Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I hate it when people say it doesn't get it easier - LOL, are you joking! It gets way easier! Mine are 9&12 and I love love love our life. We have so much fun, I love watching their sport, I can have a laugh with them etc. Of course we still have our moments but in no way do the two eras compare. I remember the newborn and toddler years just being so incredibly hard and feeling that terror. Hang in there honestly OP. Sounds like you also do need some support. I wish I had got support at the time. <3

it definitely gets easier, I had babies who sounded exactly the same - reflux, CMPA diagnosis etc, I just think their digestive system needed to develop and by 6 months they were much happier. Bottle feeding and anti depressants helped a lot but the best thing was going back to work and having time and another focus. If you bottle feed at any point, take two or three sterilised bottles and pre made formula in the little bottles to bed so you don't need to get out of bed if you co sleep. The first six months are shit but it gets easier and easier. You'll get through this and be so glad you did. Also, get back to Paris ASAP. Wandering around a gallery with a bay in a sling is so much better than the streets in Ireland.

Lots of great advice here @BrendaSouleyman, and I am so sorry you are finding life so tough right now.

One more thing to add that I haven’t been able to spot if it’s been said: the internet isn’t always your friend.

People only post about the tough times (understandably; people are looking for help). It’s a lot like reviews - only the negative things end up online. But this can become very reinforcing when you’re at rock bottom yourself.

I know you need support, but maybe try stepping away from the internet/forums just a little bit to reduce the psychological reinforcement. (Obviously make sure you have your support network around you, and spend time with people and being outside if you can).

It does get better

Oh that’s not a very positive thing to say 🙈 The OP needs support and encouragement, and what on earth is wrong with having a teenager at that age? It will be great and keep her young.

OP: the issues are being back in your grey home after 21 years in Paris. And having no partner.

What happened with the car accident is very sad but you’ll just have to let that fade with time. It is right to avoid your mum being over tired when driving.

Baby has every chance of sleeping well, so I’d focus on establishing a secure routine for both of you. At 8 weeks one feed is dropped (usually I think the midnight one) and at set stages other feeds drop. Naturally. And your baby will sleep longer. My baby did but I was very quick to pick her up and hold her close. She got a lot of physical reassurance. I think you need help with sorting out how you get the sleeping settled.

Of course at some point babies start sleeping through the night and this is ALL temporary, just a phase. You need support. Wish I was nearby, I’d help you! But I do think you need to think about your life. If you were in Paris with your baby, and paid for childcare to help, someone coming to the home - how does that seem as an idea?

Hang in there, it definitely does get better! I have 3 kids ranging from 14-21 and for all of them I found the newborn stage by far the hardest. Do whatever you can to make your life easier, whether that's getting a babysitter, not putting any pressure on yourself to do anything other than look after your baby and look after yourself.

My DD screamed for weeks. I was backwards and forwards to the GP. First time Mum- nothing wrong.
New health visitor- is she always like this- referral to paediatrician. Appointment arrived the day she had an emergency op due to a hernia possibly caused by constipation. it is always worth having an open mind to other problems.
I do believe things will improve and that one of the ways would be to have some of your independence back even if it is going out for coffee without baby once a week or just a walk in the park.
Are there clubs you can join like book clubs or U3A.

I have experienced that fear of the baby crying in public too, and it has happened to me plenty of times too that the baby cries in public places. It is horrible but crackofdoom is exactly right about what to do. The only thing I would add is try not to worry what people might think about it. It's no big deal if a few people have to hear a baby cry for a few minutes, they were babies too once, and babies have every right to express themselves too. Public places are for all ages.

Also on another note I also found that baby stage hard but my four yr old now is such fun! We have in jokes, we chat, it's lovely. It doesn't get easier but the ways it is hard change completely and you might well find the challenges of older ages easier to deal with. I have!

It will 💯 get better!
I was suicidal and had a non sleeping baby.
Do you have resources to use a nursery a few days a week so you can get some rest?

I hope this is helpful but I’d ignore the doctors and explore possible allergies.

My 16 month old has non IGE allergies and reflux/gut/skin issues. I knew exactly what was happening this time round because his brother had CMPA (with him it took me to weaning to realise because I was dismissed by Doctors as everything being normal).

I would suggest eliminating more than just milk if there are signs of allergies/reflux.

I eliminated both Soya and all dairy. Also egg and fish but was able to reintroduce this to my diet fairly quickly. I combi fed with an amino acid formula but I was producing so much milk (over supply) I never felt able to stop BF (I wish I’d never started). If you decide it’s the way to go it’s also completely ok for you to stop BF if an elimination diet is too much.

