Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Have you cut out soy as well? I was advised to cut out both dairy and soy together when breastfeeding.

And just to say it does get easier, I personally found 18 months to 3 the hardest part but there is also delight in there, it will come.

You've made lots of big changes at once, not least moving home, let alone the baby. I think moving back to Paris will ease things a bit and give you back some independence. My midwife told me whilst chatting that she had done a training placement in France and that their maternal and baby healthcare was so much better.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Now just catching up on the full thread (should have done that first). Definitely go back to Paris, don’t wait until it’s cooler. Babies can survive in the heat! Readjust your expectations on sleep (sorry couldn’t help but smile at you says a five or six year old would never come into your bed!), get a decent carrier for adventures out and about. If they cry when out, feed them. If they don’t stop, take them outside in pram / sling. If they still won’t stop and you’re stressed, head home. Either way you’ve still got out more than if you’ve just stayed in the whole time. Formula might make them sleep better, it might not. Sleep will be up and down for a while and you were learn to just always be a certain level of tiredness. But the crying phase will pass and ultimately where would you rather be while it waits to pass as to me it sounds like you’d be better off struggling with it in Paris than in Ireland. And babies really don’t need much space for a while!

You're in the middle of the trenches right now and I agree that you may have PND, so do seek help.

I was a single mum from when my DD was born until she was 6. I didn't have PND but I didn't like the baby stage — it’s bloody hard work, even harder when you're on your own. My DD was born with a medical condition as well which required operations, that make it even harder. However, once she was 11 months old, I went back to work 3 days a week and she went to a childminder. Yes, I missed her, but I also got some of my sanity back. I also personally think it does get easier. I found the baby stage hard but I loved the toddler stage and beyond.

I’m not sure what advice I can give, but I can say there are advantages to being a single mum. I co-slept with my DD from birth as it meant I slept better. First in a next-to-me crib, then a crib beside my bed, then I gave up with the crib altogether and she was in my bed until she was about 5. Something much easier to do as a single parent! I could set my own routine and parent how I wanted, without having to argue or compromise.

Me and my DD became our own little team, and that gave us a very close bond that we still have. Our home was peaceful, and because it was just us, I never felt guilty about housework or resentful that someone else wasn’t pulling their weight. We went away whenever I felt like it. In theory we could have moved to anywhere in the world. It was hard in some ways, but in many ways life was simpler, and we built a lovely little life together.

I hope that helps to hear, even if it's a little bit.

I'm in my 70's and I was ready to enjoy the rest of my life. I invested a huge amount of money in having a building built for all the things I wanted to do. I had big exciting plans.

My daughter-in-law went into a psychiatric hospital. The marriage ended. It turns out she never wanted a baby and wasn't taking care of him. As she was being sedated in the emergency department of a local hospital, I was handed a two month old baby to raise. At first I was mentally fighting this - tooth and nail. I was looking for anyway out of doing this all again. My oldest is in his 50's.

One night, while I was singing to him and about to lose my mind, I felt my heart breaking that his mother didn't want him and neither did I. (His dad wanted him, but couldn't do it alone). He needed a mother. He needed to be nurtured and loved. He needed to be adored. I said 'fuck it' to the rest of my life, and decided to dedicate my life to him because he needed a mum who loved him - really loved him and enjoyed him. So here I am.

He's 3.5 years old now and nonverbal. He's really hard work. But he's loved and cared for.

Forget about Paris for now. One day you and your little boy can go there together. Think of all the adventures lie in wait for you both. You'll have a lovely life together.

it gets easier. I promise. It’s still hard but when their personalities come through it changes things.

I agree @Curly12345, when a baby starts engaging with you, you truly appreciate that you've created a new human being with their own personality. I remember being terrified of my DD when she was a newborn, but a few months later, I knew her far better and felt more confident as a parent.

You're in the trenches right now @BrendaSouleyman but it will improve. I agree with others that perhaps returning to Paris in a few months would be a good idea.

Your new life is different to your old life, but it doesn't mean that it will never be fun again.

