Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I'm not sure I would want something that
made me sleepier that would be my worry with the medication. Maybe have a chat with a nurse or someone else that could talk you through the different options?
it definitely does get better and you do adapt. When they are walking and talking it becomes so much fun and you csn play, show them lovely things , take them for days out and farms etc , read lovely books, holidays etc. The tiredness does made everything seem much harder , hence my comment about not wanting something to make you feel more tired. Boys often do settle into a sleep routine much earlier as far as I can gather. Hang in there it will get better xx

My GP told me, when we suspected CPMA, to avoid even a trace of soy or milk for 6 weeks i think it was, or it wouldn't work as an investigation, as they are the same allergy group. I'd try that and then the egg separately so you can try and eliminate.

It feels overwhelming but soon will become a distant memory.

I didn't get that impression at all from OP - she's clearly overwhelmed by the crying and sleep deprivation on a physical and mental level and is struggling to see past it. I also think she's changed a lot at once with moving countries, moving back home, leaving Paris. It's a lot in itself even without the baby.

PND is different for everyone and I think it's massively unfair to tell a new mother who is clearly struggling, that they don't have it as bad as everyone else. It isn't a top trumps game, you can't just snap out of PND.

Most of choose motherhood, but absolutely nothing prepares you for it. It's OK and nornam to mourn your loss of freedom, to grieve your former life. Mums need to be given space and support to do this. It's attitudes and comments like yours that tell mums who miss their former life that they somehow aren't concerned about the welfare of their child or they should "just step up" that makes it so hard for women to ask for help. Because they'll know be judged as somehow not being good mums.

I don't see anywhere the OP isn't concerned for her sons welfare. She's still showing up for him every day. She's engaged with several health professionals for both herself and her sons health and in attempt to get better herself. All I read is a mum desperately trying to adjust to her life as a mum and make things more manageable for her mum and son.

I was crippled by PND and was hospitalised in a mother and baby unit. A lot of my feelings were around missing my old life and wanting to run away. Did it make me a bad mum. No. Did it make me not concerned for my sons welfare. Absolutely not.

In fact it was having a plan b of an escape that almost helped me in my recovery. I was told by the perinatal psychologist it was OK for me to have this, if it helped me cope. And it did in someway. I was able to slowly make it through each day almost because I somehow felt I had a means of escape. And then days turned into weeks and months and here I am now four years down the line with two children.

We need to stop shaming mums as not being caring or good enough just because they miss their old life or don't immediately fall in love with their child or motherhood. They need support and empathy, not told they don't care for their children or their depression and feelings minimised.

This post is really fucked up. I think you should sit with and reflect on what you have written here. It isn’t kind, it isn’t helpful, and it doesn’t sound as though your own experience has taught you much in the way of compassion.

I didn’t have PND but I did massively miss my old life, as well as loving my child. These feelings can coexist, it’s just we don’t talk about them much. Shaming women who miss their autonomy is just likely to have even more of a silencing effect. I’m shocked by your response to her.

@Looociee couldn’t agree with you more.

Posters saying it doesn’t get easier tells me they never went through what @BrendaSouleyman is going through in the first place.

Had to mention the nutramigen. It stinks. My child with CMPA absolutely refused it and didn’t help that I was breast feeding so struggling with the transition to another bottle.

I had to go soya free as well as diary free and then things got better. Soya and diary are mollecually similar. Even today my son has a diary and soya allergy.

Push for a paediatric referral with an allergy specialist and discuss the options.

Dreadful post@Walkyrie

Judgemental and unhelpful.

And your experience of PND has got no relevance to @BrendaSouleyman

I'm glad to see it's been deleted. I sincerely hope the OP didn't see it and instead can take comfort in the other more supportive posts on this thread.

I did see it. I don't mind a bit of constructive criticism if it comes with a suggestion as to how to proceed meaningfully, but I know that some people just love to feel superior to others, no matter how much the other person is suffering. Clearly Walkyrie's PND was a superior version of PND to mine and she's a better mother than I am. 🙄
To be clear: I love my son dearly. It's not the overwhelming unconditional love I thought I would feel, but I am hanging in here for him, for me, for us, for our future relatonship. I have felt suicidal because of this hell.
Thankfully the many thoughtful and generous contributions on here far outweigh that kind of post.

