Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I've not read all your comments so apologies if this has been mentioned, but has he been checked for cmpa? I ask as my son had that, I took him to A&E I was so worried about his crying, purple and pained, he couldn't be put down so my husband and I took shifts in the night hodling him. Thank god for omeprazole and cmpa formula, he eventually grew out of it.

At the time I felt it robbed me of what I imagined baby days would be like, and I also moved to a small (tiny village actually) place, felt so alone.

We had ivf so really really wanted this baby, and I remember saying to my husband that imagine when we have a child we won't wish for anything because what else can there possibly be to wish for! Well hubris got me, turns out there's a whole host of things to wish for becoming a mother and in a hard baby stage.

You can always go back to Paris if that was your happy, we've had moments we should have gone back to the city we lived in when we met nd had a baby but kept chickening out as didn't want to see less of our son as he'd be in full time nursery then and now he's almost 3 and starting to get attached to this boring nothing to do village gaah.

I rarely comment on Mumsnet but I felt I really wanted to on this thread. I'm so sorry it's so hard for you right now. I was younger than you when I had my daughter at 34, but she too was much longed for. I vividly remember taking her out for a walk at about 8 days old and crying uncontrollably because I was convinced I had ruined my life, lost all my freedom forever and had made a huge mistake- I could not see that I would ever adjust to this new life.

She's almost 3 now and I do not feel that way at all any more, she is the best decision I ever made. I know lots of people have said similar but your little boy will become more predictable once he's a little older, he'll get better at telling you what he needs too. I'm not sure I feel it's got easier, it's changed- I think parenthood is a revolving door of new challenges and developmental phases. They finish teething then the tantrums start etc! I think you get to a place where you accept this is your normal now- the freedom will return, but not right now.

Surround yourself with as many new mum friends as you can, if he naps in the pram, plan walks in during the day and take a book/coffee/music to a park bench and sit and enjoy the peace, keep a foot on the pram and rock it if stopping wakes him etc! Accept that he is going to cry in public, a lot, and that other people's babies do this too and it's not just you. I found it increased my confidence going to coffee shops etc with other mums so if my baby cried I wasn't alone in the beginning. There's baby cinema in lots of towns/cities where you can go see a film and just sit and feed!

It really does require a complete change of mindset- your old life is on pause, not gone, whilst you do this new chapter of life with your beautiful baby. I'm glad to read you're in touch with the perinatal team- they were invaluable for me, see if they run any groups as you WILL meet other mums there who feel the same way as you. I wish you the best of luck and you're doing better than you think 💐

OP, I wish I could give you a big hug. That all sounds so tough and I'm glad that you're getting some professional help.

When my first baby was born, she had reflux/colic/was possessed and I honestly cried more than she did (which was 24/7). I was absolutely broken, both physically and mentally. It seems like an age ago now and my baby is now 6 years old. She is so much fun and I actually really enjoyed the toddler years too despite what everyone says about them. For me, it gradually got better and there was no quick fix but what helped was trying to change the way I thought about things (which was bloody hard) but it helped me to cope and stopped me spiraling.

It's so hard and you are in the midst of it but it will get better. Having a baby broke me in ways I didnt know possible but its possible to get through it and when you do, you will be stronger than you ever knew possible. A lot of the time things dont even phase me now because I think to myself "this is no where near as hard as that was."

It does get better BTW. I even did it again and had another one knowing full well how awful it can be. As you find ways to cope, things won't seem so hard and I for one definitely enjoy it. The older they get the more freedom you will have. Just keep talking to people and allow them to help you.

It's post natal depression, it's really normal. About 1/3 women get it and it's been recorded in history going back centuries. You're okay <3

Interesting how a PP said about possibly being perimenopausal too, OP.

I think after my youngest daughter was born 6 years ago in lockdown, it triggered the start of my perimenopause. I was 39, and about 5 months after she was born, I just couldn't cope, even though I'd had two children before her. The local Homestart charity team and my Health Visitor really stepped up the support for about 6 months, and got me through the worst time. I remember telling a nurse on the phone about how I felt suicidal, and that was the trigger for getting me the support I needed.

I'm sure that I've also read that somewhere some medical professionals have considered whether HRT might help some women to cope with the hell of all the huge drop in post natal hormones. I'm in the thick of perimenopause now aged 45, and I can honestly say looking back that many of my post natal depression symptoms were extremely similar, if not worse than my perimenopause ones now.