I totally get what you are going through.
i had a terrible time with my first, she cried a lot and struggle to feed, in fact she destroyed my nipples and then discovered she had tongue-tie - which ofc no one had noticed as apparently they said it’s not linked to not matching well.. as soon as they cut it she started feed well.. - but I was in pain for 3 months. I thought my life was ending, I missed my freedom and totally heated that life and breastfeeding. I was not single but seeing my husband going to work every day, going out for a drink while I was so tired I could barely shower, made me remind how much I missed it.
my Sister told me - resist 3 months it will get better. I had to repeat it to me several time a day.
it did get better. I I forced a routine she started sleeping better, I started going out and not getting stressed if she was crying… I ended up having another baby, who likely turned it up the calmest, quietest baby ever..
now they are teens and I can’t even think my life without them. We go to the cinema, theatre, shopping, travel, restaurants.
just take it one day at the time. It really does get way way better.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I had a baby with silent reflux/colic and things got easier crying wise once they started weaning and their tummy had grown. I stopped breastfeeding at about 5 months and I think they started sleeping a bit better. Endless crying is very hard as is sleep deprivation. I think things do get significantly easier in general after those first few months.

please look into your progesterone levels - apparently it can plummet after birth and during breastfeeding- this is now being linked to post natal depression. Take the medication your doc prescribed but look into this too - yju are prime age for peri menopause

My heart goes out to you, you're in the "what the hell have I done" phase of motherhood which is hard! And 14wo babies, gorgeous though they are, are more take than give in the pure sense that they need a great many things doing for them. And when you're feeling mentally depleted and sleep-deprived, the 'take' of doing another nappy change (only to find your dear child pees on the clean nappy or in your face or all over their clothes so they need changing when you'd hoped they'd be sleepy enough to nod off soon except no they're not because you've had to change all their clothes and their nappy again and what is this on your sleeve dear god how is he hungry again and why did he just do a big sick right down my back and now I need a shower and will I ever not smell faintly of yoghurt and despair?!).

Ahem.

I have three sons, I had one in my 20s, one in my 30s and one in my 40s. They are all very different, all slept differently, were all breastfed for years (the youngest was bottle fed expressed milk for 14 weeks because of undiagnosed tongue tie, then bf for the longest of any of them!) and what I will say to you very clearly now is that you have done the hard bit of breastfeeding at 14 weeks, you've got it established, you and he know what to expect, you're cosleeping so you're doing the right thing for maximising your sleep. And if he's constipated now, he will almost certainly be more uncomfortable on formula than breast milk and you will get less sleep, not more.

Breastfeeding past weaning onto food age is so much easier than the early wtf is happening to my chest days. Your body's milk production settles down so you don't get that if my baby doesn't feed now I will explode feeling. And there is little that calms a frustrated baby like being stuck up one's top, let me tell you! It's also a very handy way to get a toddler to nap (and you get a lie down at the same time!). But you don't have to think about that now, the only breastfeed you need to think about doing is the next one.

Re slings - only one of mine liked being in one. The others would bash their heads against me and sob like they were being tortured, but they were fine in a pushchair!

In your shoes, I would make a plan - as in think what your ideal life looks like. Living in Paris, baby in nursery for a day longer than you work each week, maybe? Gives you a day to yourself where you can go to the cinema, go for a walk, go back to bed, etc. You may not be able to get you "ideal life" for a bit and you might decide that "ideal" is a different thing after all. But having a plan will help you to feel more in control.

And it does change as they get older - they start being less 'take' and more hilarious. I would highly recommend baby signing - it helps to overcome the frustration and can provide some moments of levity. I once had an "argument" with my pre-verbal child about whether an animal was a sheep or a giraffe, purely in sign and giggles.

DM me if you'd like, I understand a lot of how you feel and I am living proof that you get through it almost unscathed...! Sending you much love x

I see you say your baby’s naps don’t have a pattern. I could not have survived had I not given my children the routine they (and me!) needed. The age he is now is just the right time to be thinking about what his sleep needs are and how they are best met. I follow some brilliant sleep teachers on Instagram or you can pay for some programmes online. Even a simple google will give you a sense of what naps to expect at this age and moving forwards. Once your son is napping in the cot, this will feel life changing. Suddenly you have physical and mental headspace for predictable times in the day, and night sleep usually improves once babies have the foundation of day sleep.
Please keep in close contact with your mental health teams. And don’t be fobbed off that ‘it’s normal to feel this way’. Yes it can be, but life shouldn’t feel this unbearable and looking to put your very loved boy into care is a sure sign that things are feeling too hard for you to cope with at the moment. I’m wishing you all the best and will be thinking of you xx

I haven't read all the replies, but I've read your posts. You poor thing, you've had so much change in so little time. Becoming a mum is an absolute shock to the system. Sorry for the very long post...

