baby who can’t sleep/stay asleep because they are uncomfortable. My oldest slept through from 11 months when we figured his allergies out (and after some sleep training) my youngest is more complex and has obvious gut issues at night so we’re still not ready at 16 months.

Oh OP firstly be kind to yourself you have lived a long adult life child free, that's completely different than coming into parenthood in your 20s when really you've only had a few years of freedom, also hormones post birth are wild, and it does sound abit PND like do you have a healthcare provider you could discuss this with?
My initial thought when reading your post was you need to move back to Paris, there is no point living somewhere that doesn't fulfil you or make you happy for the sake of help from one or two people. Assuming its financially possible you can pay for help in Paris, so your have help and be somewhere that makes you happy.
Secondly having a baby doesn't stop you doing things you just need to adapt those things and leave longer to do them because nothing is quick with a baby in tow, I still have my hobbies from pre baby they just come with me, you can still travel it just looks different, the mindset needs to change from I cant to I can just with adaptations
The sleep thing honestly, babies can sleep through the night so don't get into this dark hole of your never going to sleep again, both of mine slept through from a few months old and never really regressed, of course we have the odd night where they wake up but never more than once and not every night (I'm not bragging btw and don't want to be one of those mums) I'm just trying to reassure you it may not be years of sleepless nights!
Also once baby is a bit older and gives something back and starts interacting it becomes so much more joyful, personally I find the new-born stage boring (I'll probably get shot for saying that on here)

It does take weeks I believe, my son had to go on hydrolysed formula which he didn't like but we managed to get enough in him, and he got used to it. It was the omeprazole which took the pain of his silent reflux away. Are your baby's poos normal? My son didn't have the cmpa rash but he had very loose, frequent stools that absolutely reeked. There was always sort of curds of undigested mill solids in them and finally a bit of blood which finally made the health visitor realise it wasn't just reflux but cmpa.

Happy to chat via dm if it helps at all!

“Sleep wise if there’s and underlying issue, please don’t try sleep training yet - I am pro sleep training but it won’t work with a baby who can’t sleep/stay asleep because they are uncomfortable. My oldest slept through from 11 months when we figured his allergies out (and after some sleep training) my youngest is more complex and has obvious gut issues at night so we’re still not ready at 16 months.” @Millie279

yes just want to add as someone else who has mentioned sleep training that it should only be done once any medical/pain issues have been addressed. Apologies, I should have included that in my original post.

I'm the same as well with mine. And again it's not a bragging post but just a reassurance that some babies do sleep through the night. Mine are four and one and the one year old does still have some nights where they are awake with teething etc but it's usually just some pain relief and then they are back to asleep. Same if they are ill or when they had night terrors.

But I can hand on heart say with both of them, I've never had nights when I've been awake ALL night with them, or they've been awake for hours during the night, or up hideously early, or battles to go to bed or I've had to stay with them for ages to go sleep. Both mine just drop off to sleep. I think it is luck of the draw, my nephew is a hideous sleeper and my poor in-laws are exhausted. But you can get good sleepers and if not there are ways in which you can encourage good sleep.

I've come back to your thread a couple of times OP. I can read your love for your son in every post you write, so please don't worry that you don't love him enough, or your love for him isn't the kind you're meant to experience. You are doing amazingly. Being a single parent of a baby must be so hard, especially when you get the kind of kid that makes life even more of a drudge than your average baby does!

I hope it's ok to tell you my experience. Baby 1 struggled to regain birth weight. I became so consumed with anxiety I wasn't myself at all. I had a lovely NCT group but I couldn't for the life of me understand how they were engaging in conversation with each other when my head was permanently filled with worry that my child was starving. I felt like a non human looking in. Baby 2. Well. He'd read a different play book. CMPA baby who didn't sleep more than an hour at a time, and only when held, night and day for the first year. I was on my knees!

Now admittedly, mine are 6 and 3, so it's perfectly possible that parenting teens will be worse in some ways but for me it is just so, so much easier once they can tell you what they need and you can tell them stuff back.I can tell you categorically that no toddler tantrums, no sibling squabbles, no fussy eating, no nursery bug when you've got a big work thing on could ever come close to being as hard as the first year for me. I firmly believe that different people find different parts of parenting more stressful. Some, for instance, love the newborn stage and find chasing after a grouchy toddler awful. Some people have horrific pregnancies and nothing is ever so bad again once baby is born.. I have a feeling that you'll be similar to me, because of your comments about how the awful bit is hearing your son cry and not knowing what is wrong. That part ends, and ends soon in my experience. I would heartily recommend baby signing as it brings that time even earlier.

