Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

You've already had so much wisdom and encouragement on this thread, and I wanted to add mine. It does sound like you might have PND and maybe anxiety as well, so it's great the local services are involved.
I had PND with my first who was a terrible sleeper and a very high needs baby. I was 35 but had lived abroad and the repetition of life with a small baby, coupled with no autonomy, was a shock.
It gets better. I drove myself crazy trying to get my first into a sleep routine. In the end, we co-slept and any chance I got, I took naps. Now, he sleeps all night.
The love grew and grew and grew but it took time. I didn't know this little person who needed me so much.
I was panicked about him crying in public, because I felt people would think I was a bad mother. I am a high-achiever, a perfectionist, the first born. I had to learn than not being able to stop a baby cry doesn't make me a bad mum as long as I remember the checklist and cuddle them while they let it all out.
This is a wild and beautiful journey, and it does get better I promise.

Lots of what you've said has resonated with me although our situations are very different.

I didn't love my daughter for a long time after she was born. I knew I was responsible for her but it wasn't love. I can't remember how old she was, but one day it was literally like a switch and I just woke up and loved her. She's 2.5 now and I can't begin to describe how much I love her.

I missed my old life so much. We travelled loads, had lots of money and spent hours and hours hiking which I love.

Personally I never liked the traditional baby groups but I did start volunteering for an organisation that trained parents to lead parent and baby walks. This got me a tiny bit of something back that I loved and gave me satisfaction and purpose.

I sleep trained my daughter at ten months old and that made a huge difference for me. I lost the 'fear' of her waking or being difficult to get to sleep. We of course have the odd regression or illness but it's always short lived and is the exception rather than the rule.

I don't so much miss my old life now as I look forward to a time when it will be easier to do things I want to with her if that makes sense.

I don't think it necessarily becomes easier but the reward grows massively. Toddler tantrums are a nightmare but they also chat, make you laugh and tell you that they love you. It is magical watching her grow and change.

I think it would be well worth you going back to Paris if you can get a nursery place. And the gaviscone probably is bunging him up so now you're having to give lactoluse to counter it which is complicating things. The inconsolable crying is hard but he will grow out of it at some point.

I felt similar in many ways to you and really struggled for the first year of my baby’s life. Felt awful reading cards telling me my dreams had come true when I felt the opposite and felt so guilty for feeling that. Had therapy. Didn’t help.

Things did get better. Sleep deprivation is enough to make you lose your mind. Everyone is different but things that helped me massively were going back to work, and sleep training when baby was old enough (I’d say after 6 months). I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this.

My little ones also refused the allergy formula at first, and I had to mix it with breast milk to get them used to it (I understand this would be hard for you not being able to pump). People also add vanilla extract (has to be alcohol free) to make it taste more appealing, and then stop the vanilla once they are drinking it better.

I feel bad giving you anymore bad news but if baby is cmpa and reacting through your breastmilk then they are unlikely to be able to tolerate nutrimigen. This formula still contains broken down milk proteins. Most babies who react through breast milk need a completely milk free formula like Neocate or alfamino. Unfortunately the doctors want you to try the options with broken down milk proteins first.

If you haven’t seen improvement since cutting out milk, then it really might be worth trying a normal formula just to give you answers. If baby does react then you are likely to have a week of baby being more unsettled, but at least you would know for sure. The doctors would also take you more seriously with the diagnosis. If it turned out that baby hasn’t got cmpa then you could try a formula that is designed to help with reflux.

The idea of your baby being upset for a week is probably very daunting, but in the long term I think it would help you to know whether baby has cmpa or not.

I found the first six months awful. It got better after that. I’d say from about two years onwards I loved it.

I think it's very likely that the inexplicable crying will ease up a lot over the next couple of months as your baby's digestion etc develops. It often makes a big difference when they start solids which you could potentially do a bit early.

I do miss my old life pre-kids but I know that if I actually had it, I would be so sad not to have kids so I wouldn't really be enjoying it anyway and I suspect you would feel the same. Grass is greener effect. I would like to be able to pause time to have more time to myself or to be able to go back to being old me for a few weeks but I would never give up what I have now to have more free time. Having children has fulfilled something that I really wanted for my life deep down so whether I am really enjoying the present moment feels almost irrelevant - though now that my youngest is 1.5 yrs I genuinely am enjoying it. It's the relentlessness of really small babies that I struggle with and that genuinely does ease up a lot.

I think bigger picture you sometimes have to go through hard times to achieve something worthwhile - in this case a little family of your own. In the same way that you can be glad you spent a hard few months revising for exams rather than going out all the time with friends. Short term pain for long term gain. I found that roughly every 3 months life with a baby got noticeably easier.

@BrendaSouleyman please consider this. A 4 month old baby is well able to sleep and have a lovely routine that is helpful for them as much as you. You can then hopefully begin to enjoy motherhood.