I didn't see it, but I am appalled that anyone who has suffered PND could do anything other than attempt to lift up and support another new mother currently struggling with PND. OP - you are doing all the right things and hopefully they will start paying off soon. I'd try the treatment for silent reflux - there's no harm if it doesn't work. My DS was a screamer who hardly slept and the midwife also told me it was unlikely to be silent reflux so he was never treated, but when he learned to talk he described sore tummies and a burning sensation in his throat when he lay down and said he'd always had it so the midwife was clearly wrong.

Things will also naturally get better as your baby gets older and more independent. The baby and toddler years are a slog though, and I wish I'd realised that sooner so that I could lower my expectations and get through those years with plenty of early nights knowing that I would get my life back eventually! Sleep is underrated in supporting mental health and if I had my time again I'd go to sleep at the same time as baby so I could deal with the night wakings better, rather than trying to stay up and have some 'me-time'. I don't know why we're not more honest with women considering motherhood, but it would make that transition so much easier.

Haw you reintroduced dairy to your diet to test it? If you’ve had it out of your system for over 8 weeks it’s worth a try.

It is incredibly hard to avoid soya, harder than dairy in my experience. I had no soya or diary in my diet for over 12 months and it wasn’t fun. Also tried elimination and reintroduction with oats, fish, nuts and egg at points but quickly realised they weren’t the issue. My LO has a significant soya allergy and projectile vomited when we have tested it whereas now tolerates butter and cheese in small amounts in his diet. So whilst diary is the most common it’s not always the issue. It’s a minefield and there’s not enough help about sadly.

I think the unconditional love part builds over time, it gets lost in the haze of hormones and panic when you first have baby. Don't stress about it. You sound like you are a very committed mother to me!! I honestly love my kids more everyday. It grows over time (in my experience)

Becoming a mum should be the most wonderful thing for women bringing out our mothering instincts.
it takes much courage to put the post up that you have, well done. Not sure I could have.
However the reality can be quite different.

1. You are introducing a new human being into the world and you need to get to know them as they need to get to know you.
2. Their only way of communicating is by crying and with my two they did a lot of this.
3. My view was to always respond even when I did not know what the issue was. This would give them confidence in the long term that I would be there for them if needed so they would only cry when they needed something because. I had always responded to their needs regardless. I think it really worked.
4. i was older when I had mine and the sleepless nights was a killer and the person who said sleep when the baby sleeps is right.
5. The assumption of that instant strong bond with the baby is misplaced in my view and I did not feel it instantly. I breastfed both of mine albeit not successfully but I felt like ‘Daisy the Cow’ and I did wonder what normal life could be like during all of this.
6. However day by day it changed and I realised the baby stage was not my favourite part as I really wanted a little human who I could talk to.
7. I felt others probably could do it better and maybe they could but I have two wonderful children now grown up and looking back it was worth it. Some of your story resonates with me.
8. Be kind to yourself.

Stay positive, believe in you, and moving forward you will be with your little boy who no doubt you will be proud of. Try to see one positive thing each day.

Hi I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like a lovely person. It's a huge adjustment having a baby.

Maybe see things as short term and long term. Short term-So see if your mum can look after your baby while you go to the gym, walk or cinema/theatre whatever you want to do. Long term-move back to Paris in 6 months. Get back in touch with your employer in Paris and see if you can return to your old job.

Moving back in with parents after a long time living abroad is also a massive adjustment as well and maybe you are feeling trapped by that.

Felt so moved by what you describe had to write. Your sis is wrong, it DOES get easier.
Lots of books on the subject inc Matresence. About the changes you go through to become a mum. Nothing prepares you for it but you will get through the shock and come through the other side. Nothing NOTHING to me was as brutal as coming to terms with being a mum, and newborn loneliness. But it passed slowly but surely and now with my lovely 5 year old I can tell you - it DOES get better. Just hang on in there, this too shall pass - mainly because you’ll will change incrementally from you before to you as a mum - then you’ll start to regain the you before and before you know it, you’ll be back together again. A richer, patchwork of who you are. With a lovely little person by your side. Promise.

