Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

You're doing a grand job with your baby. I don't think he could ask for a more attentive mum.

The first stage can be very difficult, if you have a fussy baby who cries often. My first never stopped crying and even in the times when she wasn't crying, I couldn't relax, as I was just waiting for her to start again. And the sleep-deprivation is torture. If I had this time again, instead of gritting my teeth and attending to her, yet again, I'd smile a bit more, coo a bit more, try to get comfort from the fact I'm adminstering comfort and offer up my suffering to Jesus.

Once you have a firm plan to get back to Paris, you will feel better, but do continue to continue your engagement with MH support.

I completely understand what you mean by the difference between knowing in theory that you will lose your freedom to feeling it in practise. The big one of course, is sleep: after 40 odd years of being able to go to sleep when you feel tired (bar the very occasional instance) you are suddenly enslaved to the baby's needs when you desperately need sleep. Nothing is as hard as the baby stage, and if people say otherwise they are forgetting. It will get better- in the following steps:

• when you can put the baby down to bed early n the evening and have a few hours to yourself (even if they are up for a feed by 10)
• when you go back to work and have childcare and can have a day being an adult and drinking hot drinks
• when they start to talk and walk and you have a little pal
• when they sleep through the note. Moving to bottles and sleep training are definitely options that might help and improve your mental health.

Also, has your baby got a dummy? This was a game changer for crying for my second.

It sounds like you should live your dream of raising your French son in Paris! Everyone there has children in small hot apartments surely?

This is a much longed for baby. You can and will do this. I didn't have a rush of love with my newborns either and I don't think it's as instinctive as you might believe. I read something that the author Libby Page wrote when she struggled with her newborn- love is an action as well as a noun. Caring for your baby, feeding him, keeping him safe- it is all love.

Ah OP, god love you pet, it may not feel like it yet but it's still so, so early in your parenting journey. It will settle down, but you are still in the early stages - if it's colic, it should start to settle soon and anything else you will start to tell soon enough. It's so hard when they can't communicate with you to tell you what is wrong. I am sure it is knocking your confidence too. Of course you feel stuck!

And what's not helping is the lack of sunlight - we've had the worst start to 2026 in terms of rainy days and lack of sun. If you don't drive and can't get out and about independently, and the weather has been (until recently) too awful to do much, and there's FA to do even if you could go out - well, of course you feel restricted and trapped! Why wouldn't you?! Not all of it is just parenting; I am sure a good portion of that is your loss of your lifestyle and environment, and I think you are not sure if you could have made that work because you haven't had a chance to try it and now it seems daunting. (You would be fine. Tiny babies don't need much space.)

Hard as it was to raise my children abroad with no family help, I think it would have been harder if my village was, well, my home village. The Irish rain utterly depresses me these days. The South of England is so much drier and brighter I can't imagine ever moving home. I think you should prepare for moving back. Look at expat parenting forums and see what other mums are doing with their infants - what are the early gallery hours, parent-friendly cafes, good strollers for walk-up apartments on high floors etc etc.

It will be ok. You know it will, because you're doing it, and you are a hard worker and a smart woman, and you're gonna figure this parenting malarkey out and kick its arse.

Oh, and my children didn't really take to a dummy until about 4-5 months. So don't write it off just yet.

You are amazing and brave. Please understand it will get better. Everything you describe is similar to what I went through. I had a baby with many health issues and the crying /vomiting / lack of sleep was beyond exhausting. I had a husband but for various reasons I asked for a divorce at around 6 months . There isn’t a magic wand but things to try are - take the anti depressants and try and reduce your expectations; sleep or nap whenever he naps, don’t plan to do much and try and rest … rest and sleep will make you feel better . I felt like a shell of a person for months/ years and now my son is my Constant awesome companion. They grow and by goodness it’s easier when they are 3 or 4. Of course the demands are different but a 10 year old is nothing like a baby - a trickY baby is another level awful! And I know . I have two teen boys now and I spend hours looking after them but it’s fun and you get to sleep !! Don’t listen to people say - it doesn’t get easier. Of course it does . Being a mum never stops but that crazy intensity of the early months is another level hard.