I had a baby who cried. A lot. It was so awful. Barely slept. Wanted to be upright all the time. I can’t describe how bad it was. So don’t think that this is anything you’re doing wrong or that it was a mistake. Having an unsettled baby is so hard. Your sister is wrong, it gets much much easier once they stop crying so much. The waking isn’t so bad either, as they don’t need so much. I might weaned when mine was a year old so even when he woke, I didn’t have to do anything. Just cuddled.

I also had a lot of anxiety about not being able to get him to stop crying. Cuz sometimes he wouldn’t! But that also got a lot easier.

Also, the instant joy and fulfilment we’re supposed to feel, doesn’t always happen. It didn’t for me. But it grew and grew and became wonderful.

I feel for you with how hard it is but I just completely disagree with what you’ve done.

I think don't think it's entirely fair that people are going on to the OP that at 44, she must have had some idea of what parenthood would be like, how little freedom she'd get and how all consuming it would be.

It's one thing to know objectively that your life will change and you won't have enough freedom when you become a new mum. It's another thing altogether when you're living through it. And when you really want a baby, these thoughts can cloud everything else.

I was desperate for a baby and had multiple miscarriages so when I did finally become pregnant with my eldest, I knew that my life would change, that I wouldn't have the same freedom as before. However when he was born, I really didn't appreciate how MUCH it would change. Nothing prepares for you the absolute relentless of early parenthood, the 24/7 nature of it, how your time and your space in your house isn't your own, how you have to keep going and keep giving even if you have nothing left in yourself. Absolutely nothing can prepare you for that.

Its one thing to know things will change but an entirely different experience all together once you're in the thick of it with no way back.

I’d get some omeprazole. What’s the harm in trying it at this point, this crying doesn’t sound normal and it’s affecting everything. Omeprazole has transformed my baby and my maternity leave has been a joy. Without it, he’s miserable.

In a few years you’ll be able to take your little guy on adventures just you and him - much easier than with 3 kids. He’ll be ready for kids’ theatre trips, cafes and museums etc before you know it. So maybe you won’t have that alone time but can still enjoy loads of culture with your little one.

Did you think that would be a helpful post?

I just remembered that in addition to a fairly firm routine for my fussy baby - which is helpful because then you know the child is NOT hungry or tired etc if you know he has had a feed, a nap, etc in his schedule - I used the Dr Harvey Karp 5 S method.
https://www.babycenter.com/baby/sleep/harvey-karps-happiest-baby-method-for-baby-sleep-and-soothin_10373838

Swaddling was especially comforting to her, and I bought fleece-Velcro swaddles that were really easy to use once the baby got older. Things do get easier, and it is good to keep trying techniques until you find the ones that work best for you.

She didn't ask whether you agreed. Have some compassion and keep your judgement to yourself. You don't need to post, just scroll on by if you can't offer helpful words.

I think so many mums feel exactly as you do but rarely talk about it. The adjustment is huge and since your baby is still little you need to remind yourself that it takes at least a year maybe 2 for your hormones and body to really adjust. Then you have the mental adjustment of losing your freedom as you have. I had a very good intense job and a lot of independence before I had my first and losing that independence was so much harder than I realised. But when mine hit around 9 months and started to show me love and have a real personality, nothing at all made me happier.

Despite what people say, the newborn days are hell for a lot of people. It’s thankless, exhausting, tedious, and so stressful. Many women who are very organised and type A find the unpredictability extremely stressful and the loss of control is unbearable. But I have 2 DDs (my second was an extremely tough baby) and the happiness I feel now is so difficult to put into words but having them was easily the best decision I ever made. They are still very young (4 and 18m) and of course it’s hard. Just remember that you cannot expect life to be the same as before. If I could have my way I’d have loads of kids

Take all the help and shortcuts you can get. Don’t expect things to be perfect because they won’t be.

also, your sister was probably just having a bad day. If it was that bad she wouldn’t have had 3!

What is it you disagree with?

Someone once said to be ‘it doesn’t get easier, it just gets more fun’ and I would say that’s so true. The challenges change, but it gets less boring and mutinous for sure and you can start to live you own life again quicker than you think. I’ve not RTFT but I’d honestly consider moving back to where you were before and paying for childcare in a few months if you can. I think where you live is playing as much a part in this as the baby, Also I do think you get more used to the tiredness (three year old doesn’t sleep through her…)

I would suggest trying cranial osteopathy - it worked wonders for my second son, when I was really despairing.

Some more enlightened countries offer free sessions to every baby, but in the UK you'll have to pay. And it's still not as widely known as it should be.

Honestly, it could be life changing, for both of you.

Good luck OP.

💐

HI OP.