I have 2 kids, now aged 3.5 and about to turn 2. While I obviously don't have experience of the older ages, for me you're in the absolute hardest part!!! I'd take toddler tantrums anyday over the neverending early sleep-deprived months. What I love about toddlers is how much they love a routine - you mentioned lack of predictability earlier, and this is something I really struggled with as a first time mum.

With my first baby, I thought I'd be chasing sleep and naps forever. I thought I'd never leave the house without the kitchen sink. She ended up being quite a good night sleeper, but an awful napper. I struggled with the lack of predictability (will she sleep 10 minutes or 2 hours? - spoiler, it was generally the former, and I was disappointed every time..) etc. I felt I was a terrible mum and would tell myself this constantly (I definitely had some mild PND in the first few months with her). But all of those things gradually settled, and I gradually grew in confidence as a mum.

With my second baby I went in more confident, truly knowing that everything is a "phase" and the hard things eventually fade... But then, she had colic. From what you've said, your baby sounds similar, and I'm so so sorry if that's the case. Even as an "experienced" mum with a supportive partner, the colic nearly broke me. I had no idea what to do. I fully understand the dread you mention about them waking up...because the crying will start. And once it starts, it doesn't stop. I was scared to bring her out in public despite having brought my first baby out constantly! On a positive note though, if it is colic then it should hopefully start to settle soon and you're passed the hardest bit! My colic baby is now the sweetest, smiliest girl with the BEST laugh...I honestly thought she would be an absolute nightmare forever 🙈

For both my babies, things got gradually easier from 6 months as a routine developed. My second didn't sleep through the night for the first time until 10/11 months , but she was snuggled beside me usually just needing a little pat or song to drift off again, rather than pacing the floors rocking her. Tbh (and not to scare you, but it is my reality) she still rarely does sleep fully through, but it's honestly fine - she sleeps in her cot for the first chunk of the night so I get my free time, then she wakes and comes in beside me and we sleep together until morning (barring teething or illness of course) it's NOT the same sleep deprivation you're experiencing now.

The hardest part about all of this is that there's no crystal ball. And every baby is just different (I was waiting for my second baby to be 10 weeks old, because that's when my first baby slept through the night 🙃🫠). But the one thing I do know is that you will find your feet. You will find your way again and start to come back to yourself. And I know that because you're here asking questions, trying to work it all out. You've already taken all the right steps by being open with the professionals you've linked with. Day by day, step by step, you've got this ❤️

OP, it will become more enjoyable as you bond more with your baby, and you'll start to feel much more in tune with his needs.
Ignore those who said it gets harder - I truly think it gets easier and much more fun the older they get.
x

OP I’m so sorry that you are finding things so hard. Lots of brilliant advice has already been given.
I do honestly think that you are showing signs of PND, and so I hope you are able to access the help you need for that. Lean hard on all the resources available to you.
The crying I do remember so well, and with the benefit of hindsight I would probably just ignore it and get on with whatever it was I had set out to do. Baby is probably picking up on your tension when he cries and so it becomes a Catch 22 situation. So try to ride it out for increasing amounts each day, start low (2 mins) and just build up a little each day.
Also, drop the breastfeeding. You have given him the very best start. But now you need some freedom from bf and you may find the formula helps a little (or a lot) with the crying and the sleeping. Lots and lots of babies sleep though from 6 months, both mine were formula fed (my milk didn’t come in, the guilt over this was sometimes overwhelming) and slept through from 12 weeks, it does happen. So do not go down a rabbit hole thinking he never will, he could easily do so, it’s just as likely that he will than that he will take longer.
Babies are so influenced by their mothers’ moods, so it’s incredibly important that you prioritise your own mental health, as by doing so, he will feel more settled. Give yourself a huge break and don’t expect perfection.
One of my very good friends did exactly the same thing as you, at the same age, minus the relocating from Paris, but also minus the parental help. She too found it very hard, but now, 14 years later, her child is her pride and joy, and she wouldn’t have changed her decision for all the world.
This will get better, I absolutely promise. Hang in there you have got this. Sending love and strength x