I forgot to say .. my firstborn had a cmpa & my second had lactose intolerance. Very different conditions. The purple crying and preference for being upright sound much more like lactose intolerance which can cause terrible trapped wind pain. You can buy lactase drops from the pharmacy but you must give them right at the start of a feed, every single feed. Easier if you are bottle feeding, but possible with a medicine dummy & few drops of expressed milk even with bf. I saw a change in my daughter within a day. Highly recommend because there is no harm caused by trying! For some reason none of the health professionals mentioned it to me & docs wouldn’t prescribe it, but the difference it made was immense..

Definitely take him to an osteopath or a Health Service Physio, your PHN can refer you to the latter.

Disregard if moot, but do you burp your son after feeding? Just sitting him upright and holding him by supporting underarm and neck (slightly leaning forward) on your lap. My chap always did a great big burp, and I was then able to gently rock him back to sleep, and back into his own cot.

Well for a while anyhow.

This sounds really patronising and so I apologise if it is, but it wasn’t till
my baby was a year that someone pointed out how small their stomachs are. So of course they need filling more regularly. Your job just now is to keep this little creature alive. It’s a miraculous thing that your body is doing. One day you’ll look back and be like wow, I did this. I’m currently lying here with a 15 year old who had opted to sleep in my bed tonight, due to exam stress. One day this will be you OP.

if I had to do it again… I’d get a king size mattress on the floor and co sleep. I’d sleep at any time during the day. I’d breastfeed but combine with bottle feeding if it made a difference. I’d go to any alternative therapy I could get…

Op I just wanted to say. You are in the trenches right now and it is really hard work!!! But your sister is wrong and it definitely does get easier!! It will gradually get easier and your baby will get more and more independent and more and more sleep! It can just take time. You'll get there.

I never really enjoyed the baby stage as was so exhausted but if I could go back I'd tell myself to enjoy the baby cuddles, don't worry about housework and just watch TV and cuddle.

Take each day at a time!
This phase will pass quickly!

I think you do sound a bit depressed so I'd definitely try some medication.

Remember your hormones will be all over the place, they'll settle and you'll feel better for it too!

Big hugs OP, my little one slept much better once they were on omeprazole, DF formula and had their tongue tie snipped. My partner experienced a form of PND and didn't feel a connection for a good while, but I sometimes don't get a look in now as they're so close. It does get easier in so many ways and what you're experiencing now is just a phase. Stick with it and you'll find those happy moments become more regular and will pull you through the difficult times.
Finally, I'd recommend making those night time random wake-ups a bit more enjoyable. I liked to find a good podcast or Netflix series to get stuck in to, then I'd actively look forward to the next one 😊

It does get better, it really does. The first 6 months are HARD. 4 months in I believe I was put on SSRIs for post natal anxiety I cant say for sure they helped or if things just gradually got better from then on maybe. I spent hours googling when does it get better, when do they stop crying less, when do they start sleeping more. And eventually they just do. You read posts of people saying they're having a horrible time with sleep still because they're having a hard time but obviously no ones posting about their 2 year olds sleeping just fine because well they dont need advice so you wont see that! I wish I could say id have another baby but I simply cant do the first 6 months again it was too much to cope with. I've heard of plenty of women contemplating adoption in that time and obviously glad they didn't in the end. Doing it on your own as well I take my hat off to you and all the other single parents because wow I just couldn't! Breaks my heart reading posts like this i wish I could help because I know how desperate I was in that phase too. But it does get better, they develop their personality and its the best fun to watch. They say some people are newborn people, some are toddler people. I'm a toddler person and maybe you are too. Toddlers are challenging yes, but actually they're the best fun to be around too. Hang in there, what you're feeling is so so common its not spoken about enough. Ignore what your sister said please its so not true for most people and likely not true for you. I'm rambling now but sending big hugs and hope you manage to find a way though. ❤️

This sounds SO familiar OP and I really feel for you.