I won't wish you luck OP as I firmly believe you don't need it. The days go slowly but the months go fast and before you know it, you are going to learn who that little boy is and with every aspect of his character you discover, your love for him will swell until you have no idea how how life felt complete before he came along.

Oh I found the adjustment to motherhood so hard. It's so jarring and young babies really need you in a way that does change. For what it's worth I find toddlers and preschool easier (it has challenges but by God they can be bribed and the occasional film put on! You can shower in more relative peace and you can find more people to give you a break). My younger is 15 months and it's miles better than a year ago - especially now she's weaned and walking. I would hate to go back to the newborn/ baby stage if I'm honest.

I'm a big believer in the mantra, happy mum, happy baby. Go back to Paris where you're happy, find your people there. Bless your mum but this doesn't sound like a long term solution xx

My postnatal phase was much harder at 41 than it was at 35 (I got intense PNA about 3 days after the birth, luckily picked up on swiftly by my midwives), and I do wonder if it's because my ability to produce a baseline level of hormones was already getting less resilient.

My first was a grumpy baby. And by grumpy I mean screamed and screamed his little heart out. All. The. Time. So I feel you and I hear you. I never went to baby groups because I would pay an insane amount to just stand there with my boob out trying to console my baby. I avoided going into town, out for lunch, going for a coffee, because he might cry and then I’d get overwhelmed. My husband was useless with him (not a baby person), parents not local, in-laws MIA, so I felt like I was on my own. So where I can’t empathise with being a single mum, I can understand how hard it is. Hats off to you!

I was planning on being a stay at home mum but when the time came I ended up going back to work, just 2 days a week, because I needed to for myself.
Please let me tell you, it gets better, it really does. I don’t know when was, it’s all a blur to be honest. But I really love now, sitting having cuddles while reading book after book, watching my now just turned 3 year old playing with his tractors and cars, his constant chitter chatter. Don’t get me wrong, different anspects are harder, we had the terrible twos, tantrums and attitude, but it’s different, it’s nothing like the first months of his life.
I’ve always worked with children, of all ages, and not to blow my own trumpet, I’m bloody brilliant with children! So I thought I’d be a great mum, I knew I always wanted children but didn’t end up having him until age 35 so don’t know if that was a contributing factor but I really felt like I failed at motherhood. I think I’m ok now…
So please be reassured, it does get better, I promise! (I now also have a 5 month with a completely different personality, much more chilled out, it shows how different they can all be)

i always remember a friend of mine saying that her first baby was like something out of a text book so she had a second who was totally different. She said that had she had the second one first she wouldn't have had another and that rather than it being her mothering it was the babies totally different personalities that counted, Some babies are just much harder for a multiplicity of reasons, I honestly think that some of them don't like being tiny babies and seem to be much happier when they can do things such as sit up, grip a toy, focus properly etc

Firstly, congratulations on becoming a parent - it’s a wild ride but it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. You seem like a very caring mother from your responses but you need some support, please hound your local services until you feel you have the help you need because so many women don’t get that.

I’m a mum of one (3.5 year old) and I can genuinely say you are going to experience so many incredible feelings as you watch your child grow, but those newborn days are incredibly tough with very little back from them. I didn’t really enjoy the newborn stage and I noticed a huge difference in my overall wellbeing when my daughter started weaning and was able to express her enjoyment of her first tastes. Everyday involves something new to try and experiment with flavours…their facial expressions are brilliant! That was the turning point for me. Ohhhh…and just wait until he starts talking!

Everyone’s experience is different but our daughter slept through the night from around 10 months (when she started attending nursery 3 days a week - not sure if this was a coincidence or if she was just much more tired). She’s been a great sleeper ever since. He’s probably too young just now and I personally haven’t used one but lots of Mums highly rate sleep consultants, might be worth looking into.

I echo what a lot of posters have said - maybe moving back to Paris would be the best thing for you and your son. Can you imagine moving back home as a 44 yo without your baby son? Having a baby and moving back home while doing both those things living at your mum’s house - that’s a lot! Life will be different, having a child changes everything and I’m not going to lie and say it’s all better, because it’s not. It’s just different, you adapt and you learn to enjoy things you might never have tried previously.

Could you possibly phase back to work gradually, a day a week at first and put your son into childcare/nanny/childminder? The routine might just give you the space and adult company you need. I always feel like a much better Mum when I have a bit of time to myself (either at work or socialising).