I truly hope you can find some ways of seeing positives in the future. This too shall pass. Your beautiful new much wanted baby is so precious, and you are doing brilliantly with everything. Keep going.

I could have written your post verbatim @BrendaSouleyman when I had my much longed for child at the age of 42.

The despair I felt at the huge mistake I’d made was one of the worst experiences of my life.

That ‘mistake’ is a teenager now and he’s the best.

Try not to panic. Your son is tiny and for many mums, parenting a newborn is awful.

Dont stress about what happens at two and three.. and beyond. I had a very smug friend who’s child slept through at four months telling me all the things I was doing wrong and why mine wasn’t sleeping through. At two, her child became a toddler nightmare. Mine was a delight. They are all different at different stages and you won’t feel like this forever.

I HATED parenting newborns. I had awful postnatal anxiety and I genuinely feel a sense of trauma when I think about those times.

So….. breathe. This too shall pass.
But before it does…cut both of you some slack. Your baby will get more interesting and the hard work pays back a bit.
Find small things each day to give yourself a bit of a boost…Will your mum watch your little one for half an hour a day so you can go for a walk, or have a bath? Just some time away will help.
The days when you feel like this seem interminable. Finding small ways to endure them will help. And before you know it.. he’s walking and then off to school.
if you can afford nursery for a day or so then don’t hesitate. Your mental health is important and your baby will be absolutely fine.

Wishing you love and luck.

That’s such a lovely post 🇫🇷 🫶🏻

I don’t regret having my children at all - they bring me so much happiness and I adore them. Like I said, they are 8 years old and 12 years old now so far from babies but I have never, ever regretted having them, even when things were difficult in the early years.

However, me and my husband do like to wistfully thibk about what our lives would be like if we hadn’t had children…. Where we would be now, what we would be doing, what kind of lifestyle we’d have, how much more money we’d have, how we would spend all our free time etc…. but we just do it in the same way that people fantasise about what they’d do if they won millions on the lottery.

A life as a parent is a completely different experience to living a child free life, they’re worlds apart.

Yes, as the child gets older you get some freedom back but it will never be the same as it was. Even though mine are 8 and 12 years old me and DH still cant just randomly decide to go out and watch a film, or go out for a meal, or pop out to see a friend etc all of which were things l we used to just take for granted. I don’t think we’ll get that level of freedom back for another 5+ years yet until our youngest is 14/15 years old.

Prior to children me and DH used to go on weekends away a lot, sometimes it was just places in England and we’d just book a last minute hotel and I do miss being able to do that and having the freedom to be that spontaneous, but becoming a parent does change that.

As I said though, although we do miss the freedom we used to have and the ability to just get up and go wherever we wanted, whenever we wanted and do what we wanted, part of settling down was understanding the sacrifice we were making in relation to that.

We were 31 when we had our first baby and 35 when we had our second.

My sister also has two children but she was 23 and 25 years old when she had hers which seemed ridiculously young at the time, but they are 17 and 20 now, which means at the age of 44 she has total freedom as her children are now completely self sufficient and I do feel a bit jealous at times. I suppose that’s the upside to having children when you’re younger.

Anyway, I’m waffling.

Back to the point.

So yes, although I do miss some aspects of my child-free life, and me and my husband like to imagine how our lives would be if we’d chosen not to have children, I do not regret the choice we made.

It’s impossible to have children without sacrificing a large part of the life you once had and for the huge majority of women, once the crappy newborn and toddler years are out the way, they will say the sacrifice is worth it.

You just have to plough on through these most difficult years and wait to emerge on the other side with hopefully a happier and more fulfilled mindset.

a few thoughts..
A constipated baby is a seriously grumpy baby. I had three perfectly peaceful ones before a chronically constipated one and it was hell. Grumpy, screaming at the breast, gulping air when feeding , couldn’t be put down, no sleep. Glycerin suppositories for the baby saved our sanity , very effective, immediate relief.
My feeling is that if you can , you should return to Paris. It does sound as though you’ve had a fair amount of involvement from healthcare professionals perhaps with conflicting advice, aswell as advice from your mother. Unfortunately so much input from others can at times leave you feeling paralysed to have confidence in your own decisions and this must be really debilitating after forging a full life for yourself in Paris.
Can you try some small exercises to rebuild trust in yourself and your own decisions, just allowing yourself to see that yes, sometimes things don’t turn out as we wish but so long as the sky doesn’t fall in, you did your best and that’s enough?
And I just wanted to offer some solidarity . I can so relate to the feeling of wanting to run away and I have literally experienced the exact same thing at a time of intense stress. It went away as things improved but it was such an overwhelming sensation I was shocked by the force of my feelings . It seems to be the ‘flight’ urge of fight or flight.
It unsettled me enough to Google it lots, and I was interested to learn that it’s quite a common perimenopause/ menopause symptom too.