The bad news is that having children means that life is really, really, really hard sometimes.

The good news though, is that a good amount of your current unhappiness is due to the gap between your expectations and your reality - and loads of that is totally within your control.

Good luck x

It does get better!! I remember feeling desperate when my first one was 3-4 months, and I was younger and not single. It was also a baby that never slept and cried a lot (second child never cried and slept well -the two experiences were worlds apart!).
I know it's not popular here, but I did the cry it out method when mine was 6 months old. I was going crazy from the lack og sleep. It was brutal admittedly, much brutal than the textbooks say (baby cried for like 1.5 hours the first time, and woke up again after an hour), and it took a whole week, but I got my sleep back. There were regressions later on, and sleepless nights when they're ill etc, but just sleeping well for a few weeks completely reset me. I recommend it as long as there are no health issues. Said baby is now at secondary school and is a delightful child - no lasting damage for being left to cry to sleep at 6 months old.

I would say your location isnt helping and maybe need somewhere a bit livelier to live, you sound like you have pnd and need support with that. Also if you still want to travel you can with baby and when your feeling less overwhelmed you could think of a life where you can travel, I know alot of people travel the world with children, home school when the time comes, it is a free spirited way/new age thing to do but not sure if that would be your thing or not. Also just take one day at a time even one hour and get advice now about medications/co sleeping and support as you seem to be worrying about everything about now and the future which is natural to do but sound like the anxiety has overtaken completely

Hang in there.

The first few weeks are a living hell. Constant waking, crying, nappy changes, sore boobs, birth recovery, hormones all over the place, baby’s digestive system settling down, tons of conflicting advice. IME breastfed boys don’t sleep too well and cry a lot.

You’ve come so far already! It really does get much easier once you and your baby fall in love and learn to work together as a little team. It doesn’t always come easy. He’s probably picking up on your stress at being out of your usual environment. Lavender essential oil can be helpful: few drops in sunflower oil for a lovely baby massage can help you connect (mine slept for hours after that), few drops in an eggcup of milk for his bedtime bath.

Head back to Paris. See your friends. Go out as much as you can. Wear him so he’s upright (who wants to lie on their back when they have a gripey tummy? - gravity really helps with digestion/constipation) and can feel your heartbeat. Talk to him, show him the sights. He’ll feel you relax and all will be well. You’ll be pals in no time.

Gets easier still once they’re eating solids at 6 months 😉

And while the grass always seems greener, I bet some of those women at the baby group are finding their partners a total PITA and they’re having tired, stressed rows in the early hours 😂

Oh dear I’m sorry to read this.

Not sure I’m going to word this right but it seems to me you are really quite unwell. With treatment, you won’t always be though. And when you are better, even the harder bits of parenting and behaviour will be easier to cope with than they are now. The challenges of being a parent change over time, and your ability to cope with it will improve x

The thing you have to remember is that people post on here for advice. So are sharing 'bad' news and not good news
But it DOES get better
When your son smiles at you because he is happy to see you, then you feel a glow of pure happiness.
Maybe discuss with your GP how you are feeling.
And what about nursery a few mornings a week ? Or child minder. Then you could go home and sleep.......

Hearing the anguish in your post is just heartbreaking. Becoming a mum at any age in any circumstances is probably the most challenging thing we do but doing it as a single mum, moving country and most likely with some good old perimenopause thrown in is a lot. Well done you for surging the first 14 weeks! Surviving not thriving at this stage is very normal- eventually you will start the thrive again.

Im a Derry girl but was living in London when I had my kids so I know the grey skies you’re talking about. I was always a big city girl but, I say this kindly, the Paris life that you knew and loved won’t be the same anymore. I used to think of all the cultural outings my babies/kids would have but the reality of cobbled streets, transport systems not equipped for prams, cafes that don’t have baby change etc- it wasn’t the dream I imagined. That’s not say it wouldn’t work for you in the medium term. Whilst my kids were little we craved the green fields, the relative peace and quiet of Derry and the ability to get around easily so found ourselves hopping over to Ireland at every opportunity. As my kids became toddlers though we wanted more for us and them and location became more and more important. I guess I’m saying don’t give up on where you want to live as it is such a big part of happiness- but what you need now might not be what you need in future.