I hope you get the help and support you need. Things will get better. Wishing you all the best 💕

Sorry you are feeling like this! The sleep deprivation is rough. For me, bed sharing with baby made the nights much easier when breastfeeding..good to do all the research around this and make sure you do it safely though. I would also echo what others have said about the sling being a great place for an unsettled baby. It holds them in the upright position which is good for reflux and some babies just like being on the move and out and about. It does get easier, the baby will get more predictable and eventually be able to communicate needs and you don't worry about every tiny little thing. Yes there will be new challenges but you are becoming more experienced each day and are able to deal with them.

When your toddler had a melt-down because he/she wanted a biscuit, no THAT biscuit @Babyboomtastic did you feel suicidal? Like you were clinging to life by your fukkin fingertips? Was the only reason you weren't hospitalised because the region you're in (Northern Ireland, in my case) is the only region of the U.K. that doesn't have a mother and baby unit? No, I'd imagine not. I imagine you felt very frustrated, like tearing your hair out. That's very different. You compare a general experience with a baby, or perhaps your personal experience with a baby, with YOUR experience of a toddler, which is not what this thread is about.
The nurses at the perinatal mental health service asked my older sister, one week after I was discharged from hospital, who would look after my son if i were hospitalised, and because she had the presence of mind to persuade them weren't at that stage yet, knowing I would be separated from my baby, I was allowed to go home and escape separation from my baby. I've re-read my original post and unless my mind and logic are totally skewed, the despair I feel is clear as a day right there from the start. So could you please have a modicum of sensitivity!

My baby does not make my life hell. My anxiety and my terror of not bring able to manage, of never living in Paris again, of never enjoying life again, of always feeling this terror of his purple crying and terror of him not waking up, make me life absolute and utter hell at the moment. The sense of being in a prison of unpredictability, terror and endless sleeplessness that I won't escape for at least a year is just so awful.

I've worked part-time with children since 2021 and I'm for more interested in their crap drawings and their glittery new shoes they're so keen yo show me than in any nightclub. I've been to a nightclub twice in my life. I hate clubs. It doesnt tie in with @Walkyrie notion of the "partying lifestyle" that she claimed I'm selfish for missing, but hey ho.

Aside from those couple of outliers, once again I have read through so many kind and thought-provoking posts and I want to respond to those tomorrow. Thank you so much to everyone who took a substantial amount of time to share experiences and suggestions, even if different to mine. It means so much to me.

Op I'm so sorry you are going through this. Keep asking for support where you can. Keep going doing what you are doing take one day at a time and I honestly believe you'll feel better soon. Baby will get easier too!. My first baby definitely got easier around the 4 month-5 month mark. If you don't feel better please go back to doctors etc. but we are here with you!

Looking after new babies and becoming a mother is one of the hardest things you can do, especially if you had a needy baby like yours ,(and mine). I had my first at 37 and second at 40 and being older I think it is more of a shock to the system! Also no one warns you how hard it is!!! Some people have easy babies that sleep all the time (mine only slept 20 mins at a time and cluster fed all evening until 13 weeks).
Also - it's ok not to enjoy every minute! But can bet you in a years time you'll feel different.

No, because I'm fortunate that I've never had PND. Clearly PND makes having a baby much more difficult, but it's the PND that does that, not merely the baby. Hormones can be hell after birth.

My mental health was ok when I had a toddler, but I was absolutely clinging to life by fingertips. I had maybe 3 hours sleep a night, broken into segments of 30 minutes, as she woke literally hourly. Then I'd trudge through work. Life felt like it was in black and white. I sobbed to strangers who asked if I was ok. I was NOT ok. I had a constant cold for 9 months nee my body was too weak to fight it off.

I'm not being insensitive, I just think it's cruel to just tell people what they want to hear. You see on here all the time, when people post about newborns they get told it gets better. Then in nine months time, 18 months time, they post the same asking why it hasn't got better, people say that it's because they didn't want to be mean. So yes I'm honest about my experience because it's not fair or right to lie.

I think everything gets more manageable when they sleep, there's just a huge variation when that is. Same for less crying. My first rarely cried, my second was very colicky, with pacing up and down the streets at 3am.