I felt similarly after giving birth to my son.

No one tells you that having a baby often entails going through a period of mourning for your old life!

I can relate to the thoughts around putting your baby into care but honestly, you wouldn't be happy. The guilt would eat you up inside. Unfortunately there's no time machine, you have to move forwards. I'm sure you'll get multiple posters all telling you the same thing - it gets much easier.

By the time your baby turns 2, you'll start wishing for another! I know everything feels impossible at the moment but I promise you that it will pass and time will suddenly start going very quickly!

I wrote a very similar post to this a few years ago when I had my daughter and was very much grieving my old life. I completely regretted ever having a child, didnt feel any love for her for a long time, was googling putting her up for adoption, firmly believed I wasn't cut out for motherhood, would never adjust to it etc. I ended up becoming actively suicidal and was admitted to a mother and baby mental health unit for many months. Was then under perinatal mental health care for a couple of years following this.

Now she's a bit older, I can confidently say I love my child more than anything. And I'm regaining some of my life back. I wouldnt have another baby as I would not want to go through the torture of the baby stage again! But, I wouldn't change what I have now for the world, and honestly when I was feeling like you I never in a million years thought I would be able to feel this way.

There's no quick fix but just know that things will get better OP 💐

Aw I felt just like this when my first was born. I was 30, very happily married but had very similar thoughts about my life being over. I felt trapped, overwhelmed and stupid for assuming I was 'mum material' when I clearly wasn't. I remember one sleepless night thinking 'I have 17 years and 10 months more parental responsibility ahead' (already ruled out adoption in my brain as I knew my husband was smitted by his baby...I just wished I was too). Slowly the fog cleared, the feeling of being trapped and overwhelmed lifted and i realised that my baby was the most important thing in the world and I was actually a brilliant, natural mum who had been depressed for the last 6 months. Yes the sleepless nights still happened but they are much easier without the anxiety and with clarity of how much I loved my baby.
I remember sitting outside a cafe in the sun in June (January baby too), having a lovely lunch with a sleeping baby suddenly it switched from wanting to get away to have my freedom and do all the things I used to do to thinking what can I still do with my baby by my side. Parks, Cafes, museums, cinema (check your local one as mine did weekly parents with baby in arms sessions).
For me the first year was not my favorite year, probably would not repeat it, but by the time they hit 12 months to 2 years and their little personalities come out, I was obsessed, did not want my freedom as I just wanted to watch and listen to them!
Dont write yourself off. Its a massive, overwhelming adjustment. It is not the end of your life, its the start of another phase. 11 years in and I would do another 17 years and 10 months happily.
Take the help, take the suppport and take each day as it comes. Do not be hard on yourself xx

Also, to add @BrendaSouleyman the language you use about feeling fear around your son and anxious about him crying strikes me that you too may be suffering with post natal anxiety…if so you will be full of cortisol which will be contributing to your heightened stress stare and feelings of despair. it’s har dot relax and enjoy anything when you feel like that.

This often goes undiagnosed as it doesn’t present the same was as post natal depressiin. So speak to your health visitor and GP about it.

I had a second one 5 years later and thankfully did not get any of these feelings.

Funnily enough, I found with motherhood, I felt I had regressed back to my childhood! Having accepted help from family - the "village" - meant that they became heavily involved and suddenly knew everything about my life again! And going back to the family home means that sometimes you feel like the child as that has always been the case. You fit into their home and routine etc. I stayed with my family during lockdown/getting my new place sorted and found I had less control and independence. It's difficult going back after you have lived as an adult elsewhere.
Having had the glimpse of freedom, it's natural to pine after that. I always had the vision I can do what I wanted to before but just with my children - the reality is is that it is harder to do that but that doesn't mean it isn't doable.
Some people adapt better than others and I think in your case, like living abroad, there is more to adapt to. Even things like baby groups can not feel satisfying if you're used to a "high flying" life doing more stimulating things.
I also feel that sometimes I wish I had that experience of living elsewhere but having a family ties you to that help because of how valuable it is.
But like others have said - everything is temporary. Some people dislike the baby stage but then love when they enter another stage of their lives.
I found the best way is to try and enjoy things for what they are, like the slower pace in life. Just find the little things. Alternatively, could you work and pay for childcare instead? You might prefer that setup and start to enjoy coming back to your boy without the pressures all day. Take your time, your bond will build ❤️