As other posters have said routines take time and don’t have be big and elaborate. Focus on finding a safe way to have shower- a play mat and disco light in a safe room with a baby cam. Not having to ask permission will be game changing. I think we’ve all been there- the moment the penny drops that we need permission to shower, go to the toilet. Take him for a walk- if the pram doesn’t work, try a sling. Add a coffee shop in after a while. Go somewhere you know there are change facilities- Foyleside is great for this. Try out some sleep training- there are some great books and consultants- I read some reviews for ones in NI before suggesting this. Sending big hugs

@BrendaSouleyman my DS cried a lot until 12 weeks old due to colic (we used special bottles in the end). He was also a big baby, born 10lb, and woke every night hungry. Not sure of the rules now, but then it was 6 months to start on solids, I couldn’t wait that long so at 4 months I gave him a very very small amount of puree and it was a beautiful night, we all slept through from then on. He was 18 months old when I realised I had started to enjoy motherhood. He started talking and was fluent by 2, so all guess work was removed. He was a fantastic toddler to hang out with. He’s now almost 18 and still a big boy, 6ft 4. Back then I thought omg, how can I do this for 18 years! And I promise you OP, you can do this, and that it goes in a blink of an eye.

My second, smaller baby, slept through from 8 weeks old and I enjoyed motherhood from 12 months with her.

So I’m thinking, you just might not like the ‘very early baby stage’ like me. So for the time being just try to go with the flow and try not to think if you like it or hate it. Just grind through it and one day when you least expect it, you’ll realise you do like it. It’ll always be 24/7 though.

If your baby is out and he cries, you do the same as if you're at home, location is irrelevant. I went out with baby in a sling from a young age, and frankly most people are too busy in their own lives to notice or care about a crying baby. So I did a lot of cafes, museums, shopping, at galleries, lunches with friends in those first few days, weeks and months. Then it soon became parks and soft play.

Some people love the newborn stage (I'm one of them if I'm honest). Some hate it. Some find toddlers easier, some harder. Some people find parenthood gets easier as they age, others find it gets harder or just goes up and down (I'm in that boat).

Sleep is a major factor. My first slept through at 6 weeks (11-6). Hallelujah. Then she stopped sleeping through at 4 months. She's got chronic sleep issues so sleeps 11pm-6.30am now at nine. Oh and she woke (and got us...) 3 times last night. Mostly she does sleep through though, from the last 6 months or so. But yes, it's taken 8.5 years to get her back to what she was doing at 6 weeks. Believe me, we tried everything over the years.

My youngest is 7, and for medical reasons has sleep issues. She woke 2-3 hourly as a newborn, but from 6-18 months woke every hour, often more. She's had phases of sleeping through from 2 though, but only if she's in bed with me. She's currently waking 1-2 a night, despite me being in her bed. She has prescribed melatonin to help her sleep (unusual in non ND kids, but there are reasons).

But I've also got friends whose children started sleeping 12 hours straight at 3 months without any form of training, and continued this.

Everyone's experience varies, and that's what you're doing to see on here. If someone has horrendous PND + a tricky baby, who then turned into a good sleeping toddler, then the newborn days will seem like hell. If someone has an easy/average newborn, no other issues, and their sleep deteriorated and they turn into a tricky toddler, and they are juggling work and sleep deprivation, then it makes newborn days look like a spa break. And then everything in between.

It sounds like you've got the tricky baby + pnd variety, which is why it's so tricky. You could help make it easier though, for example, you don't need to ask your mum to go to the loo. Leave baby somewhere safe, or take baby with you. Slings can mean you can just get on with your day like a human kangaroo. Also, if bf is tricky, especially with giving up dairy, then there's no shame in swapping to formula. Baby 1 above was bottle fed, baby 2 breastfed btw.