OP - my children started going to a childminder for odd days here and there very young (8 weeks I think) so that I could do Keeping In Touch days and occasionally just catch up with life. I know it's expensive but if it buys breathing space, he'll be absolutely fine.

i rarely comment on here, but after reading your post, I couldn’t not reply.

Firstly, have you considered bottle/formula feeding? Or even topping up with formula?
I understand the incredible benefits of breastfeeding, but when you’re feeling the way you are, bottles/formula may take some pressure off you and also help baby stay full/settle for slightly longer. Also it may open up the possibility of having more medication options for you.

i was 31 when I had my first baby. He was not planned and I had only been with my now husband 3 months when we found out I was pregnant! I’d never planned to have kids, and before meeting my husband I’d been very happily single all my adult life. So I absolutely understand the total shock of life suddenly changing so intensely. It’s completely over whelming and can feel unbearable.
i was under the care of the peri natal mental health team and they honestly saved my life. I encourage you to continue to speak to them, be 100% open and honest about everything you’re feeling. I was diagnosed with perinatal OCD during pregnancy, then post natal OCD after my son was born. When he was born I was devastated. I had no interest in him. He was in NICU for a week and was very poorly to start with (he was 5 weeks early) and I genuinely didn’t care. I wanted him to die. I was very very mentally unwell and, like you, had imagined that if he survived, I’d put him in to care because I couldn’t do this. Thanks to my perinatal psychologist and psychiatrist I was able to take it a day at a time and despite how I felt (or didn’t feel) about my bay, I continued to care for him and ensure he had all his needs met. I did everything that was suggested to me to help with bonding, but inside I was still wishing and praying for this all to be over.

when he was about 7 weeks old I started to feel a slight fondness towards him. Then when he was about 10 or 11 weeks, I finally got “the rush of love”. He is about to turn 3 now and he is the absolute centre of my world. I wouldn’t change him or the life I have with him for anything. Life is so much more exciting seeing it through his eyes and sharing the world with him. It really is an indescribable, primal, overwhelming love.

I promise it gets better. Take all the help you can get, make use of the perinatal mental health team, seriously consider meds, and find ways to incorporate baby into your life, instead of changing your entire life to revolve around baby. Go to baby friendly screenings of movies at the cinema, book a lovely holiday for you and baby (and maybe your mum too) to all enjoy together. Life doesn’t need to end when you become a parent.
things do get easier. Baby WILL sleep through at some point. You’ll get more and more alone time as baby gets older. If you decide to work, baby can go to nursery (I went back to work when my son was 11 months old and he started private nursery, it was so good for both of us).
Even if your mum can’t help through the night, ask her to have baby for a few hours during the day so you can do something you enjoy by yourself.
You are not alone in how you’re feeling, it is so common. It is terrifying when you’re in it, but there’s help there. Sending you big hugs. You’ve got this!

The best thing you can do for your child is to stay-alive for them. Get the help you need to reach a better place for you and baby. Don’t sweat the little things. If sitting and watching TV relaxes you, then do it. Don’t think you have to keep up with the Jones’. Your baby just wants you to be happy. Happy mum, happy baby.

I wish you every bit of luck through the - in my opinion ‘nightmarish’ - newborn stage. The toddler stage is soooo much better.

Sending you virtual support.

@Millie279 Thank you for your post about allergies. How did you know what your child reacted to- was it immediate? I have eliminated dairy thinking it might have contributed to my son's excessive crying. I am do anxious that I can't really tell if it has made a difference. Should I reintroduce it to see if my son cries more and if so, would he cry more straight away? Or might there be a delayed response? To be clear, the lactation consultant I have mentioned upthread, who has written a book on reflux- Carol Smyth- thinks that silent reflux is massively over-diagnosed and that, if my som has a dairy allergy, it would manifest as a respiratory issue or as a rash or spots on the skin (and he doesn't have those issues).
One doctor I consulted said that might not necessarily be an issue and that excessive crying can also be the result of CMPA. So I'm very confused.
One thing the doctor told me is only to eliminate one food group at a time, so we could see which one was potentially causing the problem.