Hi OP, I suspect your baby and my baby (now a toddler!) are very similar. She was also inconsolable at times, would cry without any obvious cause for hours, there would be no obvious trigger or lead up to it so I was terrified of taking her anywhere and being stranded. The only thing that provided a light relief was learning how to make her fart (tummy massages and bicycle kicks mostly).

I just wanted to say that it did get better - she is now almost 2. She is a strong-willed little thing but also incredibly funny and affectionate.

I didn't get that unconditional love feeling until she developed more of a personality and more capability to do things/be entertaining/give something back rather than being this angry, needy potato that took all my energy and was never happy with my best efforts! I don't think it's unusual to feel that way (and I don't care if anyone judges me for that).

I also breastfed and coslept and it does take a lot away from your sense of self - breastfeeding can be a very handy tool for calming down a dysregulated baby + feeding on the go, but it also made me feel touched out and like a non human at times. You've done a great job breastfeeding for 14 weeks (especially with inverted nipples). If breastfeeding no longer works for you then I think you can give yourself the grace to stop.

I really disliked the baby groups and her sleep schedule was awful so having to be places at set times was an additional stress I didn't really need in my life so I quit them ASAP. I found more joy chilling at home with her and taking short walks around the neighbourhood. Comparing myself to other mums or her to other babies was making things worse, things got better once I slowed down and just took things as they came at my own pace. I also just couldn't deal with smug mums and their calm, happy babies - I could not relate to them and they couldn't relate to me or understand that it was a luck of the draw that they got their baby and I got mine, their advice enraged me when I'd tried every conceivable solution.

I wasn't a single parent but she had/has a very strong parental preference so 90% of her time is spent with me when she isn't at nursery/grandparents. It's really tough and I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a phase in my life and that eventually she will want me less, which is a bittersweet feeling. But I also sometimes feel that same sense of wanting to escape as you do - just the flexibility to hop on a plane or a bus and just do something solely for me, guilt free.

For me, one of the best things I did was returning to work at 6 months - it gave me time to be me for several hours a day, have food and hot drinks when I chose to have them, not deal with screaming, and just fill my cup a bit before dealing with parenthood.

Once things settled down, I dropped a day at work to spend more time with her. I now enjoy spending time with her.

Just wanted to give you hope - for me, things started to get better once she could roll then exponentially improved when she could walk and now talk. Also after the 1 year mark my brain finally relaxed about the SIDS risk and I could enjoy her actually sleeping without panicking about whether she would wake up again.

I think the people who struggle with toddlers generally had an easier time with parenting babies, but people who had tricky babies tend to be able to enjoy toddlerhood more (once they can tell you wtf was bothering them!)

Hang in there, better times are round the corner. You're finding things tough because you care about doing things right, I'm sure you're doing better than you think

I feel for you OP. I found the early baby stages very hard and didn’t have a lot of support. You will get through this. I’d like to recommend a book: life after birth by Kate Figes. It really helped me and I think it will help you too. Go back to Paris and live a lovely life with your son. Good luck ❤️.

I just wanted to give you a virtual pat on the back and say you are doing a great job, being a first time mum is not easy and especially when doing it largely on your own. I won't comment on the reflux as i can see you have had lots of advice on the subject. What i did want to touch on was you not feeling a rush of love for your son, i think this is much more common than you think and isn't something that is maybe discussed enough. I know that the love for my son crept up on me it wasn't immediate but it came, its a relationship and like any other it develops and grows with time. I think that moving back to france and restarting your new life and new normal may be just what you need. I really hope things feel much more positive for you in the upcoming weeks and if you ever want to offload feel free to message me.

Babies are relentless- I felt the strong rushes of unconditional love with my first but to be honest with my second although I felt the same strong love when she arrived, but it took longer to properly bond with her and for that first year or so it really did feel like I was just ploughing care into her without getting alot back.
When she was around 1ish and her little personality developed, and she learnt to talk, I really feel like we connected better.
Hopefully you might find the same.
I agree with the poster that realistically nobody can tell you if things will or won't get easier in terms of parenting anytime soon, although they will eventually!