We saw an osteo and a physio - he had no visible neck and it was all tension. We managed to get NHS dietician support and allergy testing around 13 months because I pushed and just went back repeatedly until they did something. I knew I was being difficult but I also knew it was the only way I was going to get NHS help

He’s a delight with a lot of personality now but he still doesn’t sleep well due to gut issues and I am still bf 2/3 times at night. I have adapted though and now I’m just thinking of buying a massive bed and letting them all sleep in it 😂

I hope this is helpful but I’d ignore the doctors and explore possible allergies.

My 16 month old has non IGE allergies and reflux/gut/skin issues. I knew exactly what was happening this time round because his brother had CMPA (with him it took me to weaning to realise because I was dismissed by Doctors as everything being normal).

I would suggest eliminating more than just milk if there are signs of allergies/reflux.

I eliminated both Soya and all dairy. Also egg and fish but was able to reintroduce this to my diet fairly quickly. I combi fed with an amino acid formula but I was producing so much milk (over supply) I never felt able to stop BF (I wish I’d never started). If you decide it’s the way to go it’s also completely ok for you to stop BF if an elimination diet is too much.

We saw an osteo and a physio - he had no visible neck and it was all tension. We managed to get NHS dietician support and allergy testing around 13 months because I pushed and just went back repeatedly until they did something. I knew I was being difficult but I also knew it was the only way I was going to get NHS help

He’s a delight with a lot of personality now but he still doesn’t sleep well due to gut issues and I am still bf 2/3 times at night. I have adapted though and now I’m just thinking of buying a massive bed and letting them all sleep in it 😂

Dear OP. I know you've had loads of helpful replies so mine will probably be lost but I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely hear you. Your post bought me back to those incredibly difficult early months, oh my goodness the crying (my LO was "colicky" or perhaps had intolerances, never really knew but it was AWFUL), the feelings of absolute panic and anxiety. I used to get this deep feeling of absolute dread as evening came around because I knew the night would be awful. In retrospect I suspect I had pretty terrible postnatal anxiety and could have really done with being medicated. I don't actually remember a huge amount about the first six months, maybe even year.

I just wanted to try to add my reassurance that you are absolutely in the trenches right now and it does get better. It happens gradually. Newborns don't exactly give much back for all the effort you put in, you're just frantically trying to meet their needs and guess what's wrong and why they're crying yet again. But once they get a little older, start interacting with you more, the smiles, the milestones... I promise it all pays off. My LO is three now and our bond grew and grew slowly over time, the terror I felt has slowly been replaced by overwhelming, unconditional love. Now a preschooler she is my favourite person in the world, hilarious and joyful and adorable, I literally can't describe the love I feel and there's noone else I'd rather hang out with. You will have a life again, just with a little buddy tagging along!

My daughter has CMPA, have you been dairy free for a while? Have you tested the allergy? If baby won’t take a bottle I believe it’s usually tested by you consuming a yoghurt for a few days and seeing if any reaction?

Have you tried omeprazole? I appreciate it’s not ideal long term but having had horrendous heartburn in pregnancy I felt so terrible with my baby in pain I wanted to try anything and it really did help.

In terms of formula I didn’t find it helped with sleep, it’s so individual dependent. Getting up to make a bottle in the night and needing to clean and sterilise the equipment daily is a faff. It also makes going out and being spontaneous harder, for example you need to anticipate how long you may be out for and bring the necessary bottles and powder etc. And the allergy formula you can’t buy ready made or hop into a shop if you decide to meet a friend for a coffee and baby wants an extra feed. I do agree with an earlier post of yours about hormones and I definitely felt better mentally when I stopped breastfeeding it’s so hugely hormonal dependent but it did also make getting out and about and travelling much much easier

This poster is correct...the first 6 months when they cry it is a puzzle as to why they are crying and why they are not sleeping. But with older babies and toddlers it's more obvious why they are awake and they can also tell you why. It's gets way less stressful as they get older. You get used to less sleep.

I think in just 4 weeks time you may well feel better and less stressed just through the developmental changes that will happen in next 4 weeks. Keep going!!!

There are always so many conflicting opinions on this stuff- I think the truth behind it is that no one knows and there might not be an answer. There isn't much research on young babies and they are all different anyway. You are trying loads of things which is the best anyone can do. Another thing to try could be as others have suggested to accept the crying as a phase and work on how you can get through it- loud music in headphones or audiobooks can help make it more bearable?