You're probably overwhelmed with reading and responding to messages but I just wanted to put it out there that if you ever want to chat I would be very happy to. My journey is a little bit different in that I am from Ireland and moved to Paris when my son was 1 year old (having lived in London for my twenties and early thirties), but i am here now in France and related so much to everything you're saying. We are all in this together ❤️

I think you've had some very good practical advice already but one thing I've noticed in the replies is you seem to be confidently believing quite unhelpful thoughts about your ability to cope, thoughts that appear to predict the future, or seem to be based on opinions rather than fact. Some of your posts strike me as very self-critical and it may contribute to your stress, on top of everything else going on.

Your therapist may have mentioned looking at 'unhelpful thinking styles' and using CBT techniques before, but I just thought I would share as sometimes we're so in the middle it's hard to see the pattern ourselves. Tackling unhelpful thinking styles is something you can do without anti-depressants.

You could be suffering from post natal depression, I had this and meds really helped. I didnt have thr same thought processes as you, mine came out diffetently, but I knew I wasnt right and got help.
You should not also box yourself in with what you think you should do as a new mum. You don't have to be baby groups and playdates if you don't want to.
Peoplr take their babies on holidays, travelling, etc, if where you are and ehat youbare doing isnt you, then do what is. Is Paris an option? Or somewhere sunny, Thailand, Bali, where home help is cheaper and the weather is better? We moved to thailand with our small kids in tow for a year, there are a surprising amount of people with kids doing this. We met so many, there are baby groups and nurseries all over the world.
If you can get back on track with meds and yherapy and start planning what you want to do,

Get back on the pre natal vitamins. I had PND with my second son and this helped. Unfortunately so did stopping breastfeeding all day as I found that was buggering around with my hormones. The early months are hard with hormones without sleep deprivation.

It does get easier.

Unbelievably one day you will look at this time fondly and miss it. They start chatting and turn into a little mate. They They turn into teens and you have some lovely deep conversations.

My PND boy is 18 now. We go on holidays just us too. He drove me batty on holiday and I love him to absolute bits.

As an IVF mum and a mum to a baby who had silent reflux and CMPA you really do have my sympathy. I've read all your replies and I do honestly think the way you describe the crying, legs and back arches along with the throat catching does sound like silent reflux. My second child had silent reflux and it near on destroyed me mentally. The crying was constant, the only thing we found helped sleep was a Baba cush, strapped to a baby bouncer for daytime naps with someone watching whilst I slept (possibly your mum could watch baby whilst in there/in same room) I honestly can't describe it to someone who hasn't been through it but fuck me it's really really hard going, the guilt you feel for feeling this way after being so desperate to be a mum and then absolutely loathing every single second. I remember once I was on my own in a taxi when baby was around 4 months at home with dad and I was on the way to a hospital appointment and I was wishing the taxi driver would crash the car so I could have a break from the baby. Even now at almost 4 when she cries over something it triggers my overwhelm but it's few and far between now. CMPA has a different set of symptoms so possibly skin rashes, blood in nappies, there's a few support groups on Facebook which might be worth joining to rule it out. Also don't let GP and health visitors gaslight you, you know your child better than anyone else and you know something is wrong, even feeling as low as you do you are seeking answers for your baby which tells me you are a bloody fantastic mum and this will pass I promise you. Be kind to yourself, you've gone through massive emotional trauma going through the IVF process and then having a baby who you feel a massive emotional barrier to due to the constant crying/screaming and don't discount the sleep deprivation in all this. I breastfed too but both mine had CMPA and it was exactly the same in both of them but easy to spot. Gaviscon does cause constipation, also if using anything like infacol the orange flavour makes reflux worse. We used dentinox, Colic calm and saw a baby osteopath. Honestly I don't know how I got through it but I did and you will too but right now I know it all feels impossible. You have all my love you really do xx

I would definitely try antidepressants before I would even think about giving the child into care.

I think you are very unwell and you need to speak to mental health professionals about more and better help than you are currently receiving

I would not move back to Paris in such a vulnerable state. Try and go back for a visit and see how you feel. Only move back when you are better.

For someone who tried so hard to have a child I am surprised how much the experience has floored you - as what you describe is a really common experience (hard as it may be) so something you should have been well prepared for. Something has gone really wrong if you feel you can't soldier on for the sake of your child. I suspect a serious mental health issue. If not have you always been a 'the grass is always greener' type? Wanting a child when you had all the freedom and wanting all the freedom when you have a child? If that's the case time to put your big girl pants on, accept you completely misjudged the situation and have now made an irreversible and profound choice and that you simply have to do your very best for your child at the expense of freedom and other things you crave in the short term. Accepting that the next 4 years will be shit might be somewhat liberating. You had a couple of decades of fun and now it's stopped and you focus on raising your child until things improve - and they will improve once in school.