With my first, one thing that came as a shock to me was that with kids things aren't always linear....sometimes you think you've cracked something such as sleeping through the night or potty training or them eating certain foods, then things can regress again for awhile, and I think it is important to understand this, but also that most things are phrases which will pass.

Both of mine weren't great sleepers, both were breastfed and DD1 co-slept alot as a baby/toddler.She has always been quite high needs.I love breastfeeding and fed both mine for quite awhile, but it is INTENSE! I am guessing your little one takes bottle okay too though if your mum is assisting at nignt time?

In regards to the moving back to Paris idea, I think only you can figure out if you think that mignt make you happier, although I do wonder how you mignt manage without your mum's support and your sister? Having a support network is SO important especially without a partner and it sounds like you understandably rely on your mum alot.
Paid childcare can't always step in at those really stressful moments that a relative can, or provide the emotional support.I would worry you might feel isolated?

With the missing your old life stuff, has your therapist worked through any of that with you at all? Also CBT can be helpful for reframing thoughts related to postnatal anxiety.I had that quite badly aswell as health anxiety about baby and lots of intrusive thoughts and it really helped me to be objective and realistic.It is easy to put alot of pressure on yourself to get everything perfect as a first time mum and there is no manual!

Not sure what Ireland offers, but are there any parenting groups or courses you could access to help build your confidence? Sometimes there are online ones too.It is hard as everyone has their own differing advice or opinions! Alot of it is finding your own path and gaining confidence in what works for you and your baby.

It's also important to acknowledge that putting a child into care will have consequences for them. Your Mum is important to you @BrendaSouleyman and you'll be important to your son.

Oh so relatable - I remember feeling all these feelings.. the guilt. My experience with my first was a shitshow, with my second I nailed it. My second was in a routine and sleeping through the night by 7 weeks - my eldest took years!
I had SUCH unrealistic expectations before my eldest was born, and listened to my far more “earthy” friends, who apparently don’t need to sleep like I do. It was all baby led parenting (feed on demand, etc) and I really believed I was traumatising my baby if they cried for even a moment.
When I had my second, I ignored everything that I had been told before, and bought Gina Ford’s book and it saved my sanity. I couldn’t get on board with some of the more draconian rules, but having a good feeding schedule meant that my baby stopped waking up .. because they weren’t hungry! I wanted to bf, but also wanted to be sure they were getting plenty of milk & not just sleeping on the boob (hadn’t realised my first was doing this constantly) so expressed and bottle fed a lot (not exclusively, but a lot). I’m not talking one of those little pumps you buy, but one of those fuck off ones you hire to make you feel farmed. I wrote a schedule down and stuck to it. Occasionally there was a cock up, but that is much easier to deal with after 8 straight hours of sleep. To be honest, if I had had another, I probably would just formula feed - I think having a fairly sane mum outweighs any bf benefits.
i also realised a couple of years in that babies are incredibly dull creatures. Cute, but boring, and fucking hard work. Toddlers are way better - like loads. Even better when they hit double digits and you can enjoy really good conversations, play decent games with them, travel to off the beaten track places (without bringing every single thing you own) and they are kind and thoughtful toward you. Babies do not represent motherhood.
If all else fails - hire a night nanny x

Also to add after reading other comments. My first baby also cried from the moment she woke to the moment she fell asleep (which was never for more than 30 mins at a time as she never slept). Lots of digestive issues meant that until about 8 months I was very anxious to take her places. But it died down as she bevame more mobile and was able to eat solids. From 9 months onwards she was the happiest toddler who I could take anywhere.

OP, your post reminds me of how relentless it is in the early years if you have a baby that is more prone to fussiness and hitting every milestone hard. I had a similar experience. I thought I’d be stuck forever in the first year with the fussiest baby in the world. For a long time I didn’t have any luck with slings, dummies, a baby that liked the bottle, was a picky eater when on solids and wanted out of the pram and high chair early on. I couldn’t go anywhere without lots of screaming and crying so I never could even enjoy storytime at the library for example. Other kids her age were clapping and enjoying the experience and she was the opposite. It was isolating too because I couldn’t enjoy socialising with my kid being so vocally loud - I simply couldn’t hear over the noise and as you can imagine I was quite stressed. I definitely remembered pre-baby life many times in these moments.

Now she is 3.5 and I love our life together. She’s a smart, confident and curious girl and her emotions have regulated. When I take her out and she holds my hand and even looked surprised at a baby that was fussing in the shops. I told her she was very much like that and I haven’t forgotten.