Yea, but there's also a very limited number of reasons to go through as a list, and if you still don't know, you can just cuddle them until it passes, once you've checked nappy, hunger, comfort, health, boredom, tiredness etc. People also expect a baby to cry sometimes and are usually supportive/neutral.

Vs

A toddler absolutely losing it because their biscuit is broken, and they want THAT biscuit, but they won't want it broken, but they want it in two pieces. Or something else that's physically impossible to solve. And you're in public when this is happening. Some people are judged however you deal with it. Oh, and if you need to step aside from the crying for 5 minutes for your own sanity, they follow you! And they still don't sleep - sometimes they wake more than when they were newborns. Shudder.

The sleep part absolutely gets easier! Obviously different for every child and situation and depends on their temperament etc. We night weaned at 18 months (would've done it before but circumstances didn't allow) which took a couple of weeks and then my baby sleeps 10/11 hours since. Now as a toddler he sleeps in til 9 at the weekends.

I stopped breastfeeding at 13 weeks. I was miserable! I hated it I felt trapped and exhausted and baby wasn't doing well as was cluster feeding and crying all the time. I swapped to bottle feeding and it was like a switch! I felt better immediately (I think hormones settled) and yes baby did sleep better!!

True, mine slept through the night from 7 months, went through a weird phase at 10 months where she was up at 4am everyday for a few weeks but then went back to sleeping through most of the time. I’m quite strict though and never had her in my bed unless she was sick and always tried to do naps in crib/ bedtime in crib. Maybe it helped or maybe it didn’t. I didn’t sleep train.

@PinkiePipe and others -no response is getting lost. I am reading all the replies and teting to answer questions when I can. Trust me,I appreciate all your contributions.

@Walkyrie I did choose to be a mother- absolutely but as I've mentioned before, it was such a strong urge, I felt I could not ignore it. I would love to have done this with a partner but I have ever had any luck with men. I told myself it would be tough but worth it. I did not anticipate how hard this would hit me. And I'm not putting my three month old in nursery; he's a little over three months now and I don't know if you read what i wrote elsewhere, which is that the committee to determine nursery places in October in Paris takes place next month. He won't be in a nursery until he is eight or nine months old at least.

@Imisscoffee2021 and @OrangeSlices998 and @Millie279 and some others: I have been eliminating all dairy from my diet including whey and milk protein in things as random as Pringles and frozen chips; I have heard about avoiding soya but it would be incredibly hard to avoid food containing both cows milk and soya, PLUS eggs.... addded to that the fact that the baby will not take Nutramigen (non-lactose,hydrolysed formula). He'll take Cow and Gate (at least, he did the last time he was given some, which was about four weeks ago), but not the Nutramigen. I dont have a paediatricina in my small townm i could of course push for an applintment with a paediatrician in Derry but then there's the matter of getting there as its about thirty miles away and I don't have access to a car since my mother's accident- a taxi would be expensive, but as I still have my French health network, I had a video appointment with a paediatrician online two weeks ago. He said it might be CMPA or egg allergy, but again he can't be sure. He said it takes 72 hours after consumption for dairy to leave the system but again, I've heard conflicting information -many doctors say it takes much longer than that (I've read it can take 2, 4 , or 6 weeks!). Plus I have no sense that things have improved since I started avoiding dairy. My mother is doing almost all the cooking and occasionally I get the impression she has occasonally cooked something in butter, absent-mindedly; she respects that I am avoiding dairy but she doesnt cook one dish for me and one dish for herself.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, OP. Hopefully many of the stories and opinions on here will have cheered you up.

Like you, I missed my previous life enormously. And I feel ashamed to say it but for the first 18 months or so I felt little in the way of joy towards my first DD. She was a crying, vomiting, sleepless, doubly incontinent pain in the arse who needed constant attention, and couldn't even bloody feed herself! What the hell had i got myself into? Not to mention that my body had changed, my marriage had changed (we didn't have sex for two years) and my friendships had changed. Nothing was easy, everything had to be planned, and whenever we went anywhere it required a bag full of nappies, wipes, clothes and food.

But then...

I don't know exactly why it happened. Maybe it was her getting to be able to walk, talk, and look after herself a bit more (certainly the basic things like feeding herself and toileting). Maybe it was me just getting used to it and my new life just becoming my life. Maybe it was my own age and the pull of the old life becoming less. I don't know. Whatever it was, it just became the best thing. I loved it. I loved the joy she sees in everything. I love going to places with her, chatting to her, protecting and taking care of her. I love friends and their kids, and going through stuff together. It is a different life, sure, but wonderful in its own way. Of course there are annoying bits. If I think objectively about whether I'd prefer to be at the school spring fayre paying two quid for the tombola and holding her bag full of plastic tat or whether I'd prefer to be sipping a mojito in the Maldives, obviously there'd be a clear winner. But there is a different type of joy in real life.