Your baby is still SO young, my point being, you are in the trenches at this stage and it WILL get easier, I promise you. I really feel medication will help, it makes things a little easier as you will be calmer and feel more in control. Also, every new mum finds it hard, you are absolutely not alone. I remember thinking why does everyone seem to be so at ease when I was finding it SO hard. Looking back i needed medication as it would have helped and also looking back, every new mum found it hard, we just didn't always know how many of us were feeling that way! I think in time, mauve back in Paris with your baby could be helpful. No offence as my own parents are from Galway but I bet life in Paris is pretty cool! And even with a baby it can still be cool.

I haven't read all the replies but I wanted to say it does get easier. I had a colicky baby who had to be held a LOT and it started to feel a bit easier once we started weaning around 6 months.
Like some of the earlier replies I read i also wondered about Paris being better. I live in London and actually I loved London with a baby, once we got past the new born stage at least. I used a sling a lot and we just walked a lot, went into museums, parks, cafes. She mostly cried if we stopped for too long so I just walked a lot, but I felt like being in a bustling setting was more me, even with a baby. When she got a little older (like a year +) we carried on exploring- it was different from being on my own in a city, but I found it a lot of fun going to museums and just chatting away to her. She was into "go park ee cafe" at a young age and was more like a little companion to fit around some of the things i wanted to do. I get quite panicky and stuck in my own head when I'm at home, but urban life and being out and about energises me and helps my mental health.
It is really hard with a young baby but you mentioned your lovely life, and I do think you will have that again, and soon, with a few adjustments and tweaks (probably not evenings out but babies/toddlers/children can be quite portable really). I do get the worry about crying and as I said, I had a colicky baby who wanted to be held a lot. But slings/walking and being out in nature or seeing cool places with baby in tow saved me quite a lot.
It does sound like maybe Paris is more you and city life is definitely doable with a baby. I hope you start to feel better soon, it's miserable when you are sleep deprived and feeling stuck. But it isn't forever and you do have choices.

Anyone would be depressed in your situation - I’ve been there with two under two. Still a single parent 10 years on and have been awake since 3am because my eldest never sleeps. It has become easier in many ways and those baby toddler years go in a flash. I remember the despair and thinking about care for them - I even still feel like it now sometimes, but as they grow, yes, they can answer back but believe me, they become so much more interesting. Mine are good fun to hang out with - my brother a few years ahead of me says it gets even better.
Things will improve.

My son was about 8 months when something just clicked and i felt an overwhelming love that remains to this day. Up until then it was just very hard work.

Hi op your post resonates with me, I had my dd on my own with no partner and ended up back living with my mum. The shock of loosing my previous life and freedom was overwhelming.

Things that helped me are;
A routine, I know Gina Ford is berated on here but honestly that woman saved my sanity. I could cope much better in the day if I knew would go to bed at 7 and sleep. It made me feel much more in control.

Dummies.

Meeting up with friends and trying to do things I used to do, I took dd to Glastonbury festival when she was 14 months old 🙈😂

working, I went back to work when dd was 7 months old, I worked part time but the break helped both of us.

Moving out and getting my independence, I stayed at my mums for 2 years but should have moved out sooner.

Learned to enjoy my dd, enjoy our little club of 2. Enjoy when she smiled or did something new. It takes time for that love and bond to develop.

I had mine at 42 and also moved back to the UK after 12 years abroad, it was hard as it was culture shock at the same time as new baby shock and I did find it difficult not having close friends around. At around 6 months I found having my mum close by invaluable though as it was easier for her with him at that age and she would take him for hours at a time and now they have a really close relationship.
I cried every day for 3 months, I felt broken and alone even though I do have a partner. I couldn’t breast feed and was pumping and it all got too much and at three months I stopped and actually once my hormones went back to normal I felt so much better. I also did what a pp mentioned and just got him in the sling every day. They really do cry less like that. When he was two months old I booked a month in a cottage in the countryside and we just went on massive walks everyday it changed everything. We both came out of it calmer and also the colic stopped around that time. I found baby groups stressful because I was worried about him crying etc but I went back to them when he was a bit older and enjoyed them more. At six months I put him in nursery two afternoons a week which gave me chance to do something for myself. I followed wake windows for naps military style because he would sleep and I could have a break. He’s never been a good night sleeper but the sleeplessness changes and becomes more manageable over time. I think he was about four or five months before I felt that wave of pure love for him. It’s normal. As people have said try and outsource as much as possible, get someone to come and help out a bit a couple of hours a day if you can afford it to give yourself a break. If you can manage some time to yourself to relax and sleep the anxiety will lessen. And be kind to yourself as it’s hard for everyone at this stage.