I think you’ll find eventually time will pass and you may even have a baby that settles at an earlier age (hopefully). It seems far off but time flies especially when they are in nursery. For me that was the turning point (nursery) and I got a nice balance of being a mum and work, knowing DD was well looked after.

All the best, OP.

(I am sure you have tried Infacol but this was something that helped DD with gas and wind and would settle her faster than not using it).

My baby was formula fed and slept awfully so please dont let that sway your decision as it may not help (but of course its completely valid if you want to stop breastfeeding for whatever reason or no reason!) I would do what enables you to get the most amount of sleep, ie cosleeping. He is way, way too young to sleep train (I personally am against any sort of sleep training, please properly look into it before you make a decision) regardless of personal views. It is normal/nautral that your baby wakes frequently, it is protective against SIDS and biologically, they should be feeding overnight. It is tough, it really is, and in the moment it feels like it'll last forever. If you ever need to, pop him in his crib safe and walk away for a breather. If your mum could help overnight, even once a week, that would be a help too. I would also say to nap when the baby naps, its obviously not the same as having 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but it does help in my opinion. Every baby is different, its hard not to compare when people say my baby slept through at 3 weeks or my baby didnt sleep through til he was 6, but really, that doesnt help you, as its not your baby.

It sounds like you are doing so well, going to baby groups and chatting to other mums. Do you have a baby cinema nearby? I absolutely loved going there with a coffee when my baby was that age, he would nap on me as I watched the film and it was a pleasant way to spend a few hours. If he cried (as all the babies would at some point) I would stand up and sway/rock after offering milk, if that didnt work I'd take him out until he was more settled. People were up and down like yo-yos settling their babies and nobody cared about the other babies, in fact it made me feel less alone!

It sounds like you have accessed all of the right help and well done for being brave enough to open up re how you're feeling as that isnt easy. That shows that you want things to be different.

Also, I just want to say, if he cries, it is okay. You dont want him to be in pain but sometimes babies do cry, for any reason or no reason. If youre out and about and he cries, its okay, other parents will have been there, nobody will mind. Cuddle him, rock him, sing to him, pat him, find what works for him. I was so clueless when mine was crying as a newborn that I took him to the doctors and said that he had cried a lot last night. The doctor just asked me if I was a first time mum! Everything in your body will be an alarm when he cries, but others wont feel so frantic and its okay if he cries when you're out. Maybe start smaller, a walk in the park, then a museum as theyre usually big and open and you can "get away" if you want space to sort him when hes crying, then a coffee shop, get a take away coffee, but he may surprise you and be absolutely fine. And if hes not, thats fine too and you will manage. Sorry if I've read you wrong, but i just dont want you to worry what others think if he cries when youre out and also, its normal for it to be trial and error to try and figure out why hes crying, but also sometimes there isnt a real reason. It seems you've had a lot of conflicting advice, can you go to one professional you trust and ask if they think reflux treatment would be helpful, ie doctor or consultant.

As a solo mum, I just want to say that it can of course be hard, but it can also be so amazing. There will be a time where you feel better, I hope you get there ASAP. Best of luck x

Your post, in some ways, takes me back many years to my own first born. A son. It seemed he cried for 3 months non stop. Health visitor said it was likely colic. He was breast fed, but I was advised to supplement with a small bottle feed as he wasn’t gaining weight as he should. On reflection I didn’t think this was a good idea. Anyway when put down to sleep after 10 pm feed he would sleep for an hour then wake up crying. Would settle when picked up. I was so, so tired. A friend told me to (after checking nappy) offer him only cool, boiled water for a drink when he woke up then put him back down. Then ignore any further crying. I was horrified but desperate. The first night he cried for 20 minutes before sleeping. DH said it was cruel. I made it known that if he went to pick him up it would be his job every night. The second night it was about 10 minutes, third night just a few minutes. The fourth night he didn’t wake up and I got several hours of unbroken sleep. We were fine from then as even the daytime crying was far less. It saved me, no doubt about it. From about 6 months old he was a dream and I fell in love. Second child two years later, no problems at all. Maybe I was less anxious. They do wake up in the night up to age 5 or so, for a wee or a drink which can be tiring if you have no one to share the job with. But you get used to dropping off to sleep again quite easily.
Good luck on your motherhood journey, you have lots of beautiful times ahead.