Nobody ever has kids on a trial and return basis. Had I have done so, I probably would have quit and handed mine back. I suspect a lot of mums would. And even now I have the occasional pang of regret because it is a lifeline emotional, financial and physical commitment. Freedoms do come back, and will eventually almost completely come back. But you will always have a child. And that will always mean a difference from before.

I hear about these ones who bonded immediately and felt some kind of instant spiritual connection. Good for them but I didn't. It was shit. But I do now. Please don't give up. It will get better.

OP I haven't read the full thread but I've read all your posts so apologies it I repeat what others have said.
Things will get easier, I promise! I have 3 (soon to be 4 children) and yes I do get woken most nights by one of them, needing the toilet, or wanting a cuddle after a bad dream, or coming into bed, but my body has changed. It no longer feels like a shock, I don't wake up knackered by slightly broken nights. And I have 3!!
If I had one it would be no problem.
I remember when I had my first baby the sheer dread of the nights, the panic about the crying (and boy did he cry!!!), feeling like it would last forever, but I doesnt.
They get easier, they get more predictable. Yes they tantrum sometimes but you become the expert in them and you learn what works for them.

Honestly I love being a mum of a large family and wouldn't change it for the world, but life with one child would also be a total dream. You can still easily travel, it's not as expensive to pay one extra flight. You can take that child around with you, we they get older you can enjoy museums and cafes and art galleries and wherever it is you like to do. They can become your best pal.
My son is now 10 and god do I enjoy his company and the way he lights up when I take him places! It makes it so much more enjoyable.
I love reading books with him at night and introducing him to new characters and watching programmes together.
Life with a small baby is hard and unpredictable but it will change so fast. Don't panic just settle in, take each day as it comes and don't listen to others negativity.
You'll always hear bad stories and people love to moan, don't let that scare you, because your life and your child and your experience will be completely unique.
Best of luck.

The other thing I remembered after I posted before was the feeling when she was very little that this was my life now: no sleep, breastfeeding friendly tops, nursing bras. I even got rid of a bunch of clothes because I couldn’t see a time when I’d be able to wear them again! But of course, it changed rapidly (and continually). Now mine is 15, which seemed an impossibly remote milestone when she was 15 weeks. I have loved being her mum, we’ve been and still are a close team and I love taking her on city breaks and out for food, for walks, museums, galleries…

This will pass for you. It will. And life will get easier and much nicer. 💐

Sorry you are feeling this way. Months 4-7 were particularly hard for me. After that it is still difficult but they start developing their own little personality and it makes things feel worth it. I was really stuck in a rut for 3 months and felt like there was no end is sight.

I would be moving out of my Mothers house. There is nothing that would make me more depressed. I would feel like I had navigated 40 steps back in life. You set up your entire life in Paris, did you not have any friends there? Myself and DH have moved far away from where we grew up and have zero family support but I couldn’t even begin to imagine uprooting my life to move back home. DH works away a lot so I solo parent a lot of the time and I couldn’t imagine moving from the life I have here. Even though all of my family and best friends are in my hometown, I love my life here. Even if something happened to DH in the early stages I would still want to stay where I am. Being on your own is hard but your life has already changed massively, I feel like you’ve made a lot of sacrifices you didn’t need to.

You can still do things like hop on a flight, even with short notice, it just requires a bit of planning. Once you do it once you’ll feel fine to do it again. DD had been on holiday 5 times by the time she was 1. Yes I had my DH there with me to support me but I would equally have felt okay to do it alone, especially after the first time. Maybe you could start with somewhere only an hour away. You need to get yourself out of the mindset that you can’t do anything anymore- you can you’ll just have a baby with you as well. I used to take the baby with me to get my nails done, get my lashes done, go for solo meals and coffee etc. I was exhausted and had PND but house rotting only made me feel worse and as DH was away for work I had to bring her with me. She slotted into my life pretty fast.

You’re in a good place that you only have one child. One child will slot into your life. More than one and you’ll have to change your entire life. Yes things will be more difficult, yes it will take ten times as long to do anything but you can do it.

One thing that I found really helpful was yoga. Yoga at home, yoga at a studio. Yoga anywhere. It gave me a bit of time to practise a little bit of mindfulness.

I would try Neocate, my baby found it a lot more palatable than Nutramigen x