In time, even if things don't get easier, they will feel more manageable as you develop more experience in motherhood. That helps with acceptance, and rolling with the crazy ride of parenting.

Im not sure if you'll read this OP as there are so many responses but reading this took me right back to my first baby being a newborn and made me shudder! It was terrible, constant crying and therefore scared of going out, sleep was a shocker and the freedom was gone (and I really didn't even need much before!)

I do think people with easy babies and sleepers live a very different motherhood to others. I finally relented on anti depressants and started taking them when my eldest was 10 months old and kick myself I didn't start them sooner as it made a huge difference for me.

I would take what your sister said with a pinch of salt. For one, she has three children which sounds like a nightmare to me, plus if it was that difficult for her she surely would not have gone onto have three? She may have found the newborn stage very easy and that's why the older ages seem not much easier to her! My friends and I repeatedly debate about which age is easiest (they often say newborn, I don't!)

Breastfeeding does release hormones which of course could come with an inbalance so I would only quit for the sake of MH as there is no garuntee babies sleep better on formula. My first was formula fed and didn't sleep through until 18 months. The night wakings did reduce though and id enjoy the feeling after the one night feed I could go back to sleep.
i didnt know much about reflux at the time but mine took a dummy which stopped the crying at 8 week and it was such a relief. In hindsight i do think he had this and wish i had it looked into.

After an unplanned second pregnancy I was sick with nerves and expected to live in hell again but my second is a much easier baby and has healed me in a way, he's shown me that i wasn't doing anything wrong the first time, babies have different temperaments just like adults! My first is 4 now and whilst he is very stubborn he makes me laugh so much and I love watching him have fun, we bake together and go for walks and I enjoy our chats.

I do think you will feel better when you are back in the place you love and have childcare, you will appreciate the time together more as it's not so constant. A lot of nursery staff offer baby sitting if you need extra help.

There is too much pressure to enjoy this newborn time in general and social media doesn't help so stay off it if you can! I know it feels like this 14 week old baby is forever but I promise it isn't x

Also just to add, it is a different breed of people out during the working week day than the weekend. A lot of people are not in a rush, more relaxed and the older crown especially are very understand of babies crying! Most of them have hearing trouble anyway. I ended up thinking of my baby cries too much somewhere, I'll just leave! But he was usually so interested at the surroundings that didn't happen, so try sorting your baby up on a reclined setting in the pram if you haven't already.
When im out and notice a baby crying im usually just relieved it's not mine and therefore not for me to sort out now! It's always a bigger deal to us than it is to others

I mourned my baby-free life for quite a while but I promise, it definitely does get easier.
Each stage comes with its own challenges but when they less dependent on you, you start getting your freedom back.
When my first was 0-1, I felt like I was just drowning but now I have 2 and they’re 7 and 8 and honestly such a blessing.

hang in there! Accept all the support you can and try and make some friends who have babies around the same age - it honestly makes such a difference to have friends who are in the trenches with you

It really is luck of the draw with what baby you get, it sounds like you have a more ‘difficult’ baby. And by difficult I don’t blame the poor boy as he is clearly having a difficult time. My first was like this, very high needs! She has reflux and a tongue tie (which got fixed at 12 weeks). She did improve at around 6 months once she could sit up on her own and was less windy and from then on she was just an absolute joy to be around. I would never have known that it was her that was difficult until I had my 2nd who just literally potters around the floor for an hour or so by himself. She was just always in the sling until she could sit and entertain herself more. Her sleep has never been great but it’s not the same as being up feeding as she just needed a cuddle and back down. At around 18 months she slept through but stopped at 2 ish, then she started coming into my bed and would sleep all night there.

I found I was a much happier and better mum when I returned to work 4 days a week! It kept my identity.

this time I’m doing mum and baby fitness clubs. I also made mum friends on Peanut app do they have that in Ireland?

edited to add that you do start getting your freedom back, but it’s good to take some time for yourself even with baby, ask your mum to do an evening a month where you can go to the theatre or something? It’s not spontaneous but having things to look forward to helps!