Hi Op,

i really empathise with you regarding the shock to the system and the complete loss of freedom of these early stages.

i have not read the full thread as you have had some very long and comprehensive replies and I’m a bit pushed for time, but just wanted to offer some reassurance:

1. your baby is still really little and will change very rapidly over the next 8 months (and beyond, but I can only talk about the first year from experience!)

2. sleep - it’s not always popular on here, but after 4-6 months it is possible to sleep train and it is effective if you choose the right method as know how much sleep your baby needs. what is key is knowing when the baby is tired and ready for bed and not putting them to bed or trying any sleep training before that point.

There is no need to leave them to cry it out and it’s not about forcing them to sleep through the night before its age appropriate- it’s about getting a routine in place and minimising wake ups to one’s that are for necessary feeds. We sorted sleep at 5 months old and went from hourly wake ups to two efficient feeds in the night and 3 naps at similar times each day. Then quickly down to two naps per day and night feeds were dropped naturally around 7 months when solids were established, though some babies won’t drop all night feeds till a bit later than this.

This helped me feel way less chaotic and was really helpful for my mental health. Sound Asleep Guru on Instagram is a fantastic resource and she is evidence based. She gives away tons of advice for free on her grid. She saved me.

3. once the baby starts nursery and you’re back at work, even if it’s part of the time, you will start to feel more like yourself again.

4. if you don’t have one, we found the sling invaluable for when he was crying, had been fed and burped and changed and just carried on crying. It seemed to soothe him really quickly and often got him off to sleep when all else had failed. We would do a head to toe check, and if there was no other obvious cause of the crying we’d pop him on the sling. If you haven’t got one then highly recommend.

sorry if any of this is repetitive or not helpful.

Hi OP, I wrote an earlier post where I suggested cranial osteopathy.

Please do consider trying it, it was lifechanging for me with my youngest son.

My baby had CMPA.

His symptoms were constant crying / screaming - he seemed in pain all the time. It was awful but the GP’s kept telling me he had silent reflux and giving me Ranitidine.

He also had horrendous cradle cap and rashes around his mouth. His weight gain was also quite slow.

CMPA wasn’t suggested to me until he was almost 4 months old and so I was told to cut dairy out of my diet for 6 weeks to see if I noticed any changes. Within about a month his skin started to improve and his crying/distress had definitely improved.

At the 6 week mark of being dairy-free the GP told me to binge on dairy, wait two hours and then feed my baby and wait to see if there was an obvious change in him (either an immediate change or one that occurred over the next days) and that would confirm an allergy.

So I binged on dairy…… I had a really cheesy pizza, a massive chocolate bar and a chocolate milkshake. It was heaven!!!

I then waited two hours and then breastfed, and within 3-4 hours my baby’s skin just erupted. It was awful. He came out in patches of eczema all over his face and arms. His skin went really red, dry and raised and me kept scratching at it.

Thankfully as it was just a one-off dairy binge his skin settled again over the next 3-4 days.

I did feel guilty but at least it removed any doubt over the CMPA.

I was then allowed to start slowly re-introducing dairy back into my diet when he was 12 months old and by that age he was able to tolerate it via my milk. He couldn’t have dairy directly though until he was over 2.5 years old.

Just a small point, but the dummy straight out of the packet, or with even a tiny drop of sterilising fluid on it, will taste vile.
Could it be the taste that baby doesn't like?
Wash thoroughly, and check it in you own mouth to see what it tastes like.

After my baby, I was devastated at the loss of my pre-pregnancy body. I had her quite young, and thought 'why did I ruin my lovely breasts so early in my life?'
There is often a process of grieving for what you have lost after a baby.
Allow yourself to grieve.