Havent rttt. But I wanted to say

IT DOES GET EASIER

Dont listen to anyone who says otherwise

So hang in there.
So sorry you feel this way

Hi OP,
to me this All seems like post natal depression - I had this too, and I would say 99% of problems at this time are due to lack of sleep. Even the smallest thing will appear big with lack of sleep. I struggled with being woken multiple times - I couldn’t go back to sleep then would end up anxiet and panic attacks. I was prescribed mirtazpine and honestly it changed my life , and probably saved my life. I take at bedtime and even when I had multiple wakings it would literally help me knocnoff back to sleep and I would end up getting sufficient sleep. I did co sleep too- as safely as I could . Anything that helps u sleep is a good idea! Give it time, things do get easier they do sleep more and more and u find ways to make ur life easier whether its co sleeping or sleeping earlier in night you find ur way but it definitely gets better. My little one is 4 now and its literally like have another adult she can change her self feed herself . Going out is so easy we can holiday as normal restaurants social life as normal.

take the Mirtazpine - you got this and you will get better and happier 100%

Bear in mind that your baby sounds more difficult than average. Mine had so many problems in the first 3-6 months and we spent time back and forth to appointments andgetting various support and diagnoses, none of which resolved the fact that he screamed a lot, wasn't feeding well and didn't sleep unless he was held And upright (so cosleeping didn't work).

It was hell, and at 4 months we agreed not to have another baby. We then tried sleep training, like hardcore cry it out. It worked after an hour or so. We never kept it up reallt (as in, once he had a routine after a week or so if he cried we would go get him) but it was life changing. I remember coming in to change him after the first good night's sleep (just two brief feed/wakes) and feeling like the world was in colour, I was walking on clouds, and me and him were both so happy and giggly.

Regardless of whether you do that, it will get better. People who complain about older kids I think must have had easy (easier...) newborns.

I personally feel like getting food sleep solves a lot.

I didn't get on with BF but kept up til 8/9 months. Not long after that he was fine to just eat food/have water, but I did find it quite stressful for a bit having to sort bottles out. So do whatever works on the feeding front but I dont think formula is a magic bullet (unless it is for you - you can have a go and see, combi feeding is fine too!)

I meant to add, he's nearly 3 and I'm very happy. And he very rarely woke at night from about 10 months

My second baby (now 16 months) was like yours. Cried non-stop for 6 months and wouldn’t sleep at all in the day or night. I didn’t feel despair and loved her unconditionally from day 1 but it was so, so hard (especially managing the school run and activities with my eldest). She cried in the car, at the school gate, in restaurants - every where we went - and there was no way I could hide away as my son’s life had continue as normal. Fast forward to today - she’s 16 months and she’s the most beautiful, good natured child. I can take her everywhere and largely, she naps well and sleeps through the night. People told me to give up BF, to give her a dummy, gaviscon etc etc but utimately it was just the passage of time that helped and as soon as she was upright in the pram at about 6 months, she was a dream. Please don’t give up hope. Motherhood is hard but my kids are the best thing to ever happen in my life. The challenge changes, but it DOES get easier! Good luck. You will get through this xxxx

Op, I also wanted to say I felt just like you. I hated being near my baby. Felt no control, no order. Every minute felt like 2 hours. He too cried loads, and every crying spell made me feel so worried and useless.

He's 10 now, and we are so close.

I think some mums just arent cut out for babies. You can do this.

Try not to worry about the crying, it sounds so bloody awful but they wont remember one moment of it. IT GETS EASIER AND IS WORTH IT.

You are enough.