For you, now, I think getting some good MH support is essential though. If you are able to get out with the baby in a sling (it doesn't matter if they cry or not), then that might help build confidence. I liked using ear buds with classical music to drown out crying - baby won't know, and if your heart rate slows and calms, so will theirs. Leave him to go to the toilet - he'll follow your soon though! As long as baby's needs are met, you don't have to be the most entertaining mum in the world. Use any leftover energy on you. I couldn't take a bath without baby getting grumpy for me, so we'd take baths together and turn it into something lovely.

feel free to DM if you want someone to talk to. Also an older mum of youngun. It’s hard going.

My baby does not make my life hell. My anxiety and my terror of not bring able to manage, of never living in Paris again, of never enjoying life again, of always feeling this terror of his purple crying and terror of him not waking up, make me life absolute and utter hell at the moment. The sense of being in a prison of unpredictability, terror and endless sleeplessness that I won't escape for at least a year is just so awful.

@BrendaSouleyman I'm diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and your description of anxiety and terror sounds similar to how I have felt at times, I catastrophize and feel that I can't get through a situation, and/or that something terrible's going to happen. It's so debilitating, more so because you're a new Mum.

I know that you've tried anti-depressants in the past with little effect, but I wouldn't rule out trying one out that's compatible with bf as it could work this time. I had to try a couple before I found one that worked - and when it did, I was a different person three weeks later. The anxiety receded and I could think clearly again. If you can't co-sleep on AD's, you could get a Next to Me crib, I had one for my children and it worked out well.

Lost the will with this post

I found the first few months of motherhood incredibly hard myself, and those comments of 'it doesn't get any easier' I have found to be absolute bullsh*t. If you are finding this stage to be really tough, know that it will almost certainly get easier. And quickly. And remain that way!

I found the contstant demands a young baby puts on you almost unbearable. My daughter is now 2 and a half, and I find life much easier at this point. Yes she can 'talk back' but wow! She can talk! She can tell me what she needs if she's upset or not well etc.
No more night feeds. One regular nap a day makes it easy to plan days out etc. She can be left for 5 minutes in the front room while I cook, clean or go pee. She sleeps through most nights, though sometimes has just one short wake up, and I'm not sleep deprived any more. Nursery a few days a week makes a huge difference too.

Although you'll never be quite as 'free' and flexible as you were before motherhood, you will absolutely be able to do more and more normal grown up things like going out for meals, the gym, or theatre for a night out as time goes on and you find your support network. I made good mum friends through being your baby exercise and yoga classes (mum focussed ones) and they have been invaluable.

You've gone through two of the biggest possible changes to your life with moving house and country and having your baby. Try to be gentle with yourself. Those are both massive upheavals and it sounds really natural to be having a hard time adjusting. Look for classes and groups that are you focussed. Can you leave baby with your mum for a little while to get a bit of time for yourself? Like a few hours of you time to do something 'normal' out of the house? It really makes a big difference.

I hope things start looking up for you really soon. I really think it will get easier as you find your rhythm with motherhood. Best of luck with it all.

There's an interesting Ted talk I watched recently on the cause of PND and 'mum brain' that frames things in a more positive way. The idea is that the terror and catastrophising new mothers feel may have been key to human survival back in our evolutionary history.

I'm bad at explaining, but I'd really recommend it at as a way to understand that your brain isn't 'broken' and that things get better.

It's called 'how the brain changes of motherhood help human survival' by Dr Lara Harvey. Here's the link: i

My baby also cried lots, was bf and definitely had constipation. Its absolutely possible. I did use lactulose too and usually just gave it for a few days at a time then after a good BM or two stopped it until she needed it again (i.e. when she hadn't pooped for a whole day or so).

Re: your worry what to do if she's crying and your out and they won't settle

1. The crying is far more intrusive to you than to anyone else. Don't worry about it. Unless you're somewhere absolutely silent most people will honestly hardly notice someone else's crying baby. You're biologically attuned to care about your own baby crying so it feels so much more intense to you!
2. You can develop a checklist: feed them. Change them. Teething? Give calpol. Sleepy? Snuggle. Sing to them. Rock or push them around in the pram. Hold them upright and wander about (worked really well for my baby!). Put them in a sling and walk around. Take them into a new environment to distract them. Try the lactulose if they haven't pooped. Etc... you'll get to know loads of little things your own baby might need or might work.
3. You might find they cry less when you're out anyway. My baby cried much less whenever we were out and about, and she would nap in the pram or just look at all the new things and people!

I felt it got easier and easier from probably 4 months or so. It got easier by the week. She started waking much less in the night and around 6-8 months she was down to one early wake up around 8pm then one around 5ish before up for the day around 8am. So really only one night wake up and that was short. It will be unique for your baby but it really